What Do You Believe In?
by MegamiTenchi
Summary: AU, Chuck and Blair. I was just like you once. We all begin in the same places, more or less, don't we? We face conflict— teasing, name-calling, pranks, persecution. And how you respond to that, is what makes you and me different. That's why I am Queen and you… are you. Yet we still have the same fatal flaw, don't we? Tell me, what do you believe in?
1. La Princesa

_I was just like you once. We all begin in the same places, more or less, don't we? We face conflict— teasing, name-calling, pranks, persecution. And how you respond to that, is what makes you and me different. That's why I am Queen and you… are you. Yet we still have the same fatal flaw. No matter how many times you tell yourself you don't have one, or you sacrifice it, or try to bury it away, we cannot escape… our hearts. _

**La Princesa**

_Do you remember it? Being a child… being 'socialized'? At first, it was with one or two other children, your parents' best friend's offspring; or I suppose for normal people, it would be the children next door. Ew, the suburbs. But then you became a few years older, and it was daycare if you were unfortunate, or in my case, trips to the park for play dates, ah… the playground, and then finally- preschool. While I was determined to be the best student, I had not gone to school that first day already at war. But fate had planned otherwise…_

Curls? Perfect. Skirt? Just right. Shirt? Pristine. She was confident when she let go of Dorota's hand in the classroom's doorway, marching right up to her desk and sitting down. Blair was eager to be an ideal student, best in her class, teacher's favorite- though Dorota had warned her about being a tattletale and a total teacher's pet. After all, she did not want to be off-putting. It was all going quite well just before lunch, when the front-runner for the popular pretty girl, Penelope, covertly pulled on Blair's curls. Blair yelped, and the teacher berated her outburst, not for one second imaging that sweet Penelope _actually_ would pull on Blair's hair. This was a shocking lesson for Blair. Her first day 'in the world' and the truth had already failed her. And Penelope… something would have to be done about that.

At lunch, Blair sat alone, watching Penelope flip her long black hair. As she slowly ate her crustless peanut butter and jelly, the darkness in her stirred and something new inside her began to take life. Revenge. She would take revenge. On the playground, the heavens opened, and showed Blair how the universe can work… if you have the courage.

It was perfect. Penelope was giggling with her friends, all were fixated on a pretty blond boy across the way. Behind them, a group of dark haired boys were tossing a ball. Just as Penelope detached from her friends in pursuit of the blond, the boys lost their ball. One bounce… two bounces, it passed Penelope, and Blair made a dash for the ball. She flew headlong into Penelope, toppling her completely, and pushing her into a dirty puddle of rainwaterwhile Blair only very nearly fell to the ground. Before anyone could react, Blair and Penelope locked eyes, an unspoken power struggle. It was Penelope who looked away. She heard the sounds of her peers laughing, and her wounded gaze found the boy she had been about to talk to. He frowned at her with pity as his friends joined the others in laughing. She then turned her head, her eyes falling to her headband that had been knocked off, now lying a few feet away. The little band of Swarovski crystals gleaming in the sun, but her hopes and feelings were as ruined her uniform. Blair turned to look at the bejeweled headband too, kneeling down to pick it up. Sopping wet, Penelope stood and Blair offered the girl her headband. But Penelope made no move to take it.

"No," she shook her head, "it's yours now."

Blair stared down at her hands, the crystals twinkling in the sunlight. She paused a moment, looking back up at Penelope, "Do you have a maid?"

The filthy water was still dripping from Penelope's clothes. "She's off sick today…" Her face became distressed from wondering who would bring her clean clothes. If it were her parents, it would not be good. This was the Upper East Side. Parents being called to school for _any_ reason always became a _bad _reason, for these parents were world leaders and business moguls, models, and socialites, before they were _parents_.

"My maid, Dorota, could get them for you? Let's go tell the teacher," Blair took Penelope's hand and pulled her to the teacher on recess duty. The teacher hurried the girl to the nurse's office for a towel. Suddenly, Penelope's little group of friends were standing around Blair, asking her questions, asking her opinion. With a smile, Blair finally slid the headband into place.

_I learned two life lessons that day. The limits of authority figures— honestly, the teachers had no _real_ control over the students, and that on the whole, girls don't want to lead. They want to follow. That, or they want to be nothing. Through primary school, there were plenty of girls who wanted to exist outside my circle, there were those who longed to be included, happy for a moment of our attention. And then there was me, and my circle. Since primary school didn't have actual Queens, I would have never called them minions at that age, but they were my followers. Not… friends, but followers, who looked up to me for advice and guidance. _

* * *

By second grade, boys had become a problem. Before, they had been happy to stick to their side of the school, but by second grade, they began to desire having dominance over the girls. Teasing, pranks, displays of 'power'. It was lame, and on the whole, rather disgusting at times. But as I witnessed this rise, and these skirmishes, I found my ally. His name was Chuck Bass, and though hedonism doesn't exist for children, greed does. He had it all and could get anyone anything they wanted. So he collected favors and secrets in return for this game or that treat. We acknowledged each other, but it would take one stupid boy to bring us together.

Henri Cooper was always up for a dare. He could never say no. He would learn to later, but… not today. Not when Will Miller dared him to drop gum in Blair's hair. It was done stealthily at lunch. A bump, a jostle, then casually walking away. It was Penelope who noticed the wad of bright pink in Blair's satin brown curls. It was handled quietly, no squealing, no scene, and an emergency call to the Fekkai salon at Bendel's. Multiplication tables could wait. But the little group of boys high-fiving in one corner did not escape Blair's gaze.

The next morning before classes, Blair went to Chuck's dark little corner of the courtyard, her precious curls nearly two inches shorter.

"I liked it longer," he said, speaking first.

She twisted a curl around her finger, mourning her loss a moment, "I know, they're my trademark," she released the curl, Chuck's eyes watching it spring back into place.

"And your headbands," he reached up and touched the red patent leather headband, his fingers sliding down to touch the soft glossy curls for a moment. A rueful little smile crossed his face, as though he knew how uncomfortable he was making her, "You are Blair Waldorf."

"And you… are Chuck Bass."

"So then, what are _you_ doing here?"

"I can do little about the boys in this school, but I think you can." She flashed Chuck a pretty little smile.

"You know how this works. Secrets and favors, Waldorf." He feigned a look of boredom, "What do you have?"

"I have every girl in this school." Blair stared at him, long and hard.

Moments passed, cool steady heartbeats, as Chuck thought. "Are you proposing we work together, a…," he paused to find the word, "an alliance?"

"I want revenge, but if I do something, they will just do something even worse," she titled her head as she considered the idea, "But us on the same side? That could be useful. You know all about the boys, and I know more about the girls that you possibly could. It could be useful, don't you think?"

"Fine." Chuck conceded, "But you have to give me your ribbon."

"What?" Blair glanced down at her bag. The pretty blue ribbon, tied in a sweet little bow, had been affixed to her bag on her first day of school by Dorota. She looked back up at Chuck, her eyes narrowed, appraising him, "Then I want your scarf."

Spring was slow to arrive in New York this year, and Chuck still had a deep red cashmere scarf draped over his shoulders. Pulling it off, he said, "Here."

He put it over her shoulders before moving to tug the little blue ribbon loose from her bag.

"No," she swatted his hand away, and loosened it herself. Neatly folding it, she relinquished it to him.

Tucking the item in his inside blazer pocket, he replied, "I'll take care of Henri. Only you and I know this."

With that, Chuck turned and went inside.

* * *

The next afternoon, Henri had 'an accident' in gym class. A bloody nose, and a front tooth was knocked out. Henri Cooper learned to consider when to say no to a dare after that.

_That is how things were in primary school. Simple, much more straightforward. Chuck and I scheming when necessary— like it would be all the way through high school, really. There was one significant change, however. I made a friend… a real friend. It was just after second grade ended, Mom still had not decided what to do with me. Summer camp? Ew. Or… what? Lucky for me, Lily van der Woodsen moved from California to New York City, with her little blonde daughter in tow. Lily loved to put her daughter Serena in my mother's dresses for big social events, and had made Waldorf Designs popular on the West Coast— well, as popular as they could be in a place like _California_. Like those people know what class is. _

_But I digress. Serena van der Woodsen. She had that quality, the 'it girl' quality. Walking down the street with her as children, parents fawned over her, and when we got older, men drooled, and fell all over her. I wasn't keen on her to start; polite, but disinterested. Then, I saw how our peers looked at her… they say keep your friends close, and your enemies… so Serena became my 'best friend'. Only… the quotations fell away after a few months. Mom packed me off to the van der Woodsen's house in the Hamptons for the summer while she ran away to Paris, and Serena? She was _nice_ to me. Just… nice. She never tried to make me wear her clothes, adopt her style or way of doing things. She saw who I was, acknowledged it, and… accepted it. Because of that acceptance, and because Serena was so much more relax and carefree, I learned to unwind a little. Shopping and watching movies, swimming and walking through town, we really became friends. By the start of third grade, we were_ best _friends— I could genuinely laugh with her, and Serena, thanks to my help, was already a tried and true New Yorker. _

_The next few years were the calm ones, nothing else really changing. About halfway through fifth grade was when the excitement began. Next year was middle school. We'd be in a different building, classes would be different, and some of us had already started to change a bit— physically, and emotionally. We started thinking about boys, and kissing. Like a true Queen, I let my subjects talk, but kept them in order. Hierarchy and protocol, and fashion of course, always came first. But there was still plenty of talking._

* * *

Sitting in her spot, above her followers, Blair listened to them gush about boys. Cutest pop star, cutest movie star, and oh, Charlie Roberts got a haircut. Then more of the usual rundown, who does Penelope think is cute? What about Serena? Generally, no one dared ask if Blair fancied anyone, but today… today they were feeling a bit bold.

"Oooh, what about _Blair_?" Hazel whined. All eyes turned to stare at Blair.

"Yeah, Blair, who do you dream about?" Penelope chimed in.

"Me?" Blair replied, indignant. She paused, turning her face away from the crowd, her eyes hovering a moment on Chuck Bass, off in the distance with some of his classmates.

That winter, he had passed her in the courtyard, hesitating as he tugged on his scarf around her shoulders, keeping her warm. He whispered in her ear for that brief moment, "Red looks good on you, Waldorf."

It was the first time she ever recalled her heart beating so fast. Not that she was about to let _him_ know that. She slapped his hand away, "Ugh, like I'd take fashion advice from you. Guess I need a new scarf!"

Chuck just smirked and continued on his way. It was like he knew she would never actually get rid of his scarf, which irked her even more. So she decided to only wear it on special occasions, and never to school.

Snapping back from her few moments of contemplation, Blair had her reply, "Who do I dream of at night?"

The girls all waited with baited breath.

"Marchesa, Jimmy Choo, Dior. I can't wait to wear my first Marchesa gown, or begin wearing _real_ heels, and carry Dior and Louis and Hermes on my arm. I know my priorities right now, and Charlie Roberts getting a haircut is _not_ one of them."

A few moments of silence ensued as the girls sat, disappointed to not learn who Blair dreamed of kissing and going on dates with, while being chastised in the same breath. Quietly, they began to talk about school instead.

* * *

There were a few Chuck and Blair schemes that spring, before summer break. Power positions had to be clearly established before the shift to sixth grade in the fall. What was more important than the schemes this time, was Blair. Though their banter was always the same, Chuck noticed she had changed towards him. Her chair was closer to his when they sat together scheming. She would straighten his blazer, and once, she fixed his tie. Her little fingers tugging at his knot, he stared down at her, thoroughly intrigued. Reaching up, he wrapped his fingers around her hands, causing her to look up at him. Their eyes locked and he watched the slightest tinge of pink creep into her cheeks. Nothing happened, no words were said. But he felt her warm little hands in his and the hammering of his heart beating in his chest. After a few long moments, she pulled her hands away, grabbing her bag and rushing from the room, saying she had to be somewhere.

Just before 'graduation', Chuck's father, the illustrious Bart Bass, re-opened a newly renovated hotel. Nothing so terribly important, but there was a photo in _The Times_, with Chuck at his side. Blair was so happy when she came across it, proud of him in his little bow tie, and a photo in _The Times_ with his father, at just eleven years old. She cut it out, and tucked it in her desk drawer, deciding she quite liked him in bow ties. So much so in fact…

Dorota just smiled at Blair as the little girl sheepishly dragged her into the men's store at Bergdorf's. Blair spent a good half an hour looking through all the bow ties, after she made the sales assistant teach her everything one could ever want to know about bow ties. She had honestly found the perfect one a good ten minutes in, but she had to be certain. Dark red, with blue dots.

On graduation day there were no uniforms. The courtyard was full of dresses and great little suites. Blair quickly combed through the space and found Chuck. He was on the outskirts of the crowd, watching everyone. His face softened when he saw Blair walking towards him and she gave him a little smile.

"Inside?" She asked, not wanting anyone to see them. They slipped into an abandoned classroom.

"Congratulations," she held up the long box from Bergdorf's.

"Was I supposed to get you something?" Chuck was confused, caught off guard by her gesture.

"No, not at all. Just, with graduation and your first photo in _The Times_, I thought you had earned it."

He stared at her smiling face for a few beats, completely at a loss for a response.

She nudged him. "Open it. It's for today."

Pulling the ribbon free, Chuck opened the box. His chest felt tight as he looked at the beautiful bow tie, dark red, with its blue dots. It was he and she and no one had ever done such a thing for him before. His mouth had unknowingly gone dry, and somehow he managed to choke out, "I'm not… I'm not sure I can tie it on my own. Bart helped me last week."

"That's okay! Here," her little fingers on his neck tie again, pulling it free. The room was cold, but Chuck felt hot, having Blair so close to him. As she removed his tie, he pulled the bow tie from the box and put it around his neck. He watched as Blair carefully placed his necktie in the box, and turned to tie his new bow tie. He was careful to keep a straight face as she worked, but inside he was smiling, and laughing a little at her. Her intense level of concentration was adorable, and she worried her lower lip between her teeth as she folded and pulled and folded and… there. She stepped back, smiling, happy with her work, "Perfect!"

"I would expect no less of you, Waldorf." He gave her a little smile back.

She ignored his compliment, and reached up to fold his shirt collar back down. Her face was inches from his and this time Chuck _knew_ this heat was from being near her. She smelled like lilacs and peonies and it went straight to his head. Her arms were practically around his neck as she reached to fix the back of his collar and it was too late when she realized his head was tilting down towards hers.

"Students!" The loud boom of Mistress Queller's voice caused them to jump apart in surprise.

"Please line up like we practiced now!"

Hot with shame and panicked to get to their lines, they rushed from the classroom, pushing from their minds what had nearly happened. Graduation was full of smiles and speeches, and for Chuck and Blair, many furtive glances.

_I smile thinking of it now. But it hurts knowing that would be the last time Chuck Bass would ever see _that_ Blair Waldorf ever again. _

* * *

Title: Spanish for 'The Princess'

This is a big story for me, in a lot of ways! I hope you enjoy the journey, try to stop along the way and review if you can ^_^


	2. Dunkelste Nacht

Dunkelste Nacht

_Anyone who lives through being a teenager doesn't need to be reminded how miserable it is, and how it really is some of the most formative years of your life. It somehow manages to be your own personal hell, with only the occasional bright spot. Everything is unstable, constantly changing, everyone grasping to know something. On the Upper East Side, sure, we look like we have it together much better than the rest, but inside, it's just as bad. _

_In those years, my rank in the hierarchy never wavered, but the rest of my life was in shambles. And it started with that summer. Eleanor hauled me off to Paris rather than letting me go to the Hamptons with Serena. I missed my friends terribly, no matter how much I loved Paris. It was even worse when Eleanor explained that she and father were divorcing. Alone, in a foreign country, with my overbearing mother, telling me I was to become another statistic; another child from a broken home. I sat in my room in shock most of the day. I was only able to cry when Dorota came to check on me. She hugged me and I broke into tears. _

_I became cold after that; I saw my mother refuse to have a man affect her pride and success. That attachment, that desire to share yourself with another, I wrote it off as a liability not worth pursuing. Those feelings I had begun to feel around Chuck fell away; school, fashion, and society dominated my thoughts. That single mindedness is how I lived through the year long divorce proceedings, how I lived through the school year. _

_We were all going through changes, and we all dealt with it in our own ways. Chuck grew from being the boy with all the toys, able to get any treat or toy his greedy peers desired, to expanding into other sins as well. His general cockiness and air of superiority grew at the same exponential rate as his hormones. _

_We still schemed together, but there was a distance and coldness between us, as I was lost in my own body and my parental issues. He would make sleazy comments though he knew I was above it all, but he liked to try and get a reaction from me- it was very good practice for perfecting my bitch face. But as the boys became sexual, and began dipping into drugs and alcohol, Chuck was their guide and mentor, and our alliance was still key to maintaining order- maintaining the world as we liked it. I would have denied it then, but now… I know he was always watching me, as I watched him, always from a distance._

* * *

After the beginning of sixth grade, Blair lived through the humiliation of being fitted for her first bra. Dorota dragged her to Bergdorf's, using Serena as a buffer, as it was time for her, too. Serena tried to make it fun- but she had already… progressed more than Blair. Every morning when she dutifully put on her tiny new bra, she stared at her oddly shaped body and wondered _why_. For Blair, it was one more thing flying out of control. Her breasts were honestly a joke, her arms and legs felt too long, all of her body full of sharp angles, and… the hair. The whole thing was awkward, frustrating- especially when some of her favorite pieces in her wardrobe refused to hang right anymore, or were too short, or too tight.

And there was the stress of waiting. Waiting for… the change.

Oh, she had been hearing about it for awhile now. Her birthday came and went, then Christmas… Serena got hers in February. Blair wasn't envious, just terrified. She feared that there might be something wrong with her, as more and more girls became 'women'.

But there wasn't.

It was a pretty morning in March when Blair woke up. Her lower back felt tight and when she went to shower, she was horrified to find her favorite pajamas ruined. She laid them to rest, burying them in her waste bin, hoping Dorota wouldn't find them. Hot water blasted her skin and she relished the feel of it as she showered, washing the blood away.

As she dressed, her body continued to rebel. She felt heavy, and certain parts of her felt sore. But she was Blair Waldorf, and she was not going to let nature stop her, or slow her down. She swallowed her breakfast even though she was not hungry and stomped off to school, determined.

She made it through the morning somehow, a smile plastered on her face though she was in pain. She leaned a little against her locker before lunch, as a wave of discomfort rolled over her, blood rushing from her body, and the beginning of a cramp. She slammed her locker shut and rushed- as much as Blair Waldorf ever would, to the girls room.

Five minutes later, Chuck walked up to Serena at lunch. "Aren't you missing someone?"

"Ah, Blair's probably just reprimanding someone for a fashion faux pas." Serena flashed him a little 'that's our girl' smile.

Chuck took Serena's arm and pulled her from the table, giving the other girls a suave smile to buy their forgiveness. Turning away from them, he said, "That's not the case, and I'm afraid this one is all on you."

Serena looked at him, completely lost. Chuck said nothing more and pushed her into the girls bathroom.

"Blair?"

There was a small sniffle. Serena bent down to see if there was anyone in the stalls. She could see half of Blair, sitting, curled up on the floor of the largest one.

"Blair, it's me, let me in."

Blair managed to scoot to the door and unbolt it.

She was instantly wrapped in Serena's arms. "What's going on?"

"It… happened."

"It?" Serena didn't follow.

"_It. _And it hurts so much!" Blair felt another cramp tighten.

"Oh!" Serena finally caught on, "What hurts?"

"Everything." Blair grumbled.

"Here, turn around." Serena nudged Blair to turn, and pressed her fingers into Blair's lower back. Blair cried a little at first, but in a few minutes, Serena had loosened the knots that were wound tight around Blair's hips.

Stopping, Serena asked, "Good enough to stand?"

"I think so… I still feel miserable."

"We'll go to the nurse, she'll at least give you some painkillers to get you through the rest of class. Then we can go home and get you a heating pad, comfy pajamas, and watch any movie you like?"

"And send Dorota to Serendipity… we're going to need sweets."

"That sounds like a plan!" Serena stood and helped Blair up. They walked to the nurse together, Serena pushing Blair through the door. When she turned around, Chuck had come, seemingly from the shadows, to stand next to her.

"Well?"

"Our little girl is growing up!" Serena played, gushing as though she were overwrought with emotion.

"So she's okay?"

Serena watched his demeanor change, a tension she had not noticed earlier, easing away.

"She will be fine. As for the rest of us… I'm not sure how this island will survive a hormonal Blair Waldorf." Serena chuckled.

She saw the briefest flash of a smile on Chuck's face just before he turned away from her and walked back down the hall.

_The pain and the trauma of my first period passed under Serena's care with giggles and chocolate. _

_Within a few months it was the end of the end of the year. By the summer solstice, the divorce was over, too. Daddy had settled in the South of France with a home in Paris, while Eleanor had homes in Paris and New York, and custody of me. I didn't think about how basically, both my parents lived in France, leaving me with Dorota in New York. Eleanor would fly in and out all year long, throwing the odd party and stuffing me into her newest creation. Eventually, it was okay because I came to recognize I had my own life to live. But before that, the whole thing made me sick. _

_And he knew… somehow, he knew. _

_Perhaps not 'somehow'. We always sensed one another and there was a joy I felt whenever a scheme allowed me to slip into the shadows for a time with him. _

_But there was one night… one night he found me in the shadows, in my darkest moment._

Serena was having a pool party and Blair was happy to be back in the Hamptons. The divorce finally over, there was sun and friends and fun to be had! Blair looked sweet in her little one-piece, playing in the pool and talking with her classmates. There was a relief, Blair was where she belonged this summer, and with the divorce over, she seemed lighter. Chuck could never keep his eyes off of her for long, her apparent happiness keeping him warm as the sun sank in the sky. The past year had been hard not just on Blair- he had to watch, and sometimes, it was not his own pain that ran him to distraction. He mourned the loss of the Blair who tied that bow tie around his neck, and the Chuck Bass who had nearly kissed her.

So when she seemingly disappeared from the party, it did not take long for him to discover her absence. He searched the house for her… someone saw her go upstairs. Maybe she was not feeling well? Oh… if only that was all.

He found her.

In her bathroom.

Pale, thin body knelt on the floor.

With her fingers down her throat.

The sound was awful, gut-wrenching, his reaction instant as he grabbed her. She screamed at him in horror and shame when he pulled her away. Chuck forced her to wash her mouth out and splash the heat and tears from her face before he dragged her to her bed.

He towered over her, grasping her arms, his voice pleading as she sat before him, "How long?"

Nothing. His blood began to boil, rage rising him. Not her. Not Blair. Anyone but Blair. Her actions, her silence, all pressed down on him.

He shouted, "How long, Blair!"

"Almost a month." Her voice was small, frail, and it sounded so wrong in his ears.

His hands tightened on her arms a little, "My God Blair, how could you?" He gritted his teeth, trying to control himself, "I could just…"

He wanted to shake her, scream at her for being so stupid.

And she knew it, he saw it from the look on her face.

"Do it." Her gaze was resolute, she dared him to. She wanted him to hurt her.

The way she was hurting herself.

"No."

Chuck let go of her and her face fell. He paced the room, letting his fury work itself out for a few minutes. His mind spun, trying to grasp how, _why_, she would do such a thing? He couldn't have cared less when it was a supermodel expelling her dinner, but Blair? His eyes were hot with outrage and he rubbed them with his hands, trying to release the pent up energy.

Blair hugged herself tight, wishing she could squeeze her eyes tight enough that she would disappear. Why did it have to be Chuck who found her? Her body trembled with cold, but her blood was hot with shame. Out of everyone she looked down upon, it had to be one of the only people she felt respect for that found her like that, trying to purge her life away.

The silence became oppressive and she was much too quiet for Chuck's liking. He walked back to her and wrapped his hands around her arms again, lightly this time, "Look at me."

Her eyes were wide, and tired, when she gazed up at him. That relief he had seen earlier-that lightness in her, a facade; the worn reality of her tattered self now exposed. It wasn't right, none of this was right. "You can't keep doing this, Blair."

"Why no-"

His eyes were dark and bright and his voice solid, as unyielding as his words, "You really want to go against me? You would risk that, after all these years? Just to hurt yourself?"

Years. They had really known each other for years. Her respect for him pinned her in place. She gazed into his eyes and saw his pain and concern. Chuck was one of the last people she wanted to fight, especially about this.

He watched as her mind changed and her demeanor shifted, her shoulders dropping in surrender, her head coming forward to rest against his bare chest.

Happy with this small bit of progress, he slipped into her bed and pulled her into a hug. Chuck held her tight and she relaxed in his arms. "Don't you dare try to outsmart me on this one, Waldorf. Don't you dare."

He held her until she was asleep, a little reluctant to leave. He was not about to provoke her rage if he stayed and let everyone incorrectly fill in the blanks of Blair and Chuck in her bed together, all night. He was not about to let her hurt herself, and he would never hurt her either.

_Basstard. I would forever owe him after that. And he was right; he was not about to let me try and outsmart him on this one. He went over my head. No. Not Eleanor, thank God. But, Dorota. He tipped her off and they became allies. Dorota made me go to therapy, threatening to tell Eleanor all if I did not consent. So it stopped, and while no Upper East Sider is ever free of their issues and problems, I focused all that energy into my development, rather than my destruction. School, clubs, fashion, and music. _

_I had been playing the cello for some years, but only when it became an outlet for my mess of adolescent feelings did I really begin to play. I could hide in the music, or express my feelings- frustration, loneliness, anger. And like my school work, it had the direct relationship that the amount of time and effort put into it, is what you got out of it. The only variable was my commitment to it. It was something no one else could touch; my mother could not ruin my playing, or Serena, or my peers, it was just me and my cello. _

_And there was still scheming. Always scheming. _

_It eventually inspired a standing meeting with Chuck to keep tabs on everything. A neutral place, where we would not be seen by our peers. The Plaza was halfway between our respective homes, and The Rose Club inside was tucked away from everything. Plush velvet seats, dark corners, and like every bartender in town, they all knew Chuck Bass. He was polite enough to at least drink rum and Coke at these meetings, just in case. He really was something else! I would order Shirley Temple's, just to mock his insane drinking habit. _

_But we'd sit and talk about what everyone was up to. Who was causing problems, and how to keep them in check. It was a beautiful time; everyone was in so much trouble all the time and they had no concept of hiding their discretions. No one had a chance at threatening me, that I even had time to begin watching the older girls in high school, and learning what and… who, my older peers were up to. _

_So much so, that in eighth grade, Serena and I were the youngest students to ever be allowed to help with Cotillion. _

_It was the first real flex of my Queenly abilities. With perfect control of my future minions, I ruined the plans for the debs and mentors tea and successfully organized a new, and much more elegant, tea. The society matrons were delighted and oh so grateful, and Serena and I were asked to help during the event. This gave us greater knowledge and experience than all our peers in the coming years. And as Queen, I needed to be the number one debutant in my year. _

_By this time, everything started to feel better, actually. All the girls had gotten used to having periods and breasts, people were kissing and dating openly for the most part. I was still dreaming of my Marchesa gown, but walked to school in one of my many pairs of heels carrying one of my many precious bags. And while I didn't fill out my Chantelle the way Serena filled out her La Perla, I was happy with my B-cups. Secretly, it was nice because I could go braless without looking like… well… Serena, when she did. _

_It was that winter, I made a mistake in my happiness. At least it was only a tiny one? Sort of…_

* * *

Title: German 'The Darkest Night' proofed by my dear Emi-chan, whom has done several pieces of anime-styled art of Chuck and Blair on Tumblr.

Apologies for such heavy darkness in the second chapter, but the events of this chapter are a key factor in this Blair's development.


	3. 아차

아차

The week before Cotillion, Serena and Blair celebrated by going ice-skating at Wollman Rink. Blair had a new dark blue outfit just for skating and it was in a happy state that she pulled down Chuck's old cashmere scarf. It looked too perfect with her outfit. Snowflakes fell through the air as the two girls talked and laughed, walking through the park. They laughed more as they played on the ice together, the cold air turning their cheeks bright pink. They spun in circles and chased snowflakes and just enjoyed being _girls_.

At one point, before they became too tired, Serena grabbed Blair and they snapped a cute photo together with Serena's phone. Serena smiled and stuck her tongue out, while Blair had a giant grin on her face, their heads together, their hair dotted with hundreds of snowflakes.

Blair instantly skated off after the photo, but Serena sent a text message first.

_won't u and natie bring us hot chocolate? sant ambroeus, pls! _

With the cute photo attached for good measure, Serena hit send. To Chuck. She smiled. Because she knew. Not about the scarf Blair was wearing, but she knew… Blair and Chuck, Chuck and Blair. All their schemes aside, there had to be something more, right?

Half an hour later, there was Chuck Bass and Nate Archibald, clad in warm little pea coats, carrying the requested Sant Ambroeus. Serena dragged Blair off of the ice. Turning, she was horrified to find Chuck and Nate waiting for them, "What-"

"I wanted hot chocolate, you don't mind, do you? You can't tell me you aren't cold!" Serena answered before Blair could even ask as they pulled off their skates and slipped on their flats.

Chuck gave Blair a little half smile and held out her hot chocolate.

She gave him a wary look, "You didn't do anything to it?"

"In the middle of the day, in public? No, too much of a risk," he replied with a proper smirk.

Nate and Serena laughed and Blair grudgingly took the hot beverage from him. He watched her as she drank, amusement dancing in his eyes. That's when she realized what she was wearing. Oh God, would he remember?

Of course he did. The Basshole.

"Nice scarf."

Blair stared daggers at him.

Chuck simply reached down and lifted the end of it up to read the tag. "Henry Poole & Co., excellent taste."

"Oh, stop it," Blair grumbled, snatching the scarf back while trying to hide her shame. After all these years…

Nate was totally confused, and Serena might not have known _what_ exactly was going on, but she was an excellent flirt, and a terrific actress. She looked at her phone and gasped, "Oh no! We have to get to our appointment, B!"

Grabbing the brunette's arm, Serena hauled her away from the ice rink, leaving a happily confused Nate and a bemused Chuck staring after them.

Out of earshot, Blair hissed, "We don't have an appointment."

"We know that- but they don't!" Serena grinned, "You always have to leave them wanting more."

"What?" Blair furrowed her brow, absolutely lost, "What are you talking about?"

"Boys! You have to tease and flirt- make them work for it." Serena winked at her friend.

Blair's brow was still furrowed, but her mouth fell open as she gazed at her friend, absolutely mortified. "Serena, you can't mean…"

"Come on, Chuck is the only boy you spend any sort of time with. And he came when asked… he has no reason to come for me. And, hello, what was that about your scarf?"

"That was nothing. In fact, you are completely off. Chuck is an ally- and that is all! I learned from my mother what trouble men are, and I'm going to be like Queen Elizabeth I." Blair stuck her nose up in the air at this.

"The _virgin _queen?" Serena stifled a giggle.

Blair replied with a scowl, "You would see it that way. But she cared about ruling her empire over dealing with a man, or letting them overshadow her."

Pursing her lips, Serena wondered aloud, "But what does Chuck think?"

"He thinks _nothing_, Serena! Not about _me_." Blair's tone was adamant, "We scheme together a little and then I'm out of his head before he's up the skirt of another girl."

"You mean to tell me, you think Chuck Bass has never thought about _your_ skirt?" Serena waggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"Ew, seriously," Blair subtly gathered some snow in her free hand, throwing it at her friend, "You need to cool off!"

Serena squealed, and the girls began running, laughing through the snow, all the way back to Blair's home.

* * *

It was the night before the daylong event that was Cotillion and Blair was in her room, going over her ensemble choice. She could not decide which hairstyle she wanted when Dorota called up to her that she had a guest. It was probably Serena wanting to triple check her own outfit. She hopped down the stairs happily, freezing a moment at the bottom of the staircase. Her guest was not Serena. Or female. It was Chuck. Dorota noisily tidied up in the living room to remind them they were not alone.

"Chuck." She wondered at his unexpected appearance.

"Don't look so worried. I brought you something. Well…" He tugged on his blue and red bow tie a moment and Blair felt her mouth go dry, "A congratulations gift, for your accomplishment at Cotillion, and I guess a sort of… Christmas present?"

Blair did not like how uncomfortable he looked. It made her stomach drop away. He pulled a pretty blue box out from behind his back. Wide and flat and… Tiffany's. Oh… a bow tie and Tiffany's were so not the same thing. She took the box from him and though he was smirking, he shoved his hands in his pockets.

"I expect to see you, and that, in the Sunday papers. Even though you're just helping." He gave her a genuine smile, his eyes all caramel and hazel. His face said _I'm proud of you._

All Blair could do was look at him and Chuck just stared right back. Dorota made an annoyingly loud noise and Chuck's smile turned into a grinned. Pulling a hand out of his pocket, he lifted it up and let it pass over her curls, "See you in the papers."

With that, he turned and left.

It took a few minutes, sitting at her vanity, for Blair to open the box. First, she pulled the satiny ribbon off. Then opened the blue box. All that was left was the black velvet case sitting between her and… whatever lay inside. With a deep breath, she flipped it open. Three strands of intricately woven diamonds wrapped around each other, to form… a headband.

Her heart leapt into her throat and she seriously considered running to the bathroom, wanting to purge all these confusing feelings. But she couldn't, she wouldn't- that was not what he was trying to do. But what _was_ he trying to do? Blair was not sure she wanted to know.

So instead, she snapped the box shut and thought about her hair for tomorrow.

And true to form, the Cotillion coverage in the Sunday papers contained an image of a smiling Blair Waldorf and her pretty band of Tiffany diamonds. She looked beautiful, and Chuck smiled at her photo awhile, before tucking the paper away in his desk.

* * *

_I did what any respectable girl would do when given such a gift. I pretended it never happened. Well, for the most part. What was I suppose to think? Like it could have meaning? It was a gift from _Chuck Bass_. The only thing he could want from me, we both knew I was never planning to give up- not to him, or anyone. I had other things to think about, like the end of eighth grade, and the start of high school! It was going to be a whole new game- a harder game, a bigger game. So, he was just being nice, like… my graduation gift to him, right? That's what I told myself anyway. I didn't have time to think about it any other way, and I didn't want to. Chuck never dated anyone, and neither did I. Though, I wondered what I would do in high school? And during winter break, while _**_not_**_ thinking about Chuck, I found a solution. Or, at least, fell into one?_

Blair knew she could not completely ignore Chuck's amazing gift. But she still could not bring herself to really admit its existence, even when she would peek inside the box after Cotillion was over. So Christmas Day came and went and Blair was too scared to even try and thank Chuck for his gift. But it wore on her, deep inside. One quiet, snowy afternoon, Blair stepped out onto Fifth Avenue, with the idea of visiting Chanel and Bendel's in mind. It was cold out, but she wanted to walk, tired of being closed up indoors. She nuzzled down into her soft purple scarf a little more to keep her nose from turning pink. She had been sorely tempted to grab Chuck's pretty dark red scarf on her way out, but she had stopped herself. As she walked, her thoughts drifted, like the snowflakes that were drifting through the air. The scarf made her think of Chuck, and thinking of Chuck made her think of his gaze, and the diamond headband.

Walking past FAO Schwartz, even after Christmas, Blair watched all the little children with their nannies or parents, tourist and natives alike, coming and going from the great toy mecca, with candy and hot chocolate in hand, as well as their purchases. Oh… hot chocolate would be nice before she reached the Chanel boutique. There was a cafe in the men's Bergdorf's, she recalled just as a chilly blast of wind hit her. It would be a reprieve from the cold!

But once inside, the sartorial beauty around her triggered her guilt as it triggered thoughts of Chuck. Each moment she waited for her hot chocolate grated on her; silk pocket squares, crisply hung trousers, elegant tuxedos, glossy loafers, and intricate brouging on the beautiful dress shoes. When she finally made her escape, she relished the cold air that hit her face. Stomping past Louis Vuitton, the universe refused to let her be. There it was- how could she forget? Tiffany's. The iconic facade stared back at her, and with a huff, Blair Waldorf cracked. Crossing the street, she wistfully glanced towards Chanel, but knew she could not enjoy anything until she got rid of this Chuck associated guilt. In less than an hour she had made her order and it would be ready before New Year's. Perfect. She could start the New Year free from Chuck's freakish nicety.

* * *

"B!"

The sound shrieked through her cellphone and she pulled it away from her ear as she slipped on her coat.

"Calm down, S. Sheesh, what is it?" Blair grumbled into her phone.

"I need help. I don't know what to wear for the New Year's party! Where are you?" Serena whined.

"I'm just on my way to Tiffany's," Blair blurted out before she realized-

"Great! I'll meet you there!" Click.

Crap. Blair hurried from her penthouse, hoping, somehow, she could make to Tiffany's to pick up the gift before Serena got there.

But there was her bubbly blonde friend waiting as she arrived. Great.

"I just have something to pick up inside." Blair mumbled, Serena oblivious to her mood.

But Serena treated Tiffany like it was Bendel's, cooing over the jewels, slowing Blair down to a stop as she tried to reach the counter where Chuck's gift was waiting.

"Oh!" Serena cried with glee, "Look at these charm bracelets, aren't they perfect?"

Blair eyed the objects warily- it was a bit kitschy for her taste. "A little juvenile, you mean."

"That's the point though, B. You have one to hang all the memories of your youth from. All your adventures- and our adventures!"

For a moment, Blair stared at the little silver chains and thought of all the charms she would hang from it- now, and for the future. It was tempting, and Serena was giving her the doe eyes. With a roll of her eyes, Blair grabbed Serena's hand and dragged her, finally, to the counter.

While they waited for the item to be retrieved, Blair fidgeted, the realization that Serena would soon see it, hitting her.

Serena bounced on her feet, impatient, "So… what are we picking up?"

"A late Christmas present." Blair spoke as plainly as she could manage.

"Oh, for who?"

"Um…"

The sales associate returned just at that moment, opening the velvet box for Blair's inspection. Lifting it, Blair examined the pretty silver cuff links inside. The face had a very masculine 'CB' etched into it, and between the C and B was a stone. One had a ruby, the other a deep blue sapphire. Blair smiled. It was not a grand gift, but it was still quite beautiful.

"Oh! Are these for your fath-" Serena leaned in to look closer at the cuff links, her sentence cut off by a very audible gasp.

Blair snapped the box shut, thanked the sales assistant, and quickly signed the order form before grabbing a very stunned Serena and pulling her out of the store. The cold air shocked the blonde back into her senses and she sputtered, "They are for… _him_!"

Blair rolled her eyes, "He gave me a really over the top Christmas present. I have to give him something!"

Serena had a sly smile on her face, "Over the top? Wow, I can't even imagine what an over the top gift from Chuck Bass could even look like. And it wasn't lecherous if you're giving him cuff links… hmm…"

"I'm not going to tell you. Especially _you_ of all people! I'd never hear the end of it."

This served to only increase Serena's interest, "Come on, B! I'm your _best_ friend! What if I promise not to give you a hard time about it?" She gave Blair her sweetest smile.

"Hmm…" Blair knew Serena would not give up, and… they were best friends. But ugh, to never hear the end of it? "How about you can have five minutes of… however you are going to react, but then not another word- EVER."

"Well now I'm really curious. I have to know. I swear to never comment or mention it again after my five minutes." Serena held up her hand in good faith, mentally adding that at least Blair forgot to include suggestive facial expressions.

Blair turned her head away, unable to look at Serena's face as she uttered the words, "You know the headband of diamonds I wore at Cotillion?"

"Yeah! The triple strand woven together, it was like intricate Brussels's lace, twinkling in your hair…" Serena's reverie dropped off as she realized what Blair was saying. "Oh… my… God. I thought it was some antique thing your father sent from Europe or something- and it's _really_ diamonds?"

"From Tiffany's."

"I don't even…" Serena's mouth fell open a little, her eyes widening more, as the truth of the thing grew more solid. There was a pause. A delicious pause. Because in the next moment, Blair was clamping her hands over her ears and glaring at her friend.

"CHUCK BASS BOUGHT YOU DIAMONDS!"

"Shh! We're on the street, for crying out loud, Serena!"

"FIVE MINUTES! I HAVE FIVE MINUTES! HE BOUGHT YOU DIAMONDS!"

"Stop it! Just stop! I don't know why- and it honestly doesn't matter! So what? He's just being… arrogant."

"SO WHAT? HE BOUGHT YOU DIAMONDS!" Serena still could not calm down.

"Ugh, it's just Chuck. You say it like this isn't who he is in the first place. Remember the delightfully inappropriate gift he gave Penelope for her birthday? That had diamonds in it."

"But that was funny! This…" Serena finally began speaking at a normal volume.

"Nothing happened. Nothing is going to happen. We're not even friends, we're just allies."

"So he's never…" Serena left Blair to fill in the blanks.

"No." Blair replied quickly, though her mind wandered to the day she gave him the bow tie. It felt like ages ago, and though they were still very young, something about that memory felt especially childish. They walked in silence for a little while, both girls lost in their thoughts.

"So…" Serena ventured to speak first, "How are you going to give them to him?"

"Courier."

"No. Really?" Serena gave Blair a critical look.

"Yes, really. I can't do it. It's too risky. Like I said, we're not friends. We're just-"

"Allies, yes, yes, I got that." Now it was Serena's turn to roll her eyes. She kept her disappointment to herself; thinking about it, she realized both Chuck and Blair were giant chickens.

* * *

Chuck grinned as he tugged his cuffs out, a flash of blue catching his eye in the mirror. Blair might have not had the courage to give them to him personally, but he would be more than happy to flaunt them in her face tonight. She had toyed with him well, giving him such a belated Christmas present. But he might forgive her tonight, if she was lucky. After all, what a perfect way to begin the New Year. When he stepped in to Carter Baizen's New Year's Party, the scene was already packed. But then, this was not just another New Year's party; it was Carter's going away party. His parents were dragging him to Asia, so this was Carter's last hurrah.

Blair was surrounded by her band of followers, wearing a slinky silver backless creation that looked like it must be from Serena's closet and not her own. And on her head was Chuck's diamond headband. Apparently he was not going to be the only one flaunting a favorite Christmas gift tonight. In the weeks since he gave it to her, she had never exposed the elaborate diamond headband was a gift from him. This fact irked Chuck and he wondered what might happen if he were to push her.

Towering over the coterie on their tiny sofa, Chuck looked down at the girls, "Good evening, Blair."

"Good evening, Chuck." Her reply was short and clipped, her eyes on the crowd rather than him.

"Ready to have a happy new year?"

"Yes, I'm quite ready for new things."

She was playing with him. Fine then. "Like your pretty new headband?"

And like that her eyes were on him, her face blank as she gazed darkly at him.

Penelope took the pause as an opportunity to chastise him. "Her headband isn't new. She wore it to Cotillion, Chuck. And here I thought you had an eye for these things."

Half of a smirk tugged at Chuck's mouth, "Oh, that is the same headband, isn't it?" He idly tugged on his cuffs as he replied, flashing the surface under the light and causing the ruby to shine, his eyes never once leaving Blair's.

Penelope with her hawk eyes missed nothing. She reached up and snagged his cuff, "These are stunning," she grabbed his other cuff to examine the sapphire link, "did you have them made?"

"I didn't," now he was fully smirking at Blair, who's glare screamed _don't you dare_, "they were actually a gift-"

"Chuck, won't you get a drink with me?" Blair rose from her seat, snagging his arm, and hauled him away from her little crowd.

"I don't know that I'm really that thirsty yet. Care to dance?"

"Ew, no." Blair looked at the group of her peers dancing, watching them rub up on each other, "As if that is dancing."

"Then maybe I should go finish my story to Penelope?" Chuck made a move to turn away from her.

"No!" She threw her head back a moment in frustration, "Is that what it will take? A dance?"

"I'll never breathe a word. Just one dance." Chuck grinned in triumph.

Blair grumbled 'fine' and pulled him into the crowd of dancers.

The air was thick with sweat and hormones, bodies thumping in time to the beat. Chuck's gaze was intense as he watched her move against him. Blair could not take the heated looks he was giving her and closed her eyes, letting him guide her body. His fingers explored the exposed skin of her back, dipping low, caressing the valley of her spine, up and down… further down until his fingers collided with the dress low on her back. He pulled her close in frustration, forcing her body hard against his. If she had chosen to wear this shimmering slip of a dress to remind everyone she was attractive, then he was more than happy to remind her what the sight of her in it was doing to every man in the room. She looked stunning, and she felt amazing pressed against him, their bodies moving together to the music.

They were quiet for the most part, too lost in being this close to one another for words. But a thought had occurred to Chuck, and he was curious, while wanting to tease her. "Who are you going to kiss at the stroke of midnight?"

He felt her stiffen in his arms, "No one! Why would I be kissing anyone?"

"It's New Year's, you're at a party… why not?"

"Because… there is no one I would want to kiss."

"Don't you want to be Queen some day? You should have your pick- you can't expect to be Queen without playing with the boys."

She swallowed hard- he was right. It was something she did not know how to handle. How to be Queen without a King?

Blair pulled back enough to look into his eyes, "And who would you have me kiss?"

It came out of his mouth before he even knew he was thinking it, "Me."

They watched each other for several beats, Chuck surprised with his own desire, and Blair predicting possible outcomes. "No. Our alliance means too much. I won't complicate things. The response to it… it'd be too damaging for us both."

Chuck had no reply. She was right, but that did not mean he liked it. He just watched her, his eyes dark.

She gave him a tiny smile and thanked him for the dance before walking back to her little sofa. He soon found a bottle of scotch and a corner where some girls from Dalton flitted around him as midnight crept closer.

While Blair looked normal to everyone else, what Chuck had said began to turn ideas over in her head. In high school, she would need to date- she could not go to society events alone. And she would have to kiss boys. It would give her dates something to vie for. There was her answer- a different date for each event. But how could she announce this change in her attitude?

The energy in the room increased as the hands of the clock climbed towards twelve. In those last few minutes, it came to her. It was safe and perfect, another jewel to add in her crown. Walking through the crowd of her peers, she found their host, the attractive and debaucherous Carter Baizen. He was worse than Chuck, truth be told. Chuck's misdeeds were for pleasure, but were often times useful as well, accumulating secrets and favors and power. Not so with Carter. Just sex and booze and drugs. But… it was only polite to thank him for the invitation, and wish him well in Asia, right?

"Thank you for inviting me to your party, Carter." She gave him a soft smile.

"Of course," Carter was already sky high, and he watched her, slightly confused at being approached by the uptight Blair Waldorf.

"I'm having a great time."

"I'm glad." He finally returned her little smile. This was interesting.

"Would you help me make it a _really_ great night?" Blair teasingly licked her lips a little. Carter had no choice but to stare.

"How would I do that?" He licked his lips in response.

"It's almost midnight…" Blair fluttered her eyelashes, moving closer to him.

Their peers began crying out the countdown, and Carter could do nothing but stare at Blair's pretty red lips as she drew closer and closer to him. His arms snaked around her waist, his fingers dragging down the skin of her back. His mouth crashed into hers as 'Happy New Year!' was cheered around them. It was an absolute spectacle, and everyone watched, hollering.

There was one person who did not holler or shout as he witnessed the event. A pretty little redhead sat, ignored, in Chuck's lap, pouting, as he watched Carter's hands run down Blair's back- where his hands had been before, and Carter's mouth tasting Blair. Disgusted, he shoved the girl away and left the party.

Her mission accomplished, Blair's cheeks were pink as she looked around the crowd. Eventually, she found her way back to her little sofa, everyone still talking about the kiss. Her eyes searched the room for him, but she could not find Chuck. Pushing him from her mind, she decided it was for the best.

* * *

_That was the coldest winter. Not just the snow and ice, but we kept our distance from each other, Chuck and I. I stopped myself from texting him little stories, and so did he. We couldn't look at each other for weeks. There were no secret meetings at The Rose Club. It hurt… and I had to admit my public display had hurt him. _

_So one frosty day near the end of winter, I pulled his pretty scarf down and wore it to school. It spoke to him the way I couldn't, and called to him. He smiled at me in passing, smirking as he said, "Still looks good on you." _

_And just like that, we slipped back into ourselves and enjoyed the short journey to the end of our middle school years._

* * *

AN: Thanks to Poinsettia for the writing session! And to Tranquility at FanForum for cheering me onwards with such kind words! Title is Korean 'Acha', meaning 'Oh my gosh!'. Seems appropriate, no? -_^


	4. 太完美

太完美

Blair texted as she walked to meet Serena at Bendel's.

_"I want breakfast tomorrow."_

_"I'm sure Dorota can manage that. Why are you texting me?"_

_"So _**_we_**_ can have breakfast together, Bass."_

_"In your bed? Why Waldorf… be sure to let Dorota know I only drink fresh squeezed orange juice."_

_"Ugh, keep dreaming. Where should we go?"_

_"10AM, the Loeb Boathouse."_

_"Are you trying to tease me? They don't do breakfast. What are you up to?"_

_"So unfaithful, after all these years? Don't be late." _

* * *

It was a beautiful morning as Blair strolled through Central Park. She felt light; there was nothing to do. Classes were over and graduation was tomorrow. She approached the boathouse at exactly 10AM and saw Arthur standing guard. "Good morning, Arthur."

"Good morning, Ms. Waldorf. You look lovely this morning." The chauffeur smiled kindly.

Blair returned his smile and ran a hand over the soft folds of her pretty pink dress, "Thank you." She glanced at the empty restaurant, quickly jumping to a conclusion, "Is Charles sending me on a wild goose chase?"

"No, Miss," Arthur continued to smile and opened the door for Blair.

Inside, she found Chuck sitting at a table by the window, idly reclined in his seat, sipping orange tinted vodka. There was a pause when he turned and his eyes fell on her, and he quickly sat his drink down before standing and pulling out a seat for her. As Blair sat, there was no kind greetings or thank you's, they simply feel easily into themselves.

"Getting an early start?" She cut, referring to the drink that was a distant cousin to the screwdriver.

"Hair of the dog." Chuck grinned as he replied and took his seat.

Blair frowned, "Such a lovely turn of phrase."

He bowed his head a little, though the smirk never left his face, "My apologies, Miss Manners."

Suddenly, pointed Italian leathered-toe struck an Armani-covered shin. Chuck's smirk cracked and Blair continued to castigate his behavior, "Stop it, we are here to celebrate."

The waiter brought Blair a glass of juice as Chuck asked, "Celebrate?"

"Graduation, of course. We've come a long way in three years."

Touching glasses, they both drank to that. In spite of celebrating their accomplishments, Blair's mind quickly turned to what was next, what the future may hold. "What do you think we'll be doing four years from now?"

"Graduating again?"

Blair rolled her eyes at his literal observation, "But what will we be like?"

"You'll be Queen."

"In time, yes."

"I would bet sooner than you think." Chuck lifted his glass, toasting her before taking a long drink.

"Underclassmen are not Queen, Chuck."

"Then just think… the whole school, bowing to the youngest Queen ever."

His smile was strong and unconsciously, Blair found herself mirroring it as she absorbed the idea. Youngest Queen ever… No, a freshmen? She pushed the thought from her mind, for now. Instead, she turned on Chuck. "Who will you be in four years? My dark knight?"

"The White Queen does not command the Black Knight," his face was expressionless as he turned his glass in his hand, "Anyway… there are no magicians in chess. I like to hide in my smoke and mirrors."

"Your shrouds and shadows and deep dark corners," Blair smiled.

Chuck lifted his eyes from watching his drink and appraised her. How could people as young as they, be so wholly complex?

She leaned over the table, towards him, her smile becoming mischievous, "Yet here you are, in the bright light of day with me?"

He scoffed, "You break all the rules, Waldorf. But only so you can make new ones."

Blair took a sip of her drink, "True… and that's how I like it. After all, look here, Charles Bass having breakfast? Perhaps 'Queen' is too low a word for me, for this must be divine intervention!"

Chuck laughed. A genuine laugh.

Though a short chuckle, he smiled at her, "Always aspiring to climb higher, aren't you?"

"How else am I told build admiration and mystique, but to keep pushing further, harder, higher?"

In his appreciation of her, Chuck had accidentally hit her 'drive' button. But this was not the time for that, so he pulled her back. "Mystique? So that's why you are running off to Paris this summer."

"You say it as though there is only one reason to visit Paris." Blair primly sipped more of her drink, "But you know where to find Serena and I if you get bored in the Hamptons?"

"Are we playing 'Where's Waldorf?' now?" Chuck watched her finally smile again, "Though, perhaps not the best time for both of us to leave the city. Someone needs to keep an eye on our peers."

"Or keep them in trouble, you mean." Blair lifted a knowing eyebrow at him.

"Precisely."

_Did you see it? I didn't. I never could. It was so easy with Chuck, and because he always put forth such effort with women, I could never tell, I could never see that he was ever any different with me. But then, I never realized that with Chuck, I was blind. There was so much I knew without knowing it, but the worst part was not understanding anything between us. The dynamic, or seeing the risk, the games. And I would realize it all, much too late._

* * *

Blair stood tall as she walked into to Constance for her last time before high school. She smiled wide, a box tucked under her arm, she turned to Dorota. The surly maid was carrying Blair's cello and the girl, quite queenly, dismissed her, "I will come to tune it shortly. I have something to do first."

Dorota gave her a stern questioning look, glancing at the J Press box under Blair's arm, knowing yet not knowing. She had purchased this graduation gift without her.

Blair pulled her phone out, tapping out a quick text.

_"Where are you?"_

_"Roof."_

She should have guessed that one. Climbing the several flights of stairs, Blair took a moment to collect her appearance before throwing the door of the roof access open. There he was; his back to her, cutting a striking figure in a well tailored navy blue suit as he looked out on the city beyond. Blair came to stand next to him; he never moved or turned to acknowledge her.

She broke their silence, "You know, I've always felt I owed you."

At this, Chuck turned to look at her. "On just one count?"

Blair turned to look at him, too. She quirked an eyebrow in question, "Are you keeping count? Tit for tat?"

He grinned wolfishly, "No. But there are some exceptional examples of my greatness where you are concerned."

Blair rolled her eyes and shook her head, "Well, this isn't for one of them. This… is for second grade."

That completely threw Chuck off. Second grade? Hardly a year of exceptional scheming given their age. That's when he noticed the box in her hands. She held it up to him and he felt his stomach drop. The past three years had changed them, without question, yet here he was, feeling the same as he did before- feeling the same things he felt for her when she gave him that bow tie.

He held his breath as he pulled the box open and Blair smiled serenely as she watched. It was…

A scarf.

Silk, and patchwork, with white and… dark red and deep blue.

Chuck found it difficult to swallow and his tongue felt too big to speak.

Blair pulled it from the tissue paper, "Now I don't owe you anymore. And… you need an icon, a signature, now that we're going to be playing the bigger field of high school. A signature scarf… it just felt like… you."

He leaned forward so she could reach up and drape it over his shoulders, letting her adjust it around his neck. Chuck closed his eyes tight for a few moments, a flicker of pain crossing his face if anyone could have seen him. He was surrounded by her- her arms, her scent, her aura, just like three years ago. And for those few seconds, his mind screamed wondering what if they had kissed that day, what would have been, what might have changed?

It seemed as if Blair knew this, and the cause of the action was so unclear, but… as they pulled apart, she placed the softest, sweetest little kiss on his cheek. Was it an offensive move, in case he were to try and kiss her? Was it from a feeling? What feeling? Friendship? Something… else? He couldn't tell at all.

Standing apart, Blair continued to smile at him. "Thank you, Chuck. Just… thank you."

And with the slightest tug to his new scarf, she turned and left.

* * *

Eighth grade 'graduation' was more formal than fifth grade, but not on level with the high school graduation ceremony. No cap and gown, no diplomas, but a few speeches and a number of awards of distinction. Which is why when Chuck took his seat, he briefly wondered _why_ he was here? He gazed down at the program in his hands and looked at the scarf hanging down from his shoulders. Suddenly, it didn't really matter why, and he flipped open the program. Blair was of course top of their class and receiving a number of honors but in the program, there was one place he found her name that he had not expected. Now he was quite glad he was here. It was the one thing she had always teased him with, something she had kept from him, even after debating aspects at length. But at last, she could hide it from him no longer.

The anxiety was delicious as it built. He was bored- they were making him wait for this. He shifted in his seat, fidgeted with his program, adjusted his scarf, yet managed to look completely indifferent as he did so.

Then.

There she was. Blair was taking the stage- again, only this time, carrying her cello. In order to accept the award for best string student, she had to play. In front of everyone. Chuck knew it was not a question of nerves for her, but simply a choice to keep something to herself. But not today. Today she would finally play for him. The program did not declare what piece she had chosen to perform, so Chuck waited, with curiosity and anticipation, trying to guess at least the composer. Names tumbled through his head from all different periods; classical, contemporary, romantic, baroque?

She took her seat, placing the deep rose colored instrument between her knees. It had never occurred to Chuck before what a… suggestive instrument the cello was. He took a deep breath with her, his eyes following her hand as she dropped the bow to the strings.

The movement was hypnotic, the long bow sliding back and forth as it coaxed notes from the strings. He recognized the piece in three seconds. It was probably the most recognized cello piece in the word. Bach's Prélude from Suite #1. Blair played it quite well, and Chuck was fascinated. At first with watching the movements, how her fingers moved, back and forth across the strings, up and down the long neck. Then to how her whole body moved as she played, shifting, swaying a little, a slave to the process of creation. Only after all of that, did he watch her face. The music he was hearing, the body he was watching, only when looking upon her face did he put it all together and see Blair. The connection took his breath away, he felt the notes climbing in his chest, waves of heat rippling through him from watching her build to the end of the song and strike the final chord, the experience felt so supremely intimate, it felt voyeuristic.

Blair stood and curtseyed. When she lifted her head, her eyes found him immediately and she smiled, just for him. He watched her leave the stage and decided he needed some air. The rest of the program held no interest for him anyway. As he sat in the courtyard, breathing, he considered what had happened. Chuck was not unfamiliar with feeling a connection to someone; not with all his seductions and conquests. But what had just passed between he and Blair? They had always had an odd, indefinable relationship, but he had never been aware of their connection before. He kept an eye on her, yes, and they teased each other, and schemed together, but… this empathy, this… he didn't want to even think the word. A connection he could accept- a connection could be short-term, could be trivial. But… a bond?

Chuck pulled out of his pocket the little blue box he had been keeping and turned it over in his hands. The irony of its contents was not lost on him in this moment. He shook his head; you never know how your younger self in such innocence can come back to haunt you. People began to stream into the courtyard and Chuck stuffed the box back into his pocket. He knew where he would wait for her.

* * *

The formal air of graduation lifted and Blair found herself encompassed in a mess of squealing blonde hair, "We did it!"

"S… it was only eighth grade."

"And we lived through it!" Serena bounced up and down. Blair just smiled and went along with it.

Serena released her best friend, "And now I can give you your present!"

"Present?" Blair tried to not sound quite so easily excited at receiving a gift.

With a broad grin, Serena proffered a square little Tiffany's box. Blair cooly untied the white ribbon and lifted the lid. Resting inside was a pretty silver charm bracelet, with a few charms already attached which Serena proceeded to explain:

A heart, with Blair's initials.

A golden hanger, from Eleanor,

A sweet little teddy bear, from Harold,

An enamel pink peony, from Dorota,

And the Eiffel Tower, to remember their upcoming summer trip together.

Serena helped Blair put it on, before flashing her own bracelet, with matching Eiffel Tower.

"You can be a sneaky one, can't you, S?" Blair looked down at their wrists.

"I couldn't have done it if you thought it was completely awful. And of course I can be sneaky- didn't you know? Blair Waldorf _is_ my best friend."

The girls smiled and hugged again, agreeing to meet for dinner later on. After all, Paris was only a day away.

* * *

Eventually, Blair made it through the crowd of classmates and mass of congratulations to the music room. She finished tucking her cello away when she heard his voice.

"That's an awfully large piece of wood for such a petite girl."

Blair rolled her eyes and turned to him, "Is that really the best you can do?"

"It's been a long, exhausting day," Chuck smiled faintly.

"Now I know that is not true."

"A… surprising day?" He offered.

"Was there something surprising about it for you?" Blair feigned.

Chuck stepped towards her, staring into her eyes. "You played your cello for me."

Blair stepped back away from him, meeting the wall. Though cornered, she stood tall, in spite of his intense gaze unnerving her. "No, I played for graduation, not you."

"You only looked at me. And that piece… you chose that piece, knowing my thoughts on it."

Blair lied, "Or because I wanted to show off. Plus, people recognize it."

True, and true. But she and Chuck discussed so many things, and that included music. She knew he liked Bach for his cerebral compositions, that such intelligence could convey such beauty. And they had discussed the Prélude and that conversation had molded her feelings and affected how she interpreted the piece. Had she played it for Chuck though? If she had, Blair was not admitting to anyone- including herself.

"It was beautiful," his voice was soft, and he paused a moment, seeming to pull himself together once more. With a half-smile, he continued, "Though, that's not such a surprise with you, Waldorf."

Blair breathed easy a moment, but only one breath. For the next was caught in her throat.

Chuck was holding out a tiny box from Tiffany's.

Her heartbeat said _I can't_, but the Queen in her rose up. She hid the fear in her eyes behind a teasing smile, "This box is so much smaller than the last one."

"Yes, well, this one, while technically a gift for you, is also a gift for me."

Now Blair was just plain curious and acting as though she was being thoroughly put upon, she opened the box.

Nestled inside, made of silver and inlaid with navy blue enamel, was a bow. It looked just like her ribbon from second grade.

Chuck lifted it from the box, "I knew what Serena was up to with her bracelet of your life and I very well could not be excluded."

Blair was at a loss for words and Chuck was wrapped up in the perfection of his gift. He took her hand and for a moment, played with her charms, deciding where to attach the bow. He did not want to be next to Serena's charm- he and Blair went further back than that. The next open spot was next to Blair's heart. After the burst of intimacy he felt with her earlier, and how good it felt to be near her at this moment, he felt greedy enough, bold enough, for such a minor, symbolic thing.

He held her hand, palm facing upwards, as he affixed the little charm on the chain. Blair was grateful for the wall behind her. Chuck's care and intensity was overwhelming, and the feel of his fingers on her skin caused her heart to race.

Chuck gazed into her eyes after completing his task. She looked lost, and he was still feeling delightfully brazen, "You don't mind that I put it next to your heart?"

Blair saw and felt his arrogance rolling off of him, topped off by the smirk curling on his lips. It was cold, if a bit too quiet, "I don't have a heart."

"Really?" Chuck titled his head in question. "Then… what is this?"

He was still holding her hand, and swiftly, he lowered his head, pressing his lips against her wrist. The pounding of her heart throbbed at the pulse point. It was an undeniable triumph, irrefutable evidence of her response to him. He let his mouth rest there for a sinful moment, feeling her softness as he breathed her in. Not one to ever deny temptation, he parted his lips a little, allowing the very tip of his tongue to taste her. When he finally raised himself upright, Chuck's smile was nothing but perfect cockiness.

But Blair's face was far from happy. There was upset, sadness and… hurt? She lifted the hand he had been holding up to cup his cheek, her eyes so soft as she looked at him, "Please. Don't do this to me, Chuck."

The hollow note of pleading in her voice gutted him. He had misstepped. Chuck felt her hand slip away from his face and all he could do was watch her go.

_Fools. We were both such fools. _

* * *

Title: Chinese for 'perfection'.

If you don't already know, I'm a huge, gigantic audiophile. I listened to Yo Yo Ma's 'Inspired by Bach' variation of Prèlude from Cello Suite #1 in G, BWV 1007, during writing but there are other interpertations, from Yo Yo himself, as well as other artists such as Mischa Maisky, Anner Bylsma, and Steven Sharp Nelson, just to name a few! Do you have a favorite interpretation? Yo Yo Ma was my first 'celebrity crush' but then, I adore Steven Sharp Nelson, too ^_^


	5. La Reine

La Reine

_The summer before high school began was blissful. Serena and I explored Paris without a care in the world. When Serena would run off to sate her bohemian needs with art lessons or poetry readings, I took lessons befitting my future Queenship: deportment, etiquette, dance, visits to Versailles for inspiration, and reading of the great women who came before me while sitting along the Seine. Together, we went shopping, of course, teased flirtatious French boys, and stroked our egos more by visiting my mother's atelier to see what was going on behind the scenes of the fashion world. It's one thing to wear Chanel and Oscar, it's another to rub shoulders with Oscar himself or see Karl in person. _

_One evening near the end of summer, Eleanor disrupted our analysis of that day's purchases…_

Eleanor was reading an e-mail on her phone as she spoke, "I need you girls to be packed in the morning."

Serena and Blair turned to look at one another as Blair asked, "Why?"

Both girls imagined they were being sent back to New York several weeks early and were heartbroken at the thought. No one was back from the Hamptons yet; the city would be empty.

"I can't leave you here and I have no idea how long the photo shoot in Morocco will take." she was now intensely typing a reply on her phone.

Serena squealed, "Morocco!"

"Take what you need and everything else should be packed to send back to New York." Eleanor turned, beginning a phone call as she walked away.

It was a flurry of fabric as they packed.

"We'll return to New York with tans after all!" Serena's grin was wide as she tried to decide which of her bikini's to take. She couldn't chose and they all were packed away.

"And you will have a legitimate excuse to wear all the black eyeliner you want," Blair laughed.

Serena glowered in reply, "Well if that's where you want to go… now you won't be able to keep chickening out of using that fake ID I had made for you."

Blair glowered back, "It's just going to be so obvious…"

"No drinking age in Morocco," Serena's grin returned.

"And how do you know this?"

"I just do. I mean, have you met my mother?" Serena shrugged her shoulders a moment before attacking Blair in a giant hug, "Morocco!"

* * *

Their first night out, Serena was a vision in swaths of blue and white fabric. Blair appeared to be Serena's shadow in a flowing black dress, but both girls were beautiful as they smiled. Before heading into the heat of the city, they snapped a photo on their balcony, the inky blue-black sky dripping over the shimmering city.

Blair typed out a text message as they walked downstairs.

_Hope you are staying out of trouble… more or less. -B_

Across the Atlantic, something vibrated in Chuck Bass's pocket. The girl next to him grinned and he offered her a small smirk in return as he slid the phone from his pocket. Discreetly, he checked his text messages. Blair. There was a little texting between them this summer but it had now been a few weeks since her last message. Flipping the device open, his eyes fell to the photo of she and Serena. While Serena looked wonderful- always so bright and shining, he couldn't have cared less. He only had eyes for Blair, all darkness and her mouth… deep red lips, so full; he felt the blood drain from his face and find… somewhere else to go. His eyes tore away from the image and scanned her text. Stay out of trouble? Please, the Hamptons were so much more boring this year without her here. But he couldn't very well _say_ that. Hmm…

_As good as always. The kingdom isn't too out of control without you. Don't be too good, my Queen of the Desert. -C _

There. That should unsettle her tiara enough to not see the truth. That without her here, he saw how much less interesting his life was… how much more empty.

Blair's phone buzzed as Serena arrived with the first round of drinks. Cautiously, Blair sipped her first gin and tonic. Not… exactly pleasant, but tolerable. Serena tossed back half of hers without batting an eyelash. Just another reminder that technically, compared to her peers, Blair was behind the times where alcohol was concerned. Now slightly grumpy, she looked at Chuck's text message. Suddenly, she felt the gin hit her stomach and flush her cheeks bright pink- it was the gin, right? My Queen? **My **Queen. What was that Basstard thinking? Why, if she wasn't thousands of miles away, she would remind him who he was messing with.

Suddenly, the rest of that gin and tonic went down quite smoothly and rather fast. Just like the cosmopolitan that followed, and the vodka martini after that. Blair couldn't remember all they drank through the night- there were shots of something, other drinks… but by then her memories became quite fuzzy. There was dancing and shouting along to the music and more drinks.

What Blair would remember was the morning after. Her mouth tasted like sand and her head spun, buzzing as though a hive of angry bees had taken residence inside. She tried to move but failed in the effort, resulting in Blair becoming aware of the blonde piled on top of her.

"Serena," she croaked.

All the blonde did in response was groan and roll over. At least that freed Blair. Ugh, she had to pee, so in spite of her body's unwillingness, she opened her eyes and pushed herself to the edge of the bed. Her vision was bleary, the light hurt, and as she stood and tried to take a step, she staggered, nearly falling before she caught herself. Slowly, ever so slowly, Blair made her way to the bathroom, grumbling 'never again' as she went. Upon accomplishing her mission, Blair sank to the bathroom floor and pulled at her dress. She could feel the makeup still caked on her face, she felt dirty, and was generally disgusted to still be wearing the same clothes from last night. The weight and lethargy of her body refused to be overcome as she finally shed her dress. Clad in her underthings, Blair pathetically crawled into the shower and turned the water on. Heat fell on her in sheets and she shivered, her head resting against the tile wall.

How did the Basshole do it? He drank scotch like it was water and appeared perfectly normal. How would she ever keep up? Clumsily, she unhooked her bra, having to pause and collect her energy before wiggling out of her underwear. Blair sneered at the image of herself in this moment; perfectly poised Blair Waldorf crumpled up on the floor of her shower, absolutely hung over.

She stretched her legs out straight in front of her, watching the hot water make her skin pink. Her mind was a fuzzy, jumbled mess, hazily focusing again on thoughts of Chuck. How many things had he already done that she couldn't even imagine? How many drinks had he tried, how many drugs? How many nights had he shared his bed with how many different partners?

With that thought her body flushed with a different kind of heat. Her eyes felt heavy, she was still quite tired as her eyelids fell closed. Images of him drifted through her mind's eye and she relished the heat and feelings he was stirring in her. Shifting on the floor, her hand trailed its way down her body until it slid between her legs. She recalled the feeling of being so close to him, only the slightest movement of a few mere inches preventing them from being wrapped around one another, the sound of his voice when he would whisper something dark in her ear, the way that he would smirk at her. Her head fell back, her mouth open as she panted in full pursuit of her pleasure. The image of him saturated her mind, he was consuming her from thousands of miles away, even with days, weeks, _months_ of time having passed between them. Her heart pounded as she remembered how his mouth felt pressed against her skin, his eyes hot and wanting. Her hips bucked and his name broke over her vocal cords like heat lightning.

Perfect poised Blair Waldorf, hungover on her shower floor, fantasizing about Chuck Bass as she pleasured herself.

_Never again._

* * *

_Morocco was fun but soon, the excitement of starting high school pulled us back across the ocean. While I would have to admit that Chuck's words about being Queen- about being the youngest Queen ever, had undoubtedly nestled happily in my subconscious, I departed my penthouse for my first day of high school _not_ at war. I was happy for school, happy to see Serena, happy to stand and wait to present myself to the Queen with the only expectation being to become a project and not a reject. But expectations can be foolish- happiness, can be foolish. _

Elise Franz sat above them all at the top of the steps, her minions below her and a pile of folders to her left. Reject folders fell into a pile at her feet, projects moved into a terribly small pile to her right. Blair stood confidently in the line as she watched more girls than not be humiliated and humbled before the Queen. Serena went before Blair, a blonde siren with her Moroccan tan and a limited edition Louis Vuitton dangling from her arm. She smiled and everyone followed suit; sweet and alluring, Serena van der Woodsen moved into the projects pile.

With a quick deep breath, Blair took center stage. Queen Elise didn't watch, she took her time casually picking up Blair's folder, idly opening it. Blair watched as the Queen's eyes flicked over the page, pretending she hadn't read it already, and with a slight wave of horror, Blair watched a dissatisfied frown curled the other girl's mouth. Elise's sharp blue eyes cut Blair as they finally fell upon her. There were no words, just that cold frozen stare as Blair watched mortified, as her folder dropped from Elise's hand into the pile at her feet. Blair Waldorf was a reject.

For Blair's part, she spent the day in shock. She pushed Serena away at lunch, telling her to go sit with the Queen like she was suppose to. Blair was too lost, too brokenhearted to even feel Chuck's eyes falling on her, a mix of concern and hunger in them.

He was waiting for her when Blair walked home, leaning lazily against his limo. Given the past few months and that morning in Morocco, Blair had properly avoided him since returning to New York. But now, Chuck took her bag and grabbed her hand, dragging her into his limo. She was still too sullen to try to protest and he let her be, sitting in silence as his limo drove through the city.

Blair pondered if they were sneaking off to The Rose Club together, like when they were younger, but instead they came to a stop in front of a place she did not recognize. Stepping inside the club, it was lush and dark, deep plush velvets and sensuous women performing burlesque on the stage. Chuck nodded to the bartender, one hand holding Blair's as he raised the other and pointed towards the ceiling. With a nod in reply from the bartender, Chuck was pulling Blair up a stairway in the corner that had escaped her notice. It took them to a cozy secluded balcony that overlooked the club.

He ordered scotch from the waitress and was about to order Blair her Shirley Temple when she cut him off, ordering a dirty martini. Chuck hid his surprise well, curious as to when Blair Waldorf had begun drinking. Hopefully today was not the first time, the idea of Blair getting drunk after the first day of high school was not something he wanted to deal with- it wasn't right. Today wasn't right.

Sitting on the overstuffed gilded velvet sofa, Blair drank half the martini in one go.

Okay, probably not her first time drinking.

"What happened?" Chuck asked cooly.

Blair stared at her half-empty glass, "I'm a reject, that's what happened."

"Was there a reason? Didn't she say anything?"

"No- didn't you see it? She just threw my folder into the pile without a word." Saying it out loud, it stung. Blair gulped the rest of her martini, letting the alcohol burn her throat and hum in her veins.

"What was Elise thinking?" Chuck stared at the stage lights through the amber liquid in his glass.

"She was thinking how to ruin me. Make me a reject. Take away my best friend, and everyone I know. I have no status, no power- I'm an outsider now." The waitress had been quick to bring Blair a second drink and the girl buried her bitterness with it.

Chuck watched, his face placid though underneath he was horrified. This was not Blair Waldorf. As she emptied the glass, he signaled to the waitress to leave them. Putting the glass down, Blair felt the burn of the alcohol become the sting of hot tears in her eyes. This wasn't how it was suppose to be.

"Blair," Chuck grabbed her hand once more, "Look at me."

Stealing herself away, pushing the burning tears back, Blair turned her face to him. She felt in pieces, but Chuck looked at her with such strength. It made her stomach roll and she had to look away.

"No," he grasped her shoulders and she peeked back up at him through her lashes, "Are you really going to give up so easily? What happened to you?"

"It's over!" Blair shouted and tried to turn from his grasp.

But Chuck held her firmly, his hands slipping up from her shoulders to cup her face, "Stop it, Blair."

She stilled, her eyes lifted to stare into his. Blair heard her heart beating in her ears and the whole world suddenly seemed calm.

"This is the first battle in the long war of becoming Queen, of being the Queen."

He continued to stare into her eyes and Blair nodded her comprehension.

"Elise is letting her fear rule her. That is why she rejected you. It makes her feel stronger, but everyone saw what she did, and they see it as easily as I do. Be strong. Be the Queen you are and the others will follow."

After a few more moments of gazing into her eyes, Chuck felt his own fear, his own heart pounding in his chest. He swallowed hard and drew his hands away from her face. Regret tugged in his stomach, but he turned and put his cavalier attitude back on display, laying idly back against the sofa as though he owned the place.

Blair sat prim and proper on the edge of the sofa, the plush cushions unable to erase her deportment lessons. As the alcohol spread through her, her bitterness and self-loathing turned outward steadily building into blinding anger.

"You're right," It was deep and dark, hardly sounding like Blair's own voice as she spoke, "What was she thinking? Elise is going to pay for this."

Chuck smiled wide as he continued to watch the stage, "That's my girl."

With a decisive turn of her head, Blair's eyes fell on Chuck, her outrage at the day's events still burning hot in her blood, ready to bite at any who dare come close enough, mixing with the memory of his text message when she was in Morocco. "_Your_ girl?"

Rather oblivious to even uttering it, Chuck's head rolled to the side, one eyebrow raised in question at her.

"**Your** girl?" Blair repeated herself, and with speed and elegance she should not have after two martinis, she straddled his lap, her hands coming to rest on his shoulders. She watched as the eternal air of cockiness disappeared from Chuck's face. While there was no expression to replace it, his strong features now devoid of any emotion, she witnessed his hazel eyes grow darker. She lowered her hips, moving from simply straddling his thighs to properly sitting in his lap. The rush of naughtiness was thrilling and she _felt_ him respond to her.

Leaning into him, letting him glimpse down her blouse a little, she asked, "What about this is _yours_ exactly?"

Chuck raised his hands, bringing them to curl around her forearms. With practiced skill, he flipped them and pushed Blair onto her back, letting her lay before him on the sofa, her silky curls falling in dark waves over the velvet beneath her. He looked into her eyes; they were bright with the excitement of her daring move, the turn of her anger into a physical expression.

"No, Blair."

Her eyes narrowed at him.

But Chuck held strong, "You asked me to not do this to you."

"Well I'm asking you to now!" Blair fought his hold on her.

"This isn't-" _the Blair I want-_, "who you are."

He pulled away from her warm invitation and stood. A moment to breath, a moment to pull a hand through his hair. She had asked him _not_ to do… this. All he had wanted last year was a kiss and now here she was giving him half a lap dance.

Turning back to the sofa, Blair lay there, staring up at him, her eyes hard and cold. He couldn't handle her… not this Blair; her anger, this… demand.

Frustrated, he took her arm and hauled her out of the club, shoved her into his limo, and sent her home.

* * *

_I spent the rest of that week perfectly angry. Serena gave me space and Chuck… we avoided each other. I felt ashamed the first time I saw him, and I hated it. What I had done had been absolutely wild and well… I _liked_ it. But it was wrong- I had pushed him, and for what? A power trip? I had forgotten just long enough why I didn't have- or want, a boyfriend. The way Chuck had denied me, fought me, tried to tell me what to do- who I was. So when Eleanor came home that weekend, I was reminded _why,_ listening to her arguing with father about me and the holidays. They settled on Thanksgiving in Paris. Fine, whatever, it's not like I had anything here anyway. _

_Through the first month, I waited. If she was determined, Elise could persecute and humiliate me, but as the days turned into weeks, it seemed her move was to do nothing. She just wanted to forget I even existed and hoped I would become invisible. So I let her. But I kept my peers close- the people who could not escape me. I was there for my classmates, whether it were a group project, teamwork, or my partner in biology class, I was helpful and reminded them I was there for them. _

_I had my fashion, too. By November, as I turned from 14 to 15, I brought my fashion sense to the forefront again. I had dumbed everything down initially, including my clothes, but now, I wore my stronger pieces, the ones no one else had. A few of the girls found the strength to approach me after that, and the Queen pretended she never saw. She was comfortable on her throne- for now. _

_Serena had quietly stayed my friend. I didn't want or need her to stand up for me. She was my in. Through her I knew what was going on inside their circle, and… she was my best friend. It was good to know I was never alone. And with Serena's help- or more accurately, her mother's, I still had a way in to helping with Cotillion. Elise would have never allowed it, but she had no power against the chairwoman. _

_So with Tiffany diamonds in my hair, Serena and I worked our second Cotillion together. We watched the upperclassmen in their pretty dresses and wondered at the day it would be our turn. Chuck was there this time, having snagged a slot as an escort. I shot him a look asking 'Really?' and he just winked at me in reply. After the presentations, I stood in the doorway watching as they all danced, song after song. Chuck looked beautiful- his date had him wearing tails, and they flared out as they danced. Cotillion was magical, even if you were just watching. I observed Chuck's date taking a break for the powder room, thinking nothing of it until I saw him heading straight for me. We hadn't really talked in ages, and in a panic, I turned and rushed into the elegant marble hallway, away from crowd of our peers and their families. I had nearly made it to the staircase when his gloved hand captured my wrist…_

"Blair."

He watched as she froze on the spot. The next song began playing just as he pulled her to face him, "Don't you want to…"

But Chuck never finished asking, because it was magnetic. His hand on her waist, their other fingers intertwined. There was a timid bashfulness between them at first, but they had always been friends first and foremost, and soon the shyness melted away. Their steps became larger, spinning wider, Blair's dark blue dress fanning out, mirroring his tails. They both smiled, trying a few other steps as the music swelled and encouraged them onwards. Blair laughed, a sweet genuine laugh, as he spun her out and around.

Serena was returning from gathering her and Blair's coats from the coat room when she saw them. In Serena's sweetness she felt no envy or malice, she only smiled and shared in her friend's joy. Slipping her phone out, she captured a few photos of them- she couldn't remember seeing either of them smile like that before.

The music sped up as the ending neared, and Chuck and Blair spun faster, growing dizzy as they whirled around in each other's arms. When the music stopped, they were laughing, holding on to one another as they waited for their heads to stop spinning.

Blair was still smiling when she noticed how Chuck was looking at her. Gazing up at him, staring into his dark, beautiful eyes, she felt her heart slamming against her rib cage.

Her eyes caught movement, and she saw Serena standing a ways off. Her expression was true to her name… sweet and serene. Blair recognized the look from the way her friend would gaze at the TV or movie screen during a happy ending. It shook Blair hard from this strange and beautiful moment. She was aware of Chuck leaning closer to her and she… she couldn't. Like she had once before, Blair stood on tiptoe and gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek. With a smile to hide her fear, she stepped away from him, "Thanks for the practice, Bass."

She turned and walked towards Serena, pretending she had not seen the pain flicker across his face at her rejecting him, once again.

Serena saw the stoic look on her best friend's face as she approached. Blair reached for her hand in seeming friendship, but Serena felt the tremble in her arm.

"What are you doing?" Serena whispered as they began walking down the hallway, away from Chuck.

"We were just… dancing, that's all." Blair's voice belied her steady step.

"And my Grandma Cece is a cougar," Serena hissed, "He was going to kiss you, and you wanted him to!"

"Serena Celia van der Woodsen, no such thing was about to happen!" Behind her scolding, Blair felt her stomach pitch and roll at the bald faced truth Serena had in fact spoken.

"Fine- _liar_," Serena showed Blair her phone, shoving one of the photos she had taken in Blair's face, "How do you defend _that_?"

"Were you _spying_ on us?" Blair was horrified to see how… how… yes, they were happy, they were having fun, but there was so much more in that photo, too. Looking at it closer, she felt her stomach flip- she had not noticed he was wearing her cufflinks before. _Oh God._

"No! You two just looked," Serena's face went all soft and wistful again, "So wonderful together."

Blair lost it. She bolted into the bathroom just as her stomach pitched and rolled again, her dinner not agreeing with her in the least. She didn't want to- she didn't mean to. She saw Chuck's face: _Don't you dare._ That only made it worse as she fell to her knees.

Serena called in the bathroom after her, "Blair! Are you alright?"

She heard the sound of her best friend retching and closed the door to give Blair a moment.

Like that day in sixth grade, Serena turned, and there was Chuck again, all intensity as he stood before her.

"Is she okay? What is she doing?" His tone was hard, edged with worry.

"What do you mean what is she doing?" They could both hear Blair through the door, wasn't it obvious?

Chuck read the confusion in Serena's face at his concern, and he realized Serena had never known what Blair had once done to herself. "What just happened?"

"I… upset her." Serena dropped her blonde head and scuffed her shoe against the marble floor.

"With what?" What had done this to Blair?

Serena held her phone out to him, and taking it, he opened the device to see the most beautiful picture of Blair… in his arms. Greedily, he sent the little batch of photos to his own phone, but the realization smacked him in the face that this image of them together had literally made Blair ill. His already injured heart hurt even more, but he hid it- like he always hid it away. Handing the phone back, he gave Serena a hard look, "Take care of her."

Serena watched him turn and walk back down the hallway, shaking her head before she turned and entered the bathroom to check on Blair. She remembered once more- they were both such chickens.

* * *

Title: French 'The Queen'


	6. Caedes Reginae

Caedes Reginae

_Cotillion had been good- aside from how it had ended. Winter break, however, was dull and lonely. Lily decided to drag Serena away to someplace warm, I didn't want to go to Paris and pretend at being any sort of family, and Chuck… he had disappeared after cotillion. I was _so _lonely, but as I would walk through the city, shopping, drinking coffee, and watching people, I thought how this is what it meant to be a Queen. As a queen, I would have minions, yes, so I would never be _alone_, but I would be lonely. To be a great Queen, I couldn't have a true best friend, I wouldn't be able to do stupid things or do something without considering its possible repercussions. It was during an afternoon wandering through Barney's that all my sacrifice and work would suddenly pay off. _

Blair was looking at a sexy lingerie ensemble, the whole concept of _what_ lingerie could do to a man pretty much lost on her, when she heard them. Queen Elise and her boyfriend, Patrick, were here and the conversation did not sound pleasant. Blair found a place to hide, while pulling out her phone and hitting the record button.

"… I wanted to give you something special for Christmas. It was suppose to make you happy- with me!" Elise snapped.

"Elise," Patrick was exasperated, "You do make me happy, just…"

"Not as happy as Chloe," Elise nearly gagged saying the minion's name, "I can't believe what I did for you- the third person is always suppose to be a _stranger_."

"I know," Patrick looked sheepish, staring at the floor rather than his girlfriend, "I never meant for anything else to happen…"

Elise leaned her head back and closed her eyes, taking a moment to gather herself before speaking, "Go. I think we both need some time to ourselves to think things over."

"Elise…" Patrick sounded pathetic.

Her head dropped level with his again, her eyes staring hard, cold, the Queen in her radiating outward, "Go."

Blair left her camera phone running as Patrick shuffled away and Elise covered her eyes with one hand, rubbing them with her fingers to fight the tears that one imagined wanted to break free. After several quiet moments, Elise pulled herself together and walked away.

The grin on Blair's face was pure delight as she stopped the recording and slipped her phone back in her purse.

* * *

_Like any good Queen, I waited_. _I waited for New Year's to pass, until it was a few days before classes began. It gave Elise and Patrick time to chose- and he of course chose Elise, and she chose to keep him. It was enough time for Elise to feel safe again and for many of her minions to return from holiday. They were having a late lunch at Fred's. Perfect, I could do some celebratory shopping at Barney's afterwards. _

Wearing the new Dior ensemble Eleanor had sent from Paris, Blair walked to their table and stood before them. All the girls turned when they caught the direction of Elise's cold stare. No one said a word. One girl even dropped her fork, the metal clattering loudly against the delicate plate.

"I need to talk to the Queen," Blair paused to tease everyone a moment, "alone."

"Alone?" A minor minion repeated. No one could really believe the situation that was unfolding.

Blair suddenly began toying with the phone in her hands, turning it over, a small, slightly wicked smile on her face, "I have something the Queen would like to see. Unless she would like everyone to see it?"

Elise's eyes narrowed at Blair, and in return, Blair's lips only curled more at the Queen's fear and curiosity.

"Out."

Perfectly coiffed heads snapped back to look at their Queen, unable to believe she was willing to sit and talk with Blair Waldorf alone. Blair wasn't to even exist to them. After a beat, the girls began departing, all of them in a mild state of shock. They gathered together at a distance to watch what would unfold.

Blair primly took a seat across from the Queen. She push whomever's food was in front of her away, messing with the place setting before her, taking her time, letting Elise begin to lose her patience.

"What do you want?" The Queen snapped at last.

"What do I want? At the beginning of the school year, all I had wanted was to be a project. But you wouldn't let me, would you?"

Elise sneered, "I'm Queen, it's my choice."

"But it was the wrong one, Elise. Now, that's not good enough. I'm taking your crown." Blair's voice was dead serious.

A laugh broke from Elise's mouth, "Ha! You have got to be kidding me. I would never step down to someone as small as you. You're a freshmen- underclassmen are _never_ Queen. And like you said, you're not even a project."

Blair turned her phone over in her hand, "Oh… but it's not impossible. In fact, it's quite possible, in such… _strange_ situations. Is he worth it, Elise?"

"Is he…" Color drained from the Queen's face and she whispered, "Patrick."

"Don't you wonder if he really picked you? Or… was he just too afraid. You're the Queen… I mean, you _were_ the Queen."

Elise stared hard, "He loves me."

"Well, you'll find out soon enough if he _really_ does." A cruel smile curled on Blair's lips.

"You can't be Queen- just because you _know_, doesn't mean you have proof. No one will believe you without proof!" Elise rallied in defense, forgetting about Blair's phone.

However Blair did not falter but simply pressed play and held her phone up to Elise's face. After the recording ended, Elise's eyes rose to meet Blair's once again.

"Shall I leave them to you?"

Blair did not reply immediately, instead taking the time to tuck the phone back into her bag first, "Oh, no. We'll do this on Monday. Everyone will see this happen, or else… they can see what's on my phone."

Standing, Blair pushed the chair back and walked out of Fred's with her head held high.

* * *

Chuck was so hungover Monday morning. But Bart was in town, so he somehow found a way to get himself out the door and into the limo. He grumbled at Arthur as he crawled into the car, "Blair's."

He hadn't seen her since cotillion, and he just needed to make sure she was okay. Even if that meant stalking her from his limo by waiting for her to leave for school. He drank some water and pressed the cool container against his head, trying to quell the throbbing as he gazed out the tinted window. After several minutes of waiting, ah- there she was. Chuck smiled; she looked good. But he furrowed his brow, confused when she didn't turn to walk towards school. Instead… she crossed Fifth and walked towards the Met. The Met… the Queen met on the steps of the Met, why was Blair going there? Throwing the car door open, Chuck staggered on to the street to follow her. What was she doing?

Maybe it was his hangover, maybe he was still coming down from something, but the entire scene felt surreal. He watched Blair approach the girls at the steps, Elise at the top, holding Patrick's hand. Serena was there, too, and he could see the shock on Serena's face at Blair's approach. There was a breath, a moment, before Elise leaned over and kissed Patrick on the mouth. Then she stood, pulling him up with her. Turning, they walked down the steps- not down the center, like the Queen did, but behind the other girls. And in the center… Blair rose. Glossy black patent leather heels meeting cold stone, one step at a time, Blair climbed higher, to sit above them all. With a soft but power smile, she looked down on them, "So, I was thinking…"

Further down the sidewalk stood one Charles Bass, with the strangest look on his face. No fear, or horror, no curiosity, not love, or adoration, it was too calm for that, but… pride… and awe. On this cold day in early January, Chuck had witnessed the birth of Queen B and he had never been more proud in his entire life.

* * *

_Over the next few months, my queenship grew in strength. Youngest queen ever was going to be difficult- in school, and against the other schools. But I kept my school in line, and stood well against the other Queen's, even getting one up on the Queen at Dalton that winter. I still kept Serena close and Chuck… I saw him smile to me that day. Who can say if I would have thought of such a thing on my own? Youngest Queen… but it was his thought first, and now I had done it. I was tentative with him, careful of our alliance; it was known we were not strangers, but our connection still lay hidden from the sight of most. Serena was really the only one to know, and his friend Nate was aware of us- possibly. Sweet guy, but constantly baked. In celebration- and as an escape, Serena dragged us all to St. Tropez for spring break. What a breath of fresh air that was… if not, a bit dangerous._

The energy of spring break was infectious. The warm sun, the smell of the ocean, sand squishing under foot. Serena and Blair shopped and partied, Nate and Chuck never far away. For the girls, it was magical to be away from the city, from everyone they knew, everyone who watched, constantly. Serena and Blair felt like little girls again, even teasing and playing with the Nate and Chuck.

On their last day there, they played in the surf, running and laughing together. As the sun began to decline, a great bonfire was built on the beach. Everyone gathered around to talk, play, dance- just enjoy themselves. Blair watched Serena and Nate flirt. Serena was always flirting, honestly, but she and Nate were having fun. Blair's loneliness crept up, insecurity washing over her as she watched Nate touch Serena's golden skin. She pulled him out of the crowd, so they could dance, their bodies moving together, Serena's ample bosom magically contained somehow by her bikini top as she bounced. Blair inwardly groaned at herself and turned away from the group to walk quietly along the shore.

The sun was quickly kissing the horizon now, and Blair stood, lost in her thoughts. Solitary Queen standing alone… strong, and alone. And… young, and beautiful. Why did no one want to touch her, desire her, the way Nate clearly did for Serena? Hell, not just Nate, every man who saw Serena. What was wrong with Blair that no one seemed to want her like that? She recalled, blushing, the other night when she had caught a glimpse of Nate with his hands under Serena's bikini top. It made her nipples grow hard- the cool wind not helping, and her chest ached to be touched. It all served to make her grumpy and wishing she had brought a cardigan.

She couldn't have heard him over the crashing waves, and curling her toes into the wet sand, she knew he was there simply because she knew he was always there. "Have you finished sampling all the local offerings a day early?"

"You're not the only one who likes quiet time, Waldorf."

Blair felt suddenly even more cool at the sound of his voice, her skin puckering into little goosebumps. She rubbed her arms to try and make it go away, "It's not exactly quiet if you are talking, is it?"

"Yes, your highness." Chuck smarmed.

Suddenly, the warmth of his shirt was being draped over her shoulders, and oh, she could smell him, too. Sea and salt, the sun, scotch, and… man. They stood there watching the sun finish sinking into the ocean. He was standing behind her and the temptation to relax and lean against him was difficult to fight, his shirt, his scent, wrapped around her, so safe and comforting.

"What are you thinking about?" He murmured.

"Serena."

"Serena?"

"How everyone wants her."

"Ah. And you…"

"Am I so undesirable? I know… I'm Queen, and that means certain things to me, but… to not even be wanted," Her voice caught.

Chuck wrapped his arms around her and pulled her back flush against his chest, "You're wanted Blair, it's just hard to see through your power. But you are."

"But I saw…" she thought on Nate touching Serena last night, "Nate… and Serena. I guess some boys have flirted with me, but that… he was so… _hungry_ as his hands…"

Chuck's voice rumbled in his chest, "Hmm, you saw that, too?" he paused as he recollected how a very drunk Serena and a very high Nate had half gotten it on in a booth at the club last night. Nate had practically taken off Serena's bikini top when he went to fondle her breasts. It was kind of sad, in Chuck's expert opinion, and terribly uncouth. But many guys fell for Serena like that, Nate was hardly the first to be lured in by her wiles. Blair didn't have… wiles. He asked "Have you ever tried…?"

"Yes." Blair hissed.

Oh. That's right… the first day of high school, when she had lost it. "That… hardly… counts."

"Maybe to _you_. But even the great Lothario of Manhattan, Chuck Bass, rejected me."

"Blair," he sighed, "I didn't reject you. You were angry and hurt and… you asked me _not_ to."

"But it hurt," it was a hushed tone, "I thought maybe… you might just, touch me. Just once?"

Chuck hadn't done any drugs tonight but he thought he must be hallucinating. "Are you sure?"

"Just a little… like Nate and Serena? I just need to feel…"

He felt Blair tremble in his arms. He understood. He really did- she was a Queen, but she needed to feel like a woman. Like the beautiful woman she was. She was always so careful with him… and now.

Chuck loosened his arms around her, his hands skimming over the flat of her stomach as he tilted his mouth down to whisper in her ear, "Not just like Nate and Serena. I'm not Nate. And you are not Serena."

Blair ached for him to touch her more, his hands hot on her skin. But she was scared, vulnerable- so insecure. No, she was not stunning and incredible like Serena, her voice wounded as she answered him, "I know I'm not."

"You envy her appeal, but she's flighty… obtainable for a few shining moments. But you, Blair," his fingers had climbed higher, tracing along the bottom of her bikini top, "Are strong and solid. You don't float away on the wind- your beauty is majestic, timeless, and men cower before you."

"Chuck…" Blair felt her knees go weak, her mind felt fuzzy- all her attention at his fingertips.

At last, his hands slipped under the fabric to cup the fullness of her breasts. He felt her response in her labored breathing, the heaving of her chest, as he gently massaged them in his hands. Moving his fingers over her skin, he circled her nipples, smiling when she gasped as he gently tugged them. She leaned back against him more, thrusting her chest into his hands.

Blair moaned, "I didn't know it could feel so good."

Grasping both breasts firmly, he pushed them up, squeezing them, simultaneously pulling her back roughly against his body.

"Oh Waldorf," he purred, "It gets so much better than this."

She felt the heat pool between her legs and the tightness low in her stomach… better than this? Her awareness pulled away from focusing on his hands and she realized she could feel… _him_, pressing against her. Panic washed cold through her. She wasn't ready for more than this… really, she shouldn't even be doing this! And… with Chuck…

He felt her demeanor change as he fondled her, her back straightening, her stance growing stronger. Slowly… kindly, she pulled his hands from their ministrations, stepping away, and finally turning her face to him. Instead of letting her feel sheepish, Chuck was quick to lean over and kiss the top of her head.

"Thanks for the fun," his usual smirk was back in place when her eyes lifted to meet his.

Blair shrugged off his shirt and handed it back to him, "Thank you for… reminding me."

Chuck pulled his shirt back on, grinning at her, "It was a pleasure. Anytime…"

Her awkwardness fell away at that, and she rolled her eyes, groaning, "Chuck."

"No, no," he bantered, "I like it a little deeper, breathier, and you have to cry the 'u' longer."

She glared at him, "Ew."

Still, Chuck just grinned, and politely offered his arm as they turned back towards the bonfire, "Can't have the Queen fall."

Blair smiled, and with a small laugh at herself, she took off, running across the wet sand, remembering that for this moment, she wasn't just a queen. She was fifteen. Glancing over her shoulder, she laughed more as Chuck came after her.

_It was one of those moments you hold in your heart and in your mind, like a scene kept in a snow globe. Not what he… physically did to me, but how he had been able to make me feel. I felt _good _playing on the beach with him. It's how we went back after that, back to school, the city, all of our hypothetical friends and very important lives. The spring was calm. I think everyone just wanted to get to the summer break that year- to the Hamptons, to traveling. So no one really misbehaved more than usual. Cold mornings melted into rainy afternoons and eventually the sun arrived in New York. Just in time to greet us after our finals. This summer there was no Paris, or Morocco, for Serena and I. Just the Hamptons house. But we didn't mind- friends, the beaches, and our favorite restaurants. It was going to be a good summer._

* * *

AN: Title, Latin 'Killing the Queen' or 'Queen Killing'. Proofed by the lovely fellow author Sabrina Fairchild here on FFnet!


	7. W Imię Ojca

W Imię Ojca

_The Hamptons. What a gloriously relaxing summer. It felt good to gather my strength and play some more. I watched Serena flirt with every boy on the island and just smiled, remembering that the boys who were strong enough to flirt with me a little did so because I was desired. It was enough. Chuck did his… thing, and we were polite- it might not be the city, but everyone was still here. No playing in the surf, but sometimes we would share a drink in the clubs. I remember there was one night, maybe he had more to drink than usual, maybe he forgot it was me, but he rested his hand on my thigh for a little while, his fingers stroking idle patterns against my skin. _

_In spite of Chuck's appetites, every so often it seemed he liked to remind me that in his opinion, I was as much in play for him as any other girl. Perhaps it is my own fault, especially after St. Tropez, but he was happy to show me that he saw me as a _woman_, not just the Queen, or someone he had known for a very long time. It was never anything overt- not like when he flirted with other girls, but there was a look he would give me when he saw me sometimes. It was electric and I could see in his eyes that he liked what I was wearing that day. There was one time he pinched my ass in front of Nate and Serena, but I think that was really just to make Nate laugh- which it did. _

_Eventually, the pages on the calendar turned, and summer began to draw to a close. I left a beach party early one night, happy to have the house to myself. I wanted quiet as I snuck a bottle of wine and turned on the hot tub. _

It was dark, the patio lights were off, only distant light from inside the house and out in garden softly illuminated the space as Blair slipped into the hot tub. Alone, she sipped through part of the bottle of wine, the only noise came from the humming of the jets as her body relaxed. At first, she thought about school and her queenship, how important her role in cotillion would be- her last as a helper. But then… that made her think about boys. She would start dating this year- taking a different boy to different events. It was the only solution she had, and honestly, she felt it made her stronger. It would hold everyone's attention and for the many who did not know her determination, there was the hope, the chance, that she might chose to date one of them long term. But that thought just made her tired, and drinking some more wine, she thought about St. Tropez.

The water was warm, she was alone, and so… relaxed. She could risk some fun, right? With a mischievous grin, Blair tugged at the ties of her bikini top, setting the scrap of fabric next to the wine bottle and sinking lower into the water. It wasn't nude sunbathing, or swimming naked, but for Blair Waldorf? This was down right wild. She grinned as the water bubbled up towards her chin, her hands rising up to her naked breasts. They felt soft in the water, and she recalled how Chuck's hands had felt holding them. That made her cheeks flush even more in the hot water, making her wiggle her hips at how good she had felt in his arms. She sighed, tilting her head back to rest against the tub, and giving in, letting one hand slip lower on her body. Blair had barely touched herself for a few moments when…

"Why, Waldorf. I hope I'm not disturbing anything."

The Basshole cometh.

But Blair acted completely unflustered as she slipped lower into the water, hoping to hide that she had no neckline from a bikini top, "Shouldn't you be deflowering some kindergardener?"

"Maybe later… but I thought someone should check on the Queen."

"Thank you." it was sarcastic, "As you can see, I'm fine."

Chuck pulled his polo shirt over his head, "I'm not convinced."

Blair's eyes went wide, "What are you doing?"

He grinned, watching her closely as she heard the sound of his belt and… he pulled down his pants. Chuck climbed into the hot tub in nothing but a sexy pair of cropped briefs- the kind in all the Calvin Klein ads.

Oh dear God, really?

"Bass," she hissed.

"I got tired of the insipid conversation at the party, and honestly, there was nothing there that uh…"

"Ew, okay, I got that image, thank you. So you're here to crash _my_ party?" Blair huffed.

"Is a party of one really a party?" He quirked an eyebrow in question, "Or am I suppose to be including the wine bottle in your headcount?"

Blair moved to reach for the bottle and then… realized, not the best idea, "I just wanted some… time away from the crowds."

She wasn't going to say quiet time- not after the last time they had 'quiet time' together.

"Well, you shouldn't drink alone in a hot tub, it's dangerous." He lectured.

"I can drown myself right here with you watching, too, you know." She glared at his strange protective streak.

"Desiring some mouth to mouth, are you?" Chuck was grinning again.

Blair wanted to run, but she was trapped in her half naked state. What was he up to? She snapped at him, "No. I just wanted to be _alone_ is _all_, Chuck."

"Grumpy Queen B tonight, did I disrupt something?"

Blair just glared at him- so he hadn't noticed? Thank God. But now he moved to snag the wine bottle for a drink, pausing a moment as he picked it up. "Perhaps… I did interrupt… something?"

"What are you…?" Blair turned her head to look and… there was her bikini top.

Chuck sat back again, across from her, just smiling that damned smiled of his, "You can continue if you like? Or… if you need some assistance?"

"In your dreams, Bass!" Blair glowered.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" He winked at her, effectively wiping the look off of Blair's face, "So… what _were_ you thinking about?"

"School," she quickly replied, "And… all the boys I'll have to date next year."

"Hm." Chuck wasn't smiling anymore, "And that got you all hot and bothered?"

"I wasn't all hot and bothered. And right now, I'm just _bothered_." Why was he so good at pushing her buttons?

"Really?" Chuck scooted closer to her, "Then why are you half naked in the hot tub?"

"Why are you half naked in the hot tub?" She turned it back on him.

"Well, I wasn't going to get in wearing my clothes, Waldorf. And I really do love my new shorts from Hugo Boss." He smiled at her, moving closer still, "That's my answer. And yours would be?"

Blair just glared at him.

"I could… hazard a guess? It might involve a beach in St. Tropez?"

"Ugh, you're awful!" Blair splashed a wave of water at him out of disgust.

He laughed, happy to let the water hit him, for there was a tiny moment where the water exposed part of her naked breasts. That was certainly worth some water in his face. Bantering with her had already aroused him a little, but now he was completely hard, seeing her like that, and knowing she had been thinking about that night.

Chuck rubbed the water from his face, "I'll take that as a 'yes'?"

Blair fumed and cried out, "Chuck!"

With one swift movement his arms had her trapped against the hot tub, his hands grasping the ledge above her shoulders. His head next to hers, his mouth against her ear, he paused there a delicious moment to let her grow nervous before he whispered, "Almost right that time," and pulled away.

She couldn't breath at his closeness, their half naked bodies almost touching- almost, and when did this water get so hot? She would have pushed him if he hadn't moved so fast! She wanted to shout at him again, but after what he said, honestly. So she just stared, until…

Chuck pulled himself out of the water. His black underwear was of course soaking wet, but it also left no question as to _his _feelings at the moment. Blair's mouth fell open a little bit, he was… and… and… her mind stuttered as she watched him climb down from the hot tub, dripping wet and absolutely beautiful.

She had done that to him. Blair had done… that. If she had ever turned a man on before, she certainly didn't know it- and St. Tropez didn't count. But now she had- she had done _that_, and Chuck was… well, there was no questioning that he was very much a man.

He took a towel from the pile and Blair thought firstly, she had drank way too much wine, and secondly, that this must be what watching porn was like. For those few moments, Chuck vainly dried himself, shaking his head, leaving his hair damp and tousled, before he wrapped the towel around his waist. He didn't look at her, but went to pick up his clothes. Moving to leave, he walked the long way around, passing behind her on his way out. He paused briefly to whisper in her ear, "Sweet dreams, Waldorf."

_Or nightmares! I had such… vivid dreams that night. It was awful, and I was completely grumpy the next day. When we all went out later and Nate asked Serena why I was grumpy, Chuck just laughed. It took _days_ for the image to fade, and I don't think I'll _ever_ forget it! I'm ruined for life! His last name may be Bass, but there must be some horse in his family tree somewhere. _

_But moving on! I can't think on that anymore… returning to the city helped normality return. My stress levels grew everyday as school approached. Thoughts of Chuck fell away and it was all about being Queen. But somewhere during that first month or two of this school year, something changed about him…_

* * *

Chuck looked at himself in the mirror. He tugged on his favorite bow tie- Blair's bow tie and frowned a little as he fixed his hair. He thought he might have another year to himself before his father started this. There had been some 'social' dinners when he was younger where Chuck was brought out on display, reminding everyone Bart was still a 'family man'. Now Chuck was going to have to sit at the table for the whole dinner; he was old enough now, Bart had declared. It was time to start getting serious about his future.

During the meal, Chuck held his own well enough. Conversation was good, and the adults were kind to him; curious to encounter Bart Bass's son. But as Chuck looked at the couples situated around the table, something surfaced and grated at him in his observations. Couples. Everyone was married- except Bart. Chuck had spent these past years trying to emulate his father, because his father is Bart Bass. But now… Chuck profiled every person at the table in his head and saw what powerful pairings they made. They were strong and accomplished individually, but as a couple... In that light, under that analysis, his father looked… pathetic.

That night in bed, alone, Chuck stared at the ceiling, his mind ticking. His realizations from dinner startled him. The thought that his father could do something _wrong_, that his father was somehow _weak_. Bart Bass had done great and amazing things as a businessman- but could they have been greater? What would his father had been like should Chuck's mother never had died? In his mind's eye, he considered the advantages and disadvantages of his own life and where he could really go. He would run Bass Industries some day, a golden token in his pocket he could play with until then. But never having a mother, never knowing the strength of that sort of… relationship, that sort of… bond.

_Blair_.

He smiled as an image of her glaring at him surfaced in his mind. He saw them in second grade, quickly flipping through memories of them from the past… eight? Eight years. And that bond… how they schemed well together, how they knew and felt each other. They were both strong and powerful on their own, but together? His heart skipped in his chest. He couldn't begin to imagine what they might all they could accomplish as an honest pairing. They… always had fun together, when no one was watching. She would be like that with him, in private… alone, in his bed. Now he thought of her mouth and her breasts and that just made him astoundingly hard.

_And all the boys I'll have to date_.

Chuck groaned, smashing his face into his pillow in absolute frustration. Why did she have to be so difficult? She needed to date just _one_ boy, and it needed to be _him_! Sleep began to weigh on him as his mind continued to turn. What could he do? How could he convince her?

* * *

The next week he and Nate ended up at the same club as Serena and Blair. Chuck was enjoying his scotch as he watched everyone else dance. Taking a break, Serena flopped down in the booth next to him, "Ah, I love Friday nights!"

"Did Nate share some of his weed with you?" Chuck smiled.

"No! Why?" Serena tittered.

"I just don't know how you're so bubbly all the time."

"Because I love my life! We have it so great!" Serena smiled, "I wish Blair could see that; she's always so wound up."

_Not always_, Chuck thought, grinning to himself as he remembered finding her in the hot tub, "Waldorf is who she is, you can't change her. Or at least, she'll change you before you get anywhere with her." He chuckled.

"I worry about her though, I want to see her _really_ happy." Serena tilted her head as she gazed at her best friend out on the dance floor.

"You don't think she is happy as Queen?" Chuck looked curiously at Serena.

"I don't know… there is something missing. I don't know about this dating idea of hers. Maybe if she were _really_ going to try and date. But it's just a way to not attend social events by herself. It's not really the… best use of her power." The blonde rambled on.

"What would you like to see her do instead?" Chuck inquired, asking coolly while staring at the tumbler of scotch, turning it in his hand.

Serena's eyes slid to him, "Wouldn't you like to know?" she moved to go back to the dance floor, "But I will tell you this. The fact that you aren't in Blair's dating rotation this year isn't because no one suggested it."

He gazed back up to watch Serena merge back into the crowd of dancers. So he had been omitted? Chuck had rather expected, yet feared, that would be the case. While Blair couldn't deny their connection, she was scared of all that it could hold for them. She didn't even want to risk giving them a chance. That made his heart ache a little and he downed the rest of his scotch.

How could he do it? He had to force his way in, she had to give him a chance. He had to find an opportunity she could not resist, something of which she could not turn down. But what? And… if it could be something that had her spending more time with him, that would be even more in his favor. His mind worked as he watched the mass of people on the floor dancing, still working as he climbed into bed that night, continuing on into the next morning.

Sliding into his seat at the massive dinner table for breakfast, his mind finally clicked. One of the women from dinner. She was the chairwoman of… oh, yes. It was perfect. A smile broke across Chuck's face; Blair could not deny this, and in turn, could not deny him.

* * *

AN: Title, Polish 'In the Name of the Father'. Love and hugs to VeraDeDiamant (FFnet/Tumblr) for the lovely Polish translation of the title!


	8. فراوانى روياها

فراوانىروياها

That afternoon, Chuck called Diane Courtland, and on Sunday they had lunch. Chuck wore his best suit and nothing too fashion forward. He did slip on his cufflinks from Blair, for good luck.

They sat for a little while, making small talk. He asked about her work and how she met her husband, she inquired about his schooling.

Chuck pulled on his cuffs when he got to his first real question, "I hope I can ask you something a bit more personal. It's… not something I am inclined to do, normally, but with my father's situation, I wanted someone to ask."

Mrs. Courtland tilted her head, curious that Bart Bass's son needed to ask her something so specific, "Please, if I can help, I will."

"How do you feel in your marriage- in your partnership? Do you ever feel it is better to be alone, like my father is?" _Like Blair is._

"Hmm," Mrs. Courtland sipped her drink as she took a moment to turn over Chuck's question in her mind. "I am happy in my marriage, Chuck. And you have the right thinking in that it is a partnership. I share a special bond with my husband, and we both respect and honor that. It's something you have to work at- care, and maintenance. As to being alone, like your father has chosen. The thing with life is that the only thing you can know is that you have _your_ life to live. What is right for me, what feels good to me, what is good for me, isn't the same as for your father, or for you, or anyone but me. There are people who prefer to stand alone, others will wed but never want children, and some people will have very large families. So you have to think, and try a lot of different things, to find what is right for you. You can't be afraid, and sometimes you might have to fight a little for it, but you only have one life. Go and live it."

Chuck gave her a small smile. She was wise and kind, and her words were genuine. "Thank you, Mrs. Courtland."

She returned his smile, and remembering that by his 'father's situation' Chuck meant he had no mother to talk to, she felt compelled to offer, "Are there any other such questions you might have for me? Any female insights you require?"

At this, Chuck smirked, turning his head away as he thought about Blair for a moment.

Diane's smile broadened, enjoying a brief bashful moment from a Bass.

"No, thank you. At least, not an insight. I do have another question- actually, a small favor?"

"A favor? For a Bass? I am all ears."

* * *

_Sweet sixteen was soon upon me. Dorota turned the penthouse upside down, transforming it into paradise a la Blair Waldorf. Luxurious, elegant, refined, every beautiful thing a girl could want. I was sorely tempted to finally wear a Marchesa gown, but… this wasn't good enough in my mind. Marchesa deserved something bigger- grander! So I settled on a pretty piece mother had made for me by Oscar. I wore my hair up, with Chuck's headband. The party was amazing, all the girls envied me, and I just smiled. Serena made me laugh, and while Chuck was polite and quiet, he watched me from the shadows, his gaze would make my heart thump in my chest and I could feel my cheeks grow warm. There were no scenes at my party, no drama, fights, fits, or outbursts. Serena was staying the night and when Chuck was one of the last to leave, my blonde best friend had suddenly disappeared. But it was unnecessary; he was sweet, smiling softly at me. He murmured, "Happy birthday, Waldorf." And kissed me on the cheek… I never really thought about it, but he had never kissed me before. Watching me turn pink underneath my makeup, he smirked at me before he turned and left. _

_I was happy Serena stayed, it kept me from thinking about Chuck too much. We stayed up late opening my gifts. I didn't panic- not outwardly, and Serena didn't say anything, but there was no gift from Chuck in the large pile. I feigned helping Dorota clean up the mess in a lame attempt to make sure we had not missed anything. No… there was nothing from him. I was… confused. For a single heartbeat I wanted to pout, but then I realized no… the mother Chucker was up to something. After that I slept quite soundly… well, if you don't count Serena's snoring? _

_The next morning was _actually_ my birthday, however I wasn't going to party on a Sunday night. Dorota didn't let me sleep in much though. Annoyed, she prodded me up and out of bed- though she left Serena behind. She fed me, shoved me in the bathroom to shower, before doing my hair. I put on a pretty pink and white dress, and once again- because now it really was my birthday, I fixed Chuck's headband in my hair. But then, like a mother hen, Dorota shoved my clutch and coat in my hands and put me in the elevator. I didn't know _what_ her deal was; clearly she needed a vacation. _

_However when I stepped out onto the street, there was Chuck, waiting for me in grey, and white, and a little bit of pink. I love him in grey… how did he know that? _

"Shall we walk?" Chuck offered his arm.

Blair glanced down the street. New York was never _empty, _but for a Sunday morning in November, it was fairly sparse. She took his arm and they crossed the street, then strolled into the park.

"So, I opened my gifts last night." Blair baited.

"You did? Anything completely awful? We all know Penelope has no taste." Chuck played, like he couldn't see through her ploy.

"Yes, everyone knows that. Really, the most striking thing was… there was something missing." Blair looked up at him expectantly.

"Missing? If you don't know what you are getting for your birthday, how do you know something is _missing_?"

"Chuck!" Blair finally cracked.

"You know how dangerous it is to cry out my name like that, Waldorf."

Now she glared at him.

"Fine… what was missing, Blair?" Chuck returned to playing along.

"Your present, Basstard!" She was thoroughly cross with him now- teasing and then flirting with her, that just wasn't fair.

He tutted at her, "Name calling? Maybe I shouldn't give you a gift at all now…"

Well, that was enough for Blair, she was done playing. Dorota woke her up, for this? She pulled her arm free and turned on her heel, promptly beginning the journey back home.

"Blair!" Chuck sighed a moment and went after her, grabbing her arm to stop her.

She jerked her head, looking back at him, "I like it deeper, more desperate sounding."

Chuck smirked. Well played. "Don't you want your present?"

Blair turned back to him fully now, "So there is something?"

"You have so little faith in me? After all these years?"

For some reason whenever he reminded her of all the years they had passed together, it made her heart pound in her chest. "For how you like to tease me so, I'm never certain with you."

"I keep the Queen guessing? Such high praise."

Blair glared at him a moment, before finally pouting just a little, "Chuck…"

"Well now you've done it. It's a miracle that didn't ruin my trousers."

"Ugh! That's it! I'm going home!"

"No you don't." Chuck held on to her arm as he pulled a large beautiful envelope out of his jacket. Blair instantly became curious and stopped fighting him.

He let go of her arm, not immediately offering the envelope to her, "Now, there is one small problem with my gift."

After all this teasing, Blair glowered at him a moment, not sure she could like what he had to say next.

"You're going to have to work at it a bit. I… thought it was something you would really like, something special enough… for you. But there are some potential drawbacks, and for that… I hope you will not be too disappointed."

His words touched Blair, her face softening. He finally held out the heavy envelope to her, her name elegantly written across the front. Clearly not _his_ handwriting.

Chuck watched quietly, happy to soak in these precious moments, waiting to see her face and her reaction.

Blair pulled out a heavy cream card, her eyes quickly scanning the text, written in the same elegant hand. It was an invitation. No. Not just any invitation. She had been requested to be presented as a debutant and perform in the ballroom dance at this winter's Viennese Opera Ball. Chuck's name was included as her escort but… he was technically too young- and they were both too young to be included in the ballroom dance. The Viennese Opera Ball… Blair clutched the card tight in her hands. Opera gloves, men in white tie and tailcoats, an endless evening of dancing and music; cotillion paled in comparison to this. She swallowed hard before she could look up at Chuck. Never in her life had tears of happiness threatened to burst forth before.

"How… this makes… no sense?"

He simply winked at her, "I'm Chuck Bass."

This brought a smile back to her face, but she hardly looked satisfied by his answer, so he continued, "I asked for a big favor. The drawback I mentioned, you could probably guess?"

"Dancing…"

"With me."

"Chuck that's not…"

"Are you sure? We'll want to practice well ahead of the rest of the corps and… this," he gestured to the card, "Doesn't look like a date to you?"

Blair wanted to crawl into a hole. This was… beyond a date. Beyond a dream! But… she would be seen with Chuck- and at a huge event. They would be in the paper together. And someone might find out about their rehearsals, or see them together. But… this event. And what he had done to make it possible for her. Was it worth the risk? She had chosen not to have him escort her to any events this year because of the risk. The risk that was beating in her heart, right now.

Chuck waited patiently as she thought, and when she gazed up at him, he could see her nervousness, her uncertainty. It beat in his heart, and ached, and he knew he had to _fight_ for this. Taking her hand, he pulled he from the path and into the shadows- out of the view of the public. Fixing his best smirk on his face, Chuck dropped to one knee and held his hand up to her.

"Blair Waldorf, would you do me the honor of allowing me to escort you to the Viennese Opera Ball this February?"

Her whole body felt strange and she could have sworn her heart had dropped out of her chest and onto the ground. He was absolutely beautiful and Blair could hardly think straight as she looked down at him, wondering if she could even make her mouth speak the words. But somehow… miraculously, her mouth worked, "Yes, yes! Now get up before someone sees you making such a scene!"

Chuck laughed as she took his hand and he stood, "Well then, happy birthday, truly, Waldorf."

Blair smiled and he ran his hand over the diamond headband in her hair before dropping a kiss atop her head. She took his arm once more, as he walked her home, slowly.

* * *

Returning to the penthouse alone, Blair had a little smile on her face, her step light, as she exited the elevator.

"And where have you been, in such a pretty dress with diamonds in your hair?" Serena half yelled from the dinning room.

Blair was Queen B once more when her smile dropped and she glowered at her best friend. She made a point to walk into the dining room before replying, "I… was making a date with someone."

Serena dropped her spoon into the bowel of cereal she had been shoveling into her mouth, "What!"

"Turns out I have another social event in my calendar this year and I was securing my escort."

The blonde was agog, "Seriously! Do tell!"

"This," Blair had pulled out the envelope from her clutch, "Is a _secret_, Ms. Van der Woodsen! You do not breathe a _word_. Not to anyone, not if there is the risk of someone even possibly listening."

Serena sat up straight in her chair, and put her hand over her heart, "I swear on my vintage Chanel 2.55."

Blair sat the card in front of Serena and watched her blue eyes go wide, her pretty mouth falling open. "This… and… Chuck? But how?"

"It's my birthday present, that's how. But _not a word_, Serena!"

"I swear, I swear! But you have to let me help pick out a dress!" Serena squealed, jumping up from her seat and hugging Blair.

The brunette laughed a moment, "Of course… and ew, have you even showered?"

* * *

It was a week later that Chuck and Blair stood in Prescott Studio for their first private lesson. Ms. Prescott beamed at Blair, "I always knew you would do well, my dear."

She pulled the pair to the center of the floor, "There will be a quadrille, which we can go over some of, but much of that will be mastered with the other dancers. Beyond that will you want to develop your waltz, of course, and the polka. And Blair, aside from the guidelines, please be certain your dress has all it should need if there are lifts. No trouble, or… wardrobe malfunctions."

"Yes, Ms. Prescott."

"Now, Charles, take Blair's hand, like this…"

Chuck swept Blair into his arms, instantly remembering last year at cotillion. He knew she was as well, a little smile on her face as they both remembered whirling together, smiling, and laughing in the hallway. He swore to himself that the opera ball was going to be even more amazing than that.

* * *

_With school, ruling, and dance lessons with Chuck, my last cotillion as a helper flew by in the blink of an eye. As I stood in the wings that evening, I kept a small smile to myself. My moment was coming soon- sooner than anyone else knew. Chuck was there as an escort again, and looking at him, reflecting on last year, it struck me how much he had grown. Not just physically, but there was something more… I don't know- maybe it was just the dance lessons? His presence on the dance floor really outshone the other escorts as he spun his debutant, Christine, while they danced. I think other couples were relieved when Chuck and Christine took a break._

Blair was helping one of the debutants adjust her dress and fix her hair for a portrait when Christine grabbed her arm. She was a little frazzled and she pulled Blair away the few feet to where Chuck was standing. "Blair, you have to help!"

"What is wrong, Christine?"

"I'm hopeless," she replied as she pushed Blair into Chuck, "I can't tie a bow tie at all. Chuck says you can."

Blair nearly fell into Chuck thanks to Christine's panic-induced shove, and Chuck held her steady. Gazing up at him, his eyes were warm and… he smelled good, as she took in the sight of the undone bow tie around his neck. He gave her a secret little smile and Blair instantly pulled herself upright.

"I'll fix it, Christine. Just give me a minute. Why don't you have something cool to drink?"

"Good idea!" In a whirl of fabric, the debutant was gone.

"You really are hopeless, Bass."

"Am I truly such a lost cause?" Chuck tilted his head back so she could fix his bow tie.

For a moment, Blair observed the cut of his jawline, wondering when it had become so… sculpted? And the image of running her hand along it flickered through her mind. Shaking her head, she went to work on his bow tie. "How am I to have faith in you, when you are making me do something we both know you can do?"

"It needs to be perfect, so I'm deferring to you, Waldorf."

"Or you just want attention? Isn't the fact everyone has watched you whirl Christine across the floor all night enough?" Blair made the final tug to knot the bow tie with a little more force than necessary.

"Careful, Waldorf. A little harder and I might think you were jealous?" He paused to let her scoff at him, "Anyway, tonight is just practice."

A moment. They shared a small smile.

"Thanks, Waldorf." He winked at her and returned to Christine.

Blair watched him go and caught her willowy blonde best friend watching them. With camera phone in hand. She stomped over to her.

"And what do you think you are up to?"

Serena gushed, "That was the cutest thing I've seen in a long time!"

"Please tell me you are talking about something other than Chuck and I."

"You couldn't see his face when you were tying his bow tie- or your face! Seriously, look!"

Serena shoved the screen in Blair's face. It really was a great photo. Sweet… and… her hair looked good?

Snatching the device, she sent the image to her own phone. Returning it, she said, "By the way, next year, I'm taking this from you. You're going to kill me with… all of this. I'm a great and strong queen," Blair stood a little taller, "And these photos are just… soft."

Rolling her eyes, Serena replied, "Yes, your highness."

After a small glower, Blair then smiled, "Come on, let's go make fun of Penelope."

* * *

After Christmas, Blair and Serena walked into the design studio at Marchesa. Serena was like a little girl in a candy store, curious at the pieces and designs everywhere. Blair went straight to business. This dress was her gift from Eleanor, who had worked with Georgina Chapman herself on the design. Her heart pounded as she pulled the grand dress on. Finally… her Marchesa gown. An assistant helped her pull on the long opera length gloves as she stepped out onto the dais for the first fitting.

"Blair…" Serena breathed, her eyes wide.

Blair turned towards the mirrors, smiling at her reflection. She was who she had always wanted to become in this moment. Queen. Beautiful. Powerful. Undeniable.

But she had her moment of bliss. Back to work. How is the skirt length, how does it flow? What about the sleeves? The bust needed adjustment. What would she wear as a covering against the cold?

_Soon… it would be my turn._

* * *

AN: Title, Persian 'An Abundance of Dreams'. Thanks to Aramxo here on FFnet for the translation!


	9. この夢は。。

この夢は。。。

After a dance lesson in January, Blair asked Chuck about the last fitting of his tails, anxious in spite of his great style.

"Would you like to have final approval?" Chuck offered, knowing Blair well.

"You wouldn't mind?" Blair didn't want to insult him, but…

"Not with you, Waldorf. Meet me in front of The Palace at 8PM?"

"Isn't that a little late in the day?" She asked, looking at him suspiciously.

"No." Chuck flashed her a smile, "How is your ensemble coming along?"

"I have everything now, but… I can't find the right tiara."

Chuck acted concerned but hid his triumphant smile well. He had asked Serena to help him dissuade Blair on her choices regarding this subject, "Perhaps that is something we can fix after my fitting?"

Blair eyed him even more suspiciously now. "How can your tailor find me a tiara?"

"How about you just… trust me?"

Trust… him? The idea hit her ears oddly and it was something she had never thought of before. Trust… Chuck. Did she?

With a small sigh, "I guess we'll see what you can do?" Blair was off to her next fitting and they went to depart outside, "See you later, Bass."

There was a moment. A definitive pull. She leaned towards him and he toward her. They… were going to kiss. Completely naturally. A sweet kiss in parting. But as the thought hit them both, Blair turned her head and stiffened, Chuck doing the same, but a collision of one sort or another was unavoidable. His lips pressed into her cheek and he could feel the heat of her blush.

Blair, thoroughly flustered, quickly turned and left. Chuck stood a moment, raking a hand through his hair, a small smile at the strange anomaly.

* * *

That night, Blair slid from her town car, wrapping her coat around herself tightly as she walked up to The Palace. Chuck was waiting for her, elegant, clad in a long black coat, the scarf she had given him around his neck for a pop of color.

"Ready to go?" He asked.

"Yes, if you are."

Chuck nodded and they turned to walk to his limo. Blair was startled when she saw Serena with Arthur, the latter loading a piece of her luggage in the trunk.

"Serena?"

But Serena ignored her, "Everything is taken care of Chuck. Don't you harm a hair on her head! Do you understand me?"

Blair was folded into Serena's arms for a hug as Chuck replied, "Yes, Serena. Honestly, I wonder what you think of me."

Serena released Blair, replying, "Truth? I try not to, unless forced."

Chuck rolled his eyes.

Blair just grew annoyed. "What is going on here? Why is my luggage in the trunk? And why are you helping _him_?"

"We're going to my fitting." Chuck replied simply, as if this was not obvious.

"And _where_ is your fitting?" Blair huffed.

"Now you are asking the right questions. Come on, off we go." He pulled her in to the limo.

"Have fun!" Serena gushed, bouncing on her feet and waving as the door closed.

Inside the limo, Queen B was outraged, glaring and crossing her arms, "Bass!"

"We're going to my fitting. It's not on this side of the Atlantic."

Blair still had her arms crossed, though this information calmed her down considerably, "Better. What city?"

"Aw, I'm not going to let you take all the fun out of it, Waldorf. You'll see when we get there." He patted her leg, leaving his hand to rest there.

"Ugh," She pushed his hand away, scooting to her side of the limo. Pulling out her phone she texted Serena:

_I can't believe you!_

Serena texted back when they had arrived at the jet:

_Relax and have fun!_

* * *

"Relax and have fun!" Blair grumbled to herself as she stomped onto the plane.

Chuck just smirked as he followed behind her.

Blair tried _not_ to sit near Chuck but she should have know better than to try.

"My plane, my rules, Waldorf. Come sit next to me."

"Or what?" Blair crossed her arms defensively.

Chuck smiled, "Or instead of watching whatever you like during the flight, it will be _my_ choice. I do have quite the selection of porn…"

Blair shot up from her seat and shuffled to the seat next to him, begrudgingly flopping down.

"There isn't that better?"

Blair just glared at him.

"Tiffany's? Holiday? Funny Face?"

"Holiday. We're traveling." She sat back in her seating.

"Then I'll get it queued up for after take off." Chuck stood, pausing as he moved to drop a kiss on her the top of her head.

As he worked, Blair watched him, rather admiring the view of his ass as he bent over. While she watched, she wondered what was with her? She was having the thoughts of a sex starved sixteen-year-old as she observed how nicely his trousers hung from his hips, the way the fabric curved… Blair snapped at herself. Honestly. But it did make her wonder, "Chuck… why do you kiss me on the top of my head?"

Chuck turned and came back to his seat, "Because," He kissed the top of her head again before sitting back down, "You fight with me and that makes me fond of you. Is that okay? Or… are you hoping for more?"

"No!" Blair hastily replied, "It's just… strange."

The jet took off, leaving them both in silence for a few minutes.

Chuck fidgeted with the remote a moment as the plane leveled out, "Shall I start the movie?"

"Yes, please. Though maybe we should switch it to Gigi?" Blair made a sour face.

He laughed, "Gigi? What a compliment this is! Do I really make the Queen B feel so very small?"

"With your strange kisses and stealing me away to Europe? Small and… confused…" Blair curled up in her seat as she watched Audrey smile at them from the screen.

Chuck curled up in his seat, too, mirroring her, yet unable to look at her face, "Imagine how small… everyone else feels. Out of everyone you wouldn't even…"

"I wouldn't…?" Blair watched his face as he spoke.

"You have your dating scheme, and it is what is is… but why _not_ me, Blair?" His eyes met hers as he asked.

She swallowed hard, "I… didn't honestly think you were an option- I didn't think you'd want to. Chuck Bass on a date- going out with the Queen, being a gentleman. It's… not what everyone else sees in you and I didn't want to ask it of you; put upon you, risk our…"

"Don't you dare. If you say alliance- after all these years. Say what we really are, Blair."

"I didn't want to ask so much of such a good _friend_. Satisfied?" Blair gave him a hard stare.

"Yes, quite." He leaned down and dropped yet another kiss on the top of her head.

"Ugh!" She cried, "Clearly you have no concern for _my_ feelings. You're going to be the end of me."

He just chuckled as she grumpily turned onto her other side.

* * *

After a few hours, the pair dozed off. Chuck was the first to stir, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he discovered Blair curled against him. He told himself it was probably because she was cold, but she looked so sweet nuzzled against him. Taking advantage of the moment, he passed his fingers through her silky hair, pushing it back off of her face. She stirred a little, but still refused to wake, mumbling, "I don't want to go to Paris, mother."

"Good, seeing as we're about to land in London."

"My Fair Lady…"

"Yes, Waldorf. Now if you don't wake up, I just may be tempted to find some other place than the top of your head to kiss."

"But I was having such a lovely dream…"

"Who says reality can't be just as lovely? Maybe, if I kiss the princess and she awakes?"

With that, brown eyes were glaring up at him, "Bass."

"Good morning, Waldorf. Comfortable?"

Glancing down, Blair realized how she was quite snuggled up against him. And then promptly removed herself, sitting up, and fixing her hair. Chuck just smiled at her.

"Are we almost there?" She smoothly asked.

"You really didn't hear any of that did you?" Chuck grinned at this new information.

"I can hear your smarming through my sleep." Blair defended.

Still he just smiled, "We're about to touch down in London."

"London? Savile Row? Oh, you are such a wonderful man!" Blair hugged him, almost instantly pulling away sheepishly at her outburst.

Chuck simply tutted at her, "Again… such little faith after all these years."

"How long are we staying? Please tell me we have a suite in Mayfair?" Blair was like a little girl in her excitement.

Which only served to make him reluctant in his response, "I'm afraid not. We'll be flying home in the evening, though we will stop to freshen up and change before heading to Savile Row."

She pouted at him. Fully pouted at him that she was not to stay the whole weekend in London with him. He had felt sly enough stealing her away in the first place; fully prepared for her wrath. And now she was… disappointed that their stay was so short. He could kick himself.

* * *

Through the drive into the city, Blair gazed out the window at the snow-covered streets of London. At the hotel, they had a light lunch and freshened up before traveling the short distance to Savile Row.

Glancing at the 'Savile Row W1' sign, Blair asked, "Which house is making your tails?"

"Waldorf, you should know better than to have to ask such a simple question."

The car moved a little further up the small street before stopping. Chuck handed her out of the car and she smiled at him as she saw which establishment it was. His scarf from second grade, "Yes, I really should have."

Together, Blair and Chuck entered Henry Poole & Co. They were instantly greeted, "Mr. Bass and… Ms. Waldorf I presume?"

"Yes, and you are?"

"David, miss. It is an honor to meet Mr. Bass's debutante, and the esteemed daughter of Eleanor Waldorf. Do either of you require anything?"

The pair replied no, and David departed to bring the tailor with Chuck's tails. Short greetings and introductions were made once again before Blair was analyzing the clothing. Only then did she allow Chuck to put the ensemble on. Pants, shirt, waistcoat… Chuck paused at fixing the white tie around his neck. Stepping out of the dressing room, he approached Blair and David, who were talking about a gorgeous livery piece on display. "David, I don't suppose you could give me a hand? These knot a little bit differently than bow ties."

"Certainly, Mr. Bass."

Chuck enjoyed the moment, watching Blair look him over. But he could do better, "David, in case necessity dictates it, perhaps Ms. Waldorf should learn the knot?"

Blair gave him a cool little glance before allowing David to show her where and how to fold and loop the white tie. With Chuck _finally_ dressed, the last adjustments to the tails were noted to be made. Chuck redressed and soon they were back in the car.

"Thank you for that bit of sartorial heaven. You make… quite the striking gentleman in your tails."

"Well, don't get too comfortable…" The car turned left and in a few short feet stopped once more, "We're not quite done yet."

Chuck handed her out of the car again and he watched Blair's eyes go wide. "Come along, I have a feeling this part might take a little longer."

"You can't… I'm going to have a tiara from… Garrard's?"

"After Tiffany's, I really didn't leave myself many other options."

"Chuck…"

"You aren't going to try and argue with me on this, are you?" Chuck gave her a questioning look.

"Well, you did say you appreciate it when I fight with you?"

"Pick your battles wisely, Waldorf. Besides, as if you'd really want to win this one?"

So in they went. Blair tried on tiara after tiara, trying to find one that not only met her likes and requirements, but Chuck's as well- and he was as bad if not worse, than she was. Finally, the poor jeweler sat a piece atop Blair's head that made the pair quiet in their contemplation. Brown eyes met brown in the mirror and no words were needed between them. They left Garrard's with a pretty black velvet case under Chuck's arm.

"I think we made him go through almost every piece they had before he gave this one up," he smiled.

Blair just smiled back and stared at the case. Chuck glanced at his watch, "Hmm, we have more time before dinner than I expected…"

"And?"

"Just enough time for torture."

The car parked in front of a small park and Chuck handed his phone to Arthur. They walked a little while in the snow, the winter sun quickly fading. Chuck paused, "Here should be good Arthur."

Blair looked at him warily, "Good for what?"

"A proper photo." Chuck pulled her close making her roll her eyes in spite of the smile spreading across her face. As they teased each other, Arthur took a number of pictures of the couple. It was during this playful bit of fun that Chuck made a slightly bolder move. Holding Blair tight in his arms, he planted a long sweet kiss on her cheek. There was a delicious pause which Arthur caught on film. Blair smiling, with such a light in her eyes, as he held her close and kissed her. In real time, that moment hastily erupted into a squeal that somewhat sounded like, "Bass!"

She broke away and he laughed. But then, Chuck laughed a little too long because suddenly there was snow in his face. Now it was Blair who was laughing and Chuck who was shouting, "Waldorf!"

They chased one another around the park, lobbing snowballs and laughing. Another moment out of time they could keep in their hearts.

* * *

The morning of the ball, Blair sat in her bedroom window and gazed down on the park. Snow covered everything, making it glitter in the soft winter light. She spent the day trying to say calm and relaxed, stretching, breathing, thinking beautiful things, and enjoying the bubble of excitement and happiness welling up inside of her.

As the sun began fall closer to the horizon and shadows stretched across the ground, Blair sat at her vanity as the hairstylist went to work on her hair. When the tiara from Garrard's was placed in her hair, it felt as though she had fallen into a beautiful dream. Her hair upswept, brown satin curls dripping down as the pretty little ornate setting flashed the light of vintage diamonds, even in the soft light of her bedroom.

Time swept by in a blur after that, though dressing was a long process, the hands on the clock moved swiftly. It felt as though she had blinked and suddenly, she was ready and Dorota announced that Chuck had arrived.

Breathe.

Her heart pounded rapidly in her chest as she gracefully descended the stairs. Chuck's eyes were on her and she gave him a little smile. Yes, she had seen him in tails before. But this time. This time those tails had been made for her. This time he was wearing them _for her_. The half smile, half smirk he had on his face was for her- because of her. She rather liked the sight of a wide-eyed, speechless Bass in tails.

For Chuck, Blair had always been pretty, since the day he had first seen her. There were days he could remember her looking quite beautiful, or sultry. And he _knew_ she would look incredible tonight. But that was hardly any sort of preparation for what was before him now and how it made him feel. The little girl seeking revenge on Henri Cooper had blossomed into… was there a word for such beauty?

The dress began at her shoulders, a delicate web of crystals dripping down over her skin to her chest, where it met fabric. The torso was simple, effortless, flowing down into a full fluff of fabric, her skirt appeared to almost be made of feathers. Opera-length white gloves running fingertip to elbow, her hands holding the mandatory bouquet of tightly bundled roses, and the beautiful tiara nestled in her upswept mahogany curls. A smile began to grace his features as she grew closer and closer. He recalled her teasing that perhaps Queen was too low of a title for her, given her influence over him. She was radiant… divine.

He took her gloved hand and kissed it. Chuck paused briefly, peaking up at her before rising, taking in the sight of her before the night would run away with them.

"Well, how do I look?" She tilted her head at him, the sparkle from her tiara dancing as she did so.

"Hmm…" Chuck still held her hand as he thought for a moment. Then he twirled her abruptly, making her laugh, and pulled her into his arms. "I always knew you were the Queen, Waldorf. But I didn't know until now, you also had divine right."

"Oh, Bass, is that the best you can do?" Though, Blair was still blushing.

"And possibly incite the wrath of the heavens?" Chuck shook his head.

So she played along, "That's right, so you better be on your best behavior tonight."

"Of course, my Goddess Divine." Chuck bowed.

A heartbeat.

She felt all the layers of their lives- how many times had they stood together like this, bantering? Since they were seven, trading scarf for ribbon, the promise of an alliance, a friendship, that brought them here. She had never felt so alive, yet at the same time, that she must be living in a dream.

Shaking her thoughts away, Blair reached for her heavy cloak, "Shall we go?"

"Of course." Chuck took the cloak and lifted it to her shoulders.

Outside, Blair paused when it was not his limo waiting on the street for them, as Arthur pulled the door open at their appearance to a stunning car. "Where's…"

"A special evening requires something more than the everyday, no? I thought a Rolls Royce Ghost would be up to tonight standards."

"It's beautiful…" Blair murmured as she studied it.

Chuck smiled, happy that he was continuing to surprise her, "It's not the only thing."

* * *

The drive to the Waldorf-Astoria did not take very long, and the two teenagers were quiet in the back, lost in their own thoughts and bashfulness. But when the car door opened, they came back to themselves. Both were beautiful and stunning. Their presentation, their opening dance. Everything was flawless.

During the evening, Chuck took Blair through the crowd.

He made a small polite bow and Blair watched as an older woman smiled at them.

"Charles! I wondered when I would see you."

"Mrs. Courtland. I wanted to be sure to thank you…"

"Certainly not. The gratitude is all mine." Her eyes shifted to Blair as Chuck presented her.

"Mrs. Courtland, might I introduce you to Miss Blair Waldorf, whom I have the great honor escorting tonight?"

Blair tried to not turn pink at the clear pride in his voice as he introduced her.

"Blair, it is so wonderful to finally meet you. I really must thank Charles for bringing you to our attention. You both quite outshone the other couples, I'm afraid!"

"Thank you, Mrs. Courtland. Chuck is…" Blair felt a small jolt of fear at having to say this to a stranger, "such a wonderful friend to me. Really, he is much too kind."

Diane looked at the two, thinking back on the lunch she had with Chuck. Did Chuck wonder at having found a partner in this girl? "Is he? Well, then I'm sure you are _both_ lucky to have one another. Now, if you might excuse me, I think it's time my husband pushed me about the dance floor."

She departed with a sweet smile at Chuck and his… friend.

* * *

The evening was long, a mix of dinner, dancing, and performances. At one point, the debutantes had all crowded around to talk and gossip. All the girls were curious about Blair- her dress, her tiara, her date. Blair simply smiled and soaked in their envy.

During all of this gushing, one girl asked about Chuck, clearly starstruck, "Blair, are you going to marry him?"

"Marry?" Blair did not see that one coming at all.

"That was the whole point of debutantes long ago; it still happens sometimes today." A handful of girls agreed, nodding their tiara-topped heads.

"And didn't I see you talking to Mrs. Courtland earlier?" Another girl chimed in.

"Yes, why?" Blair was fairly confident she did not want to hear the answer.

"She married her escort. Years later, of course, but look at them- still happily married."

"I'm just… not thinking about those things." Blair was fighting her imagination; the images these girls were conjuring up of her and Chuck…

"But you and Chuck Bass! You two just look so… amazing," One girl sighed.

Blair was thoroughly disturbed. How to get away?

Suddenly, arms wrapped around her waist, "Ladies, I think I've shared my debutante long enough."

The sigh the girls emitted as a group was simply creepy.

Turning towards him, Chuck released her waist and bowed, proffering his hand, "Dance with me?"

She smiled, accepting his hand, "As you wish…"

And sweeping onto the floor, they began to waltz, leaving the sighing debutantes behind.

* * *

The morning was pitch black when the Rolls returned Blair to her home.

Stepping onto the sidewalk, Blair murmured, "Time for the fairy tale to end."

Chuck held out his arm, "Walk you inside?"

She gave him a sleepy little smile and took his arm.

Entering the foyer, in her tired state, one of Blair's shoes dropped off her foot, clattering to the floor.

Chuck smiled, "Perhaps the fairy tale isn't completely over yet, Cinderella."

Blair rolled her eyes and slipped the other shoe off her foot, leaving it on the floor as well, "Or I'm much too tired for these heels?"

"Then we'd best not risk the stairs."

And before Blair could process his meaning, Chuck had swept her into his arms- full skirt and all.

Blair was now completely awake, "Chuck!"

But he was not dissuaded by her protest, swiftly carrying her up the staircase, only letting her down when they reached her bedroom door.

"Sweet dreams?" His voice was so warm- smarmy, yet so gentle; he was clearly quite proud of himself.

Blair gazed at him, asking, "Wasn't this a dream?"

Chuck's smile was one she had never seen before. He didn't give her time to decipher its meaning. "I can think of a way to find out?"

And with that, she was in his arms again, only…

One of his hands gently cupped her face. Her eyes, heavy with sleep, fell closed of their own accord. And her mouth…

He was kissing her. Soft insistence. Warm, yearning, so sweet.

Blair moaned and wrapping her arms around him, she pulled Chuck closer.

Stronger. More. Blair returned his need, the kiss growing. Such hunger and… desire.

She was panting when he pulled away from her. Blair was too tired to do anything but enjoy herself as she leaned against her door frame for support.

Chuck raked a hand through his hair, his eyes on the floor a moment, before he peaked back up at her.

Moonlight from her bedroom windows dripped across her and she glowed before him. He stepped close to her again, his hand coming to caress her cheek, "Yes… this all must be a dream."

His heart ached knowing he must leave. Chuck dropped his head and took one last long sweet kiss from her before pulling himself away and departing.

Blair's bliss carried her so high she collapsed into bed still fully dressed, her hair still bound up in pins. How does one dream when life is already a dream? Blair sank into her bed and into sleep, replaying the evening over and over in her head.

* * *

Blair tried to roll over but found it difficult. Groaning, she felt something digging into her head as well. Opening bleary eyes, she gazed down to find she was in a voluminous white gown.

She gasped.

Her hands flew to her head, where the diamond tiara was still fixed. She had fallen asleep like this? How- oh. She glanced at her open bedroom door and recalled the feel of him all around her as he kissed so sweetly. The bliss and beauty of it washed over her anew. Eventually, after a few happy sighs, her eyes fell on the clock, and she realized Dorota would be checking on her soon. She was not going to let Dorota find her like this! Too many questions.

Gloves, off. Tiara, after a small battle to free it from her hair, was safely back in its case. A seemingly endless number of pins were pulled from her hair. Finally, she undressed and hurried into the shower. Blair scrubbed the makeup from her face and discovered a few more renegade hairpins in her hair. But the real rebel was her heart as she paused, letting the hot water wash over her, her face flushing from the heat of the water and the heat of the memory of his mouth pressing against hers.

She had kissed a few boys since Carter in eighth grade, so she was not completely inexperienced. But last night… the entire night- not just the kiss, were unlike anything else. It was going to be a special night, her night as a debutante, but… Chuck. He was beautiful, so sweet, he had worked so hard on their dancing for her, for that night, and he had done everything in his power to make it unforgettable. It really had felt like a dream; it had all been so perfect.

Pulling herself from the shower and away from her reverie, Blair dressed and went downstairs for breakfast. She was nibbling on some fruit when Chuck arrived, the newspaper tucked under his arm. "Good morning, Bass."

"Good morning, Waldorf." Chuck had to resist the urge to kiss her on the cheek in greeting, "Did you have… sweet dreams?"

Blair felt her heart pounding in her chest, but she refused to play along, "I was too tired to dream, I'm afraid. Is that this morning's paper?"

"It is indeed, are you curious?" He tried to ignore that Blair refused to flirt with him.

"Not as curious as you it seems?" She grinned at him- he was the one showing up with the paper after all.

"Who says I've looked? I am here simply in service to the Queen." Chuck deferred.

Blair rolled her eyes, "Enough playing- let's see the photos."

Chuck sat next to her and opened the paper, carefully turning to the society section and moving slowly through the article and photos. They were a stunning success; they had not just one large photo, but a second of them dancing. Blair could only imagine the phone and e-mail messages awaiting her upstairs. Her minions and classmates had to be dying in their Natori pajamas over their breakfast.

Reclining in his seat, Chuck sat back a moment and enjoyed watching Blair pour over the spread. Quite satisfied with his accomplishments and completely ensnared by Blair, he reached down and pushed a lock of her hair back behind her ear, asking, "So, how did I do?"

Blair paused at the gesture and could feel his vanity rolling off of him, dripping in his voice. She gazed up at him, "How did you do with… what?"

"Our date. How do I compare to the others?" He was still completely smug.

"Compare? I wasn't aware my social calendar was a competition." Blair sat back coolly in her seat.

"And you are going to try and convince me it's not? You could have a flawless date- a night out that feels as good as a dream, and still you would not yield? No one is good enough to truly date the Queen?" Chuck was growing bitter and defensive as he spoke.

"My dating has nothing to do with any of that- it's all purely social!" She bit back.

"Wasn't last night amazing? Why would you not want that again? Why would you not want that everyday?" His voice was still hard, but it was edged with softness, an honest desire for truth.

Blair glanced at the last photo taken of her 'family' that sat nearby. Happiness that had fallen apart, watching her mother struggle, all the pain. It set her determination anew; she wouldn't fool herself. Last night was not reality- the reality was that those bright moments all turned to dust.

Her voice was hushed, "Don't do this. Don't ruin such a perfect night by doing this. Don't push for more, please… just let me hold on to last night. It really was…" Her eyes slowly lifted to meet his.

Her look hurt more than her words. Yes, he had succeeded in giving her the perfect night out, but it wasn't enough to shake her free, it wasn't enough to prove to her what an extraordinary pair they made. It was with a heavy sigh of resignation that Chuck stood. But before he turned to leave, he looked down at her. She looked so small and afraid, in spite of the grand Queen she was. She would test him, it would take more time, but for now…

Chuck captured her face in his hands and before she could protest, kissed her once more. She tasted sweet and as he drew the kiss out, she completely yielded to him in those long moments. When he pulled away, her face was full of innocent desire, a pouting wish for the kiss to never end. Yes, with time… and hope. So he finished her sentence, "This dream really was… perfection."

And with that Chuck, departed to return to the real world.

Blair, frustrated, went upstairs. Throwing the chest at the foot of her bed open, she pulled out her diaries and settled in for a long day of contemplation.

* * *

AN: Title, Japanese 'This dream is/was...' My degree had to be good for something eventually right? lol Knowing London can be accredited to my degree as well!

Thanks to Mary ( MaryScarlett2u) for making me write out their clothing, I just wasn't in a mood to for some reason! The bits that make Blair's outfit can be found on my Tumblr, just use the story title to search the tags.


	10. प य र अ ध ह त ह

प्यारअंधाहोताहै

Chuck spent the next few hours walking through a frozen Central Park. The cold bit at him, making the pain of Blair's denial more real, more physical. The cold was good though; it cooled his raging heart in time for lunch.

Elegantly taking his seat, a beautiful misdirection of his emotions, Chuck joined Mrs. Courtland for lunch once more, in thanks for her favor. She was carrying the newspaper, reminding him of the one he had left with Blair. Setting it down before her, it was the page with he and Blair smiling as they danced, "You must be so proud, Charles. You and Ms. Waldorf were quite the pair last night."

"Not nearly as proud as you must be as chairwoman, Mrs. Courtland." Chuck reflected the praise back onto her.

"Another success, it is true. But one of the great joys in the event is the debutantes. Truly, everyone who saw you- simply look at the photos. You have such chemistry, no one can deny it." She was studying the image of them in the paper once more.

Chuck sat back in his seat, detached, crossing his legs, resting his foot on his thigh, his eyes watching his hand as it smoothed the fabric of his trousers. It was a majestic pose yet his demeanor was absolutely negative. "It is quite deniable. I had once said of Blair that she will change someone else before she would ever be changed. I should have taken my own advice."

Diane Courtland furrowed her brow, "She was so taken with you last night. What happened? Clearly you care deeply for her- does she not return your feelings?"

Chuck had now turned his attention to contemplating the glass of juice in his hand and he paused. Blair's feelings. "Caring about one another has never been the problem. We help each other- for years we have, but… she's determined not to be with anyone."

"Like your father." Diane was quick to point out.

"I can accept my father's disinterest in me. I'll never have those ideals of a family, never know my father as anything except the illustrious Bart Bass. But…" His thoughts drifted as he thought on Blair.

"You feel different around Blair? You are young, Charles, maybe you just-"

"No. This is something that has been building for years, underneath everything else. All the things I did before were so that I could see this for what it is."

Diane saw the cool determination in his eyes. She had witnessed enough great men and women become set in their determination to recognize that this was a beginning and not an ending for Chuck and Blair. She raised her glass to him, "Well, then good luck in your battles. To Chuck and Blair."

* * *

Hours later, back on Fifth Avenue, Blair snapped shut her most recent diary, dissatisfaction clearly written on her face. She had started at their very beginning, and now, here she was. She picked up the newspaper that Chuck had left her with and lectured the copy of herself in the photo.

_How? How did I not see this? We've always had such fun together… I should have known when I chose not to date him! I should have known he wouldn't be okay with it! Now look! Smiling like a blissful idiot next to him in the paper! How could I not see this coming- how could I let this happen?_

_Look at him, smiling, so contented with himself and his accomplishment. You always want what you can't have, right? Why would I think _Charles Bass_ of all people would be any different. He's worse- he wants even more than everyone else. He wants it all. _

_But I won't do it. For all the dances and kisses and tiaras in the world, I will not be weakened, I will not be deluded into surrendering myself to a boy because of a bunch of butterflies! I'm Blair Waldorf!_

With that thought, Blair shoved her diaries, and the memories they contained, back into the chest. She then proceeded to collect Chuck's scarf, headband, and tiara, and marched straight to the safe hidden in the study. Entering the code, Blair pulled the heavy door open and shoved the items inside.

_No more._

The door to the safe fell close with a heavy thud.

* * *

Blair spent the remainder of Sunday cloistered away in her home, recovering from the long night and stealing her emotions away. No phone calls, no e-mails, or text messages. She wasn't going to think about Chuck or talk about Chuck, or last night, or _anything_ to do with Chuck! Which was good- and not so good. School on Monday morning was absolutely overwhelming- hiding away was the last thing she should have done. Her minions were a cacophony:

"Oh my God, Blair!"

"We had no idea, you're so sneaky!"

"You looked amazing!"

"I can't believe it- Chuck Bass!"

"Your photos in the papers…"

"Where were you yesterday?"

Then:

"Oh my God!" one minion screeched above all the others, "Did you sleep with Chuck Bass‽"

Everyone was silent. Blair had not predicted her non-response on Sunday would lead to the idea that she had…

"Excuse me?" The Queen was indignant as she replied.

The minion, Sabrina, looked down at the ground sheepishly, "Well if no one heard from you…"

"And the first thought is I was hidden away in Chuck Bass's suite, wrapped up in his… sheets, all Sunday long?"

"That really doesn't sound _that_ bad, does it, Blair?" The voice was deep, and very smarmy. The group of girls all turned to see Chuck leaning against the wall behind them in the courtyard.

"The point is," Blair glared at him, "That I was at home, recovering from staying out and dancing until 4AM. It's very taxing for a lady to do such a thing- especially in _your_ company for the whole night." Blair crossed her arms as she finished.

The minions kept quiet, eating up the interaction between Chuck and Blair- they had never seen them together before, and this was just too interesting. Chuck moved to stand tall, shoving his hands in his pockets as he titled his head, "So, you are denying you had a nice time that evening?All the photos in The Times were lying? If a picture is worth a thousand words and there are two of just us…"

"So the photographer liked us?" Blair preened a little, re-tucking her hair behind her ear.

"And all the other debutantes? And the chairwoman, and…" Chuck added.

"It was a successful evening," She was glaring at him again, her mouth drawn tight, "so _thank you_."

With a few quick steps, Chuck was suddenly right in front of her. He pulled a hand free from her crossed arms, and with the very slightest of bows, he said, "Anything, in service of the Queen," before dropping a kiss on the captured hand.

Blair watched him, her face cool the entire time, as he then stood and casually walked away. The memory of his kiss burned on her hand, inflaming the memory of his kiss on her lips yesterday… and the night before.

The peanut gallery was all a flurry:

"What was _that_?"

"Chuck Bass bowing to the Queen, my my."

"Maybe they did…"

"…Or he wants to!"

"He _is _Chuck Bass."

"Quiet!" Blair silenced them. "It was an elite event. In order to go, I had to go with him, and that is _all_. End of story."

The minions were properly quieted and everyone shuffled off to class.

* * *

Blair was distracted the whole day by thoughts of the gossip and thoroughly frustrated with Chuck. After classes, she did not find him anywhere in the halls and his limo was not outside when she left. She had a good guess where she might find him.

Stepping into the bar he had taken her the first day of classes, Blair confronted the bartender of Victrola. "Where is he?"

"I don't know who you're looking for but I wouldn't mind…"

Blair held up her hand, "Don't you even- Chuck Bass. Where is he?"

The bartender was sad at being shut down so quickly, but figured if she was looking for Chuck, what chance did he have? "Upstairs."

And with that, Blair quickly shot up the stairs. There he sat laying back against the sofa as he stared at the stage below. She placed herself between him and the view. "And _what _do you think you were doing?"

"Well, Waldorf, I _was_ watching the show. Unless, you are offering…?"

"Ugh, Bass! I meant this morning! What was with causing such a scene?" Blair planted her hands on her hips.

"Trying to take the heat off of you, wasn't that obvious?" He stared back at her idly.

"No!" She bit back.

"You should have gone out on Sunday. Taken Serena to the spa or shopping or at least answered your phone. No one knew where you were, what did you think they were going to jump to with our pictures in the paper?" Chuck raised an eyebrow, suggesting maybe that's what she _wanted_ them to think.

"Well, I didn't think of that! I was busy…" Blair paused, thinking of the hours she had spent reading her diaries and remembering all of their history together, "recovering."

"You looked fine at breakfast," Chuck leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, "What did you have to recover from? Could it have been…"

Blair narrowed her eyes as he baited her.

"My kisses?"

"No! Not in the least!" She stuck her nose up in the air, crossing her arms defensively again.

"And here I thought they were quite good, even for me… are you _sure_?" He teased her.

"I'm _very _sure." Blair stared at him, determination in her eyes.

"Then prove it." Chuck's words were perfectly enunciated, a smirk spreading across his face as he gazed back at her. Brown eyes locked with brown eyes for a few moments. Chuck didn't think she would take the challenge and storm off. Blair thought about it, but also wondered at proving to herself that Chuck was _just_ another boy.

Within a short breath, Blair leaned down, cupping his face in her hands and firmly kissed him. She shocked Chuck for a few seconds before he was kissing her back. A few more seconds passed, and Blair didn't pull away. His arms came up and wrapped around her waist, with a strong tug, he pulled her into his lap. And still they kissed; he held her close, one of her hands moved higher to curl in his hair. It was beautiful- it felt like perfection having her so close. When she finally pulled her face away from his, he could not help the broken, "No," that escaped.

Blair struggled free from his arms, staggering to step back and stand before him once more. Her eyes were round and full of fear as she looked at him, one hand touched her swollen lips before both moved to touch her heated cheeks with the backs of her fingers. He almost thought she might cry as she looked at him, her voice small, "Chuck."

He was on his feet in a heartbeat, wrapping his arms around her, "Don't, please don't. Don't run, don't hide, don't shut me out. I know. I know what you think."

"It's a weakness, it could destroy me. My mother, her pain… it's how I destroyed Elise. I won't date you, Chuck. I won't date anyone." She let him hold her, but she refused to melt into his arms.

"I don't care. Just don't shut me out. I'll hide in the darkest shadows if it means every now and again you will let go and forget for a time and just… be. No pressure, no expectations, no struggling."

Blair listened to his voice rumble these words as she pressed her ear against his chest and breathed him in. _Just… be._ She nuzzled her head closer and tentatively wrapped her arms around him.

For a few minutes, they stood like that, the sounds of the club disappeared, they forgot they were anywhere but with each other. Blair inhaled deeply, lifting her head up. But before she could pull away, Chuck captured her mouth in another kiss. Not as long as the last one, but just long enough to leave her breathless when he pulled back. When she opened her eyes, he had a tiny, satisfied smirk on his face.

She gave him a slightly annoyed smile back, "See you at school, Bass."

With that, Blair turned and left. Chuck sat back on his sofa, happy, slightly unable to believe she hadn't said no. She didn't _say_ yes either, but this was undeniable progress. He would have to be careful, but there was hope.

* * *

Blair pushed her way through her homework that evening, finishing her day with a long bath before curling up in bed. She stared at the dark blue ceiling watching shadows move over it as she thought about Chuck. All she wanted yesterday was to forget about him completely, she was aware of the hypocrisy of the fact, as she felt how hot her cheeks were from recalling the memory of their kisses today.

_Don't shut me out_, he had asked her. Could she do it? Was it safe? She pulled up the years and years of memories again and realized it was only in this past year she had distanced herself from him. Before that, she never kept anything from him- never could keep anything from him, even when she was making herself sick, he found her. It was the dating, becoming Queen that made her pull away, and he's fought her on it all along. Because… his kisses.

Blair reached up and touched her mouth. His kisses weren't like other boys' kisses. She had tried to prove it to herself today that he was _just_ another boy, and she had proved herself wrong. Blair rolled over and groaned into her pillow. Now what?

She turned the rest of his words over in her mind: _I'll hide in the darkest shadows if it means every now and again you will let go and forget for a time and just… be. No pressure, no expectations, no struggling._

It had been nice, those few minutes in his arms after he said that. To just… be, with him. Would it be so bad to run away sometimes and hide in the shadows for a little bit? To forget everything else and just enjoy his kisses? Blair was tempted by these thoughts and it caused her to turn to memories of her parents. Could she remember seeing them so comfortable together?

No… not together. Eleanor had never been terribly happy and her father… she could recall a few warm memories with him when she was younger. But she realized that never had she seen or been around a healthy couple. How could she know if things were changing if she didn't know what to look for? _No pressure, no expectations, no struggling. _She would have to hold him to that. The second she felt she was losing control, she would stop him. And if it was true, that he would hide in the darkest of shadows to spend time with her, then he would stop when she said so.

* * *

It was tentative to start. At school they would pass each other as if strangers. Some nights, Blair would find him at Victrola for a drink and they would sit and talk like they had in the past. But there were a couple of times… a few stolen kisses- once, in his limo that was sweet and beautiful. Another time, terribly dangerous, but he caught her at school, pulling her into the shadows under a stairwell and pressing her to the wall, he pinned her there. He was feverish in his need for her, the kisses intense and hungry. Blair felt giddy and half drunk when she finally walked back to class. The curious look on Serena's face when she returned was enough for her to pull it back together.

It was the week before spring break, Blair and Serena were having fun at Butter when Nate and Chuck showed up. Nate was clearly high, he had on his lopsided smile as he sat down. Chuck was smooth when he slid into their booth, "Van der Woodsen. What are we doing next week?"

The blonde flipped her long, pretty hair, "Are you counting on me to plan spring break _again_?" While she acted annoyed, she was also quite happy they were depending on her.

"So, you're okay flying commercial, is that it?"

"No!" Blair cried and shook Serena's arm, "Come on, S."

With a dramatic huff, Serena said, "Fine. St. Tropez again, but I'll come up with something special for us to do after we get there."

Blair gave her friend a wary look- Serena already had the whole thing planned, she could tell. And Chuck… "I'm going to the ladies."

She caught his eye briefly as she left the table. Serena and Nate were staring at each other, so it was easy for Chuck to suddenly slip away. He found her quickly and taking her hand, they slipped into the shadows together. A dark hallway, blackness swallowing them as he pressed her against the wall. His mouth on her neck, his hand grasping her waist, she heard his voice, "What does Serena have planned?"

"I have no idea," Blair moaned, "But she's definitely planned something."

"What about you? Do you have… any plans?" He held her body even closer to his as he nipped the little sweet spot behind her ear, making her moan again.

"To be with my friends," She curled her fingers in his hair and roughly pulled his head back, "To just… be… with you."

"Mmm," Chuck moaned, "We could have more… quiet time… together."

Blair now pushed him against the other side of the wall, "Don't get too ahead of yourself, Bass."

Another kiss, short, but not sweet. She pulled on his lower lip with her teeth, nipping it slightly to remind him who was in charge before she left him breathless against the wall as she sashayed back out into the light.

Chuck leaned there, blissful in the darkness. This past month had been good- he didn't care how slowly it moved, the fact was they were together, in some small, beautiful way, and he was not going to screw it up.

* * *

When they landed in St. Tropez, Serena gave them one whole day before she was dragging them onto a yacht. They floated across the Mediterranean for several days, Chuck growing more and more cross with every mile. While Nate and Serena were free to flirt and hang off of one another all they wanted because of who they were, he was trapped longing after Blair as she swam and sunbathed, only allowed to converse with her, and if he was lucky, spread lotion across her beautiful back and shoulders. By the time the yacht reached its port, Chuck was up to masturbating three times a day just to maintain his sanity.

They docked a few hours before sunset and Blair stood on the deck, "Serena!"

"Yes, my beautiful, most best-est friend in the whole world?" The blonde appeared and wrapped her arms around the tiny brunette.

Blair was stiff as a board, "You brought me to…"

Serena preemptively winced.

"IBIZA?"

"Come on! It will be fun!" Serena jostled her friend.

"I already need painkillers just looking at it. Ibiza, really?" Blair shook her head in denial.

"But I brought you this sparkly little slip of a dress and…"

Blair pulled away and gave Serena a look of absolute disbelief.

The blonde sighed, "I'll get you some painkillers," and shuffled off to her cabin.

Nate was stretched out on her bed, "Well?"

"Maybe if we could give her a head transplant? I have no idea how we'll get her to loosen up and go out with us." Serena dug through her bag, fetching the painkillers.

Sitting up, Nate fished something out of his pocket, "You could give her one of these?"

Holding his hand out, Nate proffered some tablets of Ecstasy he had bought for the rave tonight.

"When did you pick up some Ecstasy? Is this for us?" Serena was beaming, "Oh this is exactly what she needs. In an hour we won't be able to keep her _in_ the hotel suite!"

Serena picked up a white tablet, which looked just like the painkillers she held in her other hand. She returned to Blair with a bottle of water as well, "Drink all the water, it will help."

Blair swallowed the pills without hesitation and drank the water. She then felt a little bad about her outburst, "I'm sorry about… complaining. I just… Ibiza?"

Serena hugged her, "Don't worry about it, you'll see. We'll have tons of fun tonight."

"Did you already start taking drugs?" Blair gave her a sideway glance.

"Not yet! But come on, we should get to the hotel and change!" Serena was all bubbly as they left the boat, traveled the short way to the hotel, and helped Blair into the skimpy little dress she wanted her to wear.

By that point, Blair was more than happy to slip the proffered garment on. It was a slinky halter dress that shimmered over her curves and stopped mid thigh. Blair's bubbliness soon began to match Serena's as they did their hair and makeup, clattering into the hallway in their tall heels to meet the boys.

Chuck's mouth went dry when he saw Blair and he was sorely tempted to turn around to return to his room so he could jerk off _again_. He really wondered what he was doing to himself in that moment. While watching Serena jump into Nate's arms was nothing new, the way Blair smiled and curled up to him was definitely not right.

Nate had given Chuck some E about half an hour ago and now he looked at Serena, knowing Blair would never consent, "Serena did you-"

She waved her hand at him, "Yes, yes. Have fun!" Serena and Nate packed themselves into the elevator, already half making out.

Well… this would be interesting? And, maybe fun? Blair was staring up at him with doe eyes and a smile on her face. She was rubbing her hand against the fine linen covering his chest, "Mm, you feel nice."

Chuck in part really could not believe this. Serena and Nate had drugged Blair. Sure, it was just some Ecstasy but still… _he _was going to have to make sure _nothing_ happened by the end of the night, even though he had taken some, too! Seriously, those two.

Blair was perfectly childlike as she held herself against him, fascinated at the sight and feel of him. "Come on, Blair," he took her hand in his, "We're going to go dance to some music."

"Dancing?" She liked the sound of that, "But only if you kiss me in the elevator like they were." Blair pointed at the elevator Nate and Serena had been mauling each other in.

He pushed the button with a sigh, worried that her physical wants were already so high, "Alright, come on."

The doors slid open and Blair was on him before the doors had closed behind them. She was kissing him with as much intensity has he had that day in the stairwell at school and he was staggered to feel her returning such feelings. She was always playful- coy, a flirt, but never so unrestrained like she was now. Her hands were all over him, she rubbed her body against his, and her kisses were fierce and demanding.

He was about to shove her against the wall, show her his passion matched hers, when the elevator pinged and the doors slid open once more. Blair switched gears in a flash, grabbing his hand and pulling him along behind her, heading out into the fading sunlight and towards the pulsing beat of the clubs.

The next several hours were consumed by the throbbing music and Blair's little body pressed to his, rolling, rubbing, sliding against him. It was a haze of feelings; Blair unbuttoned his shirt to feel his skin under her fingertips and kiss his chest, Chuck slipped his hands under her dress, grabbing her ass as she rocked against him. The pounding of the music grew louder around them, the tempo escalating, driving the crowd frantic and Chuck and Blair with it. They clung to one another, their mouths fusing in an endless kiss as they struggled to feel more and more of each other. The density of the crowd soon erupted onto the beach and they moved with them, eventually pushed to the outskirts as they became more lost in themselves than the sound of the music.

Blair, overwhelmed, finally let go of him and happily dropped to sit in the sand. Her tall shoes were not meant for the beach and she smiled as she poke at them until her feet were free. Chuck stood and watched her with such adoration. Her task done, Blair gazed back up at him, and he offered his hand, helping to pull her back up. She sighed in his arms, "This is the most beautiful night of my life."

"Better than the ball?" He smiled.

"Yes- we're free here, on the beach, under the full moon." Blair leaned her head against his bare chest and gazed out at the sea. But before he could hold her closer once more, before he could kiss her again, she was pulling away. The smile on her face was gleeful, "Free!"

Chuck was momentarily crushed that she was moving away from him until he realized what she was doing. He watched with slight disbelief as Blair pulled the shimmering wisp of a dress over her head and dashed towards the water. In nothing but her bra and underwear. Kicking off his shoes and completely removing his shirt, he chased after her.

She was close to waist deep when he captured her, wrapping his arms around her waist. She laughed and squealed, trying to splash water at him in retaliation. But watching her, so happy, so beautiful in the moonlight, all he wanted… was her. Her skin was bare and wet as he pulled her hard against him. She smiled, a happy sigh escaping as she tilted her head back, waiting for his kiss. Bringing one hand up, he cupped her face, taking in her intense beauty as her eyes closed, her perfect full lips parting a little, the slightest hint of a pout as he made her wait for him. "You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen… ever known, Blair."

At the sound of his deep, sensual voice, Blair opened her eyes as he still cupped her face, "Chuck…" he smiled so sweetly at her, "I never expected- I never thought I could ever… ever _feel_ the way I feel when I'm with you."

Chuck drank in the sight of her eyes shining up at him, the way the moonlight pooled in them. Still, she waited for his kiss as his thumb passed over the silky softness of her cheek, "Is that all, Waldorf?"

Her reply was firm and adamant, "I can think of a way to find out? Kiss me, Bass."

And then, finally, at last, with the smallest smirk tugging at his mouth, Chuck leaned down and kissed her. By this hour, they were undoubtabedly coming down from the drugs, but Chuck knew he couldn't feel it. All he could feel was Blair, here with him, radiant and stunning in his arms, her little mouth surging up to meet his kisses. For the first time since they began last month, he opened his mouth to her, and she responded eagerly, fueling his gentleness to shift to unyielding desire.

He had been varying degrees of turned on the entire evening, and now… he could barely restrain his want of her. And he knew she had only the smallest, innocent idea of what she did to him. Taking one of her hands with his, he pressed it where his erection was straining against his clothes.

"This. This is what you do to me, Blair." He gasped through their wild kisses.

She didn't shy away from him, pressing her hand harder, feeling the length and thickness of him, making him moan as his attention was fixed on her fingertips dragging against the fabric of his shorts.

It was bliss and Chuck was dying inside. He was no amateur and he knew what Blair meant to him. He wanted her- that was not the problem at all. But not like this, after a night high on Ecstasy, not when they were only just beginning. With a strong final kiss, he took her hand and pulled her from the water.

Blair pouted, "Don't leave me." As she followed behind him, stunned at the separation, though their hands were still intertwined.

Chuck picked his shirt up and wrapped it around her, a small smile on his face, "I'm not, it's just cold, and I think you'll be getting tired soon."

"Will… not" she replied, yawning on cue as she snuggled into his shirt.

He slipped his shoes back on, picked up her dress and shoes, and dropped a kiss on her lips. "Yes, you are, so time to walk back; it's not that far."

He wrapped his arm around her as they walked, Chuck's shirt covering her so well, no one noticed he was carrying her dress. His mind wandered a million ways, thinking about her, about him… and her. He kissed the top of her head, smiling at himself for doing it, before asking, "Blair… tell me about your parents?"

She never really talked about them, or what happened, he only knew what was on the surface, what everyone else knew. The divorce was kept incredibly quiet in the papers though there were many whispers. Blair sighed and watched her feet as they walked. "They were never happy. I can't remember them ever being happy, together, or even with me. They could never fake it for longer than the time it took to snap a photo."

As she admitted this, she recalled the photos of her being so happy with Chuck, juxtaposing the realities.

"But I think she really loved him- as much as my mother could love someone? But he's gay- that I exist is a miracle when you think about it." She sighed at this fact.

"The divorce took so long just because of all the accounts and money and properties. Not because there was anything to fight about. I saw how it broke my mother though. I know he didn't want to hurt her, but he did. She wanted a life with him she couldn't have and I swear," Blair rubbed her eyes, trying not to cry, "I won't go through that."

Chuck kept quiet, letting her talk, empathizing with her more than she probably knew. He wanted a family too- a mother, a father who cared. But he had never witnessed this heartache Blair was talking of, so he wasn't afraid to risk reaching for what he felt he wanted.

They were both quite tired by the time they reached the hotel, letting their thoughts drift as they kept close.

Yet Blair leaned happily against him in the elevator, his arm draped around her, holding her upright.

"You smell nice," Blair sighed.

He chuckled as the doors slid open, "Come on, Waldorf."

Groaning. "No…"

"Come on."

Suddenly, there was a burst of enthusiasm, "Carry me, Bass!"

"You have got to be-" But Chuck looked down at her. There was the most incredible mix of impetuousness and adorable pouting he had ever seen. Only Waldorf. Scooping her into his arms, she squealed happily, swinging her feet in the air as she nuzzled close.

Reaching her door, he huffed a little, "Card?"

Without untucking her head from the happy place she had nestled it against his neck, Blair held up her room card.

A swipe of her card and a few steps later, Chuck was laying her down into her bed. She grumbled when he pulled his arms away, and while the Ecstasy had not affected him nearly as much as it had Blair, he was feeling such tenderness towards his oldest… friend. Reaching down, he smoothed her hair away from her face, and she smiled up at him, blinking her sleepy eyes.

She sighed, and nuzzling her face against his hand, she murmured, "I could love you."

Just like the drugs had freed Blair from her restraint, it held back Chuck's fears as well. Without hesitation, Chuck kicked off his shoes and curled up in bed next to her, pulling her into his arms. She sighed again and wrapped her arms around him, holding him as much as he was her. Pressing his face into her hair, he breathed deeply, sleep slowly pulling him away, he spilled the words in his heart, "I already love you."

* * *

AN: Title, Hindi 'Love is Blind'.


	11. Säg farväl till mitt hjärta

Säg farväl till mitt hjärta

Waking the next morning, Chuck had trouble moving. There was something lying on top of him. Twisting, it was definitely a person. _I could love you_. Blair? He was dehydrated, and it was difficult to open his eyes, but he was anxious to see if he was in Blair's bed.

He was.

Only… it wasn't Blair half-sprawled across him.

It was Serena.

Her other half, including her wild mane of blonde hair, was smothering Blair, who seemed to still be sleeping.

"Ugh, Serena." Prying himself mostly free, he rolled her off of Blair to lie between them.

Bleary-eyed, Serena grinned and reached up to pat his face, "Good morning, handsome."

He glowered at her, "What are you doing in this bed?"

Unfazed, Serena kept grinning, "What are _you_ doing in this bed?" adding a waggle of her eyebrows.

"Everyone- including _you_, is dressed…" Only then did he remember his shirt was on Blair, who was in her bra and underwear, "Or at least decent. How did you end up here?"

Serena stretched, "When I got back from the rave, I peaked in on Blair- I wanted to make sure she wasn't freaking out. But she was safe, wasn't she? The sight of you two spooning, how cute was that? I felt lonely, so I joined you."

"It was the d-"

"Bass."

"And-"

"Shut up. She's fine, and don't you think you should be leaving? Or do you want her to wake up and wonder why you are in her bed- generally dressed, or not?"

His eyes drifted over to gaze upon Blair. She was turned towards them, clutching her pillow, happy in her sleeping state. Almost on cue, she nuzzled the pillow closer and murmured, "Chuck…"

His heart jolted and he looked at Serena to know if this was a normal thing for Blair.

Serena's face held nothing but shock, "Well, that's new. Maybe she's still coming down? Afterglow?"

With a last glance at Blair, Chuck slipped from the bed, picking up his shoes, and left the girl's suite for his own.

Back in his own suite, he found Nate still passed out. Dropping his shoes, he grabbed a bottle of water, drinking it all with a bunch of vitamins to help with the come-down. Only then did he fall into his own bed, sighing a little as he let memories from last night pull him back to sleep.

After first taking a shower and changing her clothes did Serena then disturb Blair, "Come on, you need water."

Blair smiled, blinking her eyes open, "Hi, S."

"Hi, B. Drink this, and take these vitamins."

Accepting them, Blair did as she was told, "Thank you, S. Where did Chuck go?"

Serena rather hoped Blair didn't know he had slept here, in case… anything, really. She was worried Blair would be anxious or paranoid after the drugs wore off. "He's in his suite."

"He was so beautiful last night," Blair sighed and snuggled against her pillow, "I wish he hadn't left."

"Blair… did… anything happen last night?" Given Blair's apparel, Serena had to ask.

"I jumped in the water. Chuck didn't want me to get cold."

Serena was relieved, "Well, why don't you take a shower and make sure you're not too sore or feeling sick? Then you can sleep more if you want?"

With a broad smile, Blair shot up, "I like that idea!"

Watching as Blair scrambled into the bathroom, Serena decided Blair definitely was having some afterglow. How much of one, she really was not ready for. Not fifteen minutes later, Blair dashed into the living area, dressed and dried off, and then went straight out the door. Serena, dropping her face into her hands, knew exactly where her best friend was going. She picked up her phone, "Nate! Incoming."

Nate opened the door before Blair even had a chance to knock. And without even seeing him, she continued straight for Chuck's bed. Her heart racing, she didn't care in the slightest about anything except _this_ as she slipped into his bed and curled back up to him.

* * *

Chuck stretched a little as he awoke, laying on his side, nuzzling his pillow a bit at the happy memories still floating through his mind. It was the stretching that made him realize the weight around his waist and the feel of something pressing against his back. Reluctantly, he let go of the images he was envisioning and opened his eyes. It was difficult for him to process the fact that it was Blair's hand resting on his stomach and he had to gently roll over to _see_ her for it to truly sink in. But this was his room- he had left her this morning. He was completely dumbfounded that she was here, only compounding his mental faculties more with the happiness of the fact.

Chuck Bass had never been a romantic, a daydreamer, or particularly bent on domesticity but this… he understood now, that sentiment, the dream and desire of waking up next to someone. Well, now that Serena was not present to add her own special flavor to things. He just laid there for a few minutes, watching her sleep, noticing how she curled up to the pillow, the simple yet pretty little dress she had changed into, and how peaceful she looked.

When he reached out to finally touch her, there was a moment where he saw a million possibilities, a million dreams and potential futures, of just him and her in bed together. Smiling, flirting, laughing, playing, dressed, undressed, sex, pleasure, and happiness. While, yes, they were young and Blair was in a way broken, Chuck knew they could have it all one day because he was in love… with his best friend.

That heartbeat passed and his hand was on her soft cheek, his mouth against her ear, "Blair," _my love_, "wake up."

Blair smiled, nuzzling her face against his hand before turning her head and pressing a kiss into it, "Never."

"Never?"

"I like it here." She scooted closer to him.

"But daylight has chased the shadows away… you can't hide anymore."

_Shadows_. Reality washed over Blair. The dreams she had been having could not have been… He smiled at her, "So, recovered from last night yet?"

Blair hid her face in the pillow, "I was hoping it was all a dream." _He saw me in my underwear!_

Chuck bent down and purred in her ear, "_All_ of it?"

Wanting to run, she lifted her head, but he was so eager for her and therefore much faster. His mouth pressed to hers and Blair was flooded with the feelings of last night- the heat, the desire, how he felt wrapped around her. She pulled him close as she leaned back into the pillow, feeling it all again, feeling her heart race, her cheeks grow warm, and the pressure of his body, of his mouth, making her head swim.

When he stopped, he pulled back to look into her eyes, "_All_… of it?"

Blair couldn't look at him when she admitted the truth, instead watching her hand skim down his chest, "Alright. None… of it."

She furrowed her brow, only then looking up at him with a hard stare, "Though, what exactly _did_ happen to me last night?"

Chuck laid back, happy to be innocent in this case, "You are going to want to ask _them_," he gestured towards the other room, "And let it be known that in a moment of the highest temptation, Chuck Bass was a _gentleman_."

Pursing her lips, she glared in the direction of their friends, before turning her gaze on him. "Highest temptation? And you, a gentleman?" She remembered how they had been, but the risk and danger of it all eluded her.

A devilish smirk crept across Chuck's face as he moved to lean down and whisper in her ear. His hand rested on her knee a moment, slipping up under her dress as he spoke, "I know my drugs, and even being high myself, I didn't do all I could have, Blair. You would have happily taken me as your lover last night and awoken naked in my arms, a blissfully satisfied woman. But no," he removed his hand from the place it was threatening to roam, "I was a gentleman."

Blair had been completely lost in his spell as he painted this image of what could have been. When he stopped speaking, the spell broke, and she was disgusted with herself for being so wrapped up in… all of it. "Ugh, the operative word being _was_!"

She hastily removed herself from his bed and he let her go, idly laying back and watching her. "Ah, now she's back- there's my Waldorf."

Pushing invisible wrinkles from her skirt, she huffed and looked back up at him, "I am not your… anything!"

"Not in the light of day, but in the deepest, darkest shadows…"

His voice was deep and it stirred that part of her she only let him reach. With a small smirk of her own, Blair leaned down and crawled up over his body before claiming his mouth. Chuck was stunned by her quick change from Queen B to his playful Blair.

When she pulled away, she murmured, "Your smoke and mirrors, your shrouds, and shadows, and deep, dark corners."

Never had he ever wanted so badly to burn out the sun, to keep her in the dark with him, always. She moved to leave him, but he couldn't let her, not just yet. His hand slipped up her neck and he leaned up, catching her mouth, eliciting a sweet little sigh from her. When he felt her capitulate, felt her kissing him back, did he let go. "One day, the sun will set and the light will have to share you with me."

Opening her eyes, Blair gazed down at him, his pose relaxed as his beautiful body stretched out beneath her. But it was his eyes that kept her held there, starting at him while his words echoed in her ears. So dark and deep, full of certainty that those words were a promise, an inevitability.

"That will be the day the mirrors crack and even your deepest, darkest corners will be filled with light." Blair said, putting their world back in order, though his words, that look in his eyes… the power of his desire, touched her. She pulled away, standing tall as she walked through his door, shaking out her long curls and slipping back into Queen B to face her friends.

* * *

By the time Chuck finally got up, showered, and dressed, he found a rather crushed Serena curled up in Nate's arms on their sofa. He nodded at his friend, who nodded back: 'we're good here'. Chuck left to seek out Blair and after a time, discovered her walking along the beach. "Blair."

She turned to look at him, "You do not want to talk to me right now."

"Yes, I do. I saw Serena…"

"I'm surprised she was able to get so emotional after all the drugs." Blair sneered before her anger roiled up, "How could she? She's my best friend! I had _no_ control over myself!"

"You were safe, you're okay."

"My friends _drugged _me, there is nothing okay about that, Chuck. And you!"

Chuck cut in, "I had _no_ idea they had slipped you any Ecstasy. And if I had, I would have never taken any myself- but it's fine, we're both fine."

"Nate let you get high when he knew I was high and then they left us alone! It's a _miracle_ I'm still a virgin, I have no idea how you kept it in your pants." Blair practically spat the words at him.

Grabbing her arms, he stared at her hard, his voice strong, "Yes, you know."

"Please, you have a one track mind even without drugs." She tried to temper his intensity.

"No matter what I was feeling last night, you were high and I would never have risked that with you and you _know_ why." Chuck was nearly gritting his teeth as he spoke, her stubbornness pushing his boundaries.

Blair tried to wiggle free from his grasp, his insistence that she knew something, his presence, all overwhelming her, "I do not!"

He would not let go, and he was determined to break her unwillingness to see, "Because of this."

In a flash, he was kissing her. Blair whimpered as her anger was quelled by his tender kiss, all of those beautiful feelings she had surrendered to last night stirring deep inside her. With a gasp, she broke away from his kiss and buried her face against his neck, "I can't be her, Chuck. I can't give you that."

He held her there in his arms, closing his eyes, just feeling her being here with him in this moment, "I asked that you not shut me out. Last night was… something else, but all I hope you see is that you can trust me, even when you take your dress off and jump into the sea."

Pulling back, she shoved him in the shoulder a little, "I hope you enjoyed that- you'll never be so lucky again."

Chuck looked dejected, "Really? Because I was thinking I might go shopping and hoped you would try on some lingerie for me…"

"Ugh, Bass!" She groaned, but he just smiled at her, "Though, I suppose I should leave Serena to feel guilty awhile longer… but no lingerie!"

"Bikinis?"

"Chuck!"

"No… not loud enough, we're really going to have to work on that."

Blair groaned, turning, and started back towards the more civilized parts of the island.

* * *

Chuck kept an eye on Blair for the remainder of break, worried at any lingering effects from the drugs. She would not eat much the first day, but after that seemed fine. However, the day they were to fly back to New York, depression kicked in. It was all Serena could do to get her out of bed and dressed. During take off, she was crying into the blonde's hair as her insecurities ruled her.

Once they were in the air, Chuck took over, taking Blair to a private bedroom at the back of the plane. He tucked her in and closed all the blinds before crawling in next to her. She snuggled up to him and he pulled her close, murmuring to her, "You know this is all chemistry right? Your serotonin levels have depleted and…"

"Because my friends drugged me!"

"Blair, they just wanted you to relax and have fun. And you did, didn't you?"

She sniffled and had to stop and think about that night. It had been wild… and she had felt free. She had not worried about being with Chuck, they had been so close, and he took care of her. She nuzzled against him a little, "That's not the point… it wasn't my choice."

"Either way," he ran his hand over her hair, "For just one night, the Queen cast her crown aside and played amongst the commoners. It's was beautiful… I think I shall never forget it." _The night I realized I was in love with you._

Blair scoffed, "You just enjoyed rubbing up against me and seeing me in my underwear. Boys always want what they can't have."

"Oh, is that it? It's all about sex?"

"Of course. As if there could be some other reason?" She tried to turn away from him, wishing now for some space to wallow in.

But Chuck was not about to leave her alone with such ideas. Holding her chin, he tried to turn her face to him, "Blair, look at me."

Petulant, she closed her eyes, "No."

He sighed, "Fine, but you will hear me. You know very well that I am a man, Blair, and those desires and appetites are strong in me. But the want I have for you- that I want you in my life, goes beyond feeling you pressed against me. I want that little girl who took my scarf, the girl who gave me my favorite bow tie, the one that plays Bach on her cello for me, the beautiful lady that debuted at the Viennese Opera Ball on my arm, who will scold me in one breath and in the next take _my_ breath away with her kisses."

Blair fluttered her eyes open as he spoke, a pout forming on her lips as his words grew progressively sweeter, "Chuck."

"I know," he sighed again, "I shouldn't say such things. But you are hurting and feel in pieces. I'm here, caring, just the same as you would do for me. Now, lay here, and sleep. Let your body recover, I'm here if you need me- to keep you warm, or shut out your dark thoughts."

Her eyes were still sad but she consented, curling back up against him, letting the soothing motion of his hand passing through her curls lull her to sleep. She had trouble sleeping, but every time she awoke, Chuck was there. When they landed, Blair was quiet as he passed her into Serena's care. The blonde was determined to pay penitence for what she did, caring for her best friend's every whim the rest of the weekend.

* * *

Blair recovered from her dip into depression in time to be Queen B on Monday. Life returned to its normal stream of events, school and Queenship, outings with Serena, sneaking off for the occasional drink with Chuck. All of spring break seemed like a hazy dream once they returned to the city. It surfaced in her dreams some nights, other times, she would see Chuck looking at her and she knew he was recalling that place and time. But in the light of day, it was all simply too strange to feel it ever could have been real.

The few times he captured her in the weeks that followed were soft and gentle, a fleeting kiss to simply say 'I was thinking of you'. It was always just enough to unsettle her balanced world and made a small part of her long for that full moon over Ibiza. It was also enough to frustrate her and make her wish to slip into the shadows.

* * *

It was a late night at Victrola. Chuck sat in his booth watching over the crowds of people, the show on stage, couples making out in other booths before pulling velvet curtains closed to enjoy each other privately. Blair sat next to him, having joined him for a few rounds of drinks. She was quiet tonight, absorbed in watching others as much as he was.

There was a couple putting on an exceptional show in one of the booths and both Chuck and Blair were watching them intently. The girl was in the man's lap, the straps of her dress falling down her arms as he held her tight to his body, their mouths fused, kissing with such passion and desperation.

"I don't get it." Blair admitted to him.

"You don't get what, exactly?" Chuck asked.

"_That_." She continued to watch the couple before they finally, fumbling, pulled the curtain closed around their table.

But Chuck was now staring at Blair, studying her, pondering what she had confessed. "Pull the curtain shut, Blair."

Her eyes went wide, "Excuse me?"

"Close it."

"But people will-"

"People come here to escape into their own fantasies. No one is watching us and no one will recall it is _you_ sitting with me if they should even notice. Now close it."

Blair looked at him hard for a moment before deciding she wanted to escape for a time, to just be… in the shadows. She moved to grasp the curtains and pulled them firmly shut, the din and colors disappearing, leaving them in the softly lit booth, just the two of them. Turning back to Chuck, she wondered what would come next.

Pushing his drink to the far side of the table, Chuck patted the table top in front of him, "Sit."

"But…"

"Waldorf, sit."

With a small huff of resignation, Blair climbed up and sat atop the table directly in front of Chuck.

He took a moment to study her, planning his next move. She wore a little plaid grey Burberry skirt, stopping short of the knees she had primly pressed together before him, with an innocent white blouse, and a preppy blazer.

"First, this goes." Reaching up, he pulled the jacket off, "Now, you were saying?"

Blair blushed a little from his attention, his warm gaze, his hands running down her arms as he pushed the jacket away- no, it wasn't him, it was those drinks she had. And innocence aside, she was Queen B. So she held strong, "I just don't get what the big deal is."

Chuck sat back, watching her haughty air as she held on to her composure in spite of what he saw as being very obvious, "But you're curious."

She scoffed, "You wish."

"No, you wish." He easily countered.

With a roll of her eyes, Blair replied with disbelief, "You forget who you're talking to."

Leaning forward, Chuck swiftly reached up and tore her blouse open, sending the shiny little white buttons scattering into the darkness. "So do you."

She gasped and before she could pull her ruined shirt around her, Chuck was kissing her; his mouth hot and urgent, leaving her breathless, her mind hazy with delight. Or hazy… from the alcohol? He pulled away and Blair slowly opened her eyes to gaze at him. He sat back again, a wicked half smile on his face.

"What you don't understand," he purred, "is the _feeling_ of it."

Pausing, he leaned back in, his face close to hers, "You only imagine a thick hard cock plowing into a tight little cunt, in and out, again and again. Oh, but it's so much _more_ than that."

With once again shocking speed, Chuck pulled the fabric of her lacy little bra down, exposing her breasts, causing them to be pushed up in offering. "Just think about touching. Touching a person's hand or face is rare enough, but your sex is wrapped up and hidden away day in and day out."

Embarrassment tinged Blair's cheeks pink, but her breathing was heavy as she watched him as he gazed at her breasts. His words burned in her ears and he was right. _Touch me_, her mind screamed.

"Your breasts, buried under jacket and blouse, denied almost all sensation; the soft, delicate orbs of flesh constantly trussed up in a bra, numb and isolated." Carefully, slowly, he licked his lips, before he began to lift his hands, "Denied the heat of skin touching skin."

Blair's eyes fluttered shut just as his hands cupped her breasts. His grasp was firm as his hands massaged her, his touch, the feel of him on her caused her nipples to tighten.

He continued speaking though his mouth had grown hot and dry while his eyes grew dark, his desire twisting with a memory, "But this… this isn't entirely new, is it?"

At this reminder, she bit her lip, turning her head before opening her eyes. Blair gazed at the tumbler that had once held his drink, all that remained was a tiny mountain of ice shards. The idea of their coolness was soothing. With that thought she watched as Chuck reached down to retrieve one.

He lifted it to her neck, making her release a soft little gasp as the ice melted on her warm skin. He let the liquid slide, pulling his hand down her chest with it. Little bumps rose from her skin as the ice moved lower and lower, before he finally pressed the remaining sliver of ice against her nipple.

The smallest cry broke from her lips at the freezing sensation before a heady wave of heat engulfed her senses. She did not need to look to know what had happened, her fingers had already made their way into his hair and a deep moan of pleasure fell from her lips. His mouth was wondrous, the heat and sensation of it. Lost to him, her knees finally fell open as his mouth and tongue and hands pulled her deeper into this haze of feelings. She mewled when there was a pause, his mouth moving from one side to the other.

When Chuck had slightly sated this desire for her, he leaned back once more to study the prim beauty, the absolute perfection, that he was slowly violating. Her sexuality was unraveling before him as she sat there, her knees splayed open, her chest exposed, heaving, with lust burning in her eyes.

Satisfied, he went further. "And here that was only heat. Yet there is so much you can feel- when they are squeezed," her breasts filled his hands and he squeezed them roughly, watching as her mouth fell open with a small gasp.

"And pinched," rolling her nipples between his fingers now, he once again mimicked his words, this time eliciting a tiny cry of surprise before she pouted, bouncing a little against the table in frustration, wanting more of his attention. Chuck grinned at this, watching her breasts bounce. The temptation was too much- he wanted more. Pushing her ruined shirt away, he swiftly unsnapped her bra before also discarding it. Now completely revealed to him, he took them in his hands, pushing them up before letting go, watching the fullness of them bounce.

"Mm, and how could I forget how they taunt a man during sex. When I'm on top, the way they move so gently. Yet oh, if you were on top, they would bounce and drive me mad until I grab them," Chuck mirrored this action, aggressively, "and have my way with them, pinching, sucking, licking, biting, as you would bounce in my lap."

The idea of it all was indeed beginning to drive him mad as he buried his face there, tasting more of her. He pushed further as his mouth explored her in the way that he described, nipping at her, sucking hard. He made her cry with desperation as he worked out his desire, certain to bruise her, happy to leave her reminders of something he knew he would never forget.

Blair had never felt so alive. Yes, her mind was perfectly hazy, but her entire being was focused on one thing: Chuck. His mouth was fantastic, everything… everything he did only drove her to want more, to want it to never stop. That is why instead of being startled, her body hummed with excitement when his hand found its way under her skirt. Two of his fingers pressed against her underwear and Blair moaned deeply at the slight contact. Grasping his hair, she dragged his mouth to hers as he roughly stroked her, back and forth, through her soaked panties.

Then… with precise cruelty,

Chuck pulled entirely away from her. Mouth, hands, his entire body. Her eyes remained shut in agony, her whole being wanting him, and in her shock she cried out, "Chuck!"

He held her chin, leaning in for the briefest moment to kiss her lips, "That… sounds much better."

Perfect fury. Blair's eyes snapped open as she pouted- slightly horrified, yet angry, her small fist pounding against his shoulders, "How could you‽"

"Because, until now Waldorf, you couldn't imagine what was so alluring about sex." Leaning in again, this time he pressed his wide tongue against one nipple, licking hard.

Her mouth fell open a little once more, the haze of desire instantly coming over her, even at this tiny amount of attention. When the sensation stopped and her head cleared, Chuck was holding up her preppy little blazer.

"Put this back on."

She glared at him.

"Trust me."

Frustrated, hoping somehow for more, Blair did as he suggested, buttoning it up, the jacket coming to barely cover the tops of her breasts. Chuck picked up her bra and blouse, folding them together in a small bundle. Her cheeks burned deep pink as she quickly snatched the items from him and shoved them in her handbag. His hand now suddenly empty, he took her free hand and lead her from the club, into his limo.

He held the car door open for her and she slipped inside first. By the time he closed the door, Blair was in his lap, kissing him wildly as she pulled the jacket open. Chuck was breathless, delighted by her eager response to continue.

"Mm, stop," he purred, pulling back as he held her in place, "I want to see you."

She pouted at him as he gazed at her a few moments. The grey plaid skirt draped over his legs, the wonderfully preppy blazer, open to expose naked skin, the beautiful curve of her breasts underneath, the sight of her tousled curls falling over her shoulders, her lips swollen from his kisses, and the bright excitement of desire in her eyes. In his adoration, she grew impatient, bouncing a little to get his attention. This time, she was not sitting on the table however, but straddling him, sitting his lap, and his playboy smirk crossed his face.

With haste, he shoved the blazer off and sliding his hands under her skirt, up, and back, to grab her ass, he dared her, "Do that again."

She grinned and bounced up and down for him. He groaned, her perfect orbs bouncing, a delicious and tempting sight as she moved against his lap, bumping against his hard cock so innocently. Chuck lasted just long enough to record the sight of her, half naked, bouncing in his lap before his hands ground her ass against him and he leaned forward to catch one of the teasing nipples in his mouth.

Blair panted with delight, her fingers curling in his hair, encouraging his attentions as she rolled her hips against his, heat and wetness flooding between her thighs. All she could think was how good it all felt, how good Chuck felt. She begged, "More."

He moaned, "God… Waldorf."

Turning, he pushed her back onto the seat, laying her out before him. Hungrily, his mouth found hers, kissing deeply, with so much passion, as he pinned her there. His hips were still pressed against hers and with one hand in her hair, the other grasping her thigh, he began to grind against her. Desire ran hot in his blood, tasting her, feeling her- fuck, she was probably soaking into his trousers right now. She teased him with her tongue as they kissed, playing coy, causing him to thrust harder against her in revenge. It was heaven, causing this friction with her, and hell, all he would have to do is pull open his trousers and… Chuck let out a fierce groan in his agony.

Arthur knocked firmly on the partition, "Mr. Bass."

Shit… thank God for Arthur. Chuck had told him to never take… detours, when he was alone with Blair. They hadn't even felt the limo come to a stop. Gritting his teeth, Chuck coolly pulled himself off Blair, sliding a hand through his hair before picking up her blazer for her. He watched her flushed cheeks darken as she sat up and took the garment, slipping it over her shoulders. Then he kissed her, pulling the blazer closed around her, deftly buttoning it as his mouth pressed, insistently, to hers.

When he stopped, he leaned his forehead against her, "You need to go."

"But, I don't-"

"Go. This was too much. Let someone else pay for your time in the shadows."

With that, Chuck pushed the limo door open.

Blair felt a mix of embarrassment and shame as she picked up her shirt and bra, scooting past him to the door. She had never meant for… and now… Now she was going to need a cold shower and hoped she would be able to sleep, a sinking feeling that her newfound knowledge would haunt her.

Chuck fought to keep back a moan as she crawled passed him, God, she even smelled like sex now.

Before she pushed the door closed, she murmured, "Goodnight, Chuck."

Imagining how she would have to… lull herself to sleep, Chuck's smirk found a way back to his face, "Sweet dreams, Waldorf."

Alone in the darkness once more, he dropped his head in his hands and let out a deep growl of frustration. When he picked up his phone, his request was specific: brunette with a plaid skirt and a blazer. It was the only way he was going to get any rest tonight.

* * *

Chuck's risk had sparked defiance in the Queen. She was all bright light and sass, the way she passed him in the halls, the flip of her hair over her shoulder, looking at him with distain. He knew very well she was trying to squash the fire he had finally set alight in her. She would fight it, fight him, but for now he would let her pretend she was winning.

Soon the school year was winding down and the last of the big parties before dispersing across the globe for the summer was upon them. Serena had cajoled Nate into taking her, Blair had the next man in her cycle lined up- Keith Nelson's turn, and Chuck… was actually going. He was taking some pretty little Swedish exchange student named Emma.

The event was fairly tame; Keith was delightfully annoying, a bit like Chuck's gaze on her for a good portion of the night. Just for fun, she brushed passed him at one point, grazing against him more than necessary, "Excuse me, Bass."

She heard him chuckle quietly. Which in the end made her even more annoyed- with him, and with herself. For once she was looking forward to the after party, she needed a drink to take the edge off. At least her little tease had caused Chuck to vanish for a little while?

When they all finally climbed into Chuck's limo to head to Victrola, Blair noticed he sat back, grinning like the Bass that ate the canary, while Emma seemed quite pleased. Blair did not want to let her imagination fill in those blanks. Maybe she would need more than one drink?

Upon arriving, the three girls went straight to the ladies room to freshen up. Primping in the mirrors, the girls chatted. And unfortunately for Blair, Emma's English was flawless.

"How has your night been, Emma?" Serena sweetly asked.

Emma was radiant as she beamed, replying, "Wonderful. I never imagined I would get to have the _full_ Chuck Bass experience tonight- not when going to such a stuffy event."

"_Full_ experience?" Serena couldn't help but ask for clarification. When had that happened during the party?

Emma just continued to beam, "Yes. Near the end, he pulled me into a dark hallway and… he is as amazing as all the girls have said! His voice, his hands, his…" she paused and turned pink, "And I've never orgasmed like _that_."

Blair kept her face cool, though her teeth were clenched behind her false smile. She had just touched up her eyes and was twisting the eye liner pencil to sooth her. Twisting it between her hands, harder than the motion appeared. By the end of Emma's reverie, there was a loud snap, the pencil having cracked in two.

Serena looked concerned, Emma was unfazed, and Blair laughed it off, "Guess it's just been through too much?"

The pencil- or her?

Returning to the boys, the girls enjoyed their drinks- Blair faster than the others, and got to the real partying. While Blair deigned to dance in the club with Keith, her eyes flickered over to Chuck, her gaze burning and dark. He met her look with questioning eyes, not knowing that she knew about his dalliance. Infuriated by Chuck's apparent confusion, she shoved Keith's hands away and went to the bar for another drink. Her shadow was not far behind.

Blair downed her second drink, ordering a third by the time Chuck was at her side, "Blair. What are you doing?"

She went to pick up her next martini, but he snatched her hand and pulled her close so she could not fight him. He could see immediately the anger deep in her eyes. "What, one girl wasn't enough for you tonight?"

That shocked Chuck, "What?"

"Your date has a big mouth. How could you? We were at the same party, what if I had…"

"You were toying with me! Flitting around with vapid Keith Nelson of all people while you watched me, and then when you rubbed up against me like a cat in heat, what was I _supposed_ to do? We're not _anything_, remember?" Chuck's frustrated desire rose quickly, his words biting hard.

"_Exactly._ Now if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to my drink." Blair tore herself from him and grabbed her drink, downing it under his hot gaze. They were both perfectly angry now and Chuck turned, unable to cope with a jealous, infuriated Blair.

In the next few hours, Blair got herself properly drunk- the first time in a long time. Soon, it was time to head home, everyone tired from a night of polite society and youthful excess. Chuck's anger had cooled to upset while he watched Blair knock back drink after drink. Keith and Emma were returned to the perfect families, the remaining foursome ended up in the grande Bass suite at the Palace. In his heart, Chuck couldn't leave her alone in such a drunken state and both Nate and Serena were fairly plastered as well.

Through her stupor, Blair realized she had never been in his suite before. It was quite lovely, even more so she imagined, when one was not drunk. Her stomach had begun to fight her however, and with Serena's help, she somehow made it to the nearest bathroom in time to pay the first fee for drinking too much. Even with her best friend's assistance, her dress was ruined in the process of expelling so much alcohol.

Chuck helped Nate to a bed before he heard Blair. He busied himself a little, but the sound brought back painful memories. When Blair was making herself sick and he found her… and that first cotillion. When the sound finally subsided, he knocked and passed Serena a pair of silken pajamas for Blair, "Nate's sleeping in the other bedroom, I'll be on the sofa should anything happen."

Serena gave him a little smile, accepting the clothes. Shutting the door, she helped Blair out of the now ruined gown and into Chuck's pajamas before tucking her into the bed in the attached room. The blonde then tiptoed passed a dozing Chuck on the sofa before curling up with Nate. Somehow, sleeping with Nate always made her hangovers in the morning better.

* * *

Blair awoke early. It was the splitting headache… oh, she had certainly had plenty of drinks last night. Pulling the sheets aside, she was confused by her apparel. Too big for her, though nice- clearly a guys. And why was she not in her own room? Getting to her feet, she staggered towards the dresser to gaze in the mirror above it. Pulling her hands back over her hair, she looked awful. Well, she looked as awful as she felt, anyway.

With a sigh, she dropped her hands to the edge of the dresser. Light. Startled, Blair gazed down to see her touch had caused a light to turn on inside the dresser; it contained a glass case in the top. Her eyes bleary, Blair leaned down to inspect its contents.

Photos… Bart, many years ago, with a beautiful pregnant woman- Chuck's mother. Her eyes grew wide as she realized this was Chuck's room? Suddenly she was even more eager to see what else the case contained. Bart and his wife as a young couple. The Times article with Bart and Chuck from fifth grade. That made her smile… but the smile quickly faded when next to it was _her_ first appearance in the Times. And then more photos of her… one of her and Serena from the ice rink- though Serena was covered. Her and Chuck at Cotillion the past two years- from Serena's spy photos. Her and Chuck from the opera ball. And from before that- this winter… her and Chuck in London. She stared at that one for several moments, studying their faces. It made her heart pound furiously in her chest to see the expressions they both had and to remember that feeling. The laughter, the sweetness, his care, and thoughtfulness.

Tearing her eyes away from the photo, she looked at what else was tucked inside. Some other photos of him and Nate, nights they probably got into trouble together, some ticket stubs, and then… Blair thought she was going to be ill again. First, her eyes fell to a glittering diamond- a ring, shimmering proudly on a velvet display stand. Flickering back to a photo of Bart and his wife, it was the same ring she wore on her left hand. Gazing back at the ring, she thought it was sweet that Chuck was so sentimental- who would have suspected? But that's when her stomach dropped, because there was something else on that little velvet stand.

Below it, tied in a perfect little bow, was Blair's ribbon.

Her chest felt tight, her breath was short. Her ribbon, next to his mother's ring. She felt her head begin to swim. She was in his room, while wearing his pajamas. She began to panic, clawing at the buttons of the shirt to open it. Out. She had to get out. Stumbling towards her dress, she saw how ruined it was. She threw his closet doors open, her breathing still short as she saw the line of his uniforms, his suits, dress clothes, bow ties… she knew it all so well, and it all terrified her more. Coats, there were his coats? She pulled a classic trench from its hanger after she removed his silk pajamas and hastily threw it on. Buttons, tie the belt, where was her clutch… there, and… her pumps… she slipped them on, and bolted from the suite, everyone else still peacefully slumbering.

* * *

AN: Thanks to Anjum and Mary for proofing! Also, thanks to Emma (Tranquility on FanForum) for the chapter title. Swedish for 'Say Goodbye to my Heart'. And Happy Limoversary! Six years ago today our ship was born! How lucky I feel to have my birth month shared with the best ship in history ^_^

Now for the brief disclaimer I forgot on the last chapter! Don't drug you friends, and don't do drugs. This is fiction, I did tons of research before writing that situation. So please be smart, about the friends you keep, and the situations you put yourself into. :steps off soapbox:

And now my heaps of love and thanks for the huge outpouring of reviews on the last chapter. Wow, I can't tell you all how floored I am! I tried to analyze it, but nothing could satisfy my analytical brain. However my heart lept and rejoiced at every review, long and short, that you wrote. Words are going to completely fail me here, and I just wish I could hug each and every one of you!

Back to the chapter- well? How was the morning after? And... ahem... Victrola and the limo? For those of you who have been reading my stories since the early days, I'm keen to hear your views on how (if?) my smut writing has evolved!  
And then... ;_; Blair closing scene. I've re-read it several times since I wrote it and it really effects me.  
Thank you again, so much! Until next time, find me on social media -_^ xoxo ~K


	12. Открой глаза, отключи разум

Открой глаза, отключи разум

The last week of classes before finals. Blair had hidden for the remainder of the weekend, uneasy with the wash of emotions that seemed to be rolling and clenching in her stomach. Chuck had fucked a girl, perhaps what, one room away from her? And the photos. And the ribbon. The thoughts still tumbled and clattered through her head over and over, as she hurriedly moved from one class to the next on Monday.

It took the review session in her world history class to roil up all of Blair's frustration. Talk of empires and dynasties, Queens and Kings, rising and falling, war and destruction, all weighed down on her, pressing thoughts of Chuck further forward in her mind. Excusing herself for a moment, she risked slipping away to the bathroom.

No. Not for _that_. She had conquered that, after all these years.

But to pause to splash cool water on her face, to breathe, and refocus as she touched up her makeup. Distance, she decided. She needed distance from him to keep herself safe, to stay strong.

However she had yet to actually think about _Chuck_. And he had very much been thinking of her. He had been waiting all day for her. Perhaps if she had been thinking straighter, she would have known. She would have been unsurprised as she walked back to history class, when his hands were suddenly slipping around her waist and pulling her into their dark, secret alcove under the stairs. His mouth on hers shocked her. His heat, his hunger, and her body's natural response to it overwhelmed her for those first few seconds.

But then the wheels spinning in her mind caught up with the racing speed of her heart.

Emma.

Photos.

Ring.

Ribbon.

The thoughts snaked down her spine in a wave of fear that clawed at the tiny, underdeveloped heart buried deep inside her.

"No!" Blair shoved him hard away from her, the sound of her heart screaming in her ears preventing her from hearing Chuck's small yet completely broken cry of rejection.

In those few short seconds, Chuck pulled his cool demeanor on, just as Blair opened her eyes. It was short, "Blair."

"No," Her jaw was set hard and she made a point to stare into his eyes, "I can barely stand to look at you after that night."

He shifted, positioning himself over her, his arms trapping her, using his body to help force his words through her defenses, "It wasn't anything. You don't understand."

Photos. Ribbon. Fucking Emma.

"I'm quite certain I don't understand- even if I _wanted_ to. But I don't." Her eyes narrowed, "So, I recommend you just stay _away _from me."

With the full force of her body, she shoved his arm away, breaking the cage he held her in. Chuck felt ice wash over him, watching her walk away from him. She flipped her curls over her shoulder and inside, under his quiet fury, he marveled at her. Her heels tapped soundly, solidly against the floor, her back was ramrod straight, but there was still some of that fire burning in her. He saw it, found it in the slight movement in the pleats of her prim and proper plaid skirt as her hips swayed. He felt it draw his desire towards her, yearning for her even as she left him. Fuck.

* * *

Blair had never cut herself off from Chuck so much before. She kept her life tight and closed off, pushing through finals, and hiding away in the house in the Hamptons the first week of vacation. Soon however, Serena was pouting, she wanted to be out, and see people. When Blair consented, naturally the first thing to be done was have the boys over.

Chuck looked good… very… good. But he was clear about giving her room, though in his eyes she saw the friend in him that cared so much about her. So she kept herself cool and detached. He seemed resigned to this, happy to be in the same room with her again. The blondes turned on a movie to watch for the afternoon and everyone played nice.

At one point, Blair moved to the kitchen for a drink. When she closed the refrigerator door, there he stood, waiting for her. "Blair."

She hid behind slowly drinking her glass of water, his gaze bearing down on her. Coolly, she seat the emptied glass down, and looked at him, daring him to try and talk to her.

"Blair, about that night…" The time she had put between them had only raised more questions in his mind.

"What about it?" Blair crossed her arms, trying to push out the attached memory of the morning after.

"What happened to you, where did you go in the night?" He reached out and curled his hands around her arms in a gesture of concern.

"Bad dreams. I wanted to go home." Her reply was short.

"Blair… tell me what _really_ happened." Chuck's voice was sincere. _Don't shut me out._

"I didn't want those feelings. That night, when I woke up- I wasn't going to let myself feel those… things. I had been feeling so many things in those last few months with you. And… I can't, I can't do it." Blair stepped back, pulling out of his grasp, "We'll always be friends, but…"

He looked wounded by her words. And in spite of herself, she caved a little. With a small resigned smile, she reached up and touched his face. "If I had a heart…"

This brought a small smile to his lips and turning his head into her hand, he pressed his mouth to her wrist as a reminder. Eighth grade, her charm bracelet. _I don't have a heart, _she had declared.

_Then… what is this?_ Her soft skin against his lips, the feel of her pulse pounding in her wrist. Just like right now.

"It's okay." He murmured, "You're in mine. Just… don't hide from me, Blair."

He watched the struggle of her emotions on her face. She had no answer for him and pulled away to return to their friends. Someday… she would have to give him an answer; someday she would see the truth of them.

* * *

A few days later, Serena and Blair camped out on the beach to relax. They played in the waves a little before lying out in the sun. Soon, Serena was napping in spite of the heat and Blair had to get up to cool herself in the water. Waist deep, she let the waves roll and splash against her and sap the heat from her golden skin. Once cool enough, she left the surf to walk back to Serena and ran into Nate and Chuck carrying bodyboards.

Nate was talking to Chuck, "… with the waves coming in, I promise it will be awesome."

"Hi boys," Blair smiled at them, "What are you getting up to today?"

With his best smile, Nate answered, "I'm going to take Chuck to get thrashed by the ocean."

"Really? Well, I'm sure he deserves it." She glanced at Chuck's long, tanned body and wished the ocean fun with him. Blair sauntered back to the dozing Serena as the boys ran into the water. From behind her sunglasses, Blair occasionally looked up over the edge of her book as she sat and stared at the boys playing in the waves. When Serena awoke, she herself was quick to borrow a board and go out to join them. Blair wadded out into the water as far as she would go before the overwhelming size, depth, and variables of the ocean scared her.

She watched her friends play, something aching inside as she stood alone. While Nate and Serena were always who they are- careless, and free, when she watched Chuck, there was something terrifying in her chest. Her own fear of the magnitude of the sea transferred to him and all the things that worried her if she were to swim further than she could stand, she worried could happen to him. She let a pair of large waves slam into her, to tell herself to stop being so silly. Annoyed with these feelings, Blair trudged back to her spot and picked up her book.

Hiding behind her novel, she began to relax, the heat and sound of the ocean making her eyes feel heavy. She was gazing at the spots in the ocean that were her friends as she lazily contemplated taking a nap when it happened. Three dots and a wave… and then two dots. Panic rushed through Blair as the seconds moved slowly past and the two dots disappeared looking for the third. It was hard to breathe as she felt her heart slamming in her chest. She was paralyzed with terror as she watched and waited. It was taking too long, but then a blurry dot appeared holding someone. It was hard to focus her eyes as she watched them emerge from the water. As the person grew closer, Blair finally found her legs and ran across the beach to her friends.

Nate laid an unconscious Chuck on the ground, Blair dropping into the sand above his head. The lifeguard was not a second behind her, the girl instantly going to work as Blair held his head in her hands, staring at his pale face. She felt as though her heart was not beating in those infinitely long seconds before his head pushed against her hand, turning to cough and expel the ocean from his lungs.

Opening his eyes, Chuck saw the pretty little lifeguard who had just given him mouth-to-mouth. And in perfect Chuck Bass style, he murmured, "I'm going to have to remember properly thank you later."

She smiled at him, Nate and Serena rolled their eyes, while Blair felt perfectly wounded. Which bothered her- that, that was not the right response. Disgusted, she pulled her hands from his head, gasping when one was covered in his blood, "Chuck!"

The lifeguard scooted Blair away so she could examine his head wound. Just a nasty gash, no stitches needed, but he should probably stay inside and relax the rest of the day.

* * *

Chuck awoke from a light nap to find Blair sitting next to him. She had a small kit to clean his injury and just by looking, no greetings needed, he turned his head for her and let her go to work.

Hiding a little smile from her, he said, "Awfully maternal of you, Waldorf."

"I would do this for any of my friends." She defended.

"You'd be at Nate's bedside?"

"Yes, if he wanted me there."

"Then… you believe I want you here?" He paused, "What if I wanted Serena here?"

With perfect vengeful timing, Blair pressed alcohol into the wound, the stinging pain making him wince. Her work done, she began to stand and leave, "You didn't have to say it like that."

He caught her wrist, stopping her. The action triggered the memory of Cotillion back in ninth grade and made her heart jolt. She could have lost him today and now he was being so cruel.

"Blair, you can't believe…"

But she was so angry now- with him, with herself, "I'll believe and do whatever I like. You certainly do. And more than that," she bit, "I'm Queen."

At that, she jerked her hand free and left him.

* * *

In spite of orders, Chuck went out that night. He found Blair on a patio overlooking the dark ocean and watched as she finished her drink. Probably not her first if he had to guess. She turned and saw him, her eyes hard, "Not following doctor's orders, are you?"

Not only was he up, he held a glass of clear liquid in his hand. Raising it, he sadly admitted the truth, "Not vodka, for once."

Blair rolled her eyes and stormed passed him. She still had not had enough time to deal with… everything the accident had stirred up. She almost lost him today and the thought of a day- a life, without him in it, she could not… the ribbon, the ring… her heart… a drink, she needed another drink.

Chuck followed her, his eyes seeking out a place… Yes, he knew this club, and the bartender. Blair had just received her next drink when he took her arm and smiled at the bartender, "William, if you don't mind?" nodding his head.

William grinned at the pair and waved them off. Grasping Blair's arm, Chuck hauled her into a small private area.

"Won't you sit?" Chuck asked, letting go of her arm. He sat back on a plush sofa and gazed up at her.

With a scowl, Blair sat next to him, huffing a little, "It's not like I _want_ to have a drink with you."

"Don't you want to make sure I don't hurt myself tonight? And," he took her drink and sat it down, "let's not drink then."

She crossed her arms, "What else would we do?"

"You could tell me you were scared." His voice was earnest.

Blair dropped her arms and looked at him, "I… I was worried for my friend."

"It was more than that. I saw your face when you realized I was bleeding." He watched her closely.

She had already drunk plenty before this and was distraught enough that the truth tumbled out, "It was horrible. I couldn't tell at first who had not come back up. And when Nate was carrying you; I couldn't move. But somehow I made it to you."

He could see the pain on her face as she spoke and he took her hand. She pulled away from him. The feelings, all of those feelings were surging back up inside her, the fear, the terror, all the… other things, he made her feel. No. _No_.

"But you didn't see me," She pulled herself up, Queen B's strength taking over, "And you didn't want me there."

"Blair," he growled, "That's not what I meant. Why… why can't you see?"

She glared at him, "See wha-"

He cut her off with a kiss. She tried to pull back, but he held her there, his mouth determined as it pressed against hers. But she couldn't, she could not look at this. She could feel it, those feelings, as she breathed him in, felt his presence sinking into her. He began pulling her close as he murmured, "Come to me, Blair."

His kiss was a spell, and under his guiding hand, she came to sit in his lap, the short skirt of her dress creeping dangerously high towards her hips. Still they kissed while one of his hands began to slowly roam down the curves of her body.

"I'm sorry," he breathed between heated kisses.

"When it was happening…" his hand cupped and massaged one of her breasts. Blair was already swimming in the taste, the scent, the sound, and the feel of him.

His hand skimmed over her stomach, then slipping between her legs, his fingers resting against her panties, "This… you… those were my last thoughts."

Not allowing her to process this admission, Chuck overwhelmed her by slipping his fingers underneath the fabric and at last touching the soft, sweet flesh of her sex. Wet and swollen, he pressed one finger against her, curling it, allowing it to reach up and gently caress her clit. He grinned when her body shook against him and she gasped.

"More?" He whispered.

"Yes… more." Blair whispered back, her hips rocking a little to urge him onwards.

Their moan was mutual when his finger sank inside her heat. That he was touching her like this… the feel of her. Gently, with great restraint, he continued to stroke her. She looked glorious, her hands on his shoulders, gathering the fabric of his shirt between her fingers. Her head was tilted back, her hips rocking in pace with him. She glowed as she fell into this natural rhythm with him.

But his sweetness and care slowly began to give away. Blair was beautiful… and sexy. He had to fight groaning when his eyes fell to her breasts; she was wearing no bra beneath her dress, he could see her taunt nipples as they strained against the fabric, and the heaving of her breasts as she panted. The feel of her around his finger, so tight, wet, and hot. He swallowed with great difficulty, his mouth dry. His cock was hard, straining against his trousers, longing to take the place of his finger- longing to finally possess her.

That was enough warning for him- the torture could only grow more painful from here. Chuck pulled his hand free, his finger coated with her sweet nectar. Just knowing that nearly sent him over as he imagined shoving her down and burying his face there, tasting her source. He felt positively undone, unable to manage a word as he pushed her away and hastily departed.

Chuck walked straight to the mens' room, taking a moment to himself. He slid the finger into his mouth, sucking her essence from his skin, closing his eyes, savoring it. He moaned at the taste of her. A little bit… he now had this little bit of her. Yet this only served to increase the severity of his hard-on. With that thought, Chuck quickly left the club. He would have to go somewhere else to find a partner to relieve his frustration.

Blair sat on the sofa, stunned and blissful. Everything always went so hazy when he kissed her, and this time it made everything disappear for a little while. He… he had touched her. Chuck had teased her with the idea of it that night at Victrola and part of her honestly wanted him to touch her there, when they were in the limo. But then… he sent her away, and later, he fucked that girl at party she was also attending. Yet it was Blair who ended up sleeping in his room that night and… that case. She had never wondered what had become of her ribbon. He was a guy- a playboy, it should have been shoved in a drawer, or forgotten in a box somewhere. Forgotten in the shadows, not kept safe in the light.

Upsetting herself with these thoughts, Blair left the club to return home. The alcohol had made her sleepy enough and closing her eyes, she replayed those last few minutes with Chuck. _Why can't you see? _See what? What was she missing? Heat washed through her body as she remembered his touch, his mouth. _This… you… those were my last thoughts._ This… what? And her? When he was drowning… she was his last thought? Her eyes flew open to stare at the ceiling. Why did he keep doing this to her? Blair turned the phrase over and over again, trying to twist it. _This… you. _Being like that with her, maybe? He liked playing with her more than other girls, yes, that was it. Their playing and teasing and touching, he liked it. That conclusion calmed her heart… and with everything floating on the surface of her thoughts, she pondered the ribbon once more. What else was in the case? She recalled the images of his family… and his friends. Nate, and Blair… those were his best friends. Friends… with that thought, she felt safe and in her security, she drifted off to sleep.

* * *

After a long and satisfying sleep and a lazy morning hiding in her room, Blair slipped downstairs for a cool afternoon swim. She smiled, swishing the soft folds of her Grace Kelly-esque swimsuit cover-up as she hopped down the stairs. She continued to watch the hem of the fabric float as her feet pressed against the warm rock path that led to the pool. Blair reached almost the edge of the water before she noticed anyone was in it.

Chuck was floating, blissfully happy, his eyes closed, his long body stretched out in the crystal clear water. His hair had grown out longer than he kept it at school, and while it was nothing like Nate's man bangs, she noticed how beautiful it looked fanning out in the water, even as she gasped and demanded, "What are you doing here?"

Eyes still closed, a small smile curling on his lips, Chuck easily answered, "I followed Nate here. Though he and Serena are… entertaining themselves, so here I am."

Blair was quiet, so Chuck peeked his eyes open, instantly recognizing the inspiration for her outfit.

"Watching High Society recently, my little Goddess?" Chuck answered after appraising her for a moment. It was a bit alarming how after sating his lust last night, Blair could so easily renew his desires. Only her bare arms were exposed to him, yet the images she was stirring in his mind- stirring in his blood.

Her only reply was to glare at him, pursing her red lips and narrowing her eyes.

"Channeling Hera?"

She then gave him an annoyed, withering, little smile, "I am not _your_ anything."

But with her fury released, her eyes then turned soft, "How are you swimming? After yesterday, you're back in the water…"

Chuck just continued to casually float in the pool, "I only have one life to live. I'm not going to let an accident take away from enjoying myself."

Blair unbuttoned her cover-up and let it drop to the ground. Chuck was no longer able to keep himself afloat at the sight of her in a cherry red bikini. His body sinking into the pool, he was happy to stand there, even though the cool water could not entirely quell his body's response to her.

With a small knowing smile, she slipped into pool to join him. Safe in the idea of their friendship and fun, Blair drew close to him. "So, where did you go last night?"

"My… head started bothering me." Well, it wasn't exactly a lie?

Blair couldn't resist his wet hair glistening in the sunlight. She reached up, running her fingers through it. "You didn't want me to tend to your aching head?"

She was so close. It pulled him in, the way she mesmerized him, and why did she have to touch him? He slid his hands around her waist, delighting in the feel of her naked skin, pulling her firmly against his body. His head tilted towards hers as he purred, "Well, I am still recovering."

Her mouth was sweet, her lips perhaps truly stained red from eating cherries. She teased his restraint, wrapping her arms around his neck, pulling herself closer and emitting happy little moans at the feel and taste of him. It was the act of a man enthralled that his hand slipped lower, grabbing her round, enticing ass.

Blair's heart raced with excitement. It only felt natural, wholly instinctive as they stood in the pool, that she wrap her legs around his waist. She gloried in the sensation of his blatant arousal pressed so hard against her. It made her kisses feverish and her breathing became shallow panting. One singular thought throbbed in her mind, and she said it aloud. "You want me."

Chuck managed a broken, "I…"

His heart thumped. _I love you._

That thought, that fact, twisted into the memory that _sometimes you have to fight for what you want_.

In his arms, Blair continued to spin further out of control, the feel of him making her burn with desire. "You want to possess my body, don't you, Chuck?"

His response was a painful sound, part growl, part moan, and shaking his head, he tried to pull back, "No."

"You do. I can feel it." Blair was adamant, pressing her mouth to his, and shamelessly grinding herself against him.

"Blair," Chuck worked to pull himself free from their entangled state. _Fight for what you want_. "That's not…"

Once separated, the water seemed to have suddenly grown ten degrees cooler. Blair stood before him unmoving, her eyes blank, her mouth a thin line, her arms dejectedly hanging at her sides.

He was exasperated, "I'm not going to take you."

Blair bit back, heated and angry, "But you'll take every other girl? I thought we were friends- and you want me!"

Chuck's eyes grew hard and he grasped her shoulders, gritting his teeth as he stared down at her, "You have no idea the things I _want_ to do to you, Blair."

"But?" It was clipped and her eyes were still blank and unyielding.

"But not until you modify your attitude." _You have to change your mind._

Blair's face filled with disbelief, a rough scoff her only actual reply.

He continued. "Not until you let me modify the word 'friend' with another word."

Blair's stare became blank again, though her mouth fell opened a little as she processed just what he was saying. "That's it then?"

"I guess so." With that admission, Chuck released his hold on her.

They watched each other in silence for a few heartbeats; thoughts racing through their minds, yet they were not truly able to think any one thing at all. They were unable to feel the cool water or the hot sun. The sound of birds tweeting, or the sea breeze rushing through the air, were all unheard. Then… tentatively…

Blair tilted her head. She lifted her face up to him, the movement hesitant, stopping and starting several times in the small space between them. Her mouth pressed against his once more, soft and curious. It made Chuck's heart leap with joy and he poured his unspoken love on her, meeting her uncertainty with an undeniable fervor.

It was rough, almost cruel, how Blair pried herself away from him. Chuck's eyes were bright as he stared at her, watching her face change from overwhelmed, then… the Queen slipping forward, anger and stubbornness rising. Her stance changed in those few seconds, lifting her head and pushing her shoulders back. Without a word, she turned and exited the pool.

He watched her go, in a mixed state of shock and frustration. He was in love with every bit of her- the innocent, playful Blair, the witty, teasing Blair, and even the stubborn, merciless Queen B. Watching her walk away, the water rolling off her skin, the way the red bikini ties dripped down her back and the fabric clung to her ass, Chuck didn't know how he didn't shout a savage broken cry to the heavens.

What just happened? When did he decide any of this‽ How many mornings had he woken up to the sticky result of his unrestricted desire to take her? How many women had he fucked just because she had worn a certain pair of stockings, a short skirt, dangerous heels, or glared at him in just such a way? What had he just done? And that kiss… it was a test. A test he had undoubtedly failed. He had exposed himself- his feelings, that he had meant what he had said. He wanted her to be his. He wanted Blair to be his girlfriend.

* * *

AN: Heaps more hugs for Mary and Anjum for polishing this one up too ^_^ Chapter title translated by Ley, known as Kutchu on Tumblr. She makes gorgeous GG artwork, including the teaser art you've seen (and will see more of!) for this story. The title is Russian, meaning 'Eyes Open, Mind Shut'.

Happy birthday today (the 19th) to one of FanForum's finest, the lovely Issa ( _LoveYouDearly)! I used what Chair powers I've possessed with this update, but I wish you (and all of us, really!) a very tasty Chair scene in tonights episode. :crosses fingers:

How was it? Has poor Blair been shaken up enough? And what about Chuck? That little bit about his thoughts before he blacked out, oh my. And now this throw down in the pool, Blair pretty much saying, "Have sex with me." And he says NO. Hahaha, are you mad at me? Or delirious with the specificity of Chuck's desire? It's getting messy between these two... and there's only more to come! xoxo ~K

P.S. Perhaps worth a small mention? But my birthday is the 24th. Maybe tweet me, write me a PM, or whatever you like, if you are so inclined ^_^


	13. Почетак

Почетак

Blair was a strange mix of morose and angry. She had been both wrong and right about Chuck. He did want her… he just wanted her in all the ways she would not let anyone have her. They had been having such fun- why did he have to spoil it? She was not done playing in the shadows with him yet. Now, she needed to distract herself- no one denied the Queen, yet that is just what he had done.

And of course Serena was having a party tonight. Their peers steadily filled the house as the sun sank lower and lower in the sky. By sunset, Blair climbed the stairs to one of the second floor balconies. She found Nate already hiding there, nursing a beer between his hands. Leaning against the balustrade, she stood next to him. Her eyes quickly found Chuck surrounded by a hoard of girls all vying for his attention. Well, he clearly wasn't suffering.

Blair then followed the line of Nate's gaze. He was watching Serena smile and flirt, which she was honestly _always_ doing. But, it appeared to be weighing on Nate tonight. Blair, bitter from her failures of the day, prodded him, "I don't know how you do it."

Nate played dumb, "Do what?"

"Keep playing with her. You two hang off of each other and do it like rabbits and then… what? You're not a couple, but from the look on your face… it doesn't seem like you're okay seeing her with other guys."

"Yeah," Nate breathed a heavy sigh, "But she's Serena van der Woodsen. I can't imagine her settling down with any guy, especially me."

"Yes, poor girl. Giving up her club hopping and calming down just a little for you- captain of the lacrosse team, star cross country runner, one of the cutest and hottest guys of our class _and_ an Archibald. _Poor _Serena." Blair rolled her eyes. Sometimes, Serena was a nut and a half.

Nate glanced at Blair sideways, "You think I'm cute and hot?"

Blair scoffed, "Please, like you need _me_ feeding your ego."

"You _are _the Queen."

She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear and smiled, "Yes. Yes I am."

"Who's stroking whose ego now?" Nate chuckled.

They both just smiled and looked down on everyone below for a few minutes in silence. Blair's mind was turning as she watched Chuck work- appearing to choose not one, but _two _girls to keep him company tonight. Her stomach rolled and it pushed an idea forward in her mind. "You know…"

"What?" Nate turned to look at Blair.

"You could teach Serena a lesson- nothing really mean, but, just remind her how valuable you are."

"Oh?"

Blair now turned to look at the golden poster boy for St. Jude's. "Take me to cotillion in December."

It was still six months away. Did he expect Serena to change her mind about him by then? Clearly, Blair did not expect Chuck to. And after a few moments, it seemed Nate did, too.

"Are you sure I'm good enough?" Nate flashed his best smile.

Blair preened, just for fun, "I suppose you'll do."

They laughed a tiny bit, happy at the upset they planned to cause those that had hurt them- though, Nate could not know Blair's motivation about Chuck. This was how Blair Waldorf operated, after all. Her eyes slid to look at Chuck, his arms around the two girls, walking back towards the house. Fine, he could have his sluts, but she would go to Cotillion on Nate's arm and see just how much he liked it. Nate was his best friend and all the things Chuck was decidedly _not_.

Blair's eyes wandered back to the crowd, "We should keep this quiet. I don't mind keeping it secret; it makes it more fun for the minions. And Serena will simply be expecting it from you."

"Yeah." Nate glanced at Serena again for a second before taking a drink of his beer. "Thanks for this, Blair. It's an honor to be your escort…"

Nate kept talking, about Serena, but his words smacked her in the face- an honor to be her escort. Chuck. _Always_ Chuck. That night was perfect… what would her cotillion be?

"… It will be nice to have Serena on the offensive for once. Are you sure you're okay with this? She's your best friend."

"Of course. She'll understand in the end, it is all for the best- don't worry." Blair gave him a little hug before turning to go check on what her minions were getting up to.

* * *

As the days ticked by, Blair suddenly found herself on the other side of Chuck. He had always been the one watching her from the shadows. But now it was Blair, watching him trade one girl for another, as though she were nonexistent.

Chuck for his part, was driving himself to distraction. He would rather bear having Blair frustrated and angry with him than push her to the breaking point. And he was still a bit afraid of his conclusion that day in the pool. His love for her was not so terrifying- they had been friends for so long, in his mind it only made sense that he had some form of love for her. Tender, caring, sweet love… he had always been protective of her. He had known since the spring he loved her.

And the sexual things… that was who he had always been. So playing with Blair was exciting- to be sharing that with her after all this time. But to see it all collide together and know and feel what he had wondered at before… could Blair be the partner for him? Yes. He wanted it to be her.

If only she would yield to him.

But for now he waited, distracting himself endlessly, wondering what her next move would be, now that things were laid out clearly in front of them. His heart beat with a quiet fear that there would be no more moves. She could leave his love to die a slow death.

No, he told himself. Time, more time, more distraction. Just… keep going.

* * *

Blair stomped down the main staircase. She was bored. And frustrated. Maybe she should go out? Or just stay in? Or drown herself in the pool. This summer was _so_ boring, she needed something to do! No one was up to much of anything interesting. She needed to cause some trouble… usually, that meant help from Chuck.

She stood in the foyer, thinking. Help… from Chuck. Hmm… She glanced at the clock on her phone and smiled. Late afternoon already. Blair turned around and went back upstairs to change.

The sky was turning navy when Blair left the house. A quick text to a minion and she knew which club Chuck was hiding in tonight. Checking her hair a moment, she straightened her back and entered the club. Tonight she was on a mission- or to be precise, two missions. Time to find out if Chuck would play.

* * *

Chuck was considering what to do with the woman sitting next to him when he felt his blood stir. It was intense. Like fine particles of iron dust steadily shifting to attention as a magnet grew closer until every bit was pointing in proper North-South orientation. Or for Chuck's part, looking straight ahead and pointing… straight up. Part of him was humming angry, because he knew she was coming for him- she wanted something. Why else would she be doing this? Walking straight towards him like there was no one else in the club, wearing the tiny shimmery slip of a dress she had worn that night in Ibiza. At last, she stood before his table.

"Chuck."

"Blair."

She gazed at his companion of the moment, "Business."

Is that so? Chuck could toy with her, too. He took a moment to lick his lips as he eyed her, "Private, I imagine."

Blair glared at his insinuation. Whether it proved to be true or not…

"Rooftop." Her eyes flickered over his bottle-blonde companion, "Five minutes?"

She then turned and went to greet friends and acquaintances in the club. Chuck cursed at himself mentally as he watched her leave, his imagination remembering touching her back the last time she wore that dress- remembered her pulling it off and running into the sea. His company was pawing at his leg and it just irritated him. He abandoned her in search of another drink before climbing the stairs to meet Blair.

Taking a little longer than necessary, she joined Chuck on the roof. He idly stood in the shadows of the stair access, gazing out at the ocean. Blair felt her heart flip in her chest, but ignored it, instead focusing on swaying her hips a little as she slide up next to him.

"So, business?" He purred, his eyes golden and catlike under the night sky.

"It's been a rather tame summer so far…" Blair played with her hair, sweeping it away from her neck.

"I suppose that depends on your perspective?" Chuck already felt his mouth going dry and his trousers growing slightly uncomfortable.

"Well my minions have been boring. Except… Penelope is up to something. She has a secret, I can tell. But whatever it is, she's keeping it under wraps quite well." Blair's frustration showed in her voice for a moment, before she turned and pressed up against Chuck, "I thought maybe if you helped me… find out what all the boys are saying? She does have that cousin visiting…"

"You haven't needed my assistance for some time, Waldorf. You forget it doesn't come for free."

"A bet perhaps? After all, we don't know if there really is anything to find yet."

"Proposition?"

Blair innocently looked up at him, "If there is nothing, you can kiss me in payment."

Chuck laughed, turning, and pushed her against the wall of the stair access, "Why would I make a bet I already want to lose?" He enjoyed watching Blair fail to stop the pink blush spreading across her cheeks. "And I think with the vagueness of it all, you need to pay up front for my services this time."

She was pinned between him and the wall, and combined with the sight and smell of her, she was pulling on his desire. Yes, all her stubbornness and troublemaking was going to cost her this time.

"Price?" She whispered, staring nervously at the buttons on his shirt rather than into his eyes.

"Touch me."

Pressing her body against his more, she wrapped her arms around his waist and replied, "I'm already touching you."

"Not this kind of touching, Blair." He nuzzled his head against hers a moment before pressing his mouth to hers, tasting her. At first, they only kissed, but soon his hunger for her broke, and his hands moved to his belt buckle. Her hands pushed his away, taking the task over. It made him groan, even just feeling her hands pressing against the fabric as his belt fell open, then unfastening the buttons and… pulling his zipper down was probably the worst- the sound, the vibration of it.

Blair was breathing heavily with excitement, kissing him as she grew closer and closer to touching him. This was what she wanted. Yes, she needed his help with Penelope, but she wanted to be with him, too, like this. Playing together in the shadows. Her heart raced with excitement as she slipped her hand inside. But she couldn't decide what was more exciting, the sound of Chuck growling as she touched him and he shuddered with pleasure, or the feel of actually touching him. He felt magnificently hard as he filled her hand, yet his skin was soft and hot in her palm as she gently stroked him. They continued kissing, Chuck's kisses growing more wild and passionate the longer she played with him. Blair was swimming in the sensations, reveling in her triumph as he pawed at her with her hand down his pants.

She felt her desire responding, burning inside- if she wasn't careful… yet she was having so much fun. Her hand wrapped tighter around him, tugging strongly. Another growl, as she ran a fingertip over and around the crest of his head. A bead of fluid was her reward for her efforts and with a very deviant thought, she found her exit. Sweeping the fluid from his head onto her finger, she pulled her hand free. She felt Chuck weaken at the loss, protesting a little when she also pulled her mouth from his. His eyes were hazy when he opened them to her and she gave him a wicked little grin before she popped the finger in her mouth. The taste of him was heady though the best part was the look on his face as he watched her suck on her finger.

Her little performance was beautiful, his desire was near breaking yet as he looked at her, there was still that little bit of fight in his heart, underneath all the hormones. So he pulled her hand away from her mouth and replaced it with his mouth, kissing her firmly and slipping his tongue inside. It was his way of reminding himself this wasn't just about her or sex, it was about _them_ as he tasted the slight salt of himself on her. _More_, he thought, _someday, we will have so much more_. With that, he was able to pull away and return to their game.

He gazed into her eyes. They appeared as hazy as he imagined his own were. "I will find what Penelope is hiding."

Leaning in, his place a small sweet kiss, a promise, on her cheek.

Blair's smile was sweet, and a little wicked in reply, "_Anything_, in service of the Queen."

His trousers were still open, and she raked her nails over the fabric, watching him tremble a little before she turned and left.

Chuck glared at her retreating form, the glittering swish of her skirt as she turn the corner towards the stairs. He huffed at himself as he corrected his trousers. He wondered if she knew how perfect she really was. Perfect… and everything he could ever imagine wanting.

* * *

It took a little tactical maneuvering to work in a means of uncovering what Penelope was hiding, but in just under a week Chuck had the answer. He sauntered through the garden behind the girl's house, happy in his accomplishment and curious to see what it might garner him. His gait slowed a little as he heard music straining through the trees. He had secretly hoped to catch Blair swimming or sunbathing by sneaking around the back of the house. Yet he was not sure if he was disappointed, or more excited to spy upon Blair practicing her cello. He walked up along the side of the house, slipping onto the patio, hiding in the shadows as he watched her.

Her back was to the sun, the light bright as it hit the sheet music in front of her. He was standing behind her, undetected, yet he could see a little of her from the side as well. The flowing, pretty little skirt she was wearing was shoved up indecently high as the cello rested between her knees. The horny pervert inside of him would have been complaining loudly in his head had she not been playing Bach. The Bourée from Suite 3, and his heart skipped like her bow across the strings. She was flying through the end of the piece and he heard her berate herself as she dug the bow in harder before sliding over the last few notes. It was something he enjoyed knowing that no one else really knew about Blair. Yes, she was Queen B, merciless, an absolute bitch at times- or a lot of the time. But what no one else saw, was she was just as hard on herself as she was everyone else.

She pulled up a thick book next, still grumbling at herself about the performance and proceeded to play a complex set of scales, full of ringing harmonics that made his skin tingle with their clarity. That exercise seemed to satisfy her a little and she took her time flipping through the book before choosing the next exercise. Arpeggios… starting low, climbing high, then sliding down low again. Over and over. This made his heart jolt, pulling up the memory of their Bach Prélude, that one time she had played it for him in front of everyone at the end of eighth grade.

The arpeggios must have triggered the same thought in her, for suddenly, the practice arpeggios had ended and she was slipping into the Bach Prélude. The notes shot straight into his heart, pulling him from the shadows, towards her. He walked quietly, carefully, he discovered her eyes were closed as her hand moved up and down and across the strings. He didn't know why, but listening to her play this- play what he thought of as them, their song, it was killing him.

Chuck reached out and rested his hand on her shoulder, "Stop."

Blair started, the bow scratching across the strings as it dropped away and her eyes opened. "Chuck?"

His name was a question, her mind somewhere else, lost in the happiness she found in music, wholly unaware that Chuck was in the same space as her. Perhaps it was their Prélude calling him so strongly to the forefront of her thoughts, that he seemed to be standing over her. But she truly _felt_ his hand resting on her shoulder, her eyes registering the strange, complicated look on his face. What was wrong? He loved this piece. So why did his expression look so odd?

But he broke the moment, the spell the music had cast fading after the notes died, and he murmured, "Come with me."

She stood, tucking her cello away before he took her hand, pulling her back towards the garden. It hadn't been his plan, but his smug satisfaction with himself had shifted into something else. His darkness was always tempered around her, put in check by her light and innocence, her precious status as a friend. But watching her just then, playing their piece, it cracked something in him and now. Now his darkness and desperation wanted to take something more from her before he gave up what she had come to him for- what she had started this game to achieve in the first place.

They crossed into a meadow and a large house appeared at the top of the hill in front of them. Still she followed him, but Blair asked, her voice quiet, "Why are we going to the Tilney Mansion? It's vacant."

"For some fun."

"Bass, if we get caught."

They had arrived at one of the many back doors, and Chuck uncovered a keypad. He smirked, tapping the code in. "We won't."

He pushed the door open and pulled her inside, instantly pressing her against the wall and kissing her. They were here for some _fun_. Blair's concerns that they were trespassing fell away with his kiss. Fun… her mind turned a little, deciding this could be very fun.

Slipping out from beneath him, Blair smiled and walked further into the house, "Come on, I want to see more."

Chuck followed behind, falling into her shadow for a time as he observed her. There was something odd, something cruel twisting in his chest as they explored the large house together. Blair was a Waldorf- her mother's daughter, as she painted what she would do when they peaked into the large living room and the beautiful yet hollow solarium. She described colors and furniture so vividly, he could see them, too. Something about it hurt and his dislike of it grew in his chest.

They found the library, its tall dark bookcases missing their contents, the room dim and void of chair or lamp or desk, yet the masculine power of the room still resonated through the space. Blair reacted to it immediately, as her eyes turned about the room, "Well, this would be your domain."

His? _His?_

He pulled out of her shadow and further into the room. Standing next to a tall window, he looked down on the expanse they had crossed from the van der Woodsen house next door. _His._ That is what had been bothering him. Whether she had done it consciously or not, watching her walk through this house and talk about it, she was painting an imaginary life, and in that life… she had included him.

Blair came to stand next to him, her gaze following his, she murmured, "It's a beautiful house."

Chuck responded by turning into her, "Yet you are still the most beautiful thing here."

Blair's eyes locked with his for a brief moment before his mouth covered hers in a heated, possessive kiss. She felt herself melt into his arms instantly though the question of fear beat in her heart. Dangerous, this was dangerous. Empty house. Chuck Bass… and she could feel it in his grasp, in his rough kisses, he was darker than he had ever been with her in this moment. There was a risk here, if his proclamation was a lie, if she was weak, if she lost control.

Their bodies were pressed tight together, her back against the glass, his kisses needy as his hands slid under her skirt and grabbed her ass, shoving her hips harder against his. The urgency and intensity was building, but that is when they heard it. A high, squeaky voice, "As you see in this room…"

Chuck pulled back, his eyes an amazing mix of alertness and hazy desire. The house was suppose to be empty. In the blink of an eye, he took her hand and pulled her through a set of double doors nearby. A smaller room, there were a few more bookcases lining the long walls, ending in a chamber of tall windows. With a swift tug, Chuck pulled her into a small alcove next to the doors, and back into his arms. They returned to kissing, ears listening a little keener this time.

It didn't matter to Chuck that the house was been shown right now, he needed to feel her. The odds of anyone coming into the small private room off the library were slim; even if they opened the doors, he and Blair would not be discovered- as long as they stayed quiet. And it seemed the risk had made Blair even more excited, pressing hungrily back against him as they kissed wildly. It pounded inside him: more. He was going to take more this time.

Turning them, her back against the wall, Chuck again snuck his hands under her skirt. But instead of snaking around to grasp her ass, he took the top of her underwear and yanked them down. The fabric fell to her ankles as a hand slid between her thighs. Lightly, his fingers slowly, teasingly, touched her.

Blair had her arms around his neck, hanging from him, kissing him back just as roughly, trying to urge him on. Yes, more of this, she wanted more of this with him. Lifting one foot free from her discarded panties, she curled her leg around his waist, trapping him close while opening herself more to him. He took this invitation to use his fingers to part her folders, making her whimper in anticipation. A free finger drifted along the soft sweet flesh, slipping and spreading her wetness further. Pulling his mouth away for a moment, he pressed it against her ear to chastise her, "You have to stay silent, no one can suspect we are here."

She nodded her head against his in agreement while wiggling her hips a little in pleading. He grinned, feeling a little more wetness drip onto his finger, "Not…" he applied a little more pressure, "A…" more pressure, his finger began to sink the tiniest bit inside. He could feel her tremble with anticipation, "Sound."

Inside.

She was so deliciously wet, Chuck didn't hesitate to add another finger after he pulled back. He returned to kissing her as his now twined fingers buried inside her deep, to his knuckles. One of her hands dug hard into his shoulder, the other tangled in his hair. He couldn't run or break away this time- and he wasn't going to. He was going to crack her sexuality wide open, just as she had opened his heart. It only seemed fair, as her hips wantonly rolled with the movement of his hand. She was soaking wet, the sound of his fingers thrusting into her, the sweet wet mess of him in her, could perhaps give them away if the doors were opened. But she was so tight around him and he knew, his skill and her inexperience would have her shattering in climax against him soon. A few twists and curls of his fingers and he was learning her more and more as her fingernails dug into him deeper.

There were voices in the library now, they could hear them, fuzzy white noise penetrating their bubble of intimacy. Chuck tried to slow, to delay her peak until the voices retreated, but Blair simply thrust back against him in reply. She was close and she was not going to let him stop no matter what. There was a click- the latch of the double doors to the private room pulling open. Chuck, protective, pressed her further into their little alcove instinctively, shoving his hand against her harder, deeper as a result. That's when he felt her shake, felt her tighten even more around his fingers, her head pressed into the hollow of his neck as her body seized more in pleasure. She clung to him hard, her fingers digging deep into his back. He would not have believed it except for how much more soaked with her his fingers had become.

The voices discussed the room, "This is where the husband liked to relax, storing his most precious books and artifacts here. First editions, items of historic import, a few prized pieces of art."

Some slight murmuring and then… the doors closed. His whole body loosened with relief, Blair now trembing softly against him, her panting muted as she breathed against his shirt. The voices receded until they were no more, Chuck still slowly stroking deep inside her as she recovered. The tempting idea of giving her a second orgasm crossed his mind as she arched into him. He thought of what the realtor had said about this room, and he murmured in her ear, "How is it you found the room you most belong in?"

"Chuck…" She whispered, her body trembling a moment against his before she released her grip on him. Her innocent body was tired so he pulled his soaked fingers from her heat. Recalling her little tease at the club, he stared into her eyes, locking her gaze with his as he slipped the fingers in his mouth to suck them clean. He moaned in appreciation, voicing his approval of her taste.

In her stubbornness, Blair refused to look away from him, but released her embarrassment by instead biting her lip. This caused Chuck to stop his ministrations and drag a finger along her lower lip, where blood had bloomed scarlet on her pink swollen lips. "You're bleeding."

Unfazed, Blair replied easily, "I wasn't going to make a sound."

"You…" The way his heart was pounding in his chest was something entirely new. She somehow grew more and more beautiful to him each day. He pressed his mouth to hers, tasting blood, hoping to distract from the throbbing pain. His heart was racing as much as his mind as he tried to process the extent of her deviancy, how it mixed with her stubbornness- her perfection. She climaxed within a few feet of being caught, even when he tried to slow for her, she insisted, pushed him onward. Then… to bite that hard? All to not cry out, to not make a sound in her intense pleasure and pain. Should they have been caught, he would have found a way out of it, found a way to cover for her- he was Chuck Bass, this was hardly the worst thing he had ever done. But it meant more to her that she not lose to him, lose face, lose his respect. So now he kissed her with a sweet urgency, his tongue stroking hers, until all was forgotten in a new wash of pleasure and the taste of blood was gone.

By the time they pulled apart from the kiss, many minutes had passed until both were filled with an exhaustive sort of pleasure and bore happy satisfied smiles. Chuck took her hand once more so they could leave this place, both having forgotten Blair's little panties around her one ankle. With a rueful smile, Blair bent down to pull them back on, bending over at her waist, her legs straight, and the roundness of her ass peeking out from under her skirt.

_Just a little further_, Chuck thought, and he would have been able to see her pussy. Yet her ass was temptation enough, and as she drew her panties up, he quickly smacked her ass. The sound cracked through the air and when her task was completed, Blair glowered at him, though she wore the same smile as he did. She reached for his hand this time and as she pulled him with her, he grumbled quietly the truth of what she was.

"Tease."

Quickly, they found a way to slip out of the mansion undetected and were walking back to the van der Woodsen house. Blair felt the warm sun on her heated cheeks; the thrill of it all still splashed pink across her face. But under the excitement and pleasure still humming through her, there was a small knot in her stomach. "Chuck, how did you know the code to enter the house?"

The nauseating thought that he had screwed the realtor flittered across her mind.

"Bart had considered buying the house. I do crash at the Archibald residence all summer- but I doubt he was thinking about _me_ in the process." Chuck shrugged his shoulders, "I remember it from being dragged through the house before. It was a nice thought… to have a house here."

Blair squeezed his hand a little, feeling for him. But something about her gesture made him pull back from her and she didn't understand why. "Chuck."

He closed off, and switched topics, "Didn't you wonder why I came to visit? I've discovered what Penelope's hiding. And I think you could have some fun with it."

* * *

It was orchestrated perfectly. Blair was poolside, surrounded by her minions at Penelope's party the following weekend. The group was chatting happily when Penelope slipped away to supposedly play hostess. In the shadows, Chuck followed her, and Blair turned the conversation towards cotillion. Kati and Hazel were debating dress styles while Blair waited… then finally, the screen on her phone lit up.

"You know," Blair interjected, silencing the bickering minions, "I hear P say she found a vintage piece of Valentino. I'm sure she wouldn't mind if we snuck a peak at it in her closet?"

The small band of minions murmured their approval. Falling into line, they followed their Queen up to Penelope's bedroom. Quietly, Blair pushed the door open. She pretended to search for the light switch as the other girls flowed into the room. Then, snap, she flipped the switch.

And there was Penelope in her bed, entangled in the sheets, her dress halfheartedly removed, having sex. With her cousin.

Penelope shrieked.

Blair simply looked at the pair with disdain.

The minions voiced their shock and horror.

"Penelope!"

"Your cousin? Ew."

"Oh my god."

"Girls," Blair declared, "That's enough."

Penelope had covered her indecent state with some of the bedding and was pink with shame under her deep summer tan. Her cousin was shameless, looking disappointed when the girls all turned to leave rather than joining in. He had the gall to even wink at Hazel.

Back in the hallway, the minions quickly dispersed to spread news of their discovery. No one saw Blair slip into the shadows where Chuck was waiting, or saw him pull her into one of the many vacant guest rooms.

"How was it? Is my Queen satisfied?" He purred in her ear.

She was in his arms in the darkened room. And she was feeling good. Very, very good. "It was wonderful," she breathed against his neck, "Thank you."

"Anything," He felt her trail kisses up his neck, the sensation traveling in a rush of longing straight to his cock, "In service of the Queen."

She was now kissing along his jaw and he growled, eager for her kiss. He grabbed her and hastily shoved her back against the wall, finally pressing his mouth to hers. It quickly escalated into a long, deep, opened mouth kiss, the one battling the other for a sense of dominance. Blair's hands steadily slipped down from his face, his shoulders, then down over his chest, further down… until she firmly stroked him through his trousers, eliciting another deep growl from him. "Blair," he gasped between kisses, "What are you doing?"

She began to unfasten his trousers, "Such loyalty and service deserves a reward, no?"

"Blair." He weakly tried to protest.

But she had pulled him free, the feeling of her skin on his… he was lost to her. She leaned in to whisper in his ear, "I want to taste you," before she dropped to her knees.

Chuck was thankful he had the wall to lean against. Just the thought of it was making his legs feel a little weak. And then… he moaned, his breath shuddering as he braced himself against the wall. Her tongue, wet and hot, had taken its first long stroke of him, base to tip. Then several more times, her tongue tentatively lapping up and down the length of him, ending with a delicious swirl over the throbbing tip. "Fuck. Blair… please," he gasped.

She grinned, looking up at his face in the dark room. There was only enough light to catch in his eyes and outline the beautiful contours of his face. She could just make out the agony he was experiencing as he gazed down at her. "Please, what?"

His voice was dark, the sound rasping in her ear, "Take me into that sweet little mouth of yours."

She pursed her lips together, gazing up at him with sweet, wide eyes, "Like this?"

Still watching him, she pulled the head of his cock into her mouth, rubbing her tongue against him.

"Blair!" The tone of his voice was guttural as he cursed her name, slamming one fist into the wall while the other hand grabbed the back of her head and pressed her further down on him. Blair purred, enjoying his torment as she grasped his cock harder and strived to comfortably take more of him into her mouth.

"Yes…" He moaned, feeling her mouth working back and forth on him. How many times had he dreamed of this? And now… here she was, his dream girl, pleasing him out of her own desire.

But their secret tryst was interrupted, and another couple opened the door and stumbled in. Blair quickly shot up and buried herself in his arms, fear cutting hot through her that she would be caught with him. Chuck hid her in his arms, and made a very audible cough. The interlopers froze, the male turning to scan the room. Chuck gazed at him and the other boy gasped, "Chuck Bass! Shit. You're like, my hero. Fuck, man, we'll get out of here. Come on, Liz."

The pair hastily departed and Chuck felt Blair relax in his arms. Her heart was racing and a small dark part of her had been excited at nearly being caught and she felt the heat and wetness that had flooded between her legs as a result. Between tonight, and their last encounter, Blair was becoming more alarmed by her sexual development. The thought must have occurred to Chuck, for his hand was sneaking its way up her skirt, "Did my Queen enjoy herself?"

But Blair smacked his hand away, "I think that was enough."

Slipping out of his arms, she walked to the door. Just as stepped into the doorway, light from the hallway illuminating her, caressing her pink cheeks, she turned back towards him, and said, "For now."

Chuck smirked, half in pain, as he tucked his engorged cock back inside his trousers. The thought traveled across his mind once again as he adjusted himself. _Tease_.

* * *

AN: Thanks to the lovely Anjum for the beautiful edits and making me fix things ^_^ Tons of love to TheKillerDunja123 here on FFnet for the title translation. The language is Serbian and reads 'The Beginning'.

Hot enough? What was with Chuck, when Blair was playing her cello? Hmm... But still, hot in the end hopefully? I do wonder if three smut scenes *and* plot relevant information and character development are enough for you? Hehehe.

Thank you everyone for the lovely birthday wishes and gifts. You all are the best! On a different, holiday related note. I'll be in New York City and Washington DC for holiday travel. Anyone keen to meet up, I'd love to! I'll actually be watching the end of GG while in NYC, so if there are any fun way to watch in the city, let me know! xoxo ~K


	14. Mudando Lentamente

Mudando Lentamente

That was how they were those last few weeks of the summer. A few more times slipping into the shadows. Blair was quick to learn him and Chuck reveled in touching her. She was still too shy to let him taste her but it only made him wonder. How long did she think she could hold out? She _liked _being with him and he knew she wanted more. The way their relationship had developed physically gave him hope. He hoped he could use it to show her how right they were together. And they were good together, working together; humiliating Penelope had to have reminded her of that. It would just take some more time, he would tell himself.

It was one of the last days before everyone packed up and headed back to the city. The boys had come to visit and soon the foursome was outside, enjoying one last afternoon in the pool. Chuck was walking back outside after freshening up his drink. Serena was stretched out on her towel, Nate kept trying to play catch with Blair in the pool, but the Queen would not entirely cooperate, annoyingly tossing the ball no where near the blond.

Chuck sat on the lounger next to Serena. "Need any more lotion, S?" He smarmed using his bedroom voice.

Serena turned over and glared at him, "Ew. Keep dreaming, Chuck."

"Now, now, I was just trying to be a good friend. Look how well Blair and Nate are getting along?" He and Serena glanced at the other pair. Blair huffed and lobbed the ball halfheartedly back at Nate, but the object flew well past him, hopping across the water to the far end of the pool. A small chuckle rumbled in Chuck's chest and Serena just shook her head.

"This summer has been good for her, hasn't it?" Serena asked him.

"I think so?" Chuck replied honestly, asking both himself and Serena the question, "She's growing, slowly. I just wonder what it will take…"

Serena knew, but knew not to say she understood. "She's going to look for what she's lacking, when the time comes. Strength… and maturity. She'll want someone who is serious. He could be serious about his feelings for her, but if he lacks that conviction in other parts of his life, how can she believe him? How can she trust him?"

She spoke all this as she watched her friend dodge Nate's attempt to toss the ball in Blair's direction. She loved her friend, and hoped that happiness wasn't too far from reality for her.

Chuck stared at his glass of scotch, "You think that's what it will take?"

"At this point? That's my best analysis." Serena's timer beeped and she turned over, "What do you suppose it will take?"

"Time. But cotillion will be here soon enough…" Chuck pressed the cool glass to his forehead, somehow hoping the sensation could reach his anxious heart.

"Mm, that's true. Don't remind me." Serena sighed longingly, "I don't want the summer to end!"

Chuck watched Blair emerge from the water, his mouth watering at the sight. She was teasing him, wearing the pretty red bikini one last time, and he burned in into his memory so he might have it to keep him warm this winter. Yes… his heart thudded, strong and certain in his chest; he wanted to take her to cotillion. She would debut on his arm in front of all their peers and then he would steal her away to his bed. Finally… at last, they would be together as a couple, in status, in mind, and in body.

* * *

Returning to the city made Chuck nervous. Typically, Blair was less willing to play when they were home. He dreaded the thought that she would deny him or relegate him to kisses under the stairwell once more. But he would not let his fears rule him and with quiet reserve, he kept himself in her mind. Brushing past her in the hall that first week, he discovered she was hungry for him. For it was her, not him, that waited under the stairs and pulled him into the shadows. Her kisses were delicious and he drank in the feeling of her pressed against him.

Before the first full week of school was out, Chuck's phone vibrated in his pocket. It seemed Blair had found an answer she liked to their situation.

_Is there anything you need pick up_

_at Bergdorf Men's today? -B_

This had him intensely curious.

_I haven't seen the new _

_shipment of Berluti's yet._

Her only reply was an 'x' that made him long for the school day to end more than usual.

That was how it began, that first rendezvous at Bergdorf's. Seeking out a spot, public, yet private, where they could steal away together for a few minutes. They came to 'run into each other' several times a week around the city. They would find secret spots to kiss and caress in, the sense of risk heightening the clandestine meetings.

Happy to be keeping Blair close, Chuck was looking for a way to prove himself more mature and serious, as Serena had suggested. Something apart from Blair, something significant in showing that he had his own greatness.

By the end of September, he had it. Blair was beginning preparations for the Kiss on the Lips party and the invitation came as a surprise. She waited for him under the stairs, pulling him to her and kissing him between words, "I had no idea! Chuck Bass, growing up right before my eyes!"

"I couldn't leave you to have all the glory; your Queenship is well established now."

The warning bell for classes rang. He was breathless as he asked her, "Will you be there tonight?"

Blair pulled away with a little smile, "Of course."

* * *

Victrola was packed that night, in celebration of Chuck's purchase of it. Chuck sat in his booth, accepting congratulations from the masses, downing drink after drink. Blair was one in the crowd, raising her glass to him. She would not come to his table tonight, but he was glad to have her near, the hope of a secret tryst after a few more hours passed. He gloried in his triumph. Victrola was his, a pedigree no one else they knew had- owning his first business already. He was a King amongst their set now, and hopefully, a King worthy of a Queen.

But his thoughts, his hopes, all crumbled when the furious figure of Bart Bass stormed into Victrola in search of his son. With rather brutal force, the elder Bass jerked his son up from the table and hauled him to the private office. The music and dancing never stopped, but the crowd all watched with intense curiosity.

"Do you really think you could buy a club at sixteen and I would not find out about it?" Bart roared.

"It took you this long to discover it. And you technically signed the contract, so it's done."

"By using one of my employees to capture my signature! He's lost a job because of you and don't think that first thing in the morning I won't be having this whole thing dissolved." Bart's blue eyes were cold and icy.

"You can't! It was _my _money, from my trust fund. This has nothing to do with you- it's mine!" Chuck shouted.

"No. It's Bass Industries' if it has _my _signature on it. And Bass Industries doesn't invest in tasteless properties or allows them be run by a spoiled teenager. This will be over in the morning. So enjoy your evening, Charles."

Bart exited the venue as briskly as he had entered, all eyes waiting for Chuck's reappearance. Chuck's rage welled up inside him. His father never even gave him a chance, it was not even a conversation! Without meeting a single gaze, he grabbed a bottle of vodka from the bar and threw the cap off. He took a disgustingly long drink of the clear fluid before he turned, a scornful grin on his face, and headed for the roof.

* * *

Blair had been in the ladies room when the scene had unfolded. It took her several minutes to piece together the gossip and realize where Chuck had disappeared to. She rushed up the several flights of stairs, her heart pounding with fear at what she might find waiting at the top. Throwing the door open, her eyes quickly scanned the area. "Chuck?"

"Ah, there she is!"

Blair turned around to see him standing on a platform near the edge of the building.

"Blair Waldorf, the queen, the girl who is not _my_ anything." Chuck's arms swept wide, the vodka sloshing in the now much emptier bottle, "Your timing is impeccable. I was just about to go for a dive."

"No!" Blair shouted, quickly crawling on top of the platform to join him, "Or if you must, then I'm going with you. A properly dramatic ending for a queen, don't you think?"

The bottle dropped from his hand, falling to its end several stories down, completely forgotten as he reached to grasp her hands. "No, you can't."

"Not dramatic enough?"

"No. You're supposed to live a long, beautiful life, and pass away in the arms of a man who loves you. A fairy tale ending." Chuck's face was full of sadness and absolute sincerity.

"Then what about you?" She held his hands back, just as tightly as he held hers.

His eyes dropped down, vacant as he stared at the ground, "I'll die much too young. Drunk, coked up, stumbling down a dark alley. It will be ugly- maybe a mugging gone wrong? Left to die in the street with no one to miss me or know I'm gone."

"No." Blair let go of his hands, but only so she could hold his face, forcing his eyes to meet hers. "Don't." She swallowed hard at the desperation in his eyes, "Don't say that. You've saved me so many times- you _must_ be an angel."

His laugh was rough and disillusioned, "An angel? I think not. But you… with you," Chuck paused, his gaze an intensive study of all he saw in her, "I might just be a devil redeemed."

She breathed his name and pulled him into her arms. "You will always have me. We're Chuck and Blair… Blair and Chuck. We defy convention, definition, the mundane."

He wrapped his arms around her tight, burying his face against her neck, and breathed her in as she spoke more, "What you ask of me, I ask of you. Don't shut me out."

He froze at those words, his body locked against hers. She could not mean that. He was so close to her, but his voice came out sounding miles away, "You don't mean that."

"I do." Her voice was solid, and she pressed him against her in response, "I'm not afraid of the dark, not with you. _Don't _hide from me. Besides," She smiled a little to herself, the memory of his words and insistence fluttering across her mind, "After all these years, do you really want to go against me?"

Tighter, his arms wrapped around her, the sad soft sound of his voice whispering, "I'm sorry" against her skin, again, quieter, "I'm sorry."

Blair pulled back, lifting his head and pushing his hair back. "Shhh," she commanded as her mouth found his.

Heaven. Did he perhaps really jump? And now he was finally at peace in her arms, kissing her. This. Like this. It was the best, most beautiful thing he knew. After long, uncounted minutes, she pulled her mouth away and leaned her head against his, "We should get you out of here. There is nothing downstairs worth seeing."

"Arthur is waiting out back; we can leave that way."

"Okay." She placed another small kiss on his lips, but he wouldn't let her go as she tried to pull away, making a sweet little laugh bubble up from inside her. "Come on."

Chuck was not sure how he made it down all those stairs, it must have been Blair keeping him steady, for his mind was far from clear and his body was not entirely his own. Inside his limo, he wrapped himself around her, sweetly touching her, kissing her like there was nothing else in the world that mattered more.

Blair's body hummed at his eager attentions. He was so dark and beautiful… again, he had threatened to leave her tonight. Like she had almost lost him this summer. But now he was safe, in her arms, and she wanted to calm him, show him his greatness. If only she knew how.

"I need you." He moaned, pulling her body tight against his.

"Chuck, we can't- I won't…" Fear jolted through her. Her virtue was not the answer to this question.

With a deep growl, he replied, "Then something. I need you to give me _something_."

"I'm here for you. Let's go back to your suite and…" She would find some way to give him strength and solace.

"No. Not there, but…" he directed Arthur to take them to the Bass Industries headquarters.

"Chuck?"

"We're going to have some fun." His voice was dark.

So Blair yielded to him, crawling into his lap and kissing him, strong, consistent kisses, until they arrived. They were silent in the elevator as it climbed higher and higher to the top floor. Then Chuck swiped a card and entered some numbers, a light flashed green, and he pushed the door to Bart's office open. A sweeping view of the city skyline twinkled in the night behind the great CEO's expansive desk. Tugging her hand, he pulled her further into the room. He took his father's chair, a disgusted grin twisted on his face, "He sees nothing in me."

Blair stood before him, and ran her fingers through his hair, "What do you see in you?"

"What?" Chuck was shocked by her question.

"Who do you see in you? And who do you see yourself becoming? If you believe in that, and act in that manner, than you are that person and no one can deny it. If you believe him, and he believes you are nothing… Are you nothing, Chuck Bass?"

"No."

"No, you…" She titled her head as she gazed at him, her hand running along the side of his face, "Are boundless. In the end, I think there is nothing that can be denied to you."

Chuck felt his breath catch in his throat, the word soft as he forced it out, "Nothing?"

Blair caught what she had said, and with a smirk, the Queen replied, "Well, almost nothing."

He returned her smirk, feeling time would be the true answer to him and her.

"But your father…" Blair returned to the subject at hand, "You can do this, Chuck. If you really want Victrola, don't give up. You can show him, and I know you will."

She gazed into his eyes and she let him study her and take the strength of her words.

"Blair."

He pulled her face down to his and kissed her. Oh, her kiss. He truly needed her tonight, and here she was, by his side, believing in him. His body craved her, his hands quickly roaming over her breasts, and soon, without prompting, he felt her sinking to her knees. Her mouth broke away as her hands began to pull open his trousers.

Chuck gazed at her, tucked under his father's desk on her knees. She gave him a wicked grin as she took his cock in hand, "Do you suppose your father has ever…?"

He scoffed, sure that Bart had done much more in this room, "Never with anyone as beautiful as you, I'm certain."

A pretty little smile graced her lips before they wrapped around him. He gazed at her as long as he could manage, those eyes, the sight of her mouth wrapped around him, and his cock disappearing into it. But then his eyes rolled back, his head leaning against the great chair as she found her rhythm. Since that first time this summer, her skills had grown. She knew how to squeeze him now, and tug on him, how to suck and lick him. She was using all of it on him this time, one hand on his balls, the other grasping him tightly as she sucked him, rubbed her tongue against his head in just the right way. And her rhythm, the way her head moved up and down… he was trying to hold back. But her knowledge of him coupled with his delight in violating his father's office in this way? He desperately moaned her name, a pathetic attempt at warning her, as he felt his balls tighten. He wrapped his hands in her hair, trying one last time to warn her, not able to believe that she was... But instead of pulling her off him, she fought him, her response was to bury her face against him, his cock slipping as far into her mouth as she could take him. He seized against her, her name cracking across his vocal chords in praise and disbelief as he spilled himself down her throat.

Chuck panted, his head swimming as he came down from his glorious high. He managed to lean his head forward enough to look down at Blair. She smiled up at him, fixing her hair, and mischievously licked her lips, like a kitten that had just finished a bowl of cream. Desire still ran hot and thick in his blood, and he hastily fixed his trousers before any potential evidence that he was somehow unsatisfied revealed itself.

"Was I decent?" She asked. She had to ask; this was Chuck Bass, after all.

"You were so much more than that, Blair. You _know_ you are." That was more than a blow job. What she had said to him— what this gesture meant coming from her. It left his feelings in messy knot; bliss, desire, adoration, love, affection, closeness, sweetness…

"Well," She pushed her hair over her shoulder, still hiding under his father's desk, "I figured it was better than letting it get all over my clothes."

Chuck grinned. He would have to make a mess of her some other time then… but his imagination was interrupted by someone entering the PIN into the door. Quickly he scooted Blair back, deeper under the desk, as he leaned forward against it, pulling a dark, serious look back onto his face. Just in time for Bart to open the door.

He paused when his eyes fell upon his son sitting at his desk. The image of it, his son at the head of Bass Industries, frustrated him. Someday. He could only hope. "Charles, what are you doing here? Brooding?"

"I needed to get away from the noise." That was true…

"And you came to _my _office?"

Chuck felt Blair pat his leg, "I came to remind myself of where I am going. Where I want to go. I…" Blair nudged him some more, "I didn't trust you to listen to me. I'm sorry for that. But I wanted to begin somewhere… somewhere of my own choosing. A place that is mine, that I find value in. That is what Victrola means to me."

Bart appeared to be listening and looked intently at his son. After a few beats, he rubbed his forehead, "It is late. I hear what you have said, but I am tired- too tired for this conversation. We'll continue in the morning and maybe we can come to a compromise on your Victrola."

Chuck watched his father pick up a file off the desk and moved to leave. Before walking out the door, he paused, turning to look at his son once more before departing, "Goodnight, Chuck."

"Goodnight."

The door closed and he froze there for several minutes, waiting to ensure his father had left as Blair tugged at his pant leg. Finally, he pulled back and Blair threw herself into his arms, squealing, "I'm so proud of you!"

"Nothing's happened yet," Chuck mumbled into her hair.

"Yes! Yes, I think something very amazing happened just now. You stood up to him, and he saw that- saw you, and he listened." She had pulled back from him to stare into his eyes.

The strength of her sincerity tugged at him, at his heart. He was so in love with her and tonight's horrible events only proved it to him more. He broke their gaze, rubbing his eyes, half feigning the weariness he was feeling.

"It is late… we should get you home, so you can rest before you see your father." Blair got up from the floor and took his hands, pulling him up from the chair.

"Stay with me tonight." Chuck held her there, his voice steady and solid in his request, "Just… sleep by my side."

"Chuck…" The memory of Ibiza washed over her, warm and tender. But the timing was all wrong. "You don't want your father to find us in bed together in the morning. It would only weaken things- it would look too much like what you fear he sees in you. He wouldn't understand what he was seeing."

With a deep sigh, Chuck forfeited. It was a risk not worth taking; in that, she was correct. So he kissed her in resignation, long and slow, ensuring her cheeks would have turned pink in the darkness.

They were quiet all the way back to the limo and the drive to Blair's. Her kiss was sweet before she left him, a little smile on her face before she pulled away. "I expect to hear good news tomorrow."

* * *

The next weekend, Victrola hosted a second party. A _real_ party this time. After agreeing to some oversight and proving the club's value and uniqueness, Bart allowed Chuck to keep Victrola. Celebrations were in full swing by the time Blair and Serena arrived to toast the owner. Nate was hauled on top of a table to dance with Serena, and Chuck snuck Blair into a dark corner of the floor to dance with him. It was difficult to restrain himself, how badly he wanted to kiss her, to grind her body against his. But he wanted to be close to her and revel in her beauty as well, so this… this was enough.

Blair let him hold her close in spite of the public space. She was beaming with pride and she wanted to be near him, sharing in his happy accomplishment even in the smallest way. Peaking up at him through her lashes, she played coy, though her smile was confident, "You did it."

"I'm Chuck Bass," he teased, but whispered in her ear, "and you believed I could."

The girls partied with the boys a little while longer at Victrola, but Serena was soon tugging her dark haired friend out the door to club-hop some more.

Without the girls to play with, Nate and Chuck drank to a happy excess. It was a scene that had been repeated many times. Chuck and Nate passed out in the Bass suite at the Palace after a long night. But there were small changes. No girls this time. Neither were _insanely_ hungover the next morning. Chuck was behind the bar, mixing his patented night-after concoction when there was a knock on the door. Nate, still in last night's clothing, answered the door with a smile, "Serena! Blair!"

Chuck only let the smallest hint of a smile slip onto his face at the sight of the lovely girls entering his room. They were bright and fresh and the sight of Blair made him wish he were more properly dressed; his silk pajamas did a poor job of hiding his… appreciation for her.

Serena was quick to prop open the room service menu and cradle the phone against her shoulder. Less than half an hour later, the four of them were gathered around, eating breakfast together. There were smiles and laughter, and as Chuck looked at his friends, he recognized this feeling as being… happiness.

* * *

AN: Thanks once again to dear Anjum for polishing this poor thing up and to Issa ( _LoveYouDearly) for the Portuguese! It means "Shifting Slowly". Do we think things are shifting slowly?

Ship reminders: Twitter Trending list for the next three weeks is up from Save Chuck and Blair and the Portrait Magazine elections are open for best couple for about the next month. You can vote as many times as you physically are able! ^_^

Enjoy the early update! I worked extra hard because I know you guys will have to wait when I'm on vacation soon. I'll try to get one more update in by then, so maybe review? And tell me how much you want to read my favorite smutty scene so far in the story, before I go away! xoxo ~K

P.S. I'd say this is probably around the halfway point for the story, for those curious as to it's length. It will be my longest story to date, reaching well into the 100,000 word range.


	15. Kun Me Ollaan Yksin

Kun Me Ollaan Yksin

At the end of classes one day, Serena and Blair walked towards the boys as the exited the school. Blair was talking fervently and Serena looked frazzled, grabbing Nate's arm when it was within reach. "Oh my God, will someone calm her down?"

"I heard that, S!" Blair snapped.

Serena threw her head back, "And I don't care! You're out of control. The Kiss on the Lips party is still a _week_ away!"

"I know! _Only_ a week. This is the biggest party before Cotillion, and I cannot mess it up!" Blair chided.

Serena groaned in Nate's ear, "She's forgetting her birthday party…"

Blair grabbed Serena and pried her away from Nate, "We're off to the florist. Bye, boys!"

Serena gave them a desperate glance before Blair had hauled her completely away.

"Wow." Was Nate's reply, "Did we know Blair was that much of a handful?"

"She's Queen for a reason, Nathaniel." Chuck had simply watched the exchange, enjoying the intense energy Blair was radiating. He and Nate were off for an afternoon smoke, but Serena's plea that someone calm Blair down continued to turn in his mind.

* * *

A number of hours later, the autumn sun began to kiss the horizon. Chuck leaned against his limo, waiting outside of Blair's building for her to return from her all consuming errands and meetings for the Kiss on the Lips party. Serena was right; Blair was wound much too tight. And Chuck was just the man to help her unwind.

Finally, his furious Queen stomped across the street towards her home, her eyes glued to her agenda. She made it much too easy for him. All he had to do was reach out and snag her arm and push her into his limo. She managed to cry out his name before suddenly, he was seated next to her, the door closed.

"Now, now, Waldorf. Don't get me excited." The smirk he gave her was full of trouble.

"I have things to do! I don't have time for _you_." She huffed, half pondering a way to escape the vehicle when it stopped.

But Chuck stopped her. Stopped all of her. His mouth had that capability, when it was pressed to hers. She froze under his dominating form, only to then melt against the soft leather seats moments later. The heat of his kiss erased her thoughts, her tension disappearing as her arms wrapped around him to pull him closer. He stoked the fire burning low inside her, pulling his playful, sensual Blair to the surface. Hands, tongues, bodies, struggled for dominance in the back of the limo. When the long sleek vehicle came to a stop at its destination, Chuck roughly pulled away from her.

"You Bass-tard." Her castigating tone failed, the insult coming out a breathy whisper.

Without a word or a glance at her, his hand had curled around hers and was pulling her out of the limo. Her eyes quickly recognized the glitter of Victrola's beckoning façade before she was inside the building. Without direction, she turned towards the dark stairway to the private balcony, but Chuck continued to pull her forward. They paused at the bar for drinks, which was odd, in Blair's opinion; they were always served at the table or the balcony. Drinks in hand, he was pulling her across the floor, into the shadows near the stage. A door, easily overlooked by most, appeared out of the darkness. Chuck dropped her hand to pull a key from his jacket and Blair watched, intrigued as he opened the door. He was tugging on her hand again, pulling her into the dark room. When the door closed, soft lights turned on automatically. A secret private lounge, lush and comfortable; intimate, but large enough for a small party if one wished.

They stood there by the door, unmoving. His eyes fell on her, his tone brusque, "Drink."

They locked eyes, Blair downing her sweet martini in sync with Chuck drinking his glass of neat scotch, all in one long, agonizing, go. Glasses emptied, she watch his drop from his hand into the plush carpet, momentarily surprised by his carelessness as her head buzzed from swallowing so much alcohol. Suddenly, he savagely knocked her glass from her hand and fiercely jerked her body hard against his, his mouth coming to cover hers in a breathtaking kiss.

They stumbled further into the room as they kissed, Blair's hunger rising to match his. Minutes passed as they stood, hands caressing with need, before Chuck pulled away, seemingly happy. "Good."

Blair look frustrated; a bit annoyed, she pursed lips and narrowed her gaze as she watched him sink into the plush sofa along the wall. He then patted the oversized coffee table before him, no higher than his knees, "Sit."

Blair eyed it warily, questioning his motivation, and what she might get out of it.

"If you do, I'll show you a secret in this room. Aside from the fact that you'll enjoy yourself." His mouth curled into a knowing smirk.

So Blair yielded, primly sitting before him, and slipped her school blazer off, setting it neatly on the floor. "Well?"

Chuck waved his hand around the room, her eyes following the movement, "See the walls?"

All four walls were covered with endless mirrors, a technique used to make a space feel larger than it really is. "Mirrors. So?"

He leaned into her, kissing her before pulling away, smirking again. "When you've relaxed more, I'll show you why."

Kissing her once more, his hands rose up towards the first button of her blouse. But, she pushed his hands away, then pushed against his shoulders and broke their kiss. Suddenly, she was the one grinning at him. "If I have to prove I'm relaxed… then maybe you should sit back and let me show you?"

With a look of curiosity, Chuck made a small smile and sank back into the sofa. He tried to keep cool, keep his excitement, his desire, in check as Blair steadily popped open one button after the other. The lacy little bra underneath matched the pale shade of her skin and shoved her breasts up to taunt him, her nipples already hard without his help. The white blouse slipped off of her shoulders and he found himself wishing for a second drink as her hands moved to the line of buttons down the side of her skirt. A button would fall open, a little more dark blue fabric falling away to reveal another inch until… Chuck swallowed with great difficulty. Blair pulled the skirt open, the fabric coming to rest on the table top. Pristine white thigh highs snapped into place with a garter belt over her pretty little panties. "Chuck," she half moaned his name, "am I relaxed yet?"

He gave up a little- just a little at that, allowing his hand to roughly rub against the bulge in his trousers, his body standing at full attention after her little show. "Mm, not yet. Is that how you relax when you're alone?"

"Not," Blair reached up and flicked the bra strap off one shoulder, "quite." Then the other strap. Chuck licked his lips, keen at what was to come next. Instead of fully satisfying him, she did not unclasp her bra, but rather slid her hands over the tops of her breasts before pushing the lace out of the way and cupping them. Her eyes fell shut and she made a little "oh" for him as she teased her nipples. She kneaded them roughly, her head tilting back, her knees falling open, "Chuck."

The soft sound of his name, so thick with pleasure, broke him. He caught her in his arms, kissing her, and pressing her down, he pinned her to the table. With a sensual moan, he asked, "Are you ready for the secret?"

Her arms around his neck, she arched her body up into his, "Yes, please."

Deliciously, he thrust his hips against hers, the force of it pushing her body further up the table. She panted at the sensation, as the tabletop ran out and her head leaned back off the surface. Her eyes fluttered open to see herself reflected in the mirror, watching as Chuck reached in his pocket to pull an small remote free. Pushing a button on it, the lights faded to black before an oddly hued light turned on and… their reflection disappeared. Blair gazed through the glass to see the club on the other side. A row of several booths, all occupied with couples misbehaving behind closed curtains. She was already wet from their playing, but she felt another wave soak her panties at the scene before her. Some were simply making out, hands under fabric, but the pleasure was written on their faces.

One couple was on full display. Blair's eyes hungrily devoured the sight of the lithe girl straddling the man's lap. Chuck purred, his hands hot against the skin of Blair's torso. "Ah, Patrick is at it again. He's a VP at Chase, and that… is his mistress."

Blair trembled as his fingers trailed along to top of her underwear. She could not break her gaze, watching as the girl, the mistress, pulled Patrick's trousers open and after a few teasing tugs, slid him under her skirt and…

Chuck laughed softly when Blair pushed her hips up against his, eager for sensation. "Almost as good as porn."

"Almost?" Blair gasped as Chuck's fingers drifted between her legs, lightly touching the slim fabric that was separating him from her.

He leaned his head down, tasting one of her nipples a moment, savoring her excitement as she arched up into him. His fingers then rubbed harder against her, teasing her before he replied, "No fast-forward."

Blair pouted, wiggling her hips in agreement, wishing he would move faster to the next phase. She lifted her head up, catching his lips, releasing a low moan as an enticement while she kissed him. When she let go, her head falling back once more, she discovered Patrick had pushed his mistress back onto the table; their position the same as Chuck and Blair's, except they were…

She studied their faces, the way her ruby mouth fell open, her whole body trembling with intense pleasure. Patrick's face was set with a raw determination as he rode his mistress. She felt her own body wound tight, longing to feel the burst of pleasure only Chuck could give her. She felt his mouth leave the breast he had settled on tormenting, then the heat of him pulled back from her body. Her voice was soft, "Chuck…"

His thumb pressed against the cleft of her sex, rasping the lace of her panties up against her swollen clit. "Are you feeling relaxed yet?"

He pushed a little harder as she opened her mouth to answer, her voice cracking, "No!"

"No?" Finally, his fingers curled around the scrap of fabric, pulling it aside, "Actually, I think you sound almost…" his fingers caressed the very inside of her thigh, so very, very close, "hysterical?"

Her eyes open wide, taking in the sight of all the couples locked in pleasure, Blair's back arched as she let out a cry at his torment; his fingers dancing over her skin. Her need cracked and she yelled at him, "I am _not_ some sexually frustrated Victorian female!"

With that, Blair shoved one of her hands between her legs and did what he would not do. Fingers sank deep inside; she sighed with relief, letting the sensation swim with the images she before her. A deep rumbled of laughter in his chest, Chuck smiled, proud to have driven her so far in her need. In reward, he pulled her hand away, cutting her cry in protest short when it shifted into a cry of pleasure, his fingers, thicker, longer, than hers, sank into her heat.

He loved the picture before him. He sat back on his knees atop the table, her stocking-clad legs falling over his thighs, spread wide before him. Her hips rolled back against the palm of his hand as he pleasured her, her breasts rocked gently with the rest of her body, still trussed up in her bra. Chuck drank in the sight, his enjoyment of her increasing in step with her own desire; the sound of her breath panting, her fingers uselessly pawing against the table as her climax began to rise.

Lifting his free hand, he slid it up her thigh; she cried at the added sensation. Grinning, it passed over her stomach- was it going higher, or lower? After a hesitation, his hand drifted lower, the fingers coming to tease her clit as the fingers buried inside of her rocked harder. "Let go, Blair."

"Chuck." Her voice was filled with pleading, her intense pleasure trapped by a control she wasn't sure she could let go.

Harder- he pushed, pulled, curled his fingers. His voice became deeper, rougher sounding, "Let _go_, Blair- now."

A frenzied moment, he watched as her whole body shuddered and seized below him. She shouted his name so loudly, long, and full of satisfaction, that he flicked his eyes up and saw several of the observed couples pause in momentary confusion at hearing her. Combined with the tight feeling of her around his fingers, Chuck grinned. His hand rocked with her for a little while longer, coaxing her down from her high. "There…" He listened to her sigh with contentment, "Don't you feel better now?"

"Mm," Blair murmured as she pulled herself up, pressing her lips against his.

But only briefly, as he slipped out from under her thighs, under her kiss. Sitting back on the sofa, his hand reached down to pickup her long forgotten skirt. "You might not be Victorian," he offered the item to her, "but you were frustrated. Sexually and otherwise."

Blair pursed her lips and snatched her skirt back, suddenly very aware of her nearly naked state. "I have many responsibilities weighing on me right now."

"And you can't tell me that didn't… unburden you a little?" She had stood in front of him and started to button her skirt back up. Chuck slid his hands up her thighs, feeling her tremble. But she stubbornly continued to work at her buttons, despite her shaking.

"Waldorf," he purred, standing, sliding his body against hers as he did so. He caught her mouth, persistent little kisses, over and over, until she was melting once more against him. "Don't let the pleasure slip away so easily. Use it to stay strong." _Use it to stay perfect_.

Strength… was there strength here? Blair's head swam under his kisses, and she had to admit, she felt less stressed, more… renewed, after his little treat. So she kissed him back hard, feeling the distracting sensation fill her once more.

Chuck panted in response to her, pulling his mouth away with difficulty. His voice was hoarse, "No." He pulled away more, "This… this was only for you."

He wanted to help her- yes, he enjoyed watching her, but all of this was meant for her. At least, this one time. "You can…" He smirked, "Repay me another time."

* * *

It was a cool Friday evening and everyone who mattered was curled up with their favorite vices inside the walls of Victrola. Nate, Serena, and Blair had joined Chuck at his table, basking in the importance of sitting with _him_. The blonds wandered between the table and the dance floor while Blair was satisfied to watch over her kingdom, a cool drink resting between her pretty hands. Next weekend was the Kiss on the Lips party and she was enjoying the brief escape from the planning and pressure.

Both she and Chuck sat back, relaxed. Her hands were visibly toying with the tall martini glass before her. Chuck held his glass of scotch in one hand, though the other… the other was secretly toying with the hem of Blair's dress, idle caresses, a tie to their subconscious connection.

The movement froze however, as Chuck cast his gaze once more across the room. He could scarcely believe his eyes. He had _heard_, but to see…

Carter Baizen, drink in hand, now brazenly sliding up into his booth. And sitting next to Blair. Chuck remained mute, but his hard stare said plenty. Carter didn't see it however. He was eyeing up Blair.

Blair simply glanced at Carter with complete disinterest. And without warning, Carter planted his lips on hers. Blair struggled against the force of him but he held on tight, just long enough to horrify their audience, before pulling away. His smirk in that moment could have rivaled one of Chuck's. "Mm, nothing but the best improvements, I see, Waldorf. The past three years have certainly…" His eyes dropped down, "filled out all of your younger potential."

Blair, disgusted after shrugging off her shock, slapped him, "I'm the Queen. Don't you dare cross _me_, Baizen."

Carter took it all in stride, turning his attention to Chuck. "And Bass. Congratulations. Nearly three years, and you've managed to get her to sit next to you. You must be _so_ proud of yourself."

"Watch yourself, Baizen." Chuck's exterior was cool, but his teeth were clenched, "If you don't, you'll never be entering my club again."

Carter leaned back, "So what I heard is true, daddy bought you a club to play with? Gosh," He gushed falsely, "Your first club and a girl sitting next to you, you must be on top of the world."

Chuck's voice was dangerously low, "Carter."

The other boy groaned, "God, I forgot what tight-asses the two of you are. I'm going to go play with Nate and Serena. They always were the fun ones."

Carter slipped down from the booth and merged with the massive crowd.

"How long do you suppose he'll be back for?" Blair's eyes were as dark as Chuck's.

"For as long as he can manage. I'll be surprised if he lasts until the end of the year." Chuck shrugged, discounting Carter as much as he could to make himself comfortable again.

Blair placed her hand on his leg, but Chuck tensed in response. Carter's words had stung. So Blair pulled her hand away, "I should… go check on Serena. I don't want Carter to cause her any trouble."

Chuck nodded before downing the rest of his glass of scotch.

* * *

The calm of that night had been poisoned by the return of Carter Baizen. Chuck turned cold, Blair ran interference, trying to temper Serena's effervescent nature as she welcomed Carter back into the fold, while trying to keep Nate from turning completely alpha and slamming his fist into the other blond's face. Carter was clearly enjoying dancing with Serena too much, but somehow, the night closed without any real drama.

Saturday passed for Nate and Chuck in a dense cloud of pot smoke. As night fell, Chuck turned his might to venturing out to Victrola. A knock on the door penetrated their haze. Serena had come to check on Nate. By the time Chuck had freshened up and given the pair a few minutes, it was clear he would be flying solo tonight.

Alone, at his table, he turned the scotch glass in his hand over and over again with his thoughts. Mostly he cursed Carter Baizen's existence, disrupting the order of their world. He thought of Blair- she wouldn't go for Carter, right? His mind kept shifting. How would the Kiss on the Lips party turn out? And then, what should he give her for her birthday? It could not be anything overt, and certainly nothing he _wished_ he could give her. And… Cotillion. After her birthday, Cotillion would consume her thoughts. It was a challenge he still had not found an answer to. When, and how, to ask her and more importantly: how to get her to say yes.

Frustration began to well up inside of him, his eyes lifting to stare at the bright colored lights flashing on the stage. His body felt tense with all the desires and troubles mingling in his mind. He downed his glass of scotch and turned his eyes to the dance floor, wondering if he should take a lover tonight in order to lick his wounds. He didn't like the feelings sitting in the bottom of his stomach, trying to erode the things he knew, so confidently, to be true.

That's when his eyes caught on a deep red dress, clinging to sinful curves, and the silken, chocolate colored hair cascading down her back. She turned her head towards him, glancing over her shoulder. Beautiful red lips, full of potential, curling into a seductive smile. She slipped into the shadows, pulling him with her as he stood and walked across the club. She leaned against the wall, waiting for him to open the door to the secret room. Quickly, the door was thrown open and Chuck pulled her inside.

He kissed her hard, in warning. Then he pulled away abruptly, turning to lazily sit back on the sofa. He grinned when Blair fluttered her eyes open in confusion, once the spell of his kiss had worn away. His anxiousness clashed with his desire, making his thoughts dark. "There are costs associated with using this room tonight."

Blair, still standing a few feet away from him, tilted her head, "Like?"

"Underwear off."

Easy enough, Blair thought. Without having to lift the dress too much, she slipped out of her panties, dropping them unceremoniously to the floor. "Next?"

Chuck reached inside his jacket as he spoke, "I'll be generous tonight. You can use one of these," He proffered a flavored condom, "But I finish in your mouth."

Stepping towards him, she leaned down and took the condom from his hand. Locking her eyes with his, she wet her lips, toying with him as she hesitated in her reply. With a flick of her wrist, she threw the condom on the ground. "Anything else?"

"Yes," his voice was low, "your apology."

This threw Blair slightly off balance. Her apology? "What?"

She watched his lips curl before he yanked her down. She fell into his lap, but rather than letting her stay there, he pushed her further down, until she lay on her stomach, her hips pressing against his thigh. He pushed her dress up over her waist; with her underwear gone, her pretty ass was left exposed. He gave it a short, sweet smack as an example, "You have some outstanding apologies. I think it's time you gave them."

"But, I…" Blair's mind spun trying to find what he was looking for.

Another light smack, making her gasp in surprise. Her mind fell back to what had brought her here, and she saw it. Carter. Carter had stung them both, but most of that was her fault. Her fault from a decision she made years ago, at that stupid party.

Chuck pulled his hand back.

"I'm sorry."

The hand paused, waiting.

"I never _wanted_ to kiss Carter that night. It was just… easy."

"Good." His hand still fell. Harder than any of the last, accepting her guilt and apology with the healthy smack of his palm meeting her round backside. "Next."

A rush of hot panic ran through her, next? So she threw out an answer before his hand fell again, "I'm sorry I didn't smack him harder last night!"

He chuckled at that but still gave her a light smack, "I don't doubt that, but no. Try again."

Her mind scrambled, trying to pull up memories of when he was unhappy with her. "I'm sorry about… this summer. When you heard me playing the Prèlude."

This caused Chuck to take pause. Whatever it was that was sitting in his stomach jolted, the memory making him feel a little ill and more than a little bitter. The following smack was harder than he should have let it been and he heard Blair let out a small cry.

But she felt it all now, the stinging, the burst of pain and heat when his palm burned against her. She was drinking in his pain; all that Carter's return, his bitter words, had dragged to the surface. She was acknowledging the unseen scars she had marked him with, and after her little yelp, she repented more. "I'm sorry I left that morning, after you took care of everyone. I'm sorry I ran away when it was what you had always asked me _not_ to do. To never hide from you."

The responding slap was greatly weakened as Blair's words reached through the bitterness. Her voice was remorseful as the words continued to spill, "While it was the right thing to do, I'm sorry I didn't stay with you that night, after Victrola."

Thinking she was done, he pulled his hand back for a final slap.

"I'm sorry for Ibiza…"

His hand froze. He froze. Ibiza? What was she sorry for in Ibiza?

But her voice regained its strength as she recalled that time and place, "I'm sorry you were a gentleman."

His hand found its force again, smacking her ass low, hitting in part, that delicious juncture at the apex of her thighs. How dare she say that, how dare she even imply that she wishes that night had ended like…

"I'm sorry we didn't wake up the way you said-"

He shoved his fingers inside her, breaking her words into a gasp laced with surprise and pleasure. No more. Her words were cutting new wounds, and that was not the purpose of this. The hurt and pain that had balled up in his stomach had burst open, demanding to be released. He pulled his hand free, allowing her up as he pushed the salty sweet fingers in his mouth.

Blair rose up, her mind focused on _apologizing_ to him completely. Within seconds she had pulled his trousers open and taken him in hand, and then, leaning down, into her mouth. She knew the goal of her actions, but she teased him and drew his desire out, alternating sucking and caressing him, the lave of her tongue used in short bursts to make him moan but never give him relief.

Chuck's breathing was shallow, shuddering, his mind lost in a stream of sensations. Thoughts mixing with the feel of her mouth, sound mixing with memory, all causing his eyes to open and close and open again. He cursed the room with its endless mirrors. He saw his face. He saw Blair from every angle: looking up, he saw her over him, from right and straight ahead he could watch her face, her mouth, and from the left, oh, he should not have looked there. She rested on her knees, her dress still pushed up over her hips, so he could see her ass, pink from his smacks, the imprint of his hand still visible, and… her. Her sex, her rosy folds, wet with desire… desire he had stirred in her.

Desire he was determined to enjoy. Gathering what strength she had not drained from him, he slid his arm under her, then up between her legs. He felt her gasp against his cock when his fingers greeted her wet little clit, before slipping past and reaching further back. He watched in the mirror as his fingers came to curl and then finally disappear in between those perfect pink folds. Her mouth and tongue stilled a moment as he began to fuck her with his fingers, but his hips protested, thrusting up and urging her onward. She sucked him harder in response, but it just made him work her pussy harder, smirking darkly as he watched the creamy whiteness of her pleasure tainting the pinkness of her opening as his fingers jerked in and out of her.

The excitement of it all built in his body; his balls ached, it wouldn't be long now but… he wanted it all. All he could take at this point and time. So his thumb reached up, circling with light touches and rough touches, her swollen clit. She gasped, pouting a few small cries as her head moved up and down on him, her hand tightening around his shaft, just as he felt her tighten, hard, around his fingers. But still he stroked her, rough and unyielding, insuring she felt every inch of his fingers inside her as she orgasmed.

In her blinding pleasure, she held him tight, sucking hard because it was all she could do. Which is when she felt his other hand guiding her, pressing her head down as his hips jerked up, once… twice, then a quick third and fourth time as he shouted behind clenched teeth. Greedily, she took him in, blissful in her own heightened state, and proud of drawing him to such a complete breaking point.

Exhausted, Chuck let his hands drop from her. He couldn't remember closing his eyes, but when she pulled away, he opened them. Surprisingly steady on her feet, he watched her walk to her discarded panties and slip them back on. He found it annoying; he was ready for a nap and not keen on moving in the least right now. She looked at him, curious at his general non-response in the past few moments. Walking back to him, she grasped his cock once more, tucking him away, her voice sugary sweet as she corrected Chuck's appearance, "Do you need help?"

He trembled a little at the sensation of his zipper rasping back up to where it belonged. She purred, cruelly, "And here, I thought you were Chuck Bass."

"I am," He stretched out languorously, "But you're Blair Waldorf."

He pulled her back into his lap and he kissed her. He had meant to simply hold her, but his hands found her thighs, sliding up, he squeezed her ass, making her gasp; he had forgotten so quickly. "Sore?"

"A little… but I'm looking forward to it." She kissed his mouth again before he could tease her about the truth of her reply. She felt herself melting; being pulled in by him again. With a shake of her head, she escaped his kisses and stepped back to stand once more. "I need to go."

Chuck pulled a sad little pout, his body deflating from sitting upright into laying out on the sofa. "Or you could stay?"

Blair rolled her eyes and sighed, "I think I've spoiled you enough for one night."

Turning with a quick snap, she flicked her hair and went to the door. Before slipping through it, she half turned back to him and smiled, "Sweet dreams, Bass."

* * *

The week passed quickly. Even more quickly, Blair noticed, thanks to Chuck. He had been persistent, seeming to have taken it upon himself to keep her… tension, low. With the touch of his fingers or the press of his mouth, he put the world on pause and her mind on mute. While one part of her mind found it disconcerting, she still reveled in the small escapes he offered her. The morning of the party, she awoke to a beautiful bouquet of peonies. From Chuck. Which sent an odd fission through her body; the card only held the daring slashes of a 'x' and his initials. Her body responded strongly, even to this small gesture. His cologne was on the card, she could smell it, and she pressed the paper to her chest, thinking how his hand had touched the card and now, it was touching her. From all the practice she had with him this week, she carried this lightness with her through the day. Every task and emergency taken easily in hand until the very last moment. Then, it was just time to dress; the easiest part of all.

Blair was radiant as she slipped out of her town car. The Kiss on the Lips party was in full swing when she made her entrance, alone. She felt confident hosting alone, the event meant to crown her accomplishment as a lone Queen.

Chuck leaned against the wall, hiding in his shadows as he watched her walk in. She was wearing red, just like last weekend… just like the Queen of Hearts. His Queen of Hearts- Queen of his Heart. He waited there in the shadows. He wasn't sure when patience had become one of his virtues. Perhaps it wasn't, simply a virtue he had only for her. She worked the room, greeting her subjects, and he just smiled, letting glass after glass of scotch dull his thirst as he continued to wait. Just… a little longer.

The music hummed, the dance floor was covered from wall to wall as bodies throbbed to the beat. Blair stood next to the bar, swallowing her drink with satisfaction. Perfect; it had turned out perfectly. As she set her empty glass down, she felt the air shift, the skin of her exposed shoulders tingling. Turning her head, she watched as Chuck walked passed her, towards the labyrinthine maze of back rooms that held deep sofas and dark corners. Her face impassive, she paused a beat before following him in.

Further and further back she followed him, through the light and the shadows. The walls of the maze glowed various colors, each one different, casting weak light; the only illumination in the space. Couples occupied sofas and oversized lounge chairs tucked along the walls, in dark corners. Turning yet another corner, he grabbed her arm, pulling her to him and kissed her. She made a happy little purr at finally being intertwined with him and let him ease her back onto the sofa, his body coming to cover hers. Greedy hands pulled down the front of her dress, his mouth following the movement. Arching her back in invitation, her fingers in his hair urged his mouth lower, past her collarbone, he teased, kissing between the valley of her breasts slowly before allowing his mouth to ascend one of her beautiful orbs. Pulling one of her hard, pink nipples into his mouth, his hands dropped to yank the long skirt of her dress up, gathering the folds around her waist so he might be closer to her.

"Mm," Blair murmured, "Just like in the limo… all those months ago."

She rolled her hips up, feeling him there, pressed between her thighs, against _her_. She wrapped her free leg around him, holding him even closer as he ground against her. She could feel the thick hardness of him through his trousers, and the friction he was creating…

"I think this will be much better than the limo." Chuck replied as he returned to her mouth.

Blair moaned, her tongue meeting his as the struggle began. They pushed against each other, hip tightly pressed to hip, her hands tugging at his clothes. They rocked together, against each other. Minutes passed as they panted and pawed at one another, the whole time the friction causing the spiral of pleasure to tighten inside of her more and more. With a deep growl, Chuck asked her, "This is enough for you, isn't it? You're going to come, just from the feeling of me."

His words caused another layer of pleasure on top of all the sensations he was creating. But she didn't want to give it all to him so easily, "I will if you do." She panted, "Only seems fair that we both make a mess of our clothes."

She nuzzled her face against his neck and they continued to rock together, her mouth kissing just below his ear, stirring a deep moan inside him. To secure her request, she whispered, "Please?"

The force of him against her magnified. Returning to his mouth, her kiss was a sweet thank you that he answered with roughness. There was a tiny thought that he should not give into her; give her such power over him like this. But he was too far gone now, as he felt the tightness growing, listening to her gasps and moans as he moved against her. Then… he felt her stiffen against him, her head falling back, she cried- as softly as she could manage, his name.

Serena wandered through the maze of rooms, her ears peaking when she heard Blair yelling at Chuck. Carter had been bothering her, Nate had already gone home because he had a lacrosse match in the morning, and really, she just wanted her best friend. Which is why she almost screamed when…

Blair panted, gleeful, as Chuck's mouth attacked her neck. She urged him to his peak, "God, yes, Chuck. Come for me."

Carter's hand clapped over Serena's mouth and pulled her behind the wall, "Shh."

His blue eyes stared into hers until she nodded her head. They peeked their blond heads around the corner just in time to watch the end. Chuck cried out Blair's name and she kissed him in reward.

Sweet kisses, they whispered quietly to each other, the words never reaching the blond pair.

"I should clean this up." Chuck could feel the rather large mess Blair had inspired him to make.

"But I like the idea that you have to suffer my torment the rest of the night." She nipped at his lower lip.

"Only because you don't know what you did to me." He kissed her soundly in reply.

The dark couple continued to kiss as Serena and Carter pulled away.

Serena grabbed his arm, "Not a _word_ of this, to anyone."

Carter rolled his eyes, "I should buy him a drink. Glad to see she finally gave it up to him. Blair certainly did make him work for it."

"Carter." She tightened her grip on him.

He sighed, "Not a word."

Satisfied, Serena let him go. He wandered back out before her; she had to take a moment, shaken by what she had just seen. When had… wouldn't Blair have told her? Since when had that even started happening? Her best friend was… Blair… Blair and Chuck… were having sex.

* * *

AN: Anjum's edits and Aramxo's translation for the title, love you girls! Finnish for 'When We're Alone'. Mm, when they are alone indeed -_^

I leave for vacation shortly, so this is it for a few weeks! I'll see some of you in New York City and Washington, D.C.; you can terrorize me about what's next in person maybe? :) Was this at least hot enough to hold you over in my absence? Do you have a favorite line? Which of the scenes was your favorite? (Maybe I'll write more like it if you let me know!) For those of you who have read my other stories, how is this comparing on the hotness meter?

Thank you for reading, extra thank you's for reviewing, and have a safe ramp up to the holidays. Enjoy our last hurrah on Monday, I love this fandom, this ship, and I'm so sad to see the show coming to a close. Find me on social media if you want to cry with me, otherwise, I'll see you when I return around Christmas. xoxo ~K


	16. Umhle

Umhle

Serena and Blair crashed at Blair's after the party. The blonde watched as her friend snuggled down happily into the covers next to her.

"It was a good party, wasn't it, S?" Blair sighed and threw her arm over Serena, resting her head against the other girl's slender shoulder.

"Yes. You should be proud, B. Sweet dreams." She patted Blair's arm.

"You, too, S."

Exhausted, Blair was soon breathing deeply, already escaping into her dreams.

Serena stared at the ceiling. She always thought she would know when it happened. When Blair would decide to give herself like that to someone. She had imagined having to listen to Blair fret about the choice, listen to her plan when and how, and be happy for her when it finally came to pass.

And Chuck. Why wasn't he sauntering around like the cat who had stolen all the cream? Blair wasn't willing to date, but to give _that _to Chuck, wouldn't that make him happy? These thoughts clattered around in Serena's mind as she eventually fell into a fitful sleep.

It took some hours the next morning before Serena hit the point where she was brave enough to ask, and could no longer hold back the information. She had finished dressing and rejoined Blair in her room, watching the brunette primping happily in front of her vanity.

Serena sat on the bed, her face twisted, reflecting her internal struggle. "B, about the party last night."

"The brilliant party last night." Blair smiled, before catching a glimpse of Serena's face in the mirror. The distress she saw had her spin in her seat, her own happiness forgotten, "Did you not have a good time? Did something happen?"

"I saw something…" Serena bit her lower lip and toyed with her long blonde hair.

Blair was so focused on her friend, she didn't suspect anything, she just wanted to ease her friend, to cheer her up. "Nelly pining for that mop-headed Brooklynite? I'd vote for that as the low point of the evening."

Serena gave a little smile at this, but finally started to push the words out. "B, I saw you…"

Blair felt her stomach drop, but kept her face placid and acted clueless, "Saw me…?"

"I saw you, in the maze. With Chuck." Serena quickly swallowed hard and tried not to look as horrified as she felt. "Having sex."

"Having…" Blair nearly choked. "Serena. We were, I swear to you, _not_ having sex."

Serena exhaled with relief, "Oh… oh, well. I'm just so relieved! Then… wait." Golden eyebrows furrowed, trying to imagine what else it could have been that she had seen.

Blair turned back toward her mirror and fidgeted with the items on her vanity, her voice very prim, "We were just… you know. Enjoying each other's company."

Blue eyes glared, a pause of disbelief before Serena yanked Blair up and hauled her onto the bed. "_That_ is not what you are trying to tell yourself in that stubborn little head of yours."

"But we were _just-_"

"No." Serena soundly cut her friend off. "Let's get the facts here. So… you were both basically," she coughed, recalling how the top of Blair's dress was not where it should have been, "dressed?"

Blair felt like she was six and getting lectured for trying to wear tights as pants. "Yes."

"Did you come?"

Blair turned pink. When did Serena get so bold about these things? "Yes."

"And from what I saw," the blonde added a look of horror and disbelief, "he did as well?"

Staring at her hands in her lap, Blair managed a hushed, "Yes."

Serena now sat on the bed next to her best friend. "Blair. What do you think you're doing?"

Frustrated at perceived judgment in her friend's voice. "Like you don't know? The things I've seen _you_ doing."

"Stop it. This is about you, not me. You…" Serena tried cover the distaste rising up her throat at the thought, "Made Chuck come… in his pants."

"So? I mean… it's Chuck." Blair returned to being shy and sheepish about it.

"Can I say something to you?" Serena's voice lightened with this question.

"Of course, S. Anything." Only now was Blair able to look up at her best friend.

"If you were anyone else in the world and said that to me, I would agree. He's Chuck Bass." Serena rolled her eyes at the long list of exploits that name conjured up. "But, you… you and Chuck."

The brunette's demeanor turned stiff. "There can be no _actual_ 'me and Chuck'. I'm Queen. He's been my… friend… for a long time. That is all. Sometimes I drink and… things happen."

Serena instantly wondered how often Blair would drink and 'things happened'. But this was difficult territory with Blair, so she held her tongue. "What does Chuck say?" Like Serena couldn't guess a good portion of what Chuck would say- like she couldn't guess at the things he felt for Blair.

Pulling up the memory of the pool this summer, Blair struggled, trying to shut down _what_ Chuck had said that day, that one time it had ever come up. The one time anything had been said about what laid between the two of them. With a measured intake of breath, Blair replied, "He knows my situation."

"That really is your answer, huh?" Serena resigned, her eyes a sad sort of blue, her always smiling mouth pointing the wrong way.

Stiff, unyielding, Blair- no, Queen B, replied, "Yes."

Long limbs and gold wrapped around the Queen, "I'm sorry, B."

Blair gazed at her reflection in the mirror. Solid. Strong. Powerful. Her best friend draped around her in a hug. What was there to be sorry for?

* * *

The next couple weeks ticked by like all the ones before it. Blair never told Chuck that Serena knew, and life carried on. After all, what was there to know? Life in the shadows was unaccounted for, time not scheduled, no agenda to follow; all there was to follow was fingertips, kisses, his tongue…

It was the Friday before her birthday now, and they were tangled together in their secret, deep, dark corner under the stairs. His mouth was on her neck, and she rubbed happily against him, "Will you be there tomorrow night? You will, won't you?"

Chuck wanted to groan, not just from the feel of her pressed against him, or the taste of her, but also because of his answer, "I can't."

Blair grew limp in his arms, "You can't?"

He heard the confusion in her voice, "Bart. He's holding a dinner and I have no choice."

"You could… come late, it's okay."

What he heard in her voice was tearing him up inside, but he knew, "Blair," he pressed a soft kiss to her lips, "I can't do it. I can't smile and watch you all night. To not be able to steal you away into the shadows…"

She exhaled softly, rubbing her hands up and down his dress shirt, feeling his strong, warm chest. "I… I understand."

"Nate will bring my gift."

"My gift?" Her voice perked up.

"Waldorf," he castigated her. "Yes, my gift."

"I can't wait to open it." She fell back into his arms and kissed him.

* * *

Blair's birthday this year fell into two parts. Part one, was an elegant start to the evening at her penthouse. Gifts and cake and gossip. It was the select smaller circle that was invited to this portion. Part two was at Visconti, renting out the venue for the larger masses to come and celebrate with her. Between the two halves, Blair changed outfits, and made Serena do the same.

"We have to keep them waiting you know," Blair smiled as she slipped on a new party dress. It was a tasteful cream number, nothing too wild, and it would look great under the club lights.

"And you want to open your gifts?" Serena laughed, pulling on her pumps.

"Maybe just a few?" Blair ceded.

"Only if I can pick them!" Serena jumped up and hurried back downstairs to the gift table.

They opened a handful, mostly for laughs. Penelope's was some ugly glass vase… thing. Nelly's was a first edition of Camus' The Stranger in French. Fun, existentialism. Nate, clearly with Serena's help, had given her a beautiful pair of Louboutin's. Serena wouldn't give up her gift, proclaiming Blair should have one good gift left to open in the morning. But she did offer a flat, square box as the last one before departing.

"S…" Blair knew instinctively.

"I don't give a fig what you think. _I_ want to see it." Serena glared.

The box was white, completely nondescript. A silk bow of deepest blue wrapped around it, holding a tiny envelope in place. Secretively, Blair read the card first:

_The things I really want to give you don't fit in a box. -C_

Oh…

She wasn't going to read into that at all. No. Not at all. He was being dirty, right? Yes, dirty, dirty Chuck Bass.

Her cheeks had turned pink, and Serena smartly kept her mouth shut in the hopes of getting a chance to read it.

Tugging the ribbon apart, Blair opened the box. There was a nanosecond of relief when it did not contain a lavish display of wealth; diamonds, gems, finely crafted jewelry. But it was a very short-lived moment. Because it was a headband; her symbol. A beautiful headband, simple, elegant, and… her heartbeat stuttered and slowed, before jolting and racing. It was the perfect shade of blue, it's only embellishment a long, pretty blue bow, set off to one side.

Her bow.

Her mouth was so dry, but she set the box down, picking the item up and without explaining anything to her friend, managed to say, "I'm going to go put this on."

Blair stepped into the guest bathroom to set the headband just right in her hair. The tiniest smile danced on her lips. Nothing was more her, more… truly, her.

Serena stole the opportunity to grab the small card and read it. Yes, she recognized how dirty it sounded, but there were several ways to interpret it. And she wondered if perhaps Chuck meant all of them? And the gift… was really tame. But it had moved Blair, and clearly, it meant something only the two of them knew. She heard Blair's heels on the floor and swiftly dropped the card back in the box. "Time to go?"

"One quick stop first." Blair pushed the button for the elevator. Serena said nothing. There was nothing to say.

* * *

Blair knocked on the door to his suite. The sudden awareness of her brazen action, showing up like this with no warning, washed over her as she waited for an answer. It was well past when the dinner would have finished, but maybe she was disturbing him and Bart? What on Earth was she doing? She was about to go back to the elevator when she heard the door opening.

"Blair?"

The sound of his voice sent her heart racing and without warning, she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him. When she pulled away, it was with a shy smile. She whispered, "Thank you. It's beautiful." Ducking her head a little, to show him his gift nestled in her hair.

"I thought it wouldn't be too much if anyone saw you open it and, it…" He passed his hand over the top of her head, touching the blue silk, and then down her long hair. The memory from second grade still lived so vibrant in his heart, "It needed to be in your collection."

It was a weak answer, but all the gifts she had given him saw fairly regular use; the bow tie, the cufflinks, the scarf. However, all of his diamonds were special occasion only, and his little charm saw daylight only when she and Serena jointly wore their bracelets. But this… this he hoped to see more often, like he wore his scarf.

She answered him with another sweet kiss, shorter than either of them wished it to last. "I have to go… Serena is waiting."

"Okay." He gave her one last small kiss, "Happy birthday, Blair."

He watched her walk back to the elevators before sadly closing the door. Alone again, he exhaled deeply. There were _many_ good reasons holding him back. It had crossed his mind to join them all at the club, but… it was what she wanted. He had honored her birthday, and done well. And now she needed to miss him, just this little bit. It was the right thing to do, he repeated in his mind, as he threw himself into a cold shower.

* * *

Bored. She was so _bored_. Downing yet another drink, Blair hoped more alcohol might make people more entertaining. It made her laugh more, but she was still unsatisfied. The thought sat in the back of her mind, highlighted even more when she caught sight of Nate and Serena making out. If Chuck were here… She sighed into her empty glass. Goading herself, she thought to maybe make it a drinking game so that she would stop thinking 'if Chuck were here'. If he were here… What? What if he were here? Watching her. Making her skin tingle. Waiting for his chance to pull her into the dark and touch her. Being wrapped in him, feeling him, having his fingers give her a very pleasurable birthday gift. She huffed, "Another drink, please."

* * *

The next afternoon, Chuck and Blair 'ran into each other' deep in Central Park. Chuck had to keep himself from smiling too much; Blair was absolutely needy. He had never seen her so worked up before. Yet, while he would have normally been quite happy to indulge her need, there was still a larger plan at work. He kissed her and touched her, but only went so far.

"Chuck…" She whined in his ear.

"Good things," he kissed her, "Come to those who wait."

"I've been waiting…" Blair replied, pressing her body harder against his.

With a sound kiss, he silenced her. She calmed just long enough for him to speak, "Yale. On Wednesday."

He lifted her hand, kissing it briefly, before walking away.

Blair leaned back and sighed. The lengths he was going to drive her to… But a little smile curled her lips. She wasn't going to have to journey to Yale alone.

* * *

Blair work straight through Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday greeted a grey morning in the city as Blair stood under the awning of her building, tapping the toe of her tasteful little pumps impatiently. When, at last, Chuck's limo pulled up, Blair hastily pulled the door open and slipped inside.

"Good morning, Waldorf."

"You're late."

"Would it make you feel better if it were from picking up your favorite Dom for on the way home?" He purred.

"Not if I'm late," she huffed.

"You won't be late," he placed his hand on her knee, "And I'm sure your preppy little Brooks Brother's ensemble and flawless smile will have them eating out of your hand in less than five minutes."

"It's just a tour. But lunch with daddy's old classmate…" She tugged at the hem of her skirt. Taking a deep breath, she pulled some notecards out of her handbag and began reviewing them.

Chuck just sat back, pulling out his own files to work on- at least for the first part of the journey to New Haven. He was confident Blair would work herself into a frenzy soon enough, and it was his plan to enjoy wiping away every bit of her frustration. But first, he found himself waiting again, as he looked at reports on Victrola.

Eventually, his eyes felt tired and he longed for a respite. Glancing at his watch, he realized they were now halfway there. He looked up at Blair, still fixed on her pile of notecards, irritation with herself etched in her beautiful face. Rapidly, he pulled the stack away from her, letting her castigate him as he dropped them to the floor. Pinning her shoulders against the seat, he kissed her, only stopping when she had given up fighting him and relaxed. A hand trailed down over her shirt and he whispered, dropping a kiss on her neck, "You're perfect."

"Chuck," she whimpered as his head moved lower, kissing the newly exposed skin as he opened one button, then the next…

He took his time massaging her breasts, kissing the tops of them, but never freeing her from her bra. In minutes, she was squirming beneath him as he knelt between her legs.

"You're going to charm your father's friend." His hands slid up her thighs.

"Next year, the dean will love you." He listened to her pant a little as he tugged her underwear down.

"Chuck… You don't mean that." Her fingers curled in his hair as his mouth kissed up her thigh.

With a rough tug, he pulled her hips to the edge of the seat, making her gasp in surprise. Her skirt was now bunched around her waist and he gazed up at her with dark eyes, "You'll rule Yale just like you rule Constance. And I do mean it, as much as I mean this."

Blair watched with wide eyes, wanting to stop him, afraid of what he could do, how he could make her feel, but… his head nestled between her thighs and his tongue suddenly… Her thoughts were gone, her anxiousness forgotten, the moment his talented tongue stroked against her clit. Lost to him, she allowed him to spread her legs wider, his fingers teasing apart her folds, gently pulling her open. Lifting his head, he took in the sight of her on full display for him. The pale white of her skin made the pink of her sex even brighter, her hard, round clit exposed to him as well. Unable to help himself, he blew a cool breath of air over her sex, grinning when she trembled. A moment more to memorize the image of her, to make the memory vibrant and clear, he raised his eyes to gaze at her face. Her eyes shone, her cheeks flushed, and all Chuck could think to say was the truth, "You're absolutely beautiful, Blair."

He watched as her eyes widened a little, as though it were the first time she had ever heard his voice and understood the words he was saying. With a small smile of satisfaction, he gave in to his greed; his desire to taste her and drink in her beauty. His eyes dropped and he lowered his head. Pressing his mouth to her, he closed his eyes and thrust his tongue inside her. _Her_, he was tasting her, at her source and the knowledge of it made him eager to please. He was going to make her quiver and shake like never before. He knew pleasure was as mental as it was physical. With a long lick, he paused oh-so-briefly, "Do you believe me?"

Blair squirmed, wanting more of him. "Believe?" she breathed.

"You'll have all that you want. You're incredible; how could you not?"

_Believe_. _Incredible?_ Blair moaned as his tongue returned to her, zipping delightful patterns between thrusts. His tongue was incredible, his mouth… She knew to fear this; fear the intense sensations he would cause her should she give up this vulnerability to him. Minutes passed as he proved his talent, and with each flick of his tongue the thought built more and more in her mind. She wanted more, needed more, as she trembled beneath him.

"More." She sighed, tightly curling her fingers in his hair.

Lifting his head, he rubbed his fingers along her slick folds, "Only when you say you believe me."

"But, Yale…" She tried to argue as her body shook with need.

"Try again." Chuck pulled his fingers back, grinning as he watched her whole body protest: her hips rolled forward, her back arched, and her pussy tightened. Enticing her, he let one finger travel along her folds, "Believe, Blair."

Her breath caught and she felt a knot in her chest she had never known was there. Believe- in him; in herself. Her mind was swimming, his lazy finger pulling all her attention to the aching desire low in her stomach. "Please…"

Chuck licked his lips, knowing he was close, allowing his finger to wander inwards, to feel the pool of wetness he had coaxed from her, the sweet sound of it nearly breaking him, "Say it."

Blair curled her hands into the edge of the seat, his teasing driving her mad, she finally cried out, "I believe you!"

In perfect sync, his fingers drove deep inside her as his mouth closed around her clit. She gasped, her hands wound in his hair once more, her hips bucking back against him in pleasure. The full thrust of his fingers and the steady lave of his tongue after all his taunting had her reaching a fevered pitch in a few short minutes. Blair shook, crying his name as her orgasm broke over her. Chuck traded his tongue for his fingers, grasping her thighs as she writhed and allowing himself to taste her at her peak. Slowly, with long gentle strokes of his tongue, he lured her back to earth.

Blair sighed, "Chuck…"

Still, he persisted, licking and teasing her.

"Chuck." She laughed a little and tried to nudge him away, but he fought her.

"I need to get back to work." Struggling against him a little more, she finally managed to free herself. He leaned back with a sad look of longing which made Blair roll her eyes. Reaching for her long lost panties, Chuck grinned and beat her to it.

"Allow me?" He purred.

Blair sighed and allowed him to, trying to be annoyed with his slow progression as his fingers drifted up her legs and his mouth skimmed open kisses across her skin. Reaching the top of her thighs once more, his mouth assaulted her sex, taking in a last parting kiss.

Chuck grinned to himself when he finally pulled away; just as she was yielding to him again. He whispered, "You have work to do. And…" he looked at his watch, "about twenty minutes to prepare."

"Bass! You're going to ruin me!" Blair knelt down to collect her notecards from the floor.

Helping her pick up the cards, he replied, "I am trying…"

She took the cards he had recovered, using them to smack his arm in retaliation as she sat back on her side of the seat, with a humph. She then promptly returned to her cards as though he had not spent the past half hour between her legs.

As the limo crossed Yale's campus, both Blair and Chuck were mending their appearances. Chuck tidied his hair, removing signs of Blair's attack while she retouched her lipgloss. The devil in him snuck out when he watched her, and he gave into the temptation, quickly kissing her newly glossed mouth.

She complained when he finally pulled away, "Aren't you worried about…"

But she blushed, unable to really complete the sentence. She wasn't about to explain what she was worried his appearance could possibly imply.

"Don't worry," He smarmed as he put his mirror away, "I'm Chuck Bass. Having the… scent of a woman on me is almost expected."

Blair turned pink under makeup. The limo rolled to a stop in front of the admissions building, perfectly on time. She went to reach for the door handle, but Chuck stilled her hand. Leaning in, he kissed her check and whispered, "You'll be amazing. Just believe."

He pulled away to let her leave and just as she slipped from the limo, she turned her head back to give him a dazzling smile.

* * *

The tour of campus was nothing taxing, as Blair expected. But she found she was relaxed enough to take in the scenery and focus on simply picturing herself walking through this very space two years from now. Going to that building over there for poli sci lectures, spending evenings at the library, sitting on a bench under one of the great old trees, reading, and waiting for Chuc- her mind stuttered a bit at that projection. What a presumption to make; after all, why would Chuck be at Yale? Like he cared about college. Shaking away her slightly frazzled thoughts, she was serene once more in time for her luncheon.

Blair was all charm and affability as she continued to carry the warmth Chuck had brought out in her through her meeting. Her father's friend was kind though Blair had to politely skirt the choices her father had made the past few years in divorcing her mother because he was gay. As they ate in the alumni club, the dean came through and her father's friend was important enough to merit the dean's attention. Thus, Blair snagged an introduction and a few moments of conversation. She was on cloud nine by the time she was walking back to where Chuck was to pick her up.

When she slid onto the seat, she was quickly pulled to the floor. She would have cried out in shock had Chuck's mouth not already been pressed to hers as they fell back. The floor wasn't as hard as she expected and when he released her, smirk properly in its place, she saw the little celebratory picnic he had spread out for them. Thick soft blankets, fluffy pillows, the promised bottle of Dom, with fruit to nibble on. Smiling, she tucked her feet under her, snagged a glass, and let Chuck pour.

"To our futures." Blair offered as a toast.

"To our dreams." Chuck added.

They drank for a little while, Chuck absorbing the smile on Blair's face and enjoying the comfortable silence in her company. After her second glass did he finally ask how her day had been.

"It was perfect, Chuck. The tour, lunch… I was even introduced to the dean."

He wondered if that smile would ever leave her face? "So, another bet I win?"

"Bet?" Blair raised an eyebrow, curious as to his meaning.

"You're amazing," his voice rumbled in a deep rich tone, "but you had not wanted to believe me."

She lifted her head high in response, "I hardly felt the day was going to go _poorly_."

"But," his free hand drifted up her leg, "I did do my part to hedge the bets."

Cupping his face, Blair swiftly kissed him, leaving her mouth to linger over his in a teasing, playful means of thanks.

When she pulled away, she felt a wave of shyness as she recalled her thoughts during the tour. She took another long drink of champagne before bravely setting her glass aside. She fidgeted with a pillow, Chuck's eyes watching her with curiosity, sensing the change in her mood as she watched her fingers glide along the seam.

"Chuck…" She began softly.

"Hmm?" His reply was casual, hoping to put her at ease.

"I was wondering at one point today… what you were going to do after we graduate?"

Chuck had been lying on his side, but now he lay back fully and gazed out of the sunroof. "Are we graduating eighth grade all over again?"

_Who will you be in four years? My dark knight?_

Blair laid back to mirror him, "You never answered me then. Will you now?"

"I don't know if I have a reason to go to college… Bart might just put me straight to work?" He replied, his tone neutral, just like his feelings on the topic. He really had no idea what would make the most sense for him.

Her voice was light, dream-like, as she spoke, her happiness and the Dom loosening her tongue, "I was walking across campus and it was so beautiful. The autumn air, leaves crunching under foot, and I saw this beautiful old tree with a lovely bench beneath it. I imagined myself sitting there…"

Blair paused a moment and Chuck turned his head to look at her, wondering where her musing was going. He could see what she was painting in his mind, how perfect she would look, completely poised and at home in a place of such beauty and greatness.

"I saw myself reading but… I had this feeling and realized I was… she was waiting…"

Chuck's chest swelled. Blair stumbled through even saying that many words. So he thought he would spare her, his mouth quickly finding hers, wanting to feel her so close to him. Two years from now, she wanted to wait under that tree for him. Some part of her knew she would miss not being near him. It was all he could do to not ask her what she wanted, to tell her that he would give her anything. To help him hold his tongue, he simply kissed her endlessly.

They made out most of the way back into the city, only pausing to take a light nap- Dom in the afternoon will do that. Both were light, small happy smiles shared between them when Blair was finally returned home. She consumed his thoughts the rest of the day and into the night. He felt the moment would never be better than this with her. Tomorrow night, he would do it. Peonies in hand, down on one knee, just like for the ball, he would ask to escort Blair to Cotillion.

* * *

AN: Thanks to Anjum for her awesome edits and to Phetha for the chapter tile translation! It's Xhosa for 'beautiful.'

Hope this was a tasty holiday update for everyone! How'd it feel? I have a few favorite lines in this one, what about you? And Chuck finally got something he wanted, rawrrrrr. Was that the best part or... something else? And what are your feelings on the ending and what might come next? Hopeful, or are you dreading it? Why?

Off to play with my dear Asian!Chuck before Christmas and family arrive. Wishing you a lovely holiday, whether you celebrate Christmas or something else entirely. xoxo ~K


	17. Jeg drømte en drøm

Jeg drømte en drøm

Chuck was still smiling when he caught a glimpse of Blair at school the next day. He could see in the swing of her skirt and the snap of her heels that she had successfully transition from her birthday, through Yale, and now her thoughts were on Cotillion. A few smooth words to one of her minions and Chuck knew that Blair had not yet selected her escort. So it was with a light step that Chuck left school that day, confident to set his plan in motion. Just after he and Nate had their afternoon smoke.

Had both boys not been so distracted with their own thoughts, they might have noticed that neither was smoking much this afternoon. Chuck was only smoking to take the edge off of his nerves; she would say yes, right? Still, they smoked, and mumbled about classes for a little while.

Nate's phone buzzed on the table. He cursed, stubbing out his joint, he apologized, "Got to go, first fitting. You know how fussy girls can be with these things."

Chuck merely shrugged his shoulders, "I wouldn't worry, Nathaniel, Serena's pretty relaxed."

"Yeah, right. Well… catch you later." Nate slipped his jacket back on and headed out the door.

Waiting an extra moment to ensure Nate's departure, Chuck quickly swung into action. Dressing his best, he left to pick up the required peonies and head to Blair's.

* * *

Blair felt wonderful, adjusting her headband as she gazed in the mirror. It was the one Chuck had given her for her birthday; she just could not help herself. Touching up her lipgloss, she smiled. Could life get any better than this? With one last fluff of her curls, she stood and left her room.

* * *

The elevator rang and Chuck confidently strolled into the Waldorf penthouse.

Dorota came forth. "Hello Mister Chuck."

"Good evening, Dorota. May I see, Blair, please?"

"I'm sorry, but Miss Blair is not in."

Chuck turned the peonies in his hand a moment, his face pulling tight, his brow furrowing in confusion.

The look made Dorota nervous; Chuck Bass never suppose to look that way. "She out. She say Cotillion just around the corner and there so much to do already."

He felt it, something in his stomach. "Oh. Thank you, Dorota."

His instincts had never failed him, but once, just this once, he desperately wanted them to. Turning back to the elevator, he slid his phone out of his pocket.

* * *

Nate tapped out a quick reply on his phone as the tailor adjusted the length of his trousers.

Blair hovered close, scrutinizing the tailor's alterations. It was hardly Savile Row, but…

"Cotillion has to be perfect," she lectured, reaching up to adjust his bow tie. A small frown flickered across her face, recalling when she had fixed Chuck's bow tie last year…

"My mother's atelier will make a bow tie for you to match my dress."

"Is that really nec-" Nate began, but stopped at Blair's glare.

"Perfection. We're being presented in front our peers and our families. It must be nothing short of perfection." She preened a little, taking control as she smoothed her hands over his lapels, "Plus, you have to look your best to really make Serena jealous. She won't be able to take her eyes off you."

* * *

Chuck was glad he could see into the store from his limo. He wondered if he could have stayed standing at the image he saw. Nate was getting fitted for his Cotillion outfit. With Blair. Somehow he did not let it crush his heart- not yet. Blair was just being Blair, a tactician with her dating procedure. Seeing her at Nate's side gnawed at him; Nate was light, easy-going, so many things Chuck was not.

But Nate? What was Nate doing? He wanted Serena, not Blair. Serena… Phone in hand once more, he sent a text message to someone else this time. _Victrola, fifteen minutes. _

* * *

Serena floated in, ever golden and ethereal. "Hi, Chuck!"

Drink soon in hand, she grew curious as she watched him down more scotch. "Is there something you need from me? Is everything okay?"

"Who is your escort for Cotillion?" His voice was measured, careful in his questioning.

"Nate, of course, why?" Serena still smiled.

"Then he's asked you?" His voice still measured.

"Well, not yet, but you know Nate. He's probably just forgotten that he didn't actually ask me properly, it'll be fine. I already found this really great dress…"

"Serena." Chuck cut in, watching her pause mid-sentence. "You and Nate are not a couple."

"So?" Serena shrugged.

"So aren't you assuming-"

Now it was Serena's turn to cut him off. Her easy demeanor growing defensive, "I am who I am, Chuck. Nate knows that, he accepts me, imperfections and all. Just because I don't call him my boyfriend or that we don't go on formal dates doesn't mean Nate doesn't understand how important he is to me. He knows I want to go to Cotillion with no one else but him. I don't have to say it, and neither does he."

Chuck swirled his glass of scotch as she finished her 'I am Serena van der Woodsen' speech before he swallowed the fluid in one long burning go. The burn was good, but it could not burn his realizations away. Blair was not only hurting Serena- her best friend, by doing this, but his best friend as well. Not to mention his own heart…

He stared at Serena, not wanting to believe Blair was capable of this.

Serena watched Chuck in return, her nerves growing in the silence between them.

His tongue felt thick with bitterness. "You're wrong, Serena."

"No, Nate would never-"

"Don't listen to me, that's fine but…"

Without looking at the screen, Chuck sat his cellphone on the table. He locked his eyes on the stage as Serena picked it up, witnessing Nate being fitted with Blair at his side. He did not want to see her face, he was afraid to see her expressing the feelings he refused to show. "Do you need another drink?"

Suddenly, Serena was not glowing as much, and she whispered, "Yes, please."

* * *

The days flipped by quickly for Blair, with school, Cotillion, and Paris for Thanksgiving. Arriving home late on Sunday, she checked in with Nate, happy to hear his tux was due for its final fitting. "Is tomorrow night good?"

"Actually, I have plans. Is Tuesday alright?" Nate felt uneasy, but it didn't show in his voice.

"Sure, that sounds good. Meet you there at 4."

* * *

Walking out of school Monday afternoon, Blair hugged Serena's arm. "S! What do you think of doing some early Christmas shopping? Bendel's, Barney's, or Bergdorf's?"

"Maybe a quick stop at Bendel's? But I have to go home and get ready for a date."

Blair's feet stumbled to a stop, "A date? Since when do you date?"

"Since the right boy asked me, that's when." Serena's smile was beaming.

* * *

Standing across the street from Serena's building, beret in place, Blair watched as Nate greeted Serena for their date.

Through her nerves, she missed the tingle that usually warned her.

"Spying on Serena? Couldn't a minion do that for you?" Chuck's voice was full of amusement.

"I had to see it with my own eyes." Blair held her head high, indignant at his comment.

"Aren't you happy for them? They seem to have really figured out what they wanted." Chuck's words were honest, surprisingly free of the jealously that he felt alongside the happiness for his friends.

"Yes, but…" Blair began to panic as she watched the blond pair.

Chuck groaned, "Oh, I can't believe he took me seriously."

Nate was holding out some folded paper.

"Isn't that the game-" Blair began, but Chuck finished her sentence.

"-all the girls played in 3rd grade? Yes. He couldn't decide where to take her for their first date, so he's making her pick instead."

Blair looked horrified and Chuck just shook his head, as Nate put the cootie catcher over his fingers. But Serena was laughing as she played; she found it cute as she picked a number, and then a color, before they took off for dinner and their chosen date. She threw her arms around him in a sweet hug and Nate smiled before pulling her into a kiss.

"But he's my escort…" Blair whispered, completely lost.

"Well, it is _just_ a date." Chuck watched her closely.

"That everyone will be talking about tomorrow. But he's _my_ escort." Blair's jaw clenched.

"He doesn't have to be. There's still a few weeks; you could let them go together, let them be happy." Chuck offered carefully.

But this wasn't his Blair anymore. Not the one who still kissed him under the stairs, not the one who would wait for him under that large old tree at Yale. This was Queen B, and the only person who broke her rules was _her_.

"I am Queen!" She bit back. "No repeats in my calendar, he's been approved before all of _this_ happened. He's captain of the swim team, lacrosse team, and a star runner. There is no one to replace him. Anyways, it's just one night. Serena of all people will understand."

Chuck watched as she stormed back to her waiting town car, crushing his heart under foot. She never looked at his face and certainly never heard the whisper of his voice saying her name.

* * *

AN: Anjum's edits once more. Chapter title translated by Chairfan (on Tumblr). Danish for "I Dreamed a Dream".

Not as long as your use to, but a lot of action. How was it?

When I talk about fanfic, I'm always quick to say what makes it so wonderful is the community. This is rather like a relationship in my mind. So whether it's the end of the show, or seasonal affective disorder, or what, I want you to know I'm feeling really low and it's making it hard to write. The next update will be fine, but where it goes from there, I can't really say. I can't get excited about it. I'm not trying to mess with you, or beg, or play games, I just wanted to let you know I'm having trouble right now and put it somewhere you might see it. I try to never make you wait too long for updates, but I don't know if I can promise that soon. xoxo ~K

P.S. Thank you to all the lovely anon reviewers I have! I so wish I could reply to you (as well as you, Zutterbug) to let you know how much I enjoy reading your thoughts on the story. Come find me on Tumblr (MegamiTenchi) if you ever want to talk.


	18. השמש שוקעת

השמששוקעת

By the end of the week, it was well confirmed by the masses at large that Serena and Nate were officially a couple. And still, Blair said nothing. So after the morning meeting on the Met steps, Serena lingered. The minions walked on, but Blair paused when her best friend had not joined them.

Standing on her long legs, the blonde stood on the steps, Blair looking so small below her. "Blair, can we talk?"

"Sure. What's up, S?" Blair gave her a pretty little smile.

Serena took a deep, steady breath, "Please let me go to Cotillion with Nate."

"S…" Blair walked back up a few of the steps, "You know I can't do that. It's a week away, and more than that, I'm Queen. There are rules and precedent. If I do this for you, what does it say to everyone else? I'm sorry, but I can't."

"But… but you can change your mind!" Serena wasn't ready to give up yet, "If you simply chose to go with someone else…"

Blair watched her golden friend with a blank face, not following her line of thought at all. Change her mind? To what? Nate was the perfect date for Cotillion.

"What about Chuck? You two are so-"

"Chuck? You want me to not just make an exception for you, but to break another one of my rules- and for Chuck?" Blair was flabbergasted.

"Blair…"

"Never the same person twice in one year. _Never_."

"But, Blair, please." Serena stepped down to be level with Blair, "Think about how he makes you feel, when he took you to London, and in Ibiza, when you two-"

The tiny brunette was trembling, at odds with herself as the memories and feelings surfaced with Serena recalling them. But in those few moments, rage and denial won, the fear of letting anyone hurt her, like her mother had been hurt, ruling over all else. "No. Rules are rules, Serena. You know that. Chuck knows that, he knows better than to even ask, unlike you."

"Or because he knew better than to _try_. Not because it isn't his desire." Golden hair, golden skin, and now, golden tongue?

Brown eyes narrowed, "We are done here."

Blair turned and walked down the steps. Serena balled her hands into fists at her sides, refusing to let her friend have the last word, "Don't do this!"

It was a plea in Blair's ears. But she refused to hear it. The world had its order and that was all.

* * *

The week of Cotillion was freezing cold. How odd that the city's weather should reflect the attitude of its Queen? Dance rehearsals at the studio were a mess of tension and friction. Blair dancing with Nate, Nate watching Serena dance with Carter, Carter watching it all as Chuck watched Blair and completely ignored his debutante. Heated looks, looks of longing, looks of frustration, yet all stepping lightly on their feet, practicing the social graces this ancient institution had taught them in order to avoid an explosion.

Chuck had carefully distanced himself from Blair and she pretended not to notice. But Serena continued to cause whispers and gossip, finding sensational ways for her and Nate to go on dates. It grated on Blair, but there was no yielding, no matter what anyone whispered. Her and Nate would go to Cotillion together and it would be brilliant. All the other girls were just jealous because who _wouldn't_ want to be on his arm?

To top it all off, Blair had been chosen to be featured in the New York Times 'A Night Out With…' column. She counted all her lucky stars that Nate was her escort. His athletic accomplishments offset her academic ones well, and they would photograph brilliantly. As she sat through the interview, something began to ball in her stomach. Her night out with had to actually become a night out, and steadily, with all the gossip and tension, the pressure of her debut, and now this article, 'what if's' began to drift into her mind.

* * *

By the night before Cotillion, her thoughts and insecurities had worn Blair into a mess of finely frayed nerves. It had wormed into her mind that Nate could simply abandon her, what if he did not show up? It would ruin everything. Her wild, frantic mind spun and she grasped for control, a guarantee at any price. She was Queen and no one was going to ruin this for her.

She primly stood in front of Chuck's table at Victrola. Blair felt his eyes running over the silky green blouse, her simple wool skirt, and seeing right through her.

"What brings you here?" Chuck asked coolly, tossing back his scotch, a pre-emptive burn in anticipation of the one she would cause him.

"I need a favor."

She did not disappoint; he felt her request curdle in his stomach. His looked up from his glass and gazed at her, eyes hard and dark. She swallowed nervously, afraid of his response. Until he stood and walked towards the secret room. With a small exhale of relief, she turned and followed him.

When the door clicked shut behind them, the sound of the club on the other side muted and forgotten, he turned to her, his eyes black. "What does the Queen require?"

Blair saw his darkness, but her desire for control pushed her forward, "Ensure Nate shows up tomorrow night. You're his best friend, if he was thinking of abandoning me… you. You could stop him."

Disgust rolled in Chuck's stomach. She would go this far. He knew she would, but hoped she would not. He stepped to her and began to work the buttons of her blouse. It was a deep growl, "It will cost you."

He heard her voice quaver, just a little, "What do you want?"

Blouse open, he rested his hands on her shoulders. "For you to please me."

There was the slightest hint of relief; he had not tried to demand her virtue. Her hands reached to unfasten his trousers, but he pushed them away, doing the task himself. "No. This isn't meant to be at all enjoyable for you."

His pants opened, he paused to turn his attention to her. Her blouse was completely open, but he moved to push it off her shoulders. Blair moved to slip her arms free from the sleeves, but again he stopped her. "No, leave it." His hands moved to her hair, pulling the perfect headband away roughly, mussing her hair, "For once you cannot look perfect and collected."

Blair submitted to him; if this was the cost, than so be it. His fingers pressed so lightly on her shoulders, a gentle prompting. She sank to her knees before him, and freeing himself completely, offered her the cost of her request. He watched as she opened her pretty mouth, her head moving forward. But he let his eyes fall closed when he felt the heat of her engulf him.

That made it easier, letting him tangle his fingers in her hair and push her down, the shaft of him sliding towards the back of her throat. Not seeing that pair of big brown eyes watching him let him forget _her_ so he could feel his anger his… disappointment. He felt her hands ring around the base of him to steady the demanding pace he had her at. This only served to stroke his desire, making him even harder.

That desire unraveled the small amount of control he was exercising. His fingers held her hair tight in his fists, he shoved her down on him and held her there. He felt how tight she was around him, her head bucking back against his hands. Her confusion and panic pleased him, his cock flexing and surging with pleasure. Just another moment longer and… he released her.

He looked down, finally opening his eyes. Blair's curls were in disarray, her mouth open as she panted, and her eyes shone with unshed tears. It was a twisted smirk that curled on his lips, a sick sort of glee at seeing something of how he felt on her face. But seeing the flush in her cheeks and those eyes… it made him bitter in his heart and he pushed her back down on him.

Now, he let the rhythm, the pleasure, overtake him. He felt the pressure build, and Blair was stroking him, touching him, in all the right ways. He was so close… and with a growl, he grabbed a fist full of her hair and tugged her off of him. "No."

His other hand wrapped around his shaft, jerking hard. He panted, "This finishes how I want." He groaned, feeling the pull of his release grow stronger, "Push your breasts together. And don't look away." _Look at me_.

Blair looked down briefly, watching her hands curl around her breasts, pushing them together, thrusting them upwards in offering. Then she tilted her head back, her eyes wide, wondering if this was right, was it going to be enough for him? His eyes were darker than she had ever seen them and she felt out of her depth, sinking her teeth into her lower lip as she waited for what was next.

He jerked himself even harder and she watched how the muscles in his jaw tightened. His free hand cupped her neck, his thumb reaching up to thrust her chin forward. His eyes were so dark, so wild, and intense.

Her face is what did it for Chuck in the end. He loved her eyes, even when he was furious with her. And seeing her lip caught between her teeth recalled the day she first orgasmed at his hand. And it was enough satisfaction to bring him to his completion.

Blair was free to watch what came next, as his voice broke, a deep sound, part growl, part moan and his eyes finally broke from hers to roll back in his head. She had swallowed his come several times now, but this was the first time she would see or feel it. It came out in several intense spurts, coating her chest in a slash of sticky white. She felt it go from warm to cool as it slid a little over her skin, the realization settling that he had indelibly marked her. She would forever remember this with him, the feeling of his essence on her skin.

Finished, exhausted, Chuck staggered backwards and slumped onto the sofa. He tugged his pants into a more proper state and turned his eyes to Blair on her knees and the sight of her state of delicious violation. Tucking the image into memory for his future nights alone, he regathered his strength and returned to her. She had not moved from the spot, but simply waited for him. He knelt down and pulled out a handkerchief, using it to clean up his mess. When the task was done, she buttoned up her blouse without a word. Only when the job was truly finished did she look at him once more and speak, "So you will do it?"

"Blair…" He didn't want to. None of this was what he _wanted_. He could shake her, but all she did was break his heart more.

"You said there was a cost- I've paid it!" Blair shot up, towering above him, her eyes full of fury.

Not to be dominated, Chuck now stood, his gaze unyielding. "There's an easier solution to _all_ of this."

Her eyes narrowed. She wanted what she wanted.

Chuck took her hands in his, "Be with me. Let me escort you to Cotillion tomorrow night."

Blair felt like the world had shifted beneath her feet. How had she not seen this coming? Serena saw it, hadn't she? She kept her face blank, but her eyes were locked with his and the darkness in them was now somehow different. Different, but still horribly terrifying. This was the answer to nothing. What would people say, and the article in the Times, if she dared say yes? A disaster… she would be so exposed. The judgement, the whispers, none of it was acceptable. "No. I'm Queen."

"That doesn't matter, Blair!" He knew she was going to say that. It was her answer to everything. "Can't you see what you are doing to everyone? Because all you care about is being _Queen_. Does Nate's image mean that much to you?"

"Everyone likes Nate. He's sweet and perfect." Part of Blair loved pushing him, it's what he deserved for dangling all his dalliances in front of her.

Disgusted, he dropped her hands. He sneered at her need for perfection. What else did she imagine had to be perfect? So he pushed her back, "Sweet and perfect? A perfect lap dog. Are you planning to surrender your virtue to him as well? Go for the whole picture perfect package?"

"Why not?" She wanted to watch him break, so she said it.

He grabbed her shoulders hard, "Don't even joke about that. You wouldn't do that to Serena, and Nate has deep feelings for _her_, not you. You should have feelings for a person when you have sex."

Now it was Blair's turn to crack; laughing, she shoved his hands off of her, "Feelings‽ Is that what you had for _all_ of the women you have slept with? All the women you had toyed with and fucked and then thrown aside? Who are you to lecture _me_ about sex?"

Chuck swallowed hard, the truth of the thing a bitter pill to swallow. No one had ever said what he did was right. His pause gave Blair time to continue on.

"And how dare you try to tell me _what_ I can do. I'm the Queen! Not you, or anyone else, can tell me what to do." She seethed, "Your desire has made you weak."

His desire… she knew _nothing_ of his desire, because she could never truly see it. "And your stubbornness has made you blind. Are you willing to break a man?" Chuck grasped her chin, staring down at her, "Break a man, so then he will tear open your chest and show you your beating heart?"

Blair stood tall, her eyes hard, her breath measured as she glared back at him with every ounce of the Queen in her. Chuck disengaged, turning back to the shallower argument. But he had warned her. His eyes lightened, his voice soft, resigning to speaking the truth. "Nate loves Serena, even if he takes you to Cotillion. Go with _me_, Blair."

"No! Why would I?" Blair felt so much pressure, everything flying out of control. Why wasn't Chuck letting this go? He had stopped speaking- nothing, just… staring at her. Her thoughts and emotions continued to reel, spinning further out of control under his intense gaze. The madness in her cracked, filling in wide gaps she could never see before and pining the truth in the darkness. "Why? Because _you_ love me?"

The room suddenly seemed darker, colder, his eyes were not soft and beautiful as they had been a minute ago. But she had lost it and she needed to get out of this room. A cruel smile twisted on her lips and with a harsh laugh, she grabbed her bag. But Chuck snatched her arm and in a breathless flurry, he held her, pulled her tight against him, pressing his mouth to hers.

Underneath all of it, her anger, her fear, her need to rule, she felt it. His kiss was sweet and pleading, full of his need for her, his desire for her, his… love, for her. Her heart surged, it was beautiful- this kiss, him, his feelings. But no… no! Pain, this would all lead to pain- and weakness! She felt her throat tightening, the image of her mother crying in the kitchen bright in her mind's eye. The way the sobs wracked her mother and her father lamely tried to comfort her with pathetic, lying kisses.

With a small cry, Blair broke away, "No!"

She wrenched free from his grasp, unfelt tears streaming down her face as she flew from the room.

Chuck watched her flee, crushed for a moment, before the sound of the door slamming shook him free. He should have denied it- he should have laughed and said no. But he couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't play with her, scheme and touch her, without wanting it all. Not anymore. With a growl of frustration and rage, he lifted a heavy glass bottle of scotch and threw it against the wall. Shards of crystal and mirrored glass met and shattered, pieces protruding from the wall like the thorns on a rose, the amber fluid splashed across the glass, the light and shadow of destruction creating a Rorschach inkblot- but Chuck didn't want an analysis. He saw his broken reflection a million times in the fractured mirror as his hatred grew.

Blair had rushed out the first door she saw, the burning red word 'exit' her guide. It did not lead back into the club like she expected, but an empty hallway. The music of the club was a distant, dull thud, and she paused to gather her composure. Leaning back against the door, her breath shuddered, and lifting her hands, she stared at them, watching them tremble. A tear fell into her palm and with a gasp, Blair realized she was crying. Angry with herself, horrified with this wash of feelings, she forcefully brushed the tears from her face. A loud crash emanated from the room behind her, the sound traveling through door. Fear jolted through her body at the sound of destruction. Chuck…

And with that, Blair was once more running.

Inside, Chuck's rage still burned as he continued to destroy the room, shouting his anger- knowing no one would hear him under the sounds of the club. Blair had chosen the difficult path, yet he was the one suffering for it. He found her forgotten headband on the floor. Picking it up, he snapped it into pieces, his fury breaking into resignation with each crack. He held the broken bits of the accessory in his hands for several long moments, the sickening feeling of acceptance of this fate making him want to gag, to be ill all over. Wild with the consuming sense of disgust, his eyes caught on an unscathed bottle of vodka. Grabbing it, he took a long drink, endless, until he passed out in the room of shattered mirrors into a black sleep.

* * *

AN: Anjum's awesome editing once more, I had such a hiccup in this one, she did a great job! Title translated into Hebrew by Avivush, meaning 'Sun Sets'.

Thank you for all the kind messages/reviews after the last update. Like I said before, writing fanfiction in my mind is not just writing, but also a relationship. So hearing how this story makes you feel and what it means to you to read it means a lot to me. For my part, it's my job to let you know that yes, I got this chapter up after about ten days, but that I can't keep that up anymore at the moment. I'm not abandoning the story at this time, and I don't want to, but I just want you to know *I* don't know what's going to happen.

With the morose stuff out of the way, how was the chapter? Cotillion is tomorrow, and with a night like that, what is going to happen? What is Chuck going to do? Will Nate show up? Does Blair have a backup plan? What about everyone else? Carter? Serena? Penelope? All I know, is I'm sure it will be a night no one will forget... xoxo ~K


	19. Draai Jou Rug

Draai Jou Rug

"Nate!" Serena squealed. The happy noise erupted into a giggle as she tossed around in the sheets of her bed, struggling with her boyfriend. "That is not what I meant when I said 'eat your breakfast'!"

Nate emerged from the covers, a lazy grin on his face. "It's a type of hunger nonetheless." He defended.

Turning, she pushed him back into the pillows as she reached for a strawberry from their breakfast tray. "Yes, but it's after one o'clock now." She fed the strawberry to him. He playfully nipped at her fingers as he accepted the treat, "I'm going to have to start getting dressed soon. And clearly I can't shower with _you_ here."

Nate pouted at this new information and Serena just laughed, "That! That is exactly why! I'll never make it to Cotillion if you don't get out of my bed!"

The mention of tonight's Cotillion shifted the mood; Serena thoughtfully nibbled on a strawberry, Nate stared down at the jumble of sheets. "You know…" he lifted his eyes up to her, "you're going to be beautiful tonight."

He offered her his brightest smile and she returned it while leaning in to kiss him, "Thank you."

Serena ruffled his hair after the sweet kiss, "Nate…"

Reaching up, he softly touched her cheek, a soft, "Hmm?" rumbled in reply.

"You trust me, right? You know that tonight-"

Nate stopped her with a kiss, quelling her rising nervousness. Breaking apart, he cupped her cheek and gazed into her eyes, "Tonight will be fine. You'll be beautiful and amazing and while you may not be on my arm, I do know where your heart is."

His words brought the smile back to Serena's face and he leaned in to kiss her once more.

But instead of a kiss, he found his girlfriend's hands on his shoulders, shoving him out of bed. He stumbled, trying to find his feet. Then snagging his boxers up from the floor, he dragged them on as he turned to glare at Serena. She was happily snacking on another strawberry with no regret. He tried to pout at her again but she already had an answer ready for that. "You should check on Chuck."

* * *

Chuck groaned at a persistent buzzing noise. He would have sworn it was his head, but as he groggily regained more consciousness, he discovered the sound was his phone. He tried to move, his body heavy, reality pressing down on him. His arms moved a little and he heard the sound of glass scrapping; that made him even less willing to open his eyes. His hand throbbed with pain, registering the sensation that something was cutting into his palm. And that damned buzzing noise.

With a furious growl, Chuck sat up. His nerves screamed in protest, the automated lighting turned on, and he finally pulled his dry, tired eyes open. He was met with the ugly, jagged reflection of himself, repeating infinitely into the future. Victrola. That was all it took for him to remember why he was on the floor of the private lounge- the now destroyed private lounge. Disgusted once more, he looked down at the hand that was screaming in pain. It was cut and bloodied, shards of mirrored glass glimmering up at him from where they were nestled in his skin. Gritting his teeth, he pulled his fist open to discover what was cutting into his palm. Broken fragments of Blair's headband had chewed into his hand, caking the pretty green material with his blood.

And still that fucking buzzing noise never stopped for more than a moment. With a sneer he finally grabbed the phone off the floor, without even gazing at the ID. "What?"

"Hey, man." It was Nate. "How are you?"

Chuck's eyes fell back to his injured hand. He could not even recall the point when he had slammed his fist into the mirrors. "I've… been better."

"I was thinking we could have a short smoke before getting dressed for tonight. My place or yours?"

"Uh, yours. And I might need a doctor."

* * *

Arthur dropped Chuck at Nate's before going to collected Chuck's clothing for the evening. Nate opened the door, and quickly skimming his friend's appearance, he sighed, "You weren't kidding were you?"

Nate helped his best friend into the house, steering him towards the bathroom, "Take a shower, by then the doctor should be here to look at you."

"Thank you, Nathaniel." Chuck offered his best friend a weak smile before pushing the bathroom door closed.

The shower burned, rubbing the dried blood from his hand burned, the doctor pulling the fragments of glass from his hand burned. But the sensations all ended up sitting in the pit of his stomach. This was the easy part, he had to keep reminding himself. Let the darkness swallow him whole tonight.

His hand was soon bandaged; stiff, it would be a bit useless for awhile as the wounds would need time to heal and close. Having a good smoke with Nate helped, clouding the sight and sound of Blair's "Why? Because _you_ love me?" playing over and over in his mind.

Dressing wasn't bad, though Nate had to help him tie his bow tie properly. His heart thumped _Blair should be doing this_. "Thanks, Nathaniel."

Pulling back, Nate lowered his head, "Yeah, no problem. I'm just sorry…"

"Sorry? For helping me today?" Chuck was trying to stay focused on the present.

"I'm sorry I never knew you and Bla-"

"You weren't supposed to know."

"But," Nate still stared at the floor, "it makes me feel like I was a bad friend. I should have known somehow. We've all just been such good friends and… I was so focused on Serena…"

"As you should have been. You know I like my secrets, and seducing Blair-"

Nate cut in, his head snapping up to give his friend a hard stare, "Seducing? You don't really expect me to believe-"

"Leave it." Chuck returned the blue-eyed stare with one of his own; deeper, darker, and much more dangerous.

It was after a nervous swallow that the blond was only able to respond, "Fine. I won't _say_ it, but I know now. And I'm just… sorry."

"Don't be sorry." Chuck reached out and gripped Nate's shoulder, "You're a good person. This is Blair's mess. Don't apologize for her actions."

* * *

The upheaval of that night had sent Blair into a mangled routine of self care. The horror of her tears had to be washed away, his kiss, the taste of him, flushed from her mouth, and his touch, his mark, scrubbed from her skin. Her tongue was numb from the rising, her pale white skin a raw pink from too much heat and too much time with the loofa and square of raw shea butter. 'What have I done?' looped in her head the entire time, uncertain if the words were coming from her head or her heart. Cold comfort was found smoothing Kiehl's creme de corps over her tender skin, the looping words fading as her hands moved up and down, back and forth, the soothing rhythm of 'I am Queen' rising in its place, calming her into sleep.

While Serena and Nate spent a blissful morning in bed together, and Chuck missed the morning entirely, Blair spent the late morning hours mentally recuperating and assessing. But she was not thinking about the mess that had been made or the opportunities she had been given to change this. Her thoughts fixated more and more on her Queenship- it was her place, her power to set precedent, the expectation. _No one_ had the right, the power, to tell her what to do, to use her, to try and exert their will on her.

She was neurotically fluffing the white layered skirt of her cotillion dress as it lay out on her bed when the idea clicked. No one, most especially Chuck Bass, held power over her. With a small grin, she left her room, heading to the family safe. Entering the code, the door swung open, exposing the little pile of Chuck's affection. A cold shove pushed his vibrant red scarf off the Tiffany blue box containing the diamond headband. It was _exactly_ what her dress had been missing.

The glow that tinged Blair's skin that night was not one of innocent delight and excitement. It was one of relief, when Nate arrived, promptly on time. The NYT photographer snapped his pictures and the pair were off to The Palace. In the time leading up to presentations, Blair was cloistered in her flock of minions, while Nate's small smile was directed in Serena's direction and Chuck feigned cold indifference to the entire circus parade.

Blair's elation continued to climb higher as presentations passed without a flaw and the opening dances continued in that vein of perfection. She paused for a drink of water, Nate by her side, and greeted all the committee women in their turn. The exertions of the night thus far required a mandatory visit to the powder room. She meticulously went over her appearance, every hair in place, every diamond in her headband shining. When she went to return to the ballroom, she paused in the hallway, hearing a few girls talking around the corner- about her.

"… I still don't know." Blair instantly recognized Penelope's voice.

"Either way she looks flawless." A newer minion, Lisa, replied.

"I've always wondered what's with that headband- she's worn it a few other times. Do you really think it's all diamonds?" Hazel was also in the group.

"It's probably some awful fancy garbage from Paris." You could hear the sneer in Penelope's voice. "But who do we think she looked better with- Nate, or Chuck?"

"I think it's just weird that she's here with Nate. I thought he and Serena were a couple?" Hazel wondered.

"Chuck! Totally, Chuck. Don't you remember the pictures from the ball? And any time you see them close to one another… there's something there, isn't there? They look… dangerous together, their chemistry." Lisa mused.

"Nate _is_ Serena's boyfriend. So whatever Blair did to get him here, I don't like it. And from what I discovered, Blair went to that ball with Chuck because of _Chuck_." The other girls twittered in awe at Penelope's revelation.

"Really?"

"How do you know?"

"My cousin's roommate at Vassar was there. She overheard Chuck introducing Blair to the chairwoman, who thanked _Chuck_ for bring Blair to their attention." Penelope preened at exposing her research.

"That's not very…" Hazel began.

"Chuck Bass-like." Lisa finished.

"Apparently he and Blair were quite the couple at the ball. And have you seen him tonight? He looks fit to be tied! I wonder if it's because of Blair. Should we go ask him?" Penelope then pulled the girls back towards the ballroom to seek out Chuck.

Blair's fists were curled at her sides, her blood humming her veins. How dare Penelope spread such things. She would have to be reprimanded! Blair then took a deep breath, inhaling slowly, trying to calm the desire to scream in frustration. She was the Queen. That is all. She would go back in there and dance with Nate some more and everything would be fine. Sure, Nate didn't dance as well as Chuck but… Nate was her escort, and they looked fabulous together. There wasn't a girl in the room who didn't love his bright blue eyes, shaggy hair, and body fit for an Abercrombie model. And tonight he was all Blair's. She would show them all.

* * *

Safely back in the ballroom, Nate and Blair circulated a little more before dancing some more. Serena and Carter twirled nearby and Blair chatted endlessly, trying to hold Nate's attention as his gaze persistently wandered back to his girlfriend. But even a Queen's control could have no effect on what happened next. She saw Nate's face turn cold for a flash of a second before he was across the floor. The room held its breath, eyes wide, watching Nathaniel Archibald pry the wandering hands of Carter Baizen off Serena.

The bite of, "She's my girlfriend," rang through the space joined by the sickening crack of bone when Nate's fist met Carter's face. The force of it threw Carter back into the crowd of people behind him, and Serena rushed to her boyfriend's side, with Blair following right behind.

A hushed murmur tittered in that awkward moment.

"Nate!" Blair cried, grasping his arm.

"Are you okay?" Serena stood directly in front of him, her face sweet with concern as her fingers passed through his hair.

"I'm fine, I'm fine." Nate shrugged his shoulders. Lacrosse was way more violent than this; he was used to it.

Serena glanced at Blair clinging to Nate's arm. "Blair," she flashed a cold smile, "do you mind?"

Blair ignored the blonde and focused on Nate, "Do you need any ice for you hand? We should go sit." She tried to tug on his arm.

In response, Serena forced herself more into Blair's view, "I think Nate would rather sit with me. Presentations are over. He's danced with you and played along with you, but now I think you let my boyfriend go."

Blair pulled Nate a little closer, "But he's _my_ escort for the night."

It was enough. It was more than enough. Serena was done; her claws were coming out.

"Only because I let him. Only because I felt _sorry_ for you," Serena bit back.

At this, Blair dropped her hold on Nate. "Excuse me? You felt _sorry_ for me?"

"You're my best friend, how could I not? Picking which boy to take to which event like they are to be fished out of a box of assorted chocolates. After tonight, I still have my Nate. After tonight, you still have no one."

"How dare you!" Blair was floored by Serena's cutting reply. She replied with the expected answer, "You can't say that and think you're going to get away with it. I'm Queen."

"Queen? How can you be Queen when everyone pities you as much as I do?" Serena paused to watch the horror slide over Blair's face. "You refuse the social norm, not to be a stronger Queen- like you tell yourself, but because you are weak. Blair Waldorf is weak. We all know it. To choose your crown over friendship, to choose your crown over-"

"No." Blair cut in, her gaze cold, her voice soft in its rebuttal. By this point, most of their peers had stopped what they were doing and were watching the showdown, their quite murmurs humming in the background as the music had stopped.

"You love him." Serena's voice was cool as steel.

"I love no one!" Blair shouted back.

Serena let out a harsh laugh, "I have photos to prove it. You know that and most people could guess on the first try who it is. And yet… you deny it. You can stand there and deny it, wearing his diamonds?"

Blair bowed her head a little and stared at the floor a moment in distress. She didn't love Chuck. She didn't. But she was wearing his headband and thinking of his heated caresses, passionate kisses… no. She didn't love Chuck!

"You are no Queen, Blair. Just a weak, pathetic bully who would trade anything and everything for a taste of power." Serena reached up and tore the diamond studded headband from Blair's hair and threw to the floor.

The room was dead silent as everyone held their breath for those few moments.

The delicate strings of diamonds snapped as they hit the ground and scattered, the light bouncing as frail bonds broke with metallic snaps, rainbows bursting before the diamonds disappeared in all different directions, the light and color devoured by the darkness.

Blair's mouth fell open with a gasp of horror as she stared down at the broken headband. When she came back to reality, she lifted her head, quickly searching the room for Chuck. She found him in a dark corner, leaning there with a debutante wantonly hanging from him.

_I like to hide in my smoke and mirrors. _

_Your shrouds and shadows and deep dark corners._

He was hiding now, in those shadows. Chuck was not going to come into the light for her this time. His eyes were dead when he looked at her, his face completely devoid of any care or concern. The girl in his arms continued to wrap around him, his mouth on her neck, but his eyes stared only at Blair- empty, blank, unseeing. That's when Blair realized the broken headband on the floor was just as shattered as his heart.

Not one person in the room expressed a single modicum of concern for their Queen. Some faces were blank with absolute indifference, others expressed slight disbelief at what they had just witnessed. An alarming number looked as though just desserts had been served at last. But there was not one friend to be found in the crowd.

Shock held Blair's emotions in place as she analyzed what happened in these few brief moments. She had been torn down by her best friend, rejected by… Chuck, and left humiliated in the middle of her Cotillion. With a hard swallow, Blair pulled herself upright, head held high, before she turned and left.

A triumphant Serena had a victorious smile on her face as she turned and wrapped herself in Nate's arms. Nate, for all his usual confusion however, completely understood what had just passed. Especially when he felt the small tremor pass through Serena as he held her. He whispered in her golden hair, "You're a good friend."

* * *

The next morning, Chuck swiftly climbed the stairs to Blair's bedroom. He expected to find her curled up, wallowing in bed, the blinds still pulled as she hid in darkness and denial. But pushing her door open, the room was full of light. His eyes fell on her bed- it was made. But the rest of her room seemed to be missing pieces; he turned to her closet and found it in a similar state.

Blair had run away.

* * *

AN: Edits by the fabulous Anjum! Hugs and kisses to her, as well as my chat buddies! Thanks you them, and your reviews, that is how I keep going ^_^

Title meaning? "Turn Your Back" in Afrikaans. Thanks to Phetha for this one! How is this fandom full of *so* many awesome people‽

Was it what you were expecting? Did you see it coming? Was it messy enough? Can you tell I'm curious? Let me know! Tell me what you think; your favorite line or moment? I'm intensely keen to hear any speculation because well... I know what's coming next and I feel (I hope!) it's even more interesting than this!

Remember you can always come talk (terrorize? lol) me on Twitter, Tumblr, or Facebook. At the end of a long day or an exhausting day, it's your excitement that keeps me writing this story! xoxo ~K


	20. تتلاشى إلى الأسود

I'm not usually one for prefaces, but it might be worth it in terms of the mood of the story at the moment to re-read chapter 19, or even go back to 17 or 18, before jumping into this one. Happy reading!

* * *

تتلاشىإلىالأسود

**The night before**:

Blair walked out of the grand ballroom standing tall, her face calm, collected, nothing in her expression or movement showing any sign of the massive defeat she had just suffered. But as the distance between her and the horrific scene grew, her step quickened. She became aware of a tightness banded around her chest, growing tighter, making her breath into short pants and her mind feel foggy. She couldn't really understand it, couldn't focus on what had just happened, it was all too much, too many layers. Cold horror slid over her and her head began to spin a little as her tall heels rushed down a seemingly endless hallway. Her eyes were locked on the burning red light of the exit sign ahead of her; a beacon, a savior, her way out.

Her mind was numb; she had forgotten the time of year, the weather outside, or that she had no coat. It consumed all the strength she had to shove the heavy door open. If that had not drained her enough, a blast of icy wind and rain crashed into her as she cleared the door, nearly blowing her down. It was the the final stroke of defeat; the cold biting her to the bone, her mind uncertain if she should turn left or right, when her next step failed. Her gorgeous satin heels, the pristine white gauze of her dress, soaked… dirty, her hair unpinned by the wind and Serena's take down. Blair had toppled into a puddle of rain water, the universe dethroning her just as she had Penelope that first day of school.

It was in a complete daze that she felt a jacket draped over her shoulders, followed by a pair of strong hands pulling her up. He led her into his sleek black limo when it arrived moments later. Crazy with cold and disbelief, she turned into his arms, his warmth, her body wet and freezing. He didn't feel right, he didn't smell right, but that didn't matter, she wanted it to be, "Chuck."

His laugh wasn't right either, "Wrong CB, Blair."

Reality strangled the disillusion in her throat, a horrible gasp choked with the tears she was locking away. Too weak, too frozen, too numb to care to even try and pull away, Blair simply buried her face deeper against his chest. There was nothing left of her tonight; physically, emotionally, she was weary and spent. Carter was oddly, and thankfully, quiet, allowing her to thaw in his arms.

The horrid weather made the climb up Fifth take longer than it should have. But it was just enough time to stop her body from trembling and for enough strength to gather so she could carry her bedraggled self home. The limo rolled to a stop and Blair slid towards the door. Just as she grabbed the handle, she felt Carter take her other hand. Startled, she turned to see him curl his hands around hers and lower his head, dropping a bizarrely reverent kiss onto the back of her hand. When his blue eyes lifted to meet hers, it was another shock, another reminder: _not Chuck_. But it also broke her daze just long enough for her to hear him.

"If you should need anything, Blair. To get away, or… well," he bowed he head and released her hand, "I am at your service."

She was too empty to care and turning away from him, she left the limo and slipped insider her building, pretending the doorman couldn't register the disaster she had become in a few short hours. Once she was safely upstairs, she ensconced herself in her bathroom. Her entire outfit felt overly complicated; the ribbons wrapped about her ankles were unwieldy, the throbbing of her tired, aching feet not making the task of removing her shoes any easier. Peeling the once pretty gown from her body was depressing and difficult without help. It was only hours spent practicing yoga that allowed her to twist and tug the zipper down on her own, letting the tattered, muddy material drop to the floor, to be kicked into the corner.

At this point, Blair turned the hot water on to begin filling the bathtub. Undergarments were removed and discarded into the same corner as the dress. Disgust mixed with a slight desire for masochism as she tugged the remaining hair pins free, wincing when they pinched or pulled a hair or two along in their freedom. Moving to the tub as it continued to fill, she stepped into it, standing and letting its heat snake up from her feet and make her teeth chatter at the contrasting temperature. Minutes later, the large tub was sufficiently filled and Blair sank into it, wishing her whole being could dissolve into the water like her favorite bath bomb from Lush.

Her thoughts had no order, shuttling through her mind with varying levels of comprehension. The Times article, that would be unaffected. But her peers, they had thought she and Chu… and Serena, what Serena had said. But Chuck. He hadn't saved her. He may have physically been in the room, but he was gone. He had left her. So it didn't matter. It didn't matter what everyone thought, what her best friend… no, ex-best friend thought.

Chuck Bass didn't care about her. If… if he had, Blair swallowed a large and unexpected lump in her throat, _loved_ her, it was clear he no longer did.

Queen. She was no longer Queen. Now Serena was, and after such a public takedown, that meant Blair was in exile. Blair trembled; she told herself it was because the water was beginning to cool. Tugging the drain open, she watched the water surge towards the gaping hole, feeling it carry her small second wind of strength with it. Was it strength? Or the sludge of her disillusion?

On tired legs she stood, the weight of reality heavy on her shoulders. She wrapped the large bath sheet around her tiny body and suddenly, there really was nothing left. She was alone and no one cared. No one to fear her, no one to command, no one to smile at her, no one to hide away with. No one.

Her bed felt much too far away. The bathroom was warm and the floor was soft beneath her. Sinking down, the towel clutched against her chest, she curled up on the floor. The Queen surrendered and Blair Waldorf gave up.

Blair woke up cold and stiff, the soft, sticky yellow light of the bathroom still glowing down on her. The hour was still too early for Dorota to have discovered her. With more resolve than she felt, Blair lifted herself from the floor, leaving the towel behind. She felt odd; light, yet hollow. No one cared what she did today. It was a strangely damning sort of freedom. But was it freedom? Looking around her room she felt how simultaneously big and impossibly small her world was.

The events of the past few days floated through her mind like ash. Wrapping her arms around her naked body, her newly acquired isolation settled into the emptiness inside. She began to imagine trying to go out, running into people she knew. Horror began to claw afresh inside her and that is when the memory finally struck. Her steps were solid when she walked to her closet, jerking the drawer open to find clean undergarments. _If you should need anything… to get away._

Quickly, before Dorota could catch her.

* * *

Chuck dropped into the vacant chair next to Nathaniel, his easy elegance at home in the opulent Madison Room. His expression was of casual distain, but Nate and Serena knew better, especially when Chuck had called them down from their blissful sanctuary upstairs.

"What took you so long?" Nate inquired.

"Especially when we could be having breakfast in bed." Serena added with a pout.

"I had to stop somewhere after I left Blair's." Chuck's voice was cool.

Things suddenly shook together in Serena's pleasure-addled mind, "Actually, why aren't you still _at_ Blair's?"

"Because she's gone." He was beginning to hope the conversation was not going to continue at this dismally slow pace.

"That wasn't part of the plan!" Serena's alertness had increased at this news.

"Plan?" Nate was a mix of shocked confusion.

"Well, this certainly wasn't part of the plan." Chuck pushed his phone across the table to reveal a photo of Blair and Carter at the airport. "My P.I. will discover where they are running to soon- hopefully before anything happens."

Serena stared at the screen, distress etched across her face. It triggered a thought and snapping her eyes away, she pushed open her overly large Bottega tote, and rifled through it. Item in hand, she slid a wide, flat velvet case towards Chuck. Nate's brow grew more deeply furrowed by the moment. "Do I get to know what's going on here?"

"Didn't you wonder _why_ I was so encouraging that you kept your promise to take Blair, even after we started dating?" Serena thought this was the easiest way to begin.

"Because you're kind and wonderful and…" Nate started to pull his girlfriend close.

Chuck cut in, feeling in no mood for public displays, "Or it was because Blair needed a reality check."

The words halted Nate's seduction and he turned to look back at his best friend, "What?"

"When I discovered what Blair was planning with you, I told Serena."

"And that's when he made me see that… I wasn't being good to you, I wasn't being honest. You have Chuck to thank for my strength in finally asking you out." Serena nuzzled her face against Nate's and kissed him.

"But," Chuck's cut in loudly to break them up, "it also put pressure on Blair. It gave her a chance to see what she was doing wasn't right, and that she was going to hurt people that mattered to her. We tried to give her chances to change her mind. I suggested the day you two went on your first date that she switch her plans right away."

"And I asked her last week to change her mind. I asked her to go with Chuck, because I knew…" Serena gave Chuck a sad smile.

"So then what?" Nate didn't want to miss any of the pieces.

"This." Chuck held up his bandaged hand.

"You didn't-" Serena gasped.

"No. After she left. After she begged me to insure Nate didn't ditch her at the last minute, after I offered myself to her."

The silence of his friends was sickening in his stomach. Their pathetic gaze at him, he recognized it as pity, and he wouldn't stand to see it. "That's when there was no turning back." He stopped there to let Serena finish painting the picture.

"When Chuck didn't call it off, I knew our last choice, our hardest one, had to be made. The Queen had to die so that maybe we could have our friend back."

"So you had planned to attack Blair?" Nate had recognized Serena's upset after humiliating Blair, her best friend, but that it had been planned? No. He looked from Serena to Chuck. "And I wondered why you hadn't stepped up to help her!"

"Yes. You attacking Carter was just icing on the cake, really. It cemented your clear feelings for Serena even more in everyone's view, making Blair's actions look even worse."

"What was suppose happen next? How was all this going to fix anything?"

"Well, that was all going to be on Chuck." Serena eyes moved from Nate back to Chuck.

Chuck fidgeted with the case she had turned over to him, "I was just… going to be there for her. I know she wouldn't have talked to me or maybe even seen me, but I would have sat outside her bedroom door all holiday if I had to, just to prove how…"

He wouldn't finish that sentence. It wasn't for Nate or Serena to hear. They could see it in him, his closest friends could see the bond between he and Blair, see his feelings for her, that she was important to him.

"And the box?" Nate asked for the final piece of the puzzle.

Chuck took a shuddering breath, turned the box towards Nate, and flipped it open.

Loose diamonds.

Broken wire work still clinging to its little clusters of diamonds, small and large pieces in various states of ruin.

The shattered headband.

"Then what Serena said last night is true?" Nate's eyes were wide with amazement.

Chuck pushed the box shut with a loud snap. "I gave it to her before Cotillion in eighth grade." He let a soft, rough laugh free, "A couple weeks later she gave her first kiss to Carter, instead of me, wearing it."

Abruptly, his phone came to life, glowing and buzzing on the table. Snatching it up, he answered, and a minute later, he was standing. "Time for me to go."

* * *

Blair had never been a spontaneous person. She knew better than to ask how Carter secured them a private plan so easily, so quickly, but was grateful to not be on a public flight. However, she still did not enjoy the flight, and the hurried decision to leave New York left her with the constant question of leaving something behind. Certainly there were things she had forgotten to pack.

Carter had found them a small hotel of good enough standards for them to hide in. She had excused herself to use the bathroom, and now stared at herself in the mirror. She felt dirty and tired. Bone weary with loss, and though Blair was no stranger to Paris, the city had never felt as foreign to her before. _She_ felt foreign in her own skin. What was she thinking? Carter Baizen… Yet what was she suppose to do? Turning the faucet on full blast, she washed her face and mercilessly brushed her teeth.

Carter had stretched out on the bed, unable to believe his luck.

And rightly so, it seemed, when there was a knock on the door.

Heaving a sigh, he sat up and quietly walked across the room. Glancing through the peephole, Carter rather knew who was on the other side and was horribly disappointed their guest had arrived so soon. He could hear the water still running in the bathroom, maybe if this ended quickly and quietly? He opened the door, "Bass."

"Where is she, Baizen?" Chuck growled.

Something about Chuck Bass had always bothered Carter, and in an instant he forget all else except getting one over on the other boy. "In the bathroom, freshening up for me." He watched the muscle twitch in Chuck's jaw, "You taught her well, Bass. That sweet little mouth-"

It was speed and strength and absolutely quiet until the crack of connection. Carter didn't see it coming at all. But he certain felt Chuck's fist slam into his face- into the side Nate had left unbruised. His ears were ringing as he hit the floor. Blair heard the commotion and flew into the room. Seeing Chuck in front of her, his eyes locking to hers; it was paralytic. She didn't know what she felt or thought in that moment.

"Fuck, Bass. You already had her, what the hell do you care if someone else gets a turn?" Carter was clutching his face as he lay on the floor, glaring up at the rival playboy.

Chuck's already bruised hand stung from the assault, skin breaking open to bleed anew. He tore his eyes from Blair, a mix of upset and disgust- what had she done to Carter with her mouth? But his words had penetrated Chuck's thoughts. Already had her? "What are you talking about?"

"You and Blair. I saw you two fucking at the Kiss on the Lips Party." Carter spat out.

Chuck was on Carter in seconds, grasping his collar and hauling him up. "Blair is still a virgin. No one has had her, least of all me."

In the corner, Blair winced and turned her head to stare out the window. She felt hot shame trickle down her spine and flush her cheeks. Why? She couldn't understand her feelings in response to Chuck's truth.

"God, how pathetic is that? You could have any woman, but you only fucked _her_ with your clothes on? What the hell happened to you? Chuck Bass is a _joke_." Carter half-spit as he enunciated the last word.

Chuck, still gripping tightly gripping the collar of Carter's shirt, turned and shoved him into the hallway. "Chuck Bass will never be a joke. And think what you like about this incident, but you have your own messes to deal with, don't you?" He paused, tilting his head as he reached inside his jacket pocket. "A gift from your parents." He watched Carter turn a shade of white lighter as he tossed the plane ticket at him.

"Thailand?" Carter rasped, not needing to even look at the ticket.

"Your parents think fixing the little mess you left behind there might help you mature." Chuck moved to pickup Carter's bag and threw it at him. Satisfied with that, he shoved the door shut.

Now it was just he and Blair. But his heart hurt and his hand still screamed in pain. Knowing Carter had touched her in any way, knowing that she could have very well been about to surrender herself to him? He couldn't think. He pushed past her to the bathroom to remove the bloodied bandages and rinse the blood from his hand and arm. His mind thrummed with the pain of his hand, the pain of his thoughts. _Her sweet little mouth_. Maybe they only kissed?

Blair quietly slipped into the room, watching him, staring at the gnarled gashes and bruises on his hand, not able to understand why his hand looked that way. When he finished, she held out a small towel for him to use. "Why are you here?"

"Why were you with Carter?" Chuck's tone was cold and detached and his gaze was unyielding.

"Because he saved me last night, when no one else did."

Chuck's jaw clenched, "He was with you last night?"

Blair rolled her eyes, "He drove me home. It was freezing, I was wet, I had no coat, I had nothing."

"That's not true." His voice was soft. It didn't need to be said: _You had me._

It cracked Blair. "You _left_ me. In front of everyone, you let Serena tear me to down like that!"

"What Serena did was of your _own_ making. You had to have Nate, at any cost. She's your best friend."

"Was." Blair clipped. "That still doesn't explain why you are here _now_."

"What did you do with Carter while you were alone?" It had been spinning in the back of his mind since Carter uttered it. He didn't want to know, not really, but he had to.

"What you taught me." Blair gave him a warped smile.

Her words gutted him and he desperately wanted to be ill. He couldn't look at her. He imagined all he had done with her, only instead of him, it was Carter. _Her sweet little mouth_. What would have come to pass if he did not come after her? The thought made him cold; now what?

Turning, he walked out of the bathroom and grabbed her bags off the floor, the pain in his hand nothing compared to what he was feeling inside. "Come with me."

"Why should I?" Blair was petchulant, crossing her arms and refusing to move.

"Because you owe me. After _everything_ these past months, you will do this for me right now." Chuck pulled the door open and stared at her hard, waiting.

She had nothing. No bargaining chips, no argument. Carter was gone, there was no reason for her to stay in this room. So Blair straightened her back and dropped her arms before marching past Chuck and walking into the hallway.

* * *

"No. Please. Please, Chuck. _Anywhere_ but here!" Blair grabbed his arm, pulling at the sleeve of his jacket, and pleaded with him when she saw where the car had come to a stop.

Chuck told the driver, "You can unload the lady's bags here."

The driver now outside of the vehicle, Chuck spoke to Blair while staring straight head, unable to look upon her. "I'm glad to see this will be a suitable form of punishment. You hurt and abused your friends. You ran off with the lowest scum on the earth, planning to do God knows what. And _none_ of that speaks to anything having to do with me, Blair."

"Chuck, please." She begged, her tugging, her plea, growing more insistent.

The driver opened the door and as Chuck turned his face completely away, he dismissed her with a soft, "Merry Christmas, Blair."

The burn of it caused her to let go, Blair's survival mode instantly snapping into the 'on' position. She slipped out of the car, never turning back once, and marched straight up to the door.

As the car drove away, Chuck leaned his head back and closed his eyes. This wasn't what he wanted.

* * *

Just my editing- too short notice to ask for help! Title translated by dear Aramxo here on FFnet, from Arabic, meaning, "Fade to Black."

It's still just barely Valentine's Day in my timezone, but I made it! I love all of my readers, the lurkers, and my most steady reviewers. I'm sorry it's not a more cheerful chapter, but I am happy I could give you an update to celebrate a day centered on love.

How are we feeling? What do you think about what Chuck and Serena did? What Blair's done, and what Chuck has done in return? Speaking of, what _has_ Chuck done? Blair's certainly not happy about it; any guesses? You know I love guesses!

But for now, I'm going to go and finish enjoying my Valentine's Day. I have a very lovely Asian!Chuck patiently waiting for me, hehehe. Until next time, xoxo ~K


	21. Kutitap

Kutitap

Chuck had planned to take Blair back to New York with him. He knew what Carter was going to want from her, but that Blair had so willingly shared so much of herself with him in such a short time? The thought of them together made him queasy and Chuck was grateful he had arrived when he did. Even Blair in her darkest hour deserved better than Carter fucking Baizen for her first time. Especially when he didn't know it was her first time. At least Carter was safely taken care of; no one would be seeing him for a long time.

But now what? Part of him enjoyed the thought of exiling Blair to Paris forever. However, it's not what he really wanted, nor Serena, or Nate. Blair was a great Queen, when she wasn't abusing her power for stupid reasons. They wanted Blair to be wholly happy, not grabbing for power to hide her fear. He wanted her to not be afraid of love; Chuck had been dismissive of it when they were younger, behaving just like his father. Until he questioned it, until he let himself see how he felt when he was with Blair. If only Blair would take that risk with him.

But first things first: back to New York. Alone. He hoped by spending time with her mother, Blair might be forced to shift some of her perspectives for the better. Eleanor's special brand of neglect and hyper-critical commentary was unique even for Upper East Side standards.

* * *

By late afternoon, Blair had settled into her mother's Parisian town home and left word with at the atelier of her arrival. Which now left her to the task of wallowing. She had curled up in the living room with Audrey on the television and a generous box of Pierre Hermè macarons; she was in desperate need of a happy ending. Sweet, vibrant flavors floated over her tongue as she took comfort in knowing what came next in the film- that everything would be perfect in the end. Unlike… unlike _this_. The fact that she had watched Tiffany's, Holiday, and was now on Funny Face did little for her. If only her journey from New York to Paris had been half so glamorous, if only her rescue from danger had been… had been… she felt tears threatening and she stuffed another macaron into her mouth, hoping the burst of deliciousness would distract from the burning in her eyes. When she swallowed, the sound of the soft crunching of the delicate treat left her ears to be replaced by a girlish squeal. And it was not part of the film. What the…?

Blair sat up enough to peek over the back of the sofa and see into the hallway. She wondered if it was possible to trip off a sugar high? She couldn't make sense of what she was seeing. The woman looked like her mother, but the sound and… she wasn't alone, but what was that? Some hideous, bald little man was swallowed up in her mothers arms and they were…

"Mother!"

A moment of awkward shuffling as the couple disentangled and Eleanor corrected her dress. There was genuine confusion in her voice, "Blair?"

"Didn't you get my message? I decided to come here for the holiday break." Blair refused to look at anything except her mother. They tiny man was staring at her with an unnervingly large smile planted on his face.

"No, I must have been distracted."

It was all Blair could do not to roll her eyes; her mother almost sounded sheepish. Eleanor smoothed her hands over her dress as her daughter watched. It fluttered through her mind; Blair did that, too, to calm herself, to collect her strength. She never noticed her mother did it, and her mother was doing it now- why?

"Blair, sweetie," Eleanor looked at her daughter and smiled, reaching out as she spoke and threading her fingers with the little man's. "This is Cyrus Rose. I hadn't planned on introducing the two of you for awhile longer but… you're here now." Pausing for a moment to clear her throat, "We've been dating for a few months. I thought Thanksgiving was too soon, but now we can all have a lovely Christmas together while you two get to know each other better."

Thankful for years of practice, Blair kept her face free of expression. Pulling herself from her tangle of blankets and box of macarons, she stood and faced this Mr. Cyrus Rose. She was a good head taller than him, she observed, as she outstretched her hand. "Mr. Rose, it is a pleasur-"

"Please!" Cyrus exclaimed. "Call me Cyrus!" He came barreling straight at her, ignoring her offer to shake hands in exchange for… a hug.

Blair couldn't hold it any longer and made a horrified face in spite of her mother's gaze. But Eleanor only smiled at her daughter; even more so when Cyrus began to pull away only to stop and cry, "Not enough!" and hugging Blair even harder. The smallest little sensation rippled underneath her horror as she registered her mother's smile and the warmth of this strange man hugging her. She couldn't place her finger on it, but there was something.

Cyrus insisted they go out to eat in celebration of Blair's arrival in Paris. Eleanor happily complied and Blair stole a few minutes to freshen up and gather her strength. Not even twenty-four hours into her exile and she was too exhausted to now have to deal with meeting- she shuddered, her mother's boyfriend.

Her worn down state meant that she was cold through dinner, verging on rudeness because she had no more power to draw on. Before the crème brûlée arrived, she did manage to muster an impressive yawn, only to realize how real the action was. It bought her some sympathy though her mother kept an eye on her up until Blair could escape to her room. She fell asleep that night crying; tears coming from nowhere in particular yet everywhere at once.

The next storm came the following morning with breakfast. Dorota hadn't arrived yet, but it wasn't a maid carrying the tray this time. It was her mother. "Blair, darling."

Blair lifted her eye mask, surprised to discover it was indeed her mother perched on the edge of her bed. "Mother. Shouldn't you be at the atelier?"

"The company will survive long enough for me to talk with my daughter for a little bit. You were very rude to Cyrus last night. I raised you better than that- even jet lagged."

"Well finding my mother making out with a strange man was a bit shocking. And look at him! He's not exactly up to Daddy's standard."

"I apologize for the scene, but that's enough of talking like that, Blair! Cyrus is an intelligent, kind, and gentle man. He has a beautiful heart."

Blair felt her stomach rolling and her eyes sting with the threat of tears, gazing down she spoke to her breakfast tray rather than face her mother. "I thought the company was your priority. After what Daddy did, how could you? All I see is an uncouth, loud, bald little man making you _weak_. Why would you let him hurt you, didn't Daddy hurt you enough?"

Eleanor's eyes went wide and she cupped her daughter's face in her hands to lift her gaze, "Blair. Do you know how many years ago that was? You're seventeen now; so much time has passed. A part of me will always love your father and regret that it was not meant to be. But I found my strength in going through all of that, and while our union was not a perfect marriage, a little bit of perfection did come out of it." At this, Eleanor passed one of her hands over Blair's hair.

"Just because I've found love again doesn't make me a weak person, Blair. I shut myself off for a long time after your father left. I was cold and hard… then I met Cyrus. He's taught me that sometimes you have to let yourself be weak in order to grow stronger. With him I can relax and find comfort and calm and… happiness. And because of that, because of him, I succeed and so does my work. Can you understand that?"

Blair weakly nodded her head.

"Good. _Try_, Blair. I know he's not your ideal, but that doesn't mean he has nothing to offer. It's going to be a wonderful holiday this year, you'll see."

Eleanor stood now and Blair gave up a soft sigh at her situation, poking at her breakfast tray. Walking to the door, Eleanor turned to look back at her daughter, "Eat, Blair. You'll need your strength for Cyrus's hugs if nothing else."

Blair looked up at her mother, mild horror on her face. But Eleanor only gave a smile in return before finally departing.

* * *

Within a few days, structure returned to Blair's life. She read a little, played her cello a bit, and didn't sleep in late as Dorota had returned to cluck at her. Cyrus begged her to go Christmas shopping with him and her mother's request that she try led her to agree. She had not yet returned to any real semblance of herself; most of the fashion in the store windows only mildly appealed to her, and she was happy for Cyrus's desire to talk at length to fill her head with something more than her own thoughts. But this was also Cyrus's first chance at her alone. She should not have expected to get off so easily.

"So, Blair. You're mother has told me plenty about you, but I want to know you for myself! Despite what your mother claims, a smart, beautiful girl at your age, must certainly have a boyfriend."

Blair's reply was quick, "No."

Cyrus raised an inquisitive eyebrow. "That was a little too fast. I am a lawyer, and there was something not right about that reply. Care to tell me more? I am a very good listener."

"Why is it because I'm young everyone thinks I should date and have a boyfriend?" Blair kept her voice as cool as she could manage.

"Because love is everything; you should be experiencing your first love, Blair. I have no doubt you go to school with many handsome boys, who are smart and well situated. You cannot tell me not one has-"

"Stop it. Please. I have a choice in this and I chose that the risk was not worth it." Blair interrupted, anything to stop him from causing thoughts of Chuck.

"Oh, Blair!" Cyrus stopped in the middle of the boulevard and attacked her with a hug, "I'm so sorry!"

Blair rolled her eyes. At least she'd stop thinking about Chuck for the moment. "I don't want to be in love, Cyrus."

The impact of her words caused Cyrus to step back, "Blair. You cannot mean that."

"I most certainly do." Blair shook her hair back behind her shoulders and resumed their walk towards Van Cleef and Arpels. "My mother built her empire without a man, and I intend to do the same. No distractions."

They walked in silence for a few minutes. But the comforting quiet was a diversion; Cyrus was formulating a plan. "The boy," he broke into the silence.

"What boy?" Blair sweetly asked.

"Your choice. Let's call him 'C' because it was your 'choice'."

Blair held her tongue.

"Did you spend any time with him?"

"He was a part of my circle of friends, so yes. We've rather grown up together."

Cyrus mentally noted the 'was' and continued onward. "Did 'C' distract from your school, your music, your activities? Did he keep you from spending time with friends and family?"

"No. As if I'd allow anyone that sort of power over me," Blair huffed.

"Good. I'm glad to hear it, not all young women are. So when you spent time with 'C' you felt…?"

Blair watched the sidewalk pass under her feet as they walked, contemplating his question. She forgot the cold of the Parisian winter and recalled the beach in St. Tropez, the night in Ibiza, and felt the warmth and the security of the memories fill her. The ball, his kisses, that kiss at Victrola when he understood her so easily. Her mind began to grow numb from the swell of memories and the emotions tied to them. It began to hurt, and she asked him, "Cyrus, please."

"It hurts, doesn't it- the choice you made?" He put an arm around her as they kept walking.

"Yes, okay. But it doesn't mean I loved him." Blair defended.

"Maybe. But it hurts because it matters, because C's important to you. We're people, Blair. We make mistakes all the time, life is full of them, it's just part of the deal. But life is full of beautiful things too, like love and friendship, and the amazing things that come out of them. The choice is never absolute; it can never be erased but it can be changed and moved past. Just… think about."

It was certainly a lot to think about as they entered the jewelry store. Blair was happy to be distracted by all the pretty things, twinkling at her from their glowing cases. They were here to find something for her mother, but that didn't mean she couldn't look, right? She and Cyrus made a careful study as they moved though the store, noting several items that her mother would like. Blair found some pieces she would not mind adding to her collection, but there was one that drew her back to it a second time.

Cyrus followed her, "Mm."

"It's so simple, but I can't stop thinking about it."

"It's a very powerful color, yet sweet and demure. It suits you, so I'm not so surprised." He offered in gentle reply.

Blair grew a little sad in her contemplation, "I lost my favorite piece of jewelry last week." The headband had shattered so magnificently, in such a burst of light and color… it was the first thing he had ever given her. The realization clutched her throat, until she remembered it wasn't. Not really. His scarf was first. His warm, deep red scarf from Henry Poole.

"I do love the color," she murmured.

"You should take it home then," Cyrus nudged.

"I…" she could but, "I still don't feel much like shopping yet. Apparently it mattered that much." Blair gave him a very weak smile.

Cyrus let out a pleasant laugh and hugged her. Blair wasn't sure she'd ever get use to hugging and made an apologetic smile to the sales staff. Releasing her, he replied, "Come, let's settle on something for your mother then."

* * *

As Cyrus, Dorota, and her mother pulled Blair through the days following Cotillion, Serena and Nate pulled Chuck forward. After his return home without Blair, Chuck was hardly ever left alone. Either Nate and he smoked together, or Serena was dragging them both out into the city for whatever she fancied; a show, shopping, a new art exhibit. They left him any combination of drunk, high, or simply exhausted that it was only in the cold light of morning that he was ever allowed to feel the pain of Blair's betrayal and absence. At the time he hadn't felt like analyzing what she had done with Carter- just that something had happened. Now he wasn't sure if Carter had touched her, or if or to what extent she had gone down on him… the thoughts plagued him and it was only his friends who were able to shut them off.

Christmas began to crawl closer and once happy memories with Blair became painful- yet he couldn't stop himself from gazing at the cuff links she gave him or the broken fragments of the headband. He even wore the cuff links one evening; his father was hosting another business dinner and Chuck's presence was required. Something about wearing them made him feel less alone at the large table full of eminent couples. Could that still be him someday? What a distance to have crossed, only to end up nowhere. He successfully made it through the event, a small touch to the cufflinks any time he started to lose focus. At the end, when everyone was slowly progressing towards the door, did Diane Courtland seek him out.

"Charles," she flashed him a smile, "I hoped to have a moment."

"Certainly, Mrs. Courtland."

"I wondered if it would be a huge imposition to ask if you are free for lunch tomorrow? I'm afraid I need your help with something."

"I can do lunch." Or at least, he'd escape the blonds long enough for it.

"Wonderful. I'll see you then. And congratulations on your success with Victrola."

He gave her a tiny smile, and leaned in to give her a small friendly kiss on the cheek in parting. "Thank you. Until tomorrow."

* * *

"Nathaniel, I have lunch plans."

The blond forced his way in the suite. "Good, I'll walk with you."

Chuck went to pickup his suit coat and slip it on, rolling his eyes in the process. "I promise, I'm going to lunch to meet someone. It will be fine."

Nate ignored him, "Oh, who are you meeting with?"

"Diane Courtland. She was at the dinner last night and wants my help with something."

Chuck watched as a strange tension left Nate's posture. Who'd he think he was going to see? "That's cool. What do you think she needs help with?"

"I don't know, but I'm happy to help. I owe her for… for last year."

Nate didn't follow. "What did she do last year?"

Chuck mumbled as he slipped on his overcoat, not wanting to recall the memory, "The ball."

"The… oh." Nate stuffed his hands in his pockets and the pair departed.

Chuck was the first to arrive at the restaurant and was happy to escape Nate and have a few minutes to himself. He couldn't imagine what Mrs. Courtland wanted his help with. Aside from committee chair for the Viennese Opera Ball, she was on a few other boards, and ran a prominent not-for-profit. He was a little young to help her with her organization…

"Charles, I'm so glad you could meet me."

He quickly stood and she hugged him in greeting before taking her seat. Blair and Serena were the only ones to ever hug him; it was odd. They chatted easily and ordered their lunch before Diane got to her request. "Being a young businessman, I won't dance around it but rather get straight to my favor. I was hoping you and Blair would replace a couple who dropped out of the dancing corps for the ball. You two were absolutely stunning last year and I would love to have you dance again."

Chuck shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He had not expected that at all. And Blair… yet, he was quite indebted to Diane for the many strings she pulled to make last year possible. Diane noticed his lack of immediate reply, "I'm sorry, I didn't even think to ask after Blair. I had simply assumed, after the last time we spoke-"

He held up his hand, "No, it's fine. We… we had a bit of a disagreement at the end of term and she's gone to Paris for the holidays."

"Oh, Charles, if I had known I would never have presumed." Diane's voice was soft with guilt.

"Please, don't. Actually," Chuck paused, something sparking in his mind. He took a slow drink of water, filling out his thought. He- and Blair for that matter, owed Diane for her immense kindness last year. And Blair sure as hell owed him and this… this was part of how she was going to repay her debt. "Blair and I will fill the vacancy for you."

"Charles, I wouldn't want you to do anything for my sake. If you and Blair aren't together, I wouldn't want to cause any problems."

"It's not a problem. Truly. I see it as more of an opportunity, honestly."

"I'm not sure I like the sound of that," Diane gave him a careful look.

"I promise, you have nothing to worry about. When is the next rehearsal?" Chuck gave her one of his best, charming smiles.

"After New Year's, but I had thought you two might want a private lesson before then to get up to speed." This was true, though Diane was keen to see for herself if they were really okay. "Charles, please… if you're not okay, say so."

"Blair has not been herself recently. But I think this event will help her find her way back. Perhaps in the end, I will simply owe you more this second time than I did with the first?" Chuck happily offered this conclusion. Part of him felt it could be true and in the end, in some way, it very well could be.

"Hmm. Then tell me how everything else is going for you? School, Victrola, your friends." Diane was happy to see the young Bass again.

"Good, it's all going well. Victrola… I couldn't have done that without Blair. But it feels great to have something really my own. I'll be making some more improvements on it over the winter, in time for when things pick up in the spring. My friends," Chuck smiled to himself, "They're being good to me. They're worried after the fallout with Blair. But they barely leave me alone long enough to sleep, so I've hardly had time to process much of anything."

"I am glad to hear it. You'll want to be strong when Blair comes home. After what has passed, are you still so certain she's your match?" Diane offered, wondering if he had yet asked himself the question.

Was he? He thought on it, and it took less time to find an answer than she had been expecting. "When we all sat around the table last night, I saw my solitary father at one end and became aware of my strong desire to _not_ be that. But I found I was not alone, even then. I wore…" he cleared his throat, uncomfortable exposing how Blair had comforted him in spite of everything, "I wore cufflinks she had made for me, and they gave me the strength I knew I would feel had she been at my side."

"Charles." Diane smiled and reached out to touch his arm, "That's so beautiful. If you believe being at the ball will help you, then I am glad of it."

Lunch passed cordially between Chuck and Diane, and he left feeling resolved in his decision. Now… it was time to bring Blair home.

* * *

On Christmas morning, Blair awoke feeling deliciously light. Cyrus and Eleanor were already waiting around the tree for her. Eleanor proffered her gift first, a small envelope, "This is the first part. The other part comes tomorrow morning."

Blair looked curious as she pulled it open; tickets. To an evening at the symphony the following night, "Oh, I love it! Thank you." She hugged her mother, excited and curious to see what the other half would be. It had to be shopping, right?

Then Cyrus was happily pushing a velvet case towards her mother before he pushed a smaller one into her hands. "Cyrus?"

"I'm so lucky to have _two_ beautiful, powerful, amazing women in my life."

Before even opening the cases, they hugged him. As they pulled away, mother and daughter looked at each other and smiled, before saying, "Not enough!" and hugging him again.

"Enough, enough!" He laughed, encouraging them to open their boxes.

Blair watched her mother open the gorgeous necklace they had settled on for her; stunning dark green jade and shining diamonds that would drip over her skin. "Oh, Cyrus."

Naturally, she kissed him. Which Blair decided was her cue to snap open her little black box. She knew what it was and was touched beyond words when she saw it nestled there. A beautiful gold ring with a flawless, vibrant ruby heart at its center. She pulled it free and slipped it on her right pinkie finger, smiling at how it looked on her hand.

"Well?" He and her mother had stopped kissing and he was watching her.

"It's perfect."

He hugged her again, "Wear it and remember it matters. Love matters, Blair. Love yourself, love life, love those that _matter_ to you and who make your life worthwhile."

It made her tear up a little; his gesture, his words, his encouragement, "I will get there someday, thanks to you. I promise I will."

Eleanor looked at the pair as they pulled apart, both looking a bit watery, "What has gotten into you two?"

Blair gave a small laugh and wiped the tiny hint of tears away. "It's something just between us, sorry, Mom."

* * *

The afternoon was lazy and in the evening, everyone dressed nicely for dinner. As Blair came back downstairs, there was a knock on the front door. She looked at her mother. "Who would be disrupting our Christmas dinner?"

"It's hardly a disruption if they've been invited."

Blair looked from her mother to the front door. Dorota let their guests in.

It was Harold and Roman. Eleanor and Cyrus moved to the door to greet them, but Blair pulled back into the shadows. She had seen her father a few times over the years, once the divorce had been settled. But it was always awkward and strange, and she couldn't understand what her mother was thinking in inviting them to their Christmas dinner.

"Blair." Eleanor turned back to see where her daughter had gone. The second time she said her daughter's name it was a bit more forceful. Blair inhaled deeply and came forward to say hello.

"Blair-Bear!" Her father beamed at her and gave her a hug.

"Hello, daddy." Blair tried to enjoy the hug, but it was difficult.

Roman then took his turn and hugged her. That really was too much- what was with everyone and all this hugging?

Thankfully, Eleanor then moved everyone into the dining room. Blair kept polite through the meal. She quickly developed the habit of twirling the little ring about her pinkie when she drifted off into her thoughts. She was uncomfortable, everyone was pleasant enough, but it was all too strange. Many of her thoughts and feelings were still stuck as the little twelve-year-old who had to watch her parents tear their family apart. So this entire scene was surreal to her.

But Cyrus was there and he kept pulling her back into the scene. And she was forced to watch her parents. They were nice to each other- like friends, old friends. They weren't uncomfortable, no one was cold, no feelings were hurt. There were smiles, even some laughter, they told stories about her, about baby Blair. She thanked the heavens she was having wine with the meal; Cyrus stopped her at two glasses but, really, it helped her a lot.

* * *

The group retired to the sitting room for dessert. Blair settled on one of the sofas to relax and watch the adults. Her father joined her and they watched the other three chat, Roman expressing his admiration for the jewels Cyrus had given Eleanor for Christmas. Blair glanced at Harold as he looked at his partner. "You and Roman seems happy."

Her father smiled at this. "We are."

Blair had been plied with food and drink enough to push a subject she would never normal tread near, "Do you ever miss New York?" _Do you ever miss me, our life?_

"Sometimes, but…" Harold gazed down at the carpet, becoming stuck.

"But what?" Blair mimicked him, looking down at her lap.

"But I don't know how to be there." He turned to his daughter and passed a hand over her hair, "Blair-Bear, New York is yours. What happened was such a struggle for everyone. That your mother can even stand the sight of me I consider to be a miracle. I don't dare hope to have your understanding or forgiveness, too. So I just… gave you your space."

Tears started to burn in Blair's eyes and her throat tightened. "But you're my father. You weren't supposed to hurt us like that."

"Oh, Blair." Harold pulled her into his arms and held her. "In a perfect world, I would have never hurt _myself_ like that. I was too weak to be the person I really was; no matter how much I loved your mother, that wasn't me. My greatest regret is that two people I love so much- that matter more than anything to me, were hurt more than any others by my… my blindness and weakness."

At his last words, Blair somehow managed a small laugh through her despair. "I understand better than you'd think."

She pulled out of his embrace and wiped her eyes. She looked at Roman with Cyrus and her mother, then back at her father. "You really love him, don't you?"

Harold turned his gaze from Roman to look at his daughter, a smile on his face. "I do. He makes me stronger."

With that reply, Blair stood and went to Roman.

"Blair?"

And without provocation or any warning, Blair hugged Roman. "Merry Christmas, Roman."

* * *

The last part of the evening passed in an easy warmth. Harold and Roman departed before Cyrus brought out his special hot chocolate to close the day of festivities. Apparently the 'special' was the excessive amount of alcohol he added to it. The poor man had to help Blair to bed; up the long beautiful spiral staircase they climbed, Blair a playful mix of honest and secretive.

"You were so good today, Blair. I'm proud of you. Did you have a good talk with your father?"

"I did," Blair slurred a little, "He _loves_ him. And Mom loves you. Roman loves Daddy. You love Mom."

She continued to wobble up the stairs as she listed all the love surrounding her. She sighed and then, in her delightful intoxication, grinned and leaned in towards the little man.

"Cyrus," she whispered, "You want to know a great secret?"

"I'm a great lawyer and therefore an excellent secret keeper."

"Last spring, in Ibiza," Blair was giddy, "you won't tell, right?"

"Promise."

"That night, when Chuck tucked me into bed," Blair giggled with her excitement, "Chuck said he was in love with me."

"Really?"

"Well," Blair suddenly felt tired once more and leaned her head down onto his shoulder, "Maybe? I was falling asleep, so I'm not sure. I'd forgotten about it, and maybe it was a dream, but it really makes sense, doesn't it?"

"I don't know your Chuck, but I'm sure if you think so, it must be true. How could he not love you?" Cyrus was helping her into her room now.

"Because I was weak. Because I was not good to him." Blair tumbled into her bed as Cyrus lifted the covers for her. "And that's why it happened, isn't it, Cyrus?"

She pulled the covers close and started to sob.

Cyrus stroked her hair, "Shh, my little turtledove. It doesn't have to be like this forever, you'll see. For now, just rest, and keep him in your heart."

The crying was the last ounce of her energy and Blair was asleep before Cyrus even closed her door.

For much of the night, her sleep was a black, dreamless place. But eventually, he came to her in the darkness. She was tangled in her sheets, but he found her, guiding her hand to wear she ached for him. Her mind was clogged with memories of him and her; the way she was drawn to him, to his touch, how it felt arching into him, the taste of his mouth, the taste and feel of his cock in her mouth.

She moaned in her dazed state, awake yet still sleeping. Her fingers groped to push passed her underwear and into where she needed to feel him. She burned with desire, the memories so bright in her mind, she could feel his touch everywhere. She gasped in frustration, tears glistening under her eyelashes as she pushed into herself over and over again. Her fingers were not his and her body knew that as it craved more. For the first time, she finally let her mind slip into imaging what it would be like to be his. To feel him buried inside her, to have him fill her so completely; the idea made her pant and her head spun. Her body was desperate to feel it and Blair shoved her fingers harder into her core, going out of her mind with her need to orgasm.

It was awful. She finally orgasmed. And it left her nearly crying herself to sleep. It was the most unsatisfying end, the intensity of her want and desire should have exploded though her body, but instead, it somehow collapsed in on itself in a sad little spark of pleasure. Distress and shame kept her company as she fell back into black, empty sleep.

* * *

The next morning, breakfast helped shake the horrible mood her sleep had left her in. Shopping! They were going shopping! Blair could not get ready fast enough. She was bubbling over in excitement; she couldn't imagine where they might be going. Obviously she would be getting a new dress for tonight. Chanel, Oscar, Dior?

Blair frowned a little when the car stopped in front of a fairly normal looking building. Nothing in the windows, and she couldn't see the awning over the door. Hmm…

But one should never doubt Eleanor Waldorf, and especially not where fashion is concerned. Once ushered inside, Blair could barely contain a gasp at the beautiful gowns on display. Stunning, each piece was even more beautiful than the next. The sales girl Eleanor had pushed towards Blair could hardly keep up, she couldn't pick and wanted to try them all on. Cyrus laughed, ever good natured, and didn't mind the time Blair spent playing at one of her passions. He did tease her at one point, "Apparently it didn't matter _this_ much."

Blair glowered at him in response and pretended to throw a mini-tantrum like an offended super model, only giving him a sweet smile before she disappeared to change again. Slipping into beautiful purple dress this time, Blair came out beaming and spun, loving how she felt in the silken dream.

Cyrus smiled, "I think 'C' would have a hard time staying angry with you if he were to see that."

"You think so little of him? That he'd fall to pieces at the sight of a pretty dress?" Blair challenged.

"No, no. Not at the sight of a pretty dress. But of you, happy and smiling, beautiful and elegant, in a pretty dress? That's something a hot blooded boy simply cannot help."

Blair smiled a little before rolling her eyes in defense. That was enough of that and she returned to the dressing room.

By the time the process was completed, she had ordered several dresses and had one to be delivered before tonight's concert. She couldn't wait. Now she just needed shoes, and maybe some new stockings, and fresh lingerie wouldn't hurt…

In all her happiness, being on Cyrus's arm and seeing her mother smiling, Blair decided her exile in Paris wasn't so bad. Maybe she never needed to return to New York?

* * *

AN: Thanks to Anjum for the edits! She gave me some harder ones this time and I think I still messed it up :P The title 'Kutitap' is Tagalog for 'Glimmer' translated by the very awesome Eileen, HeyEileeen on Twitter.

While I think this is an interesting chapter, I'm afraid it's not a very exciting one- no CB and all. But can't you feel the foreboding? It's about to get really interesting, really fast! Let me know what you enjoyed? I'm exhausted and tempted to head desk constantly at work right now. Hearing from the readers is always such a joy! Plus, let's face it, with the show having ended almost four months ago, it's nice to know we're not alone out here :(

As always, favorite line? Anything surprising? And speculating is always fun to read :D Until next time, much love! xoxo ~K


	22. ενα πετάρισμα της ελπίδας

Before we jump in, let me apologize for the formatting of part of this chapter. All I can say is it makes more sense and looks much nicer in Scrivener and thus the PDF and E-book copies of this story. FFnet, how you have foiled my brilliant idea!

* * *

ενα πετάρισμα της ελπίδας

The morning and afternoon of shopping was heaven. Blair's room was full of bags from all of her favorite designers, the best boutiques, and her new dress for the evening had arrived from Zuhair Murad. She couldn't wait to put it on, but first she needed to relax and prepare herself. A long, delicious bath would recover her strength and energy for the night ahead. Undressing, she realized she had not expected Paris to turn out so well. Her mother had changed a little and Blair had surprisingly come to like Cyrus. She began to wonder if she should consider not returning to New York.

After all, what was in New York now? Her classmates either hated her or couldn't care less about her after the humiliation at Cotillion. Her best friend was now her _ex_-best friend and reigned in her place. Serena could easily cause Blair a lot of grief with her power as Queen and she certainly had cause to after Blair neglected their friendship and used Nate. And Chuck…

She looked down at the ruby ring on her finger, recalling all the times she insisted she never had a heart. With a little laugh, she gazed a the brilliant red heart and thought how Cyrus had fixed that. It hurt a little though; she missed Chuck. Just sitting quietly next to him she realized gave her such comfort. But then she remembered that awful night at Victrola. Blair covered her face with her hands, shaking her head. It was like they had been on completely different pages and she just… screwed everything up. She honestly could not have imagined that Chuck wanted to take her to Cotillion. Yes, she was tied to her rules but… no, that really was it. She was stubborn and no one could shake her from it. Chuck had tried, the way he asked, and pushed her to look at Nate and Serena. What she had said about him loving her though- it was meant to be an offhanded comment, to goad him. Looking back at it now, she saw her blindness. Reaching up, her fingers traced her lips, remembering his last kiss pressed so sincere, so desperate, and urging her to see. See him. See them.

Sighing, she sank deeper into the tub. Cyrus said she should be experiencing her first love. Maybe that wouldn't happen for a long time now, and probably not with Chuck. Surely he hated her as much as everyone else- he certainly had enough reason to. He came for her only to leave her here in punishment, even more disgusted with her. He wanted her to suffer under her mother's disregard. But the true punishment was being without him, wasn't it? Chuck, her best friend, her safe place, the man who made her feel like a woman. It hurt. It hurt just like Cyrus said. Why did Chuck have to matter this much? Tears stung in her eyes and in her hurt, she decided to hate him for abandoning her here.

* * *

Chuck breathed deeply as he tried to push his darker thoughts away. Forget the hurt, forget Carter. Exhaling he pushed the doorbell.

"Mister Chuck." Dorota pulled open the door to the Waldorf's Parisian town home.

From behind the staunch maid, he heard a female voice exclaim, "Charles Bass, is that you?"

Dorota pulled the door open wider to reveal Eleanor Waldorf, dressed for an evening out, with a tiny bald man at her side.

Chuck stepped inside as Eleanor enquired what had brought him to Paris. "I was actually hoping to speak to Blair for a moment? I didn't meant to interrupt your evening."

"We can give you two a few minutes before we head out. Blair should be down in a minute, if you'd like to wait?" She gave him a small smile before turning back to her… escort? The man was giving him a curious smile but was keeping his mouth shut.

Chuck watched as Eleanor and the small man walked arm and arm back into the sitting room, leaving him to wait at the end of the stairs for Blair. He gazed mindlessly at the stone floor, annoyed that Blair was going out when what she needed in, his mind, was a good sitting down. He heard the light rustling of silk before her heels happily clicked down the stairs. Fashion always made Blair happy and from the sound of her footfall, tonights ensemble was giving her a respite from her exiled state. When she finally whirled around the staircase and into his view, the image of her gave Chuck's heart a respite from the darkness.

Blair was all pale skin and beautifully matched violet, embroidered flowers reached up to cover her chest before disappearing under the tightly wrapped silk about her waist. He imagined how his hands would feel wrapped around her waist, holding her close, the feel of that cool purple silk under his fingers… She turned more down the spiral stairs, watching her flowing skirt, still unaware of him. He could see the rest of her dress now, the wave of soft violet silk billowed out behind her as she descended the stairs, and with a bit of sass and the flick of her wrist, she tossed a little more fabric aside, revealing a dangerously high slit in the fabric, exposing her left leg… all the way up her thigh. The daring slice in the fabric would have stayed hidden if not provoked. But Blair was enjoying her stunning dress with its dangerous little secret.

She continued to watch her feet until she had reached the last step. With a sweet, innocent smile, she looked up- at him. The smile instantly dropped, the fabric of her dress appearing to mimic her change in mood as the billowing skirt lost its wind and with a sigh, dropped to death against her body. She froze there, waiting to hear what he was doing here. After a beat, she raised her eyebrow, egging him on.

"You're coming home." His voice was cool.

Blair released a small laugh, "No. I'm not."

She stepped to move past him, but he grasped her arm tight. Chuck gritted his teeth, "Yes. You are. We'll leave in the morning."

His emotions were colliding violently, his anger with her, his attraction to her, now that he was so close; touching her, breathing her in. Why did she have to look so fucking amazing? She turned back towards him, glancing briefly at where his fingers curled cruelly around her bare arm. "I'm sorry, Chuck." She feigned manners for him. "But you see, I'm having a wonderful time here in Paris. There is no reason for me to leave."

"Be packed and dressed in the morning." He released her, turning on his heels, and brusquely walked out of the house, struggling to contain the dangerous mix of fury and desire consuming him.

Blair bristled at his command and subsequent departure. With a little huff, she smoothed the silk of her gown before joining Cyrus and her mother to depart.

* * *

Somehow, Blair still managed to enjoy her evening, though her anger with Chuck was steadily growing inside. At one point, Cyrus managed to whisper his excitement to her, "So that was him‽"

"Yes," Blair whispered back, as politely as she could manage, given her feelings. Yes, indeed, that was the Basshole, in the flesh. She could still feel her arm tingle from where he had touched her.

"I think the dress worked, just as I said," Cyrus whispered back.

Blair made a small scoffing noise. "I don't know about that."

Back in her room after the concert, she looked around and recalled Chuck's command to pack. Who was he to think he could show up and tell her to leave? He's the one who had brought her here, and _now_ he decided she had to come home?

Well, she wouldn't do it. She went to select her pajamas and was struck with a thought. If Cyrus was right about her dress… a grin spread across her face. No, she would not comply in the least with Chuck's command. Blair found she slept better than expected that night.

* * *

Dorota let Chuck in the next morning. "Where is Blair?"

"She upstairs-"

He started up the stairs immediately, not listening to the maid.

"I not yet wake her."

Chuck threw the door to her bedroom open. Blair wasn't packed. In fact… she was still in bed. And suddenly, he wanted to be in her bed, too. He wasn't sure he'd ever gotten a hard-on so fast in his entire life.

Blair was laid out on top of her pale pink satin comforter, reading a copy of French Vogue, but he didn't care about that. He _did_ care about what she was- and was not, wearing. A cropped dark blue sweater, loosely knit in such a pattern that her creamy white skin could be seen through it. The translucent nature applied to the pretty little pair of matching blue boy shorts she wore on her lower half. She was dressed for a lazy, pleasureful day in bed, not a transatlantic flight. It was a low growl, "Blair."

She looked over the top of her magazine, "Oh, good morning, Chuck. I hadn't expected you _so _early."

"You should be dressed and packed to leave." He didn't know how he was controlling himself and staying focused. God, he could even see her nipples though the fabric.

"But I don't have to leave. You certainly haven't given me any sort of reason. And wouldn't you and Queen Serena be happy to have me forever exiled from my home?" Her questions were sensible. For added enjoyment, she lifted one leg up, pretending to do so in order to rest her magazine against her thigh. But it simply served to improve his view. It wasn't like he hadn't seen it all before- it'd just been awhile.

She was pushing him; he knew she was. The hate sex he was capable of right now, it would be mind blowing and endless. She'd feel it in every part of her being a million times over again, never to be forgotten. Which only reminded him her body was still innocent. Yes, they had played a great deal, but hate sex… no matter how angry he was, she didn't deserve to be taken like that her first time. Not with the state they were in.

"Fine." He tore his eyes from her tempting body. He opened her closet and pulled out a suitcase, speaking as he packed some items from her room. "You're coming home to _pay_ for what you did. You're going to face all the wrong you have done. Serena and Nate and all our peers? They'll decide how _they_ want to deal with you. But me? The person you wronged more than _any_ other, you're going to do what I ask because you owe me."

Blair laid her magazine down and watched him, her eyes narrowed, listening. He was showing her the punishment she would have to bear. Tell her, possibly, how she might fix this- if he would let her.

"Diane Courtland has asked us to fill in at the Opera Ball last minute. You are coming home _now_ so we may practice and catch up. You will be an angel, the absolute personification of the perfect society princess- at rehearsals and that long night at the ball. She has asked this of me- of us, and we will not let her down. I asked a huge favor to take you last year. I know you know this and since clearly my effort was for naught, it's time to pay the price for my stupidity."

He slammed her blue Louis Vuitton case shut and pulled her up from her bed. For a moment she was in his arms, pressed against his body, the scent of him engulfing her. She wanted to tell him it wasn't all for nothing, but the words were stuck in her throat.

"You need shoes… and a coat."

Blair felt her blood drain from her face, "What?"

"So we can leave."

"I'm not dressed!"

He went back to her closet, "I told you to be dressed, packed, and ready to go. If that's all you're wearing, it's not my fault."

Chuck returned with a pair of heels and a long winter coat and shoved them into her hands. He had to keep moving. It was the only way to move forward; a mess of desire and frustration and hurt was tangled up inside of him and he didn't know what would happen if he stopped moving. He picked up the suitcase as she tugged the coat on and slipped into her heels. Then he took her hand and pulled her behind him, out of her room, and down to the waiting town car.

* * *

On this flight, there was no flirting, or cuddling, or sweetness like there had been last time, when he had taken her to London. Had that really been almost a year ago? Blair sat away from him, half waiting for him to turn on some porn as further punishment. At cruising altitude, Blair asked the air hostess if she could now make calls. Given the all clear, she first texted Eleanor before making a call.

Chuck watched, curious at her odd behavior. Who did Blair have to call? Nevertheless feel a _need_ to call before reaching home?

Blair felt a little relieved when the call went to voice mail. "Cyrus, I wanted to apologize for not getting to say goodbye properly. I had to return to New York on rather short notice. I'm sorry I could not hug you in parting, but then I know it's not enough even if I did."

As she hung up the phone, she gave Chuck a quick glare. It's his fault they didn't know she was leaving; she had not expected his demand to be so intractable. He certainly never had been in the past.

She was getting overly warm in her winter coat. Blair didn't want to lay around the plane in her underwear, but at the same time, if Chuck didn't care, why should she? So off came the coat and she snuggled back in her seat, now much more comfortable. She could _feel _his eyes on her from across the aisle and a small part of her rather enjoyed it.

Chuck would be damned if he spent the rest of the flight trapped with Blair wearing that. Annoyed, he threw open her suitcase and found a dress. She was impossible and he was losing control. "For fucks sake, Blair," he growled, "put this on."

Blair took the garment he had half thrown at her. "You mean you don't like what I'm wearing?"

His only response was a hard stare.

"Alright." Blair stood up in front of him. But she didn't move to the bathroom or the private room. She just pulled the sheer top over her head, leaving herself half-naked in front of him. Hell, her underwear barely counted.

"Blair," his voice was a mix between a growl and a moan, "What are you doing?"

"Putting this on, like you said. Am I doing it wrong?" She didn't look at him, distracting herself with arranging the dress in her hands so she could slip it on easily.

He said her name again as his restraint began to break, "Blair."

Chuck lifted his hands to her waist, letting them skim over her skin, reverent, and wanting.

But Blair coolly tugged the dress over her head and backed away from him. "You don't mean it."

She quickly sat in her seat, staring down at her hands as she began to twirl the ruby ring on her pinkie, "I'm doing what you've asked; exposing myself to tremendous pain after you already abandoned me in Paris. That wasn't enough, so you're taking more."

"You hurt-"

"I know who I hurt." Blair looked up at him with furious eyes. "I know now, so aren't you happy?"

"No," Chuck went back to his seat and dropped into it, "Far from it."

There was an uncomfortable silence for several minutes. Chuck finally began again, needing to know how she had been since he left and he was still intrigued by her phone call. "Who did you call earlier?"

Blair gave a tiny smile, looking down at the ruby ring and playing with it a little. "Cyrus."

Chuck felt a riot of jealousy pass through him. What happened in the past two weeks with this Cyrus that could have her looking like that? And the ring she kept playing with. "Oh… did he give you that?"

"Yes, he's been so good to me. He gave it to me for Christmas." Blair lifted her eyes to him while she spoke and was surprised by what she saw. Most would not see Chuck's jealousy so easily, but she could. Which made her realize Chuck didn't know _who_ Cyrus was. She soaked in his torment for a moment before taking pity on him. "My mother is lucky to have found such a wonderful man after everything with my father. I had never thought of her getting remarried, but maybe?"

It was hard for Blair not to laugh when Chuck's demeanor shifted. How had she never been able to see it before? Even with everything that had happened, with how angry he must still be with her, he still felt so strongly about her. Her eyes carefully took him in; she had missed him so, the way his soft hair was brushed to one side, the way his hands looked skimming over her body... She recalled his bloody, bandaged hand from last time and gazed at the places where it still had faint bruises, "What happened to your hand before?"

Chuck flexed his hand, "You know what happened."

"No, I don't." Not really.

"The night you left Victrola." He raised his face to hers so she had to see and hear him say it, "The night you rejected me, I destroyed the room."

He watched sadness fill Blair's face, her eyes large and round as she took it all in. She lowered her head, uttering a soft, "I'm sorry."

"Saying I'm sorry won't fix anything and God only knows when I will forgive you for how you strung me along."

Her head snapped back up, her gaze fixed on him. "But I'm not Queen anymore!"

"So? You're not blind and stubborn anymore. No one will fall to their knees for you and you can't push people around. That's all that means. It doesn't mean you're a whole person again, it doesn't mean you have respect for anyone, and it certainly doesn't mean you are capable of love or know how to be happy." He cut to his point.

Blair felt the sting of his words, the best reply she could grab she threw back at him, "And you do?"

Chuck was struggling. He knew his words were harsh, but he had to push her to grow. He had to believe she could when all he wanted to do was hold her, to kiss her, to be with her now. Her reply struck a chord and he could take no more. He stood and took her chin in the palm of his hand, tilting her head back and stared deep into her eyes. "I did, once." He dropped his hand and walked back to the private room.

Blair heard the lock on the door latch into place, sending a tremor through her body. She rubbed her tired eyes; the whirlwind of the past day was wearing her down. Glancing back at the door, she rather knew he would not come out for the rest of the flight. So she slept lightly for a little while, attempting to regain some energy. Her distress made it a poor effort but she tried nonetheless. Frustration steadily built and she gave up, going to her suitcase to properly put herself together. She dressed: bra, underwear, something warmer for the cold New York weather when they landed, and brushed her hair and teeth.

Her appearance collected, Blair tried to watch a movie, but her mind kept thinking back to what Chuck had said. What she owed him, that she had no respect for anyone- which must include him, right? That saying she was sorry would fix nothing, and that he didn't know if he could forgive her for all the wrongs she had caused him. Which made her think: the wrongs she had caused him? Her natural desire to make lists had her seeking out pen and paper.

Chuck/Blair

+ Gave red Henry Poole & Co. Scarf + Gave dark blue ribbon

+ Covertly had Henri Cooper punished -

- + Exposed Penelope's first kiss for gains

+ Introduced Nate to Serena + Met Serena in the first place

+ Pulled fire alarm to during exams + Not that _I _needed it, but it was fun

+ Made it in The Times before middle school -

- + Red and blue bow tie at graduation

+ Wanted to kiss me at 5th grade graduation + Wanted to kiss you at 5th grade graduation

+ Stopped my bulimia + You don't get *all* the credit for that

+ The headband + Cufflinks

- - Kissing Carter

+ Breakfast before 8th grade graduation -

+ Signature scarf + My ribbon charm

- + Learning the Bach Prélude

+ Missing me while in Paris all summer + Miss you, too

+ Saving me the first day of High School - Trying to seduce you

+ Dancing in the hallway at Cotillion -

+ Wanting to kiss me at Cotillion - Running

- - Getting sick though I didn't mean to at Cotillion

+ Helping me in St. Tropez + Admitting those things to you

- Terrorizing me in the hot tub - I was thinking about you

- - Dating scheme

- - Not having you in the dating scheme

+ Viennese Opera Ball + Wearing Marchesa for you

+ Trip to London -

+ Henry Poole & Co. -

+ Tiara from Garrard's -

+ Playing in the snow -

+ The Rolls Royce -

+ Being perfect that night + I wasn't half bad myself

+ Carrying me up the stairs -

+ Kissing me -

+ Bringing the paper -

- Being smug about that night - Not telling you how much it really meant to me

+ Not giving up on me + Being brave enough to kiss you again

+ Being my safe place to just 'be' -

+ Taking care of me in Ibiza - Not foreseeing S drugging me

+ Not taking advantage of me in Ibiza - Taking my clothes and running into the ocean

+ Sleeping in bed with me in Ibiza - Never asking if you said you loved me that night (dream?)

- Leaving the next morning + Following you to your room

- Not kicking Serena out of my bed! + Admitting that night was wonderful

+ Shopping with me while I was mad at S -

+ Taking care of me on the way home -

+ That first night at Victrola + Not chickening out

+ Not being 'Chuck Bass' with me -

- Fucking that girl before the summer started - Fighting with you instead of saying my real feelings

+ Taking care of me that night - Running away

- Being mean after your accident + Worrying after your accident

- Seducing me after your accident -

- Fighting in the pool - Fighting in the pool

+ Telling me what you wanted - Being too scared to give you what you wanted

- Going off with two girls that night - Asking Nate to Cotillion in revenge

- + Asking for help with Penelope

+ Taking me to the house - Upsetting you somehow (I still don't know why but you were)

+ My first orgasm + Not making a sound

+ Help with Penelope + Your reward that night

- Scaring me on Victrola's roof + Being open with you at Victrola

- + Your father's office

+ Standing up to Bart + Getting to be there

+ Buying Victrola + Dancing with you at Victrola

+ The secret room + Keeping up with you a little

- Carter - Carter

+ The secret room again + Apologizing

- + Giving you all you wanted in the secret room

+ Kiss on the Lips Party + Kiss on the Lips Party

- - Not telling S about us after she saw us

+ My blue headband -

+ Yale -

- - Taking Nate to Cotillion

- - Saying no when you did ask me to Cotillion

- The secret room - Throwing your feelings in your face

- Hurting yourself - Hurting you and our friends

- - Running away with Carter

+ Saving me from Carter - Going down on Carter

- Leaving me in Paris + Meeting Cyrus

? Bringing me home to New York

By the time she reached the end of the list, Blair realized it wasn't really for her. It was for Chuck. So she added a few lines at the bottom:

_I hope to have not caused you to regret your kindness and feelings for me. _

_I hope, one day, to right my wrongs as best as I am able and perhaps _

_be worthy of forgiveness from the man who is truly my most treasured friend._

_x, _

_B_

Just as she signed her list, the stewardess announced their landing. Soon they were on the ground and Blair looked at the list in her hands. Glancing at the door, it appeared Chuck was not in a hurry to deplane. With the airplane opening, she grabbed her suitcase and asked the stewardess if she might give him the note when he appeared. Then down the stairs she went and her heart jolted to find his limo waiting… and a town car for her. No. No, she saw it all on those sheets of paper. It was time she began to carry herself. She walked past the cars, all the way to the main terminal where she would find a horrid taxi to drive her back to the Upper East Side.

On the plane, Chuck had drunk enough in the small private room so that he could sleep the rest of the way back. He could feel what a hell this was going to become. Watching her delusion up through Cotillion was at least a fight and there was scheming. This however? Rehearsing for the ball… that was going to be painful, to be with her like that, only to have to cut himself off the rest of the time. She had to be left alone, they all agreed- no forgiveness, not until she was _their_ Blair again.

When they landed, Chuck spent a few moments trying to collect himself. A couple more drinks and he thought he could see her again before putting her in her own town car home. But when he opened the door, she had already gone. The stewardess handed him a few sheets of paper. He glanced at it long enough to recognize it as Blair's handwriting. Rushing off the plane, she was nowhere to be seen and her town car had not left. Approaching Arthur, the chauffeur explained she had walked past them, saying she preferred a taxi today.

Chuck was confused and quickly slid into the darkness of his limo. While vehicle was loaded and drove back to the island, Chuck slowly read Blair's long list of their plus and minuses. It hurt. It hurt to see them spelled out so plainly, to have answers and see things exposed. Carter- that made him sick. But she had heard him that night in Ibiza? The house in the Hamptons; maybe someday he would explain that to her? When this hurt was gone, when he could forget Carter, and Blair let him love her. For now, he swore she was trying to break his heart all over again with her note at the bottom. If there was any chance she meant those words then, yes… there was hope.

He picked up his phone a tapped out a message to her and pressed send:

_Prove it._

* * *

Blair sighed when she stepped into her penthouse. Dorota wouldn't catch up to her for another day or two, and there was another week until school began again. She shuffled up to her room and unpacked her small suitcase. Checking her phone, she saw Chuck's message. Prove it? At first she stared, confused, but then, her heart leapt. Prove it. There was hope! There was a way, somehow, that she could earn his forgiveness. This called for My Fair Lady.

She watched the film nearly three times that day- nearly because she fell asleep during the third viewing. The next morning there was another message from Chuck saying their lesson was scheduled for the next day. Which meant Blair needed to force her way into a spa appointment and find a new dress to wear today. The fear that consumed her as she stepped outside was overwhelming. She was terrified that she might run into someone she knew; someone who would snub her or attack her. But luckily her first outing was uneventful and left her feeling ready to see Chuck.

Taking extra time to dress that morning, Blair made herself as sweet and beautiful looking as possible. The pale pink dress had long sleeves as not to be too alluring, yet the fabric clung to her body until the skirt dropped from the waist in soft waves hanging down to kiss her knees. It was perfect for dancing because it would fan out when he twirled her and if anything, she wanted to watch that in the mirrors. Pink mouth, soft pink cheeks, and her hair tucked up in a chignon, a few wisps free to frame her face.

Blair waited at the front door of the studio for him. They greeted Ms. Prescott and changed their shoes, giving her a chance to look at him. His bow tie was pink and matched her dress; it made her heart ache a little. She would kiss him right here and now if there wasn't so much at stake. That, and who knows how he might respond. What an awful thought… Chuck not wanting her kisses. It helped cool her excitement just as Ms. Prescott asked them to run through the waltz and polka to see what they remembered.

Their hands together, his other hand on her hip, the scent of him, the warmth of his body radiating from him, Blair soaked it all in, thankful she only had to follow his lead. She saw herself in his arms reflecting in the mirrors, her body a pretty pop of pink against the grey of his trousers and the bright white of his dress shirt. She recalled his comment about not knowing how to be happy. What she saw in her face in the mirror, the small smile on her lips? She knew what he said wasn't entirely true- she was happy right now, in this simple, beautiful way.

Ms. Prescott began to take them through one of the routines they would have to learn. The entire choreography of it frustrated Chuck. The piece was elegant but also a bit sensual; there were parts where he had to gaze at Blair for several beats, and the piece ended with a long, slow dip, with him holding her tight against his body. She looked stunning, giving him a gentle smile whenever their eyes met, being careful, and quiet throughout. Chuck just tried to push out of his mind how much he wanted her every time she was pressed against him. He was going to need a few drinks after this was over. At least a few, maybe more…

Finally, after several hours, the lesson was over. Still, Blair kept to herself short of her kind smiles. They changed back their shoes and put on their coats. Chuck hesitated a moment at the door, feeling that he should say something small in parting. Blair beat him to it and risked sharing her thoughts a little.

"I forgot one."

"Forgot?" He briefly shook his head, not following.

"Chuck: Plus, wanting to kiss me at dance lessons. Blair: Plus, wanting to kiss you at dance lessons."

It pulled the memory from last year straight back. How they had nearly kissed oh-so-naturally, but in their shock, he ended up sadly only kissing her cheek. It made him smile a little at her, and he gave her just that tiny bit in parting.

Leaning down, he pressed his lips to that very same cheek. "Goodbye, Blair."

Blair stood paralyzed. She had only wanted to say something sweet to him, to show she remembered him and how they had been once. Watching him push through the glass doors and step into his limo, recalling his parting words made her heart ache. She never wanted to hear him say goodbye and not know if he would ever say hello again. She felt herself begin to slip into a daydream of all the ways he had greeted her in the past, how he might in the future… She shook her head. Fight. She had to keep fighting.

Though she managed to channel her thoughts and her energy, Blair's cheek tingled from his kiss long after she had left the studio.

* * *

AN: Love to Anjum who weeded through my imperfect grammar and punctuation once more! Special hugs and kisses to the great ChairFan, Ms. Bruna, for tracking down a Greek translation of this title, which means "A Flutter of Hope." She also runs ChairInFanfiction on Tumblr, so odds are you already love her as much as I do ^_^

Did this chapter make up for the lack of Chair in the last chapter? And for the angst lovers, did I succeed? I don't know if I have a favorite line with this chapter, I just like watching them snap at each other! But I do love the scene with Blair coming down the stairs! The dress is posted on my Tumblr if you're curious. Any favorite line or moments for you?  
Apologies again that the list did not translate into FFnet's publisher. I tried several different tactics and it was just not going to happen! I hope it was not too horribly confusing to read like this? :(

Thank you also for the nominations and votes in the Chuck and Blair Fan Awards and also the Blog awards! I am so far beyond flattered!  
Until next time, watch my social media- Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook, to keep in touch and watch for teasers! xoxo ~K


	23. Esekucupheleni

Esekucupheleni

It was quiet.

Everything was…

Quiet.

Blair didn't know how she kept her sanity. Her phone never rang, no one certainly visited her, and she was very careful when she chose to go out and to where. She could only read so much or play her cello for so long, so she would visit the Met alone or drag Dorota on shopping excursions. The few classmates she came across simply pretended she was invisible and she thanked her lucky stars that she had never crossed paths with Serena.

When the first day back to school came, dread hung heavy on Blair. Why did she have to live across from the Met? There was little chance of _not_ seeing the Queen and her minions meeting on the steps before school. She dressed meticulously, smoothing invisible creases and picking at imaginary lint, all in an attempt to feel some control over something and gather a little bit of strength. The steady ticking of the clock finally pushed her out the door and she exited the building, the doorman greeting her with a smile.

There was no point in fighting it. She cast her eyes towards the Met steps to see Serena sitting above them all. Nate was missing; Blair's eyes scanned the sidewalk when, oh. There he was. Stepping out of a limo- with Chuck on his heels. Her heart did an odd flip and somersault, taking her stomach along for the ride. The two boys quickly parted ways, Nate heading for the steps to join Serena while Chuck turned… towards her. Their eyes locked for the a short moment and it was enough to send her running. His face was not open, welcoming, or kind, but cold and appraising and it gave her the energy to turn away from the brutal scene and begin her walk to school.

Walking up the steps to Constance/St. Jude's, Blair was careful, her eyes scanning, watching for any sign. When she stepped into the front courtyard, everyone glanced at her briefly but no one made real eye contact. Moments later they were all moving indoors and then, she felt it. Looking over her shoulder, the Queen was coming, Nate and the minions in tow, climbing the steps. In the corner of her eye, she caught Chuck standing off to the side, leaning against the wall behind them, watching. He was watching, just like everyone else, waiting.

_Prove it._

Blair stepped back.

Into the shadows.

And let the Queen and her people pass by. None of them looked at her.

Suddenly it was her freshman year all over again only infinitely worse. No friends, no Chuck, no one. There was a little relief. At least it appeared Serena wasn't going to make her life hell.

Except.

When she got to her locker, it was open.

Her books on the ground.

Her pictures torn out and ripped to pieces.

The warning bell for classes rang and as her fellow students walked by, no one stopped to help. In fact, some nearly stepped on her as she tried to pick up her things, some kicked her books across the hall, most acted disgusted by the inconvenience of her. By the time she had cleaned up the mess and rushed to her first class, she already felt bedraggled and spent.

It was the longest day of her life. How was it school could be this awful? Being jostled in the hallways, eating alone at lunch, the discomfort of sitting in class- people ignoring her or when they whispered, was it about her? She couldn't leave school fast enough when it finally ended.

A grave mistake on her part. Clutching to her tote, her short coat was little warmth against the intense wind that had picked up. Her eyes focused on the ground as she rushed across the courtyard towards the steps. Her narrowed vision meant she didn't see that there was anyone nearby; they had all been avoiding her like the plague all day anyways. But one daring boy is all it took. He casually stuck a leg out in front of her causing Blair to crash into the freezing brickwork below. Down she went, barely catching herself before her face hit the ground, and up went her skirt, exposing her new La Perla's and her favorite pair of thigh high's clipped in place.

The boys whistled, the girls laughed. Blair didn't know how she pulled herself up and kept herself calm. Especially when she felt the sting in her knees- surely her favorite nylons were now ruined, and her hands throbbed. _Go_, she pushed herself, _go_. Her mind was numb and blank as she hurried home, light flurries of snow starting to drift down. Inside her building, she collapsed in the foyer before reaching the elevator. Tears choked in her throat, blurring her eyes as she looked down and saw her scraped up knees and the torn state of those most prized stockings. They were suppose to give her strength today but instead…

Mentally she tried to shake herself together. She couldn't let Dorota see her this way. So on shaky legs she stood, brushed the tears away, and smoothed her hair. She had survived the first day. A bath would help, she had her homework to distract her, and finding replacement thigh highs would be a good challenge for Dorota. One last shuddering breath and then Blair stepped onto the elevator.

That night, Blair fell asleep with her diaries piled on her nigh stand. There had to be something…

* * *

Her expectation the next morning was for more of the same. She didn't bother looking at the Met steps; been there, done that. The temperature had dropped even more and Blair recalled last year, on cold days like this, Chuck would have been waiting for her. It took the whole walk to school to push that hurt out of her heart; twirling her ruby ring helped- _it doesn't have to stay this way_.

No more than she had gained the semblance of a façade of strength than it was tested. It was freezing out so the giant wad of yogurt was half frozen by the time is landed in her hair. Her feet paused on the steps, her eyes went wide, and her mouth fell open at the horrid sensation. Everyone was staring and laughing; she didn't need to look up to know it was Serena who had done it. And anyway, her eyes were staring straight ahead. At Chuck. He wasn't laughing with everyone else as he stood in the shadows and he met her gaze. No expression, no emotion, he just… stared at her. It felt like he didn't know who she was anymore and it made her question herself.

It was once again her years of ruling as Queen that held her together so well. She kept her head high and walked right past Chuck, through the doors, and towards the nearest restroom. By the time she had saved her hair the best she could, she had to hurry to her locker. Penelope must have been waiting around the corner, for the taller girl nearly body checked Blair as she retrieved her French book. The book fell to the ground with a thud and Penelope stepped on it. But Blair didn't look down at the book; instead, she stared into the other brunette's black eyes, "So this is it, huh?"

"Crude, but consistent. As you well know."

"As I know _very_ well. Hey, Penelope. Do you remember that time back in the spring of eighth grade?" Blair let the question hang in the air.

"The spring of eighth grade?" Penelope cleared her throat.

"That time when I sent Dorota to Duane Reade for you? That was the year you began enjoying trysts at PJ Clarke's with-"

"Right. That's enough. Don't you have French class?" Penelope broke eye contact, pretending to see something down the hallway. She lifted her Louboutin off the book, primped for a moment, and then sauntered off to her own class.

And like that, Blair won a reprieve from constant attacks from the minions with her little secrets and favors from the past. She found a pretty spot by a window to eat her lunch and nestled her headphones in her ears to find solace in classical compositions. A repeat of the courtyard incident while leaving school was something she was keen to avoid. She tried to study in the library at first, but the lack of a break between classes and studying wore her out too quickly. She'd have to think on something else to do to divert her attention and pass the time while the school drained from the students initial surge of departure, followed by those in meetings over the next hour.

* * *

Chuck survived the masochism of having to watch her the way he survived his father- drinking and drugs. He lit up in the morning and watched Blair through a haze. Lunch was the hardest, being between vices, he had no filter as he saw her across the large room. The winter light was cold, but it warmed when it fell on her; her soft skin, her long dark curls. One day after lunch, he followed her at a distance, watching her go back to her locker. She still had her headphones in and he watched the swish of her skirt as she swung her hips a little to the music. It was hypnotic, the motion working its way down his spine, heating his blood, and causing his trousers to grow uncomfortably tight. It was Blair's fault he had to drag one of the lowly school sluts into the boys bathroom not ten minutes later.

The following week was their first rehearsal with the Opera Ball group. Chuck didn't drink after school that day. He went home and showered, taking care to… work out his desire, before meticulously dressing. It was a breath of fresh air getting to see her- be with her, at the dance studio. The people there were from other schools, or from university, they didn't get caught up in the drama that had happened last month. They saw Chuck and Blair as a couple and he was happy to oblige. It was cordial, and Blair played along, so it was enough for him. To pretend for a little while that it was all okay, that they were perhaps a bit more than friends, and he could hold her in his arms and breathe her in.

Blair was… confused. Chuck wasn't falling all over her by any means, but at school he was cold and harsh to her. During rehearsal however, he was all kindness and consideration and it threw her off balance. The feeling of it left her emotions stumbling as they laughed with the others, smiled, and he put his arm around her. It was near impossible to not long for him by the end of the session. His eyes were warm as he looked at her by the front door. Other couples climbed into their waiting town cars, some kissed before heading their separate ways. Blair wanted to scream. He just smiled at her, gently passed a hand over her hair, and said, "Later, Waldorf."

This one moment was worse that the ten days before it combined. Her stomach lurched; it was the first time she recalled wanting to make herself sick in a long long time. She didn't. But she longed for the relief she had once found there. Instead, she sent her town car away, bought a hot chocolate, and walked home. The cold cooled her frustration as her mind struggled with his contrasting behavior. How was she going to get through the next few weeks if they were to be like this? Exile by day with the occasional evening playing at happy couple with him, with a man she wondered if she lo… the freezing air nipped at her as she sighed.

The idea of having what she thought she wanted was terrifying. She missed Chuck; she knew that. But what would it mean to be his girlfriend? And what did either of them know about dating? Yet… yet look at tonight. If they could play at it so well, was it such a big step to fully do it in reality? The only way to know would be to keep playing.

* * *

At the end of the week, Blair had found a new hiding place. Studying might be too tedious immediately after classes but she could play her cello. It was a good way to release the tension and frustration that had built during the day. She found a small auditorium and sat on the stage. She could play alone or feed music into the sound system to play along with.

It was on not such a great day that she saw him. The first movement of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony was so perfectly bitter, nothing else matched her mood quite so well. Most people would recognize the heavy dramatic opening, the instinctual dread those few notes elicited. But Blair saw beyond that, her eyes pulling across the white pages full of black lines and dots, playing along with the London Symphony.

This composition was her life right now. The weight of the forceful sections were the bad moments, the times the minions sought revenge, the whispers in the hallways, when she brushed shoulders with Serena in passing. She dug her bow in hard during these phrases- Nate not looking at her, not sharing his kind smiles. Chuck treating her the same, which was infinitely worse. Because he truly mattered. While she missed Serena when she went shopping, Blair realized there was little else she would have had to share with Serena without Chuck in her life. She hit the next bass note hard.

The music swelled into one of its lighter sections. There she found her Chuck, waiting in the spinning notes of the violins, her happy low tones dancing underneath. When they were at rehearsals, he was hers for a little while. She didn't know the point of it though; if this was all in service to Diane, why did it feel this way? Chuck could act with the best of them, but Blair _knew_ him. This wasn't all a façade, yet the uncertainty of everything clutched her heart. The end of the movement hummed in her veins as she struck the last string of notes.

The shuffled playlist instantly flipped to the next track, the Allegretto from Symphony Seven. Blair felt her hands shake a little from the adrenaline of playing and moved to set her bow on the music stand. Closing her eyes, she breathed for a few minutes, the gentle music sliding through her. The notes climbed and crescendoed, goosebumps rising on her skin, prickling at her neck. The sadness and ache of the notes expanded inside her chest. With a deep exhale, she opened her eyes and looked out into the dark auditorium as the notes burst at the top of a crescendo.

And there he was.

His eyes fixed on her, as he leaned back against the wall with his hands so casually stuck in his pockets. It was a pretense; the truth was not in his posture or his face, but those deep, dark, beautiful eyes. The notes were cool and bittersweet as they wrapped around them. She caught him in a glimmer of hazel, his desire and longing standing on a fine edge. More. There had to be _more_.

Eager to find it, Blair turned and stopped the music feed. By the time she turned back to him, she caught his shadowed silhouette passing through the door. Maybe… maybe some Bach would make her feel better?

* * *

Music became her daily reprieve from isolation and dance rehearsals were the glimpses of the other side of exile. Those few hours of pretending in front of others, the sensation of Chuck's body against hers, his eyes, vibrant, alive, and staring deeply into hers. She felt like nothing else mattered when they were together like that. His cold indifference to her elsewhere, his blindness at school, all of that was nothing when they were together here.

Chuck savored this time together as well. He couldn't show her that, but part of him imagined she knew- she had to know. Leaving her at the end of dance lessons was agony. Returning to the darkness alone ate at him, more so with each session. Drinking wasn't enough and drugs didn't help his frustration. His belief in her was brining out the worst in him; when they were playing together months ago, it had been enough for him. But after the betrayal, he had indulged in a night of every vice. Now his need to fuck his frustration away was a natural result of holding her for hours, pretending to be a happy couple, while sensually rubbing up on one another as they danced.

It became so intense, he planned for it. Just over a week to the ball and only a few sessions left, Chuck scheduled to have a girl waiting for him with his limo. It was quick, dirty, easy, and let him get Blair out of his system and back to his state of numbness. In his blind need, he couldn't know she was watching him; though really, he should have.

One of the other girls, Brittany, saw it too, "Woah, who's that?"

Blair tore her eyes away from the leggy blonde who was slipping into Chuck's limo with him, "Oh… Victrola business."

It sounded good enough, right?

Was this part of her punishment? He was Chuck Bass and she sure as hell wasn't stupid. She knew… she had always known. But to _see_ it. And immediately after lessons; it was a cruel way to burst her tiny bubble of bliss. It continued, following each rehearsal during that final week, a different girl waiting for him. Blair began to lose it.

* * *

Chuck stood as Diane approached the table, leaning in to kiss her on the cheek.

"Ready for the big day tomorrow?" She smiled and took her seat.

He offered a smile back, "This year is easier than last; I think it will be a good evening."

"I'm glad. You and Blair looked wonderful in rehearsals." Diane offered him this small encouragement.

"Thank you." Chuck toyed with his glass, not sure what more he could say about it.

"So then… things are going well?" she nudged the topic.

"They're progressing," he paused for a drink. "It's harder on me than I had imagined. I don't think we've ever been so far apart before. Having the dance rehearsals has been sanctuary and hell all at once. Somedays I wonder how much longer I'll last."

"But the prize is worth it?" Diane tilted her head for emphasis.

"To have my Blair back?" Chuck smiled, though not at her. He played coy, smirking at his glass, and thinking of the Blair he loves.

This satisfied Diane's curiosity on the topic. "And how's your dear Victrola?"

A much easier topic. "The new construction is done. Stage work in February, and final installations in March."

She raised her glass to him, "To all your dreams and ambitions, Charles."

* * *

Chuck appreciated his little bits of time reflecting with Diane. But exposing his heart that much, even for a brief time, left him feeling sore about the state of things. It was now late on a Friday night after their dinner and the owner of Victrola belonged in his domain.

Drink was not dissolving his wandering thoughts of Blair as he sat in his booth. At their very last rehearsal, she had worn that delicious pink dress again and had put every other girl in the room to shame. She glowed in his arms, with that soft, sweet smile that played on her lips when they danced. She hadn't said a word about what she would wear tomorrow night. He imagined any number of stunning gowns on her and questioned his ability to survive the evening without kissing her even once.

He felt his torment straining in his pants. Luckily, one of his favorite 'dancers' was sauntering by.

"Mary," He grabbed her arm and slid her pretty little ass into his lap, "Keep me company tonight?"

The pretty redhead flashed her best _anything for you_ smile and kissed him. The intense kissing helped make his mind fuzzy and freed him from thoughts of Blair. Mary's hands snaked down his shirt… further down. Excited, he kissed her neck, nipping at the fine white skin and making her moan. His eyes watch the throbbing of the crowd as his mouth elicited more little cries from her. He wanted to lose himself so badly tonight.

There was an anchor in the mob of strangers however. Chuck knew he could spot Blair anywhere and half the time he would have felt her presence first. But not now, not when he was trying to bury himself in distraction. Her mouth was drawn tight; nothing like the smile she had given him when they danced. And her eyes were full of displeasure. His mind screamed to know what she was doing here but his body's desire won over his addled brain.

Mary pulled the curtains shut behind her just as Blair turned to walk away. He hadn't fucked anyone as hard has he fucked her that night, in a very long time. Perhaps he had spoken too soon to Diane?

* * *

Chuck stood once more in the foyer of the Waldorf penthouse. He wore an elegant tux; no tails this time, and there had been a brief moment of temptation when he glanced at the cufflinks she had given him as he dressed. But this year… this year was nothing like where, or who, they had been last year. Annoyed as he waited, he tugged at his cuffs. The links he had chosen to wear suited the situation perfectly: ancient discs of metal containing the face of Janus, the two-faced god, facing the past and the future.

Without any sort of fanfare and certainly devoid of the sweetness she displayed last year, Blair purposefully descended the stairs. However, Blair was always a weapon to her cause, every movement, every choice; even fallen, she never lost her Queenly edge, her instinct for inflicting pain. She was punishing him. He _knew_ she would after last night, but knowing meant nothing with Blair Waldorf, she had too many tools at her disposal. Her hair was collected in a low chignon at the base of her neck, her hair, her body, free of any distracting gems. Perfect neck, round shoulders, the delicious line of her collarbone, all brazenly on display- for him, most especially for him. The dress was all black and sheer, a mesmerizing blend of tasteful, conservative use of patterns of black lace, covering plenty, yet somehow not quite. Sleeves of the material started just below her naked shoulders, reaching down just past her wrists. The skirt was full enough to distract from the skintight style of the torso, the black lace in the skirt punctuated with black crystal, all dripping over a layer of pale hued fabric underneath.

Blair said nothing to him; she did not even meet his eyes. She simply moved to stand next to her heavy cloak, waiting for him to slip it over her shoulders. After all, this was what he had required her to play at. Soon enough she would smile and laugh for him, but not until she _had_ to. Stepping behind her, his breath caught as he inhaled her scent, struggling to control his body's natural response to her. He stood over her, lifting the thick, heavy velvet to her shoulders. He accidentally— he wasn't completely sure, brushed his fingertips against her bare skin. She refused to react. His imagination erupted in reply, wondering if she could refrain from expressing her attraction to him if he pressed his mouth to the hollow of her neck and slid his hands over her shoulders, down to slip under her dangerous gown to grab her visible-yet-concealed breasts.

But instead, he simply drew his hands back as Blair fastened her cloak before accepting his proffered arm. Time for the show to begin.

* * *

AN: Just my poor editing this time! Chapter title "Esekucupheleni" is Zulu meaning "A Fine Edge" and was translated by the absolutely beautiful Phetha! There are lots more chapters to come, and I'm running low on languages! Please don't make me resort to Google Translator? I missing a lot of South Asian and Western European languages!

A special thank you to everyone who voted in the Chuck and Blair Awards and the Gossip Girl Blog Awards! I'm still floored, weeks later, to have won Best Fic Writer and Best Fic Blog. You all have given me so much, more than I can honestly imagine my little stories give to you! Thank you, just a million times over, thank you!

One last point of business, I hope you can forgive me for the long note- it's been awhile! I finally settled on a pen name to use on my hope-to-be-someday published works. I've setup the Twitter and Facebook accounts, which you can find under MsGigiMorgan. I hope you'll follow along as I see where this writing thing takes me! Don't worry, there's still plenty more of this story to come in the mean time ^_^

Are we ready for the Viennese Opera Ball? Looks like Chuck and Blair are about to combust, honestly. What a mess they are, not really talking in weeks, Chuck hiding, Blair fighting to get through whatever each day brings. And now this? Playing in the public eye should make for an interesting evening. She looks about ready to slap him and he was worried about not being able to go the whole night without kissing her. Sounds like fun to me! :D Oh, and if you're curious to see her dress, it's my other favorite Zuhair Murad. Posted under the tags for this story on my Tumblr. I hope you take a moment to review and let me know how you liked it, and if you dare, let me know how you think the ball will go? I know you must be expecting something deliciously awful, or maybe deliciously wonderful? To happen! xoxo ~K


	24. Ní Fiú A Bheith Beo Mura

Ní Fiú A Bheith Beo Mura

Going from the penthouse to the limo was fraught with tension. Chuck wanted to make her tremble, wanted to make her show she felt something for him. The myriad of ways he could achieve this flashed through his mind as they stood in the elevator. But the journey passed uneventful, the pair seemingly indifferent to one another if there had been any onlookers.

Arthur opened the door of the limo for them. Blair paused to gather the skirt of her dress and as she turned, Chuck chose to take a risk. He took her free hand in his, helping her into the limo. He was sad her face was hidden from him, but he'd touched her and if his touch affected her anything like her touch affected him? He slipped into the limo after her with a small smirk of satisfaction on his face.

Blair adjusted the layers of her skirt and cloak around her, as she did so, her hand lightly brushed over his, the soft sensation fleeting as her fingers traced over the back of his hand and down his fingers. Chuck's satisfaction slid from his face and a small groan- nearly a growl, escaped from within.

Blair smoothed the velvet of her cloak. She asked with perfect nonchalance, "Problem, Bass?"

Chuck clipped back, "No."

"I'm glad. Certainly a small touch couldn't bother you. After all, I think you've put Casanova to shame this past week or so."

"I have no idea wh-"

"Playing stupid doesn't suit you. I know you saw me last night and I've seen you leaving after rehearsals. Your libido must be well sated and I'm sure you don't feel even the slightest reaction to my," Blair slid her fingers over his hand, "touch."

Chuck held himself still as he watched her fold her hands into her lap and turn to gaze out the window. She really couldn't see that it was her touch driving him to this behavior? He let out an annoyed breath and was thankful tonight was the end of this torture.

* * *

When the limo door opened again, an entirely different couple stepped out and entered the historic Waldorf-Asotria. This Chuck was elegance and charm and the Blair on his arm was smiling and glowing; they were charismatic, their aura drawing all eyes to the dark couple that shined.

After many small greetings were made and promises to talk more later, the pair finally made it the chairwoman.

Chuck gave her his best smile, "Diane."

"Charles!" There was a pause for a small hug. "And Blair, it is so wonderful to have you here again this year."

Blair smiled with a small curtsey, "Thank you, Chairwoman Courtland."

"Please," Diane waved her hand in dismissal, "Call me Diane; it's going to be a long night and we'll be sitting together."

Brown eyes went wide as Blair responded, "But protocol-"

"Tosh, forget protocol. I have to spend enough time with the committee the rest of the year. I need some fresh conversation. Besides, if you're even a fraction as delightful as Charles says you are…" Diane finished with a knowing grin as she watched Blair turn a little pinker than she was a minute ago. "But that's fun for later; I'm afraid we should keep making our rounds for now, shouldn't we?"

And so they did, contributing to the buzzing hum of society in one of the city's oldest ballrooms. Just as Blair's socialite smile was growing tired was it finally time to sit and watch the presentation of the debutants. They found their table, with Diane and her husband waiting. "Blair, Charles, this is my husband, Francis."

Cordial greetings were made and they took their seats. Blair sat between Chuck and Diane as they all adjusted their chairs to the best angle to watch the introductions. Diane and Blair sat close, whispering small comments as each girl was presented. Nothing cruel was said beyond disdain for a few of the dresses; mostly just tidbits about the girls or approval of this gown or that tiara. It made the generally dull spectacle more amusing.

Chuck must have approved of how she was getting along, or perhaps he was still feeling cruel? For his arm had progressed from resting on the back of her chair to his hand idly exploring the expanse of her naked back and shoulders. His fingertips were warm but his touch gave her goosebumps. She feared Diane caught her eyes glazing over on several occasions when his fingers teased her neck.

With the last presentation, Chuck and Blair excused themselves to join with the others dancers. They watched as the debutants and their escorts did their dance and Blair felt the nostalgia… that had been her and Chuck last year. But she wouldn't look at him; her frustration was difficult- all of this playing and poking at each other. She could still feel the sensation of his touch on her back and tried to focus on reviewing the dance in her head. It worked just long enough as a distraction before she took Chuck's arm and they took the floor with the other couples.

It was beautiful and flawless. The way they moved together, his hands on her, the way she touched him as they danced. They were suppose to be creating living art as they and the other couples whirled around the floor. But as Blair felt the beating of her heart, all she could think was how a hundred years ago, two hundred years ago, music and dance were regulated as dangerous, risky things. This dance, these movements, the sensual strains of the music, it would have been obscene once. In this moment, she understood how inappropriate it all was- beautiful, yes, but she could _feel_ all of this. The longing she was expressing wasn't just a higher expression of the emotion, it was her own. Her own longing for the man she was dancing with, who was gazing into her eyes.

By the time the final chords were hit and Chuck dipped her deep, with such slow, agonizing movement, Blair was a perfect mixture of aroused and angry. Angry with her vulnerability to him, angry with the situation, with the power she had lost. She needed him and he… what?

He was aching; his love was tearing him up inside. Seeing her at his side all evening, being sociable, but having to repeat the "oh we're just friends" line over and over again, he was starting to worry about how potentially apparent his adoration of her was. The way he had to be close to her, the smallest upturn to his mouth as he watched her engage in conversation, and their dancing… how much longer could he keep this up? That dip should have ended with a kiss; his free hand was already tracing down her neck. It would have been so easy…

With the end of the performance, other couples rose to dance for awhile. Chuck and Blair had barely recovered from the intensity of the moment before a gentleman was upon them.

"What a stunning performance. Evan Corbin." He bowed and kissed Blair's hand, oblivious to Chuck's very unimpressed expression. "It would be a tremendous honor, Ms. Waldorf, if I might have this dance? I remember you from last year and if I might say, your elegance and grace have only multiplied since then."

Chuck made an audible cough and tried to cut in, "The lady-"

But Blair would have none of it. "I'm sure Mr. Bass would agree it would be rude of me to decline, especially when the evening is so young."

Mr. Corbin was delighted by her reply and quickly pulled her away, Blair simply raising a defiant eyebrow at Chuck. _Isn't this what you wanted? Polite and affable?_

Naturally, Chuck had no problems finding someone else to dance with. It was just that he didn't want to dance with anyone else. And Blair? She was effectively turning the evening on its head, whirling around the floor with one man, then another. He had required her to be a perfect socialite, only… he'd forgotten what that would look like- and that he didn't realize he couldn't watch. She smiled at them, laughed at their jokes, and barely paused long enough for more than a sip or two of champagne before another male was engrossed in trying to hold her attention.

Blair was delighted for the distraction and threw herself fully into it. It was perfect that _this_ is what Chuck had asked of her, and that by doing it well, she might in turn stir a little of the madness in him that she had been suffering from for weeks. His contrast from cold to caring, now she had gone from quiet and polite to engaging and flirty. At this rate, Chuck would have the beat the boys off of her by the end of the night. It was a delicious change from the past couple months.

The thing with the Viennese Opera Ball however, is that it's not just a ball. There are pauses for performances- opera and ballet. She had dodged Chuck during a couple of these, but he was waiting for her when the next stop in dancing happened. With a quick excuse, he pulled her away, off the floor, past their table, down a small hallway and into a small dark alcove. He was so close to her and his body, his energy, had her already responding to him- the beat of her heart, the slight tremble of her body in longing.

Chuck's displeasure burned in his eyes, "What are you trying to do?"

Blair held cool, "Be polite and sociable. I'm being the absolute personification of a perfect society princess. Isn't that what you had asked of me? And I wouldn't want to shame you or Diane by being rude."

"That's why you let those boys have their hands all over you?"

"Oh, you mean _dancing_? It was all perfectly innocent!" Blair felt her frustration with him rising, "Then again, I suppose I don't understand what dancing can do to a man. Plenty of us saw you going off with your variety of 'friends' after rehearsals. What do you suppose they made of that?"

"Whatever it was, it was still private. But _you_," Chuck seethed, the full force of having to watch her with other men bright in his mind, "laughing and flirting, happily wrapped up in another man's arms. What are you trying to reach for? Do you think _they_ can give you want you want?"

Blair hadn't wanted to think of that. Finding her first love with someone else. Would she have to? "Maybe they can!" She bit back hard; wasn't it what he wanted? "Instead of endlessly repenting my sins and _hoping_ for the devil's absolution."

It was faster than the champagne bubbles would let her process. His body had pinned hers to the wall and he was kissing her hard. She lifted her hands to his hair, her mind swimming in the sensation of him. His hands had roamed up to her breasts, cupping them, squeezing them, as he opened his mouth to her. She panted, arching into him more, kissing him back feverishly. Her mind told her to never let it end as she felt the aching grow low in her stomach.

Chuck pulled away to kiss from her collarbone up the length of her neck. He needed to feel her suffering with him. He was tired of having to disregard his heart, tired of the lie of being 'just friends', she didn't need to so thoroughly disrespect him on the arm of all those other men. If she honored her feelings and honored his, she wouldn't have done that. There was a better way than what had happened; they didn't have to feel this way. So here he was, reminding them both of how they felt. Their passion, their power, of all they could have if only…

His mouth was pressed against her ear and her breath shuddered as his hands roughly grasped her breasts, "Do you remember that day in the pool last summer?" He jerked his hips against hers through her dress, "When you said I wanted you?"

Chuck's mouth came to hers and kissed her wildly. She responded full of enthusiasm, eager for him as she held onto jacket. Her little risk was paying off; the dress, the teasing, the flirting with other boys, all while she did what he had asked her to do to make amends. It made her giddy and breathless. This was it, wasn't it?

"Yes." She panted, his mouth now trailing hot kisses down her neck, "I remember."

He pulled her body even tighter against his as his mouth found that magical spot that made her mind go hazy and her knees weak. Then… it was jarring; he shoved her firmly against the wall before letting her go and taking a few firm steps back away from her.

A strangled sound of shock and disappointment left her mouth. She didn't want to open her eyes to look at him. Chuck's voice was strong in her ears.

"I still mean what I had said then."

Blair felt panic rising in her chest; no, things were changing, getting better- why was this happening? She felt the heat of his fingertips begin to drift along the length of her collarbone. Still she listened, her eyes closed.

"You still need to modify your attitude. _My_ girlfriend will respect herself; she will respect _me_." He had leaned into her again, his sinful mouth whispering in her ear, "And she'll feel how much I respect her every time I thrust into her delicious body."

She tried to arch into him, but he was already pulling away from her once more. Tightening her jaw, gathering her will, she finally opened her eyes to him. He looked so cool and refined in his tux, his perfect bow tie… that she had not tied for him. It should have been her tying it. He slanted his eyes at her, seemingly reading her thoughts while mirroring back on what he had said. "Will that be you, Blair? Do you believe you will be her?"

Determination renewed itself and she raised herself up, standing tall. She ignored the throbbing ache between her legs and the rasping of the lace against her taunt nipples to meet his forceful gaze with that of the Queen within her. She had grown desperate and he knew it. So much for her risk.

"Better. Shall we?"

Chuck proffered his arm, and taking it, he then led her back to the charade.

* * *

The performance had ended when they walked back into the ballroom. Diane's husband saw Chuck and begged Blair's forgiveness; he wanted to introduce Chuck to some businessmen. She smiled and played along, teasing that she could share and that they should run along. She released Chuck's arm, but before he joined Francis, he leaned down and kissed her on the cheek in parting. The gesture left her frozen for a moment as she watched them walk away. Chuck gave her one last look, reminding her to be good, but not _too_ good, in his absence.

The past ten minutes had left her spinning. A tray of champagne floated by and Blair happily took one. Walking through the crowd, she found some of the girls from the dancing corps she had come to know over the past weeks. Brittany was talking with Sophia and Shawn Marie.

"I got my dress in Milan this year; I just couldn't find anything I liked in Paris or London."

"I'm just happy to not be a deb this year. You get all excited to wear white, but it's so boring to try and find something interesting that is entirely white." Sophia patted her pretty dark blue dress with pride.

"The dress is important, but the accessories are equally important. Good shoes, the right jewels, and a great bag. Evening clutches can be so simple or absolute works of art." Shawn Marie flashed her vintage Valentino clutch with pride and satisfaction, the satin hue matching her pumps while the gold and diamond-encrusted pair of birds perched atop it glimmered in the soft light.

"And you don't want to forget the ultimate accessory," Blair chimed in here. "The escort."

The girls all murmured in agreement. Each took their turn in talking about their dates. Blair stayed quiet; all the other girls were in _real_ relationships. However, they weren't about to let her abstain from the conversation when it meant asking about the infamous Chuck Bass. Sophia prodded her, "So, Charles Bass?"

Blair fidgeted with her empty champagne glass, "We've known each other for a really long time, grew up together."

Sophia raised her eyebrows, "And he brought you, over… well." That implied enough; he brought her over all the many other women he could have escorted tonight.

"We're just friends." Blair really wanted another glass of champagne. Now.

Brittany half snorted into her glass at Blair's reply. Shawn Marie wasn't quite buying it, "Because Chuck Bass has girls who are _just_ friends."

"Not _every_ woman opens their legs for him," Blair huffed, all the champagne quickly began to catch up with her, "and you don't have to sleep with him to find out how talented he is in bed."

Blair didn't see their eyes going wide; Shawn Marie almost started laughing. A tray of champagne passed by and the girls all refreshed their drinks.

"They chose some really delicious champagne for tonight." Blair said as she traded her glass.

Shawn Marie was still grinning from Blair's last remark, "I imagine only Chuck Bass would possibly taste better. It might be close?"

Blair swished the champagne around in her fresh glass, "Oh, he tastes better."

The girls exchanged looks, curious at this revelation. Shawn Marie kept going, "Really? Maybe I should go find out, since you two aren't _really_ a couple."

In reply to that cut, Blair drank the glass in one long go. Once finished, she looked back at the girls and announced quite simply, "Just because he tastes better doesn't mean _you_ can have a taste."

Shawn Marie had to hide a smile; Blair was tipsy and it was fun egging her on.

"This is the Upper East Side. Nothing is simple, and a man like Chuck Bass," Blair sat her empty glass down, "is hardly going to settle for catfish when he's tasted," she licked her lips and ran a hand over the rough lace covering her décolletage, "caviar."

The other girls were much better drinkers but it was still all they could muster not to burst out laughing. Blair was oblivious and locked her gaze on Chuck across the room, "Now, if you'll excuse me ladies. I have something more delicious tempting my palate."

The girls were chuckling as Blair sauntered off and Sophia giggled heartily, "They won't last the limo ride home!"

* * *

Blair slid up next to Chuck, slipping her arm through his, her best socialite smile in place. She waited for the appropriate pause before speaking, "If you'd excuse us, Mr. Cooper."

They turned away from the crowd and in a few short steps, Blair's hands were gliding up Chuck's neck and pulling his mouth down to hers. She let out a little sigh as he let her kiss him, his hands wrapping around her waist, holding her close. He _did_ taste better.

Chuck broke away before the kiss became a spectacle. Keeping his head close to hers- a sweet looking gesture to those around them, he castigated her, "Blair, you're drunk."

"Mm," she moaned. "How do you taste so good?"

"Blair." his voice was a low growl.

"It's almost three in the morning," she sighed. "You try being on your feet all night in these shoes without a little help."

It was the strangest flurry of motion; Blair was tired and more than a little tipsy. But she smiled and nuzzled her face into the crook of Chuck's neck when she felt the safety of his arms carrying her. He was so warm and she quickly fell asleep in the limo as he took her home. She couldn't remember how she got inside, next she knew she was under her covers, tugging at her dress.

"Chuuuuck."

"No." Yeah, he wasn't about to do that to himself.

"Didn't I say it right?"

He heard the sound of the zipper sliding down and he huffed in reply, "You said it fine." As the painful bulge in his trousers was happy to remind him. Blair wiggled and kicked under her covers.

"Pull? Please?" She pleaded.

Chuck reached politely under the covers by her feet and tugged the dress free from her and the bedding. He laid it on her chaise as Blair snuggled under her duvet.

"Chuck…"

Under the cover of darkness, he rolled his eyes; why couldn't she just go to sleep?

"Cyrus says it doesn't have to be this way forever. When…when will it be over?"

Chuck said nothing, unsure how to respond to that question.

Her voice grew quieter, "The ball is over. Now what?"

No more dancing, no more holding her, no more times like _that_. He felt his body weaken with his resolve.

"Go to sleep, Blair."

She turned her face into her pillow, but he still understood her muffled words, "How can I sleep like this? Living in this constant purgatory."

Enough. Just for a little while. Chuck kicked off his shoes and climbed on top of the duvet. Reaching across the distance, he pulled her back into his chest, holding her tight in his arms. He breathed in the sweet scent of her, soaked in the feel of her laying with him. Somehow, he would find a way to stay here, soon.

Safe in the blackness of night, freed from inhibition by too much champagne, Blair released a question tied to a memory so much like this moment. "Do you still love me?"

There was no pause for hesitation from Chuck. He simply kissed the top of her head and murmured, "Go to sleep, Blair."

Wrapped in darkness, in his warmth, Blair could now let go, happily blinking out of existence for a time.

* * *

AN: Hasty edits by me, this month is just a touch busy! Chapter title translated by the wonderful Great_CB_Love on Twitter! It's is Irish for "Only worth living if" Can you name the song I borrowed the phrase from? -_^ It was in a Chair scene in the show...

Hope you enjoy the update! It's a crazily busy time for me and if it didn't happen today, well... it's going to be awhile until the next one! I entered part of my original in a writing contest, eap! So that was stressful and terrifying. Real life job is nuts right now, and exhausting, and I'm off to a writer's conference next weekend. See what you've done to me? :)

Any favorite lines this time? Does anyone need to be peeled off the ground? They both got pretty fussy this time, but in the end...

Can't wait to show you what I have planned in the next chapter. I might have to post a special teaser somewhere, one of the scenes is just too fun! And perhaps it's from where my BCBG horn's all day yesterday, but I'll be evil and tease that 26 is... -_^  
Aren't you happy I'm a plotter and not a panser? lol!

Until next time... xoxo ~K

PS: Cookie Monster, find me somewhere I can reply to you? Can't reply to anon posts on FFnet :(


	25. şafaktan önce karanlık

şafaktan önce karanlık

Blair rolled over in her bed, seeking the heat that had kept her so wonderfully warm all night. A dull throbbing in her temples as she turned her head, she only felt a little hungover. Then, her eyes flew open.

Gone.

Chuck was gone. She felt the sheets, looking for proof he had been here. There was the faintest trace of his heat from where he had laid behind her; he had stayed the whole night. Her mind spun backwards, through the up and down of intense emotions that last night had been. Under the cold morning light, none of it made anymore sense. The teasing, the kissing, the ravishing in the hallway, the argument; Blair clutched her head. And now he was gone. The coward!

Tossing her covers aside, Blair grabbed her hairbrush and tugged it through her hair. She watched it in the mirror, bouncing back, fairytale princess-like, into a neat cascade of curls. Dropping the brush, she grabbed her ruby ring from her vanity and shoved it on, at the same time as her pumps from last night. Pulling a long winter coat from her closet, she flew down the stairs and out of her building.

Fate must have been on her side today. As she stormed down the hallway of the 18th floor of the Palace, room service was leaving his suite. She pushed past the person before his door swung shut and stood center stage in front of his sofa set, blocking the TV.

He and Nate were laid out, a cloud of smoke above their heads. The food was spread on the coffee table, including their mandatory bowls of Lucky Charms, and The Godfather played on the large screen TV. Blair didn't care about that; she only saw Chuck in her fury. Of _course_ he was smoking, hiding from her, from them. She began to pop open the small row of buttons on her pretty red coat, his eyes gazing up at her, confused by her sudden appearance.

"I don't understand _what_ you are trying to do anymore." Blair threw the coat off of her shoulders, the heavy wool falling to the ground.

Chuck swallowed hard. Her underwear matched her dress from last night; the same black lace pattern over nude material. The strapless bra cupping her breasts, the pretty underwear was black underneath black lace fabric that hung down from the garter belt, the soft edging stopping short a few inches of bare skin before her black stocking began to run down her legs.

Chuck sat quiet, stuck between being baked and shocked. Nate was shocked too, but that didn't stop him from whispering, "Uh, dude. Blair looks hot. I don't… I don't really think I should be seeing this? Serena would kill me."

"You don't speak to me- you don't even look at me!" Blair gestured to her beautiful body. "Then we go to this ball at _your_ request, and at rehearsals you acted like a person- like you cared! And…last night. What was that? You kiss me like that, ask me if I can be the girl worthy of being your girlfriend. Prove it, you told me. Prove _what_? Do you even know anymore? And respect? Because that's what this is, is it? You felt respect for me when you took me home, carried me to my bed and let me fall asleep in your arms?"

Blair was disgusted; he just laid there, showing nothing- had he even heard her? She hastily picked up her coat. Her fury wasn't waning in the least, "And it was all for what? So you could _leave_!"

Saying all this out loud, to his face, only made it all worse, made it all the more real. Even more enraged in the end, she picked up a fist full of Lucky Charms and hurled them at Chuck. Not to forget how _polite_ she was expected to be, she turned, slipping her coat back over her shoulders and said with a pretty smile, "Good to see you, Nate," before leaving as quickly as she had arrived.

"Man." Nate muttered a couple minutes later.

"What?" Chuck grumbled.

"You…left that?" Nate sounded floored.

"Do you need to go find Serena?" He replied before taking a long draw of his joint.

"Maybe…"

* * *

The truth was Chuck felt torn. Even more so after her little appearance in his suite. That was his Blair- but was that really her? They had stumbled a bit at the ball, but their teasing, their passion, even her outburst. It made his heart race to see her in her unrestrained perfection at his side. But would she be meek when Monday arrived? Was she finding her own small happiness to hold on to when he wasn't there? Chuck was determined to look for a sign.

That week after the ball showed Blair coming back to herself. She wasn't about to defy Queen Serena, but she pushed back harder against the minions when they tried to come after her. And the minions? They backed down. Blair walked down the hallway with her shoulders straight and her head held high. As he watched her, he knew something was still missing…

* * *

Valentine's Day. Blair could never remember it sucking so much before. But then, she supposed that's because she never wanted to be with anyone before. And Chuck was still aloof; she was so fed up with that _whole_ thing. But she still tried to treat herself well on this day of love. Red little pumps, white stockings, her school skirt, and a warm, tasteful black cardigan buttoned all the way up.

She held her breath, waiting for disappointment when she opened her locker that morning. While exhaling, she let the door swing free and then promptly quirked her eyebrow, confused. A slim box waited for her inside. Opening it, a thin, bright red headband laid inside.

_The Queen has been_

_missing something lately._

_ x_

Blair slid the headband into place and tucked the note in her bag. She had not planned to risk exposing herself to him today. The ball had left her feeling weary of her masochism. But now…she felt like maybe The Queen should thank him for his gift?

At lunch, Chuck caught Bruna…something or another, trying to catch his eye. Casually, he walked down the hallway he had seen her heading towards. She was leaning against the wall by the men's room at the end of the hall.

"Bruna, I didn't think you were one of those girls." He smiled. He didn't think she was, so really he was just curious.

"I…I'm not! But I think you might need to…" Her eyes flickered to the door.

"Do I?" Chuck smiled in thanks. It was cute how flushed she had become just having to talk to him.

He pushed through the door, half expecting one of the sluttier girls to be sitting on the counter with her underwear already on the floor. But… he didn't see anyone at the counter. He really didn't see anything except a blur of black and white before he was being kissed. Kissed by a mouth he knew better than any other. He sighed a little, "Blair…"

He slid his hands around her waist and moaned at the feel of her skin. She had unbuttoned her demur little cardigan for him. He kissed her harder for it.

"How did you know," Blair breathed between kisses, "That it matched my lingerie?"

Chuck pulled his head back long enough to get a proper look at her. The headband in her hair perfectly matched the beautiful red balconette pushing up her breasts.

"Fuck, Blair." He leaned down and began kissing her again.

She let him for another minute, before her hands curled around his and pushed them from her waist. "Thank you, Bass."

He was so dazed, he barely opened his eyes in time to see her buttoning up the cardigan as she sauntered out of the men's room. Chuck growled at himself and pulled a hand through his hair. What was he going to do?

* * *

Another week began. Blair focused on herself and tried not to think about whatever it was going on with Chuck. Chuck? He just kept waiting for a sign. He didn't want to cave in only to watch it all turn to ash.

And then, something interesting happened that Tuesday. Because Blair had always had her high status, everything was a trade. Even exiled, escaping the minions was trading threat for threat. No one did anything _just_ because. You did it _because_. But that Tuesday…

She went to touch up her lipstick and lipgloss in the bathroom only to discover it occupied a sobbing mess she vaguely recognized as Sabrina McMillan.

"Um, I'll only be a minute…" Blair mumbled as she pulled out her new Chanel lipstick.

"What is this haircut? And these highlights? They are suppose to be _caramel_ highlights!" The girl bemoaned in the mirror.

"Let me see?" Blair pulled the girl towards her, "Hmm, you should go somewhere and have it fixed- this length isn't good, and the color could be better. But for now…"

She looked thoughtfully at the girl for a moment. Since Chuck had given her the red headband, Blair had begun wearing headbands again. The white one she was wearing today would help. She pulled it from her head and tucked it over the other girl's hair. Turning her back to the mirror, Blair said, "There. Better! You should pass any scrutiny for the rest of the day at the least."

Sabrina watered up again, "Blair…"

Then it hit like Cyrus. Sabrina was hugging her tight, "Thank you so much!"

With the flash of a smile, Blair watched the other girl exhale happily and walk back into the hallway. Alone at last, Blair returned to the task at hand. But as soon as her pout was perfect once more, she found herself smiling. It had felt good helping Sabrina.

* * *

That happiness had carried Blair through the day. The feeling must have been magnetic, because Chuck had felt it. What he saw when he snuck into the auditorium that afternoon was bright and beautiful.

Blair was trying something new. The projector screen had dropped and she had hooked up her laptop to stream video. She sat next to the screen, playing along with another cellist. Well, the video of another cellist, playing an adaptation of the Bach Prélude. He had such joy on his face, a happiness and passion for his music while he played. And as Chuck glimpsed from the screen to Blair playing along, he saw the same expression on her face. If she tripped over a note, she laughed, her whole being light in this little world she had made on stage. He watched her, completely enraptured; her movements, the beautiful music, the light playing in her hair as she bowed to the delightful sounds she made.

Quite simply put, he was stunned by her brightness; never had he seen her shine like this. As the piece came to a close, Chuck stumbled back into the hallway before Blair might notice him. Having escaped discovery, he leaned back against the wall, and stared at nothing in particular. All he could think was that Blair was happy. No scheme, no cruelty, nothing to do with anyone but herself and she was…happy.

* * *

The next morning, Chuck approached the Queen, where she sat perched above her minions on the Met steps. The oddity of it was not lost on anyone as they gaze down at him.

Serena spoke, as was her right, "Chuck Bass."

"I thought you should know," he met her gaze, "soon."

Serena stood and dismissed her minions. "Talk amongst yourself, think of some punishment for Kati. This is private business."

The pair walked to one of the stone benches along the edge of the park and 5th Ave.

"It took you long enough," Serena teased.

"It wasn't exactly up to me, was it?" Chuck rebuffed.

"How soon?" Serena's voice almost sounded pleading.

"I don't know. I'm still a bit at a loss. Yesterday…" Chuck saw Blair so brightly in his mind, the smile on her face.

"Yesterday?"

"I don't ever think I've seen her that happy, Serena." Chuck shoved his hands in his pockets as he leaned back.

"She's grown then? Our sweet Blair has come out of hiding?" The blonde smiled at the thought of having her best friend back.

"Whatever is happening, I can tell you I'm weakening. Ten weeks of _hell_ is what I've been through. She grows more beautiful everyday and I can't take this separation much longer. Years, Serena. We were so close before either of us knew it and I miss her." Chuck looked much cooler than he sounded.

Serena tried to check his feelings a little, "You missed her well before this blew up. And it's been hard on all of us. Either way," she gave a devious little smile, "I'm going to enjoy watching you crack."

Chuck groaned.

Serena elbowed him in reply, "Oh, the headaches you two are going to cause me!"

"Right, we're done now." Chuck stood up, giving the Queen a small little smile for truly, she was happy at his news and all that it meant was coming.

* * *

Thursday morning, the minions were busy with their tasks and Serena was enjoying being in love. She and Nate made a shining, almost sickening, scene in the courtyard together. He sat on one of the tabletops while Serena leaned happily into him. Blair still gave the Queen plenty of space, so as she arrived at school, she skirted around them, hiding in the shadows, to avoid any potential confrontations. Her ears were keenly listening for any threats as she edged past their table. But it wasn't a threat that began to make her ears burn.

"… I love who I am with you, Nate Archibald."

Blair's feet slowed to a stop at Serena's words, causing her to instantly think of Chuck.

"You've never made me something I'm not; you've only made me stronger, you've made me better."

Blair held her head low as she as she eavesdropped, turning a little to watch as Serena dropped sweet kisses onto Nate's mouth. She felt her mouth tug into a small smile, a little bit of empathy mixed in with her envy at the sight. Lifting her eyes, she saw Chuck standing across from her, on the other side of the courtyard. That tiny smile gave up its hope as she stared at him. All she could think was _why isn't that us?_

Chuck pulled back into his shadows, breaking their gaze. He felt the pain of it shooting through his heart. _That should be us_. Oh, her face… He saw what he felt inside reflected on her face. Soon. So very soon.

* * *

The day felt a bit shaky under her feet after that. By the time classes were through, she tried to play her cello. But it wouldn't work; she couldn't focus. So she gave up and setting her cello aside, she turned on some music. She laid on the stage and closed her eyes, trying to escape as she let her thoughts float on the waves of Beethoven's soothing Piano Concerto Number Five.

With a deep breath, Chuck pushed the auditorium door open. Instantly, he was startled to not find Blair playing her cello. The gentle sound of a piano playing wafted over the sound system, swells of orchestration accompanying it, and he gazed at the odd sight of Blair lying on the stage. She seemed to be somewhere else, not registering his presence at all as he walked towards the stage.

He had heard once that Beethoven's composition were considered scandalous and erotic during their day, but Chuck had never really understood it before. However, as he gazed at Blair, the rise and fall of her chest under her simple white blouse, and the way the pleated skirt fell against her legs, the music seemed to be urging him on. He found himself deep in a fantasy as he looked at her.

In his mind, she lay there, oblivious to him, just like now. Only she opened her shirt, possessed by her desire, she needed to touch herself, feel herself. Her hands skimmed over her breasts, her stomach, her need only growing stronger from the attention. She spread her legs wide and mercilessly plunged her fingers into her wanton body. He saw the pleasure on her face, the pink tinging her cheeks. But it wasn't enough and he imagined tasting her again. His hands on her thighs, his mouth on her, his tongue buried deep inside her, drinking her in. The moans he would draw from her, how he would make her squirm with delight.

The music in his ears began a slow, throbbing ascent. And now that wasn't enough for him. He knelt over her on that very stage, the bright lights shining in her eyes as she gazed up at him. The notes pulsed in his ears, pulsed in his blood as he imagined being between her thighs, her body open to him, waiting for him. His movement matched the driving sound of the music. He pushed into her, a little bit. Then, a little more, gentle but more, a little deeper…and deeper still, he grew closer. The music intensified and he sighed in the moment, imagining that right then, it had finally happened. He had joined with her.

Chuck's eyes blinked open and he felt a little dizzy, the music having grown softer and a little hazy. Blair still laid their quietly, untouched, in her own world. He drew back into the shadows, afraid of the severity of his desire. Could he really do this? Chuck was suddenly very afraid of himself.

* * *

Blair had hoped the music would help her relax and untangle her thoughts; but it didn't. As much as she wanted Chuck, she felt weary with all of it and half wondered if she should give up and move on. Trying to 'prove it' for over two months had gotten her nothing short of a frustrating, confusing night with him at the Opera Ball.

She walked home trying to come to some sort of a decision. As she climbed in the elevator, she pulled out her phone.

"Mom."

"Blair!"

"I'm sorry, I know it's getting late…"

"No, I was just leaving the atelier. Is something wrong?"

"I…don't know."

"Either it is or it isn't usually." Eleanor chuckled a little.

"It's a boy."

Eleanor cleared her throat, taken a little by surprised, "Okay."

"We've been back and forth and… we've never even been a couple or anything and," Blair sighed. "I don't know if I should just give up at this point."

"I'm going to give you the best advice there is when it comes to people- especially those you care for. You need to talk to him. If anything to say your part, to share your feelings. At least then, if nothing comes of it, you will have said your part and can be at peace with it."

Blair kept quiet as she turned this idea over. The last time they had spoken, she had yelled at Chuck while he was high. That…wasn't really a conversation.

"Thank you, Mom. I think I might try that. Say 'hi' to Cyrus for me?"

"Of course. If he's what you want, don't let him get away."

Blair smiled as she hung up the phone. She had just walked into her room and as she looked around, she pondered her next move.

* * *

Straightening her shoulders and giving her wrist a little shake, the feel of her charm bracelet giving her strength, Blair stepped into Victrola. Friday night, the club was throbbing with bass and hormones. She felt she had chosen an interesting balance for her ensemble: Chuck's blue headband, a tight white dress, sexy yet innocent, and towering heels to make her feel stronger.

She didn't give herself time to hesitate, ordering a dirty martini and walking straight to Chuck's table. Blair was already nervous, but the sight of Chuck with his arm draped around some pretty little thing made the bile rise up her throat. The confidence she exuded sliding into his booth was most certainly not her own.

"Chuck."

"Blair?" The sudden hard-on in his trousers had _nothing_ to do with the girl next to him.

"I thought it was time maybe we talked?" Her eyes slid to the third wheel.

Chuck drained his drink, fear causing him to panic. He had been so worried about _Blair_ being strong enough, he was terrified to think he wasn't. "Then talk."

"Chuck…" She pleaded a little that the other girl be asked to leave. _Fine, whatever_. "It's been two months. I've tried to make amends, tried to be better. But I won't stay down forever- I won't wait forever. If you can't forgive me, tell me. Tell me so I can move on and stop playing this game." Blair had turned her attention as she spoke to the charm bracelet, stroking the blue enamel bow that matched the one on her headband.

He looked at her indirectly, still hiding in indifference. Chuck saw all of it- the headband, the charm, and heard her candid plea. She was exposing herself completely to him- he should know, he had done it to her months ago. Time to balance the scale at last. "After everything, I really don't know what you were expecting, Blair. I'd rather like to get on with my Friday night, personally."

Blair couldn't look away when he turned towards the rail thin blonde and kissed her. She gulped her martini to distract the riot of emotions tearing at her. Slamming the glass down, she left the table quickly, before Chuck and his female did anything more beyond sticking their tongues down each other's throats in front of her.

The thought occurred to her briefly to go home, but she didn't make it past the bar. Shots. Those sounded fun! The cute bartender seemed just to know exactly what she needed too, and in a few minutes all the boys were watching her. The attention was nice- she kind of it got now, why Serena enjoyed this so much.

The night soon became a bit of a blur and all the boys were so nice, dancing with her and having fun with her. At one point, she was up on the tabletop dancing with a particularly tasty one. Maybe he would do? After a little while, she found herself in a dark corner with him, not entirely sure how she ended up there. His hands were on her, he had her back up against a wall, and she swore there was more to this dress…

He went in to kiss her, and Blair in that moment saw it wasn't what she wanted. She was trying, but she liked who she was with Chuck. And this boy wasn't Chuck. "No."

"Come on, baby girl." He goaded her on.

"No!" Blair shook her head and tried to push against him. Damn, he was big, and her head was spinning.

"Don't play hard to get, you know you want some of this." He snaked an arm around her waist so she had to stop squirming so much.

"I'm not playing- it's about self respect! And I'd never go home with a sweaty oaf like you!" She shoved him hard and tried to kick at him.

Blair had some help as the jerk suddenly backed away. One of the bouncers had wrenched his arm back and it felt good to see him wiggle in discomfort. She hadn't expected to hear what she heard next.

"I think it might be time for you to leave my club. And I don't expect we'll be seeing you again." Chuck was standing off to her side, his eyes dark and dangerous as he took in the other guy.

At the sight of Chuck, the room really began to spin. Her breathing felt funny and…she just wanted to go; right now. "I…I need to go home."

Blair stumbled in her too tall heels and Chuck caught her. "Hold on. You probably shouldn't be alone tonight."

He lifted her effortlessly into his arms and she felt her head easily roll into his chest. She mumbled, "Alone is all I have," before everything went black.

* * *

AN: Just my poor edits this time. Chapter title translated into Turkish by desirecullen here on fanfiction, meaning 'Blackest before'. Lingerie is posted on my Tumblr, tagged with the story title to make it easier to find. On the Beethoven: Concerto No. 5 in E Flat Major for Piano and Orchestra, Op. 73 "Emperor": II. Adagio un poco moto. I was listening to Bernstein conduct, who is always preferable except, in my case, when Eugene Ormandy is conducting :)

Phew, rough chapter huh? Or was it just slow? I've read it too many times to know! If you're thinking Chuck was harsh at the end, try to remember what Blair had put him through. And his 'balancing the scales' thought isn't just talking about this scene, but what's to come in the next chapter, too. I know, I'm a tricky, mean old cow like that, lol. Any favorite lines this time? Or were you just enjoying Chuck fantasizing about doing Blair on the auditorium stage? -_^ Until next time- when you probably want to bring a fan. And perhaps a box of tissues? xoxo ~K


	26. ქიში და შამათი

ქიში და შამათი

Chuck carried Blair upstairs to his new room. It was true what he had said to Diane, having something of his own felt good. So he made his own space at Victrola as part of the renovations. A small suite with a place to work, a place to relax, and a very comfortable bed. He smiled tenderly as he lay Blair down.

While getting drunk wasn't a beacon of great decision making, she had been amazing tonight. She had opened up to him and stood up to his rejection of her infinitely better than he had taken her rejection. And his little scene? He had hardly been able to watch her dance with other people at the ball. If he had seen Carter and Blair together at all… Well, he didn't want to think about such a thing.

He turned on a small light for her; she was certain to wake up at least once during the night, then he pulled the blankets around her. Chuck tugged the precious headband free, wishing no harm to come to it. She looked so at peace in his bed as she slept and a sense of calm came over him. It would all be okay in the morning.

A small part of him couldn't wait that long and the devil in him snuck out for just a moment; after all, he was her _dark_ knight. Gently holding her face, he placed a soft kiss on her mouth. Slowly brushing his lips against hers, his kiss was hopeful—faithful, knowing they were almost there.

Now he would sleep quite well. He left the room, opting to sleep on the sofa so she could be alone and free of _those_ sorts of questions when she awoke.

* * *

Blair did wake to…expel the alcohol from her system. The room was strange and she was happy to find the bathroom in time. But she was in no state to question any of it and the task completed, she fell back into the bed and into black sleep.

Chuck waited until he heard her stirring in the morning before he entered. He carried a bottle of water for her and when he saw her, he found her standing by… His heart stopped. He'd forgotten that was in this room. He pressed the bottle into her hand, standing next to her, and gazed at it.

"You still have my ribbon." Her voice was soft, careful sounding.

"Yes."

"How do you have a piece of the headband?" This time her voice sounded strained.

Chuck however said nothing in reply. It was enough that she knew he had some part of it, not that he had gone after Serena to ensure every piece was recovered afterwards.

Her voice now very clearly strained, almost panicked, she spoke again, turning to face him. "Why do you have this?"

He glanced sideways at her. "You know why, Blair."

She touched his arm briefly, then gestured towards his keepsake box. "I don't understand what this case is, Chuck."

Keeping his eyes on the case, he was able to answer her. "It's my life. You see what is inside. Serena and Nate, a little piece of my mother, my parents. My successes, my joys, my favorite memories."

Now he looked at her.

"Why would you be so surprised to see yourself there?"

It was all too much and Blair's heart ached while her mind struggled to understand. The reeling emotions allowed an unadulterated tear effortlessly escape her lashes.

"Because you can't forgive me."

Chuck reached up, briefly cupping her face, and brushed the tear from her cheek. "I couldn't last night. But… you haven't asked me today."

He watched as her face try to hold back the cry of hysteria, becoming a small sound that caught in her throat before the words broke free, "You can't mean that!" She stepped back away from him. "Last night you were so cruel and heartless. You can't change your mind like that!"

He glanced at his case briefly before looking back at her. "Does it look like I've ever changed my mind?"

Blair wrapped her arms around herself, staring at him, feeling she did not know anything anymore. "Chuck… I can't right now…I'm just so…"

"Arthur's downstairs." He turned away from her, trying to hide his sadness. He had truly hoped, somehow, this would have gone easier. But instead, she was rushing away from him.

* * *

Chuck listened to her leave, long moments passing before he finally crumbled onto the bed in which she had slept. He sat staring at the floor, his mind numb and empty. His field of vision eventually widened and his gaze caught on her blue ribbon headband, forgotten on his nightstand. He didn't even have to think to tell his arm to move. As soon as its presence registered, his fingers were curling around the cool silk. The sensation broke something open inside him.

Standing, he walked to the glass case with all his dearest keepsakes. Taking a breath, he opened it. His sight caught first on his mother's ring, sparkling, but he wanted what was beneath it. He needed to touch her ribbon. Watching, his fingers stroked the silk and he saw the nearly ten years that has past simply in the size of his fingers. So much larger than the ones she had smacked away when he had tried to take it from her. He wished he could tie it around his heart, to give him the certainty he longed to have with her.

Navy changed to clear diamond as his hand wrapped around the fragment of the Tiffany headband. This he removed from the case, kneeling on the floor as he stared at it in his hand. His eyes danced between the diamonds in their broken wirework to the white scars in his palm from where her headband had chewed into his skin. The worst day of his life.

_Why? Because you love me?_

He felt his chest tighten.

Even then. Even now.

The ribbon. The bow tie. The broken girl on the bathroom floor. The boy who kissed her after the ball. Through stubbornness and stupidity there had always been hope and friendship. And love.

The future would be different and so must be these diamonds. Still clutching the cluster in his hands, Chuck stood.

* * *

Blair reached for the thin red headband Chuck had given her. Night had fallen and it was time to prepare for school. The bold red shook her the way nothing else had since she'd left Victrola.

She had spent Saturday asleep, hungover and too overwhelmed to do anything more than hide in darkness. Today she had looked for him, but Victrola was locked and he wasn't at the Palace. She was looking for answers. Her heart hurt and she wanted Chuck to make it stop. Because that wasn't some strange twisted dream, was it? He had always cared. He had only pulled away when she had deeply hurt him. And that's what she needed to know, because there was more. Chuck had forgiven her. Or, he was ready to. More than anything, she needed to know that. It could give them a future and the fear that had once gripped her no longer held power. Being without him these months showed her what mattered, what fluttered in her heart. And given the chance, she would show him.

The red of the headband gave her an idea and she turned to go downstairs. But something stopped her.

Chuck. Bundled in an elegant wool coat, a touch of snow in his hair.

He was holding her blue headband; she had feared it was lost somewhere in the haze of Friday night.

He offered it to her and carefully she took it back.

"Thank you," she said, only able to look at what she held in her hands.

"I'm glad to see you're okay." Chuck would give anything to dissolve the painful tension between them, humming in the air. _Look at me_, his heart beat. She fidgeted with the headbands she held and his nervousness began to ebb away because of it. She was feeling shy around him.

Taking a deep breath, Blair spoke again, "I wondered about something you said yesterday."

"Just one thing?" Relief allowed Chuck to be himself, a subtle smirk on his lips, he leaned against the doorframe. That finally made her stop fidgeting and look up at him. The Queen was happily annoyed with her Dark Knight.

"You never changed your mind? Not after Victrola? Cotillion? Paris?"

"No." He kept his eyes on her.

"I didn't ask you yesterday, but I'm asking you today. Can you… Have you forgiven me?" Her eyes never shifted from his.

"Whole and happy." Chuck lifted his hand to cup her face. "Strong even as an exiled Queen. _My_ beautiful Queen, the one before the crown corrupted her. I knew you wouldn't let me down."

Her pull and his desire brought him close and then their lips met. Softly, uncertain, part of his mind held him back, not knowing if this was okay, trying to check his hunger for her as his lips pressed against hers, lifting to pull away, but dropping back to her again and again. No sooner than he questioned his weakness then Blair was pushing her body against his, pressing into him as she leaned her head back, offering her kiss, rising on tiptoe if he tried to leave.

It was real. This was real. _They_ were real.

Warmth spread, contentment filling him. He pulled his mouth from hers and breathed. "Tomorrow."

"What?"

"Show me tomorrow."

Blair pulled her head back and opened her eyes.

"Why tomorrow?" Why not now? Awful thoughts flashed in her mind—Chuck with other women, most especially.

"For wh-"

"For you. One last night." He held her chin as he spoke, releasing his grip with the last line. "Then, show me, tomorrow."

Blair twisted the ruby ring around her finger as she watched him leave. She looked down at the headbands in her hands. Red and blue. Him and her. She remembered where she was going when Chuck arrived and a smile curled on her lips. She knew just how to show him.

* * *

Monday was cold and Blair wrapped her long black coat around her, walking the few blocks to school. But it didn't feel so very cold to her, as she nestled her face down into Chuck's warm red scarf. When he saw it, he would know. He would know she wanted to try.

But she didn't see him. In the courtyard, inside the school; anywhere. Desperately looking for him between classes, she did happen upon Nate and Serena making out. Her ex-best friend was clearly…happy, and it set Blair off a little. She wanted that—hadn't this process been long and tortured enough already? Where was he‽

At lunch, she _still_ didn't see him. But, oh, some boys from Friday night certainly saw her. They came up to her table, egging her on to climb on top of it and give them another dance. Her irritation broke and she snapped at them.

"How about no?"

"Come on, Queen Beeeee," they mocked.

"I hope no one mocks you for your drunken exploits. That would have to be a full-time job." She stood and went to leave the cafeteria, but one of the boys blocked her exit, leering at her as he did so.

She was trying to decide how to get out of this without kneeing him in the crotch, when somehow, miraculously, help came. "Hey guys, how about we let Blair eat her lunch in peace?"

Nate's voice was one she had not heard in a very, very long time. The boys backed off at the captain/team leader/star athlete's command. Blair gave him a weak smile; she'd never gotten a chance to apologize to him.

"Thank you," she said softly, her eyes never leaving his.

"They've always been a bit of trouble. If I don't keep them in check, I'd lose some of my better players." Nate shrugged it off.

"Nate. Where is he?"

He wouldn't respond to her plea, only giving her a reluctant smile and shaking his head a little before walking back to the Queen. It crushed her. Why wouldn't Nate say? She picked up her bag, forgetting about lunch, and walked to the library for the rest of the period. How many hours were left in this day?

* * *

By the end of school, Blair needed to work out her frustration before heading out to find where Chuck had gone. So she pulled out her cello, thought on her feelings, and settled on what pieces to play.

Chuck had cut classes today. Not because he was hungover or high or because he couldn't face Blair. He wanted time to take care, to prepare himself for what he knew was about to happen. Perfection took time. Turning and turning again, he walked the halls that led him to Blair and her little auditorium. Slipping inside the door, he saw her sitting center stage: his Queen.

She was fury unleashed under the hot lights. No music stand, no audio to play along with. It was Bach, one not originally for cello, but a partita for violin. The effort and energy it took to elicit the sounds from the instrument was intense; Blair had her head leaned down, eyes not needed in this place, her curtain of curls hanging low, unrestrained by the band of bright red in her hair.

Her cello hummed, the strings vibrating fast, and several of the hairs on her bow had snapped in the pursuit of her expression. The air surged with the music and Chuck could feel her intense frustration as her hand flew up and down and across the black fingerboard. Her torment was his as the notes bore her vengeance.

The final note, a high harmonic, was stuck with absolute perfection, ringing through the space. But Blair didn't stop there and dropped into one of the Bach Cello Suites. The notes were forceful, accented roughly before bouncing to the next note, but then it would spin and slide a little; the whole time, Blair castigating herself as she played. She pushed herself harder as she played, reaching for perfect execution. The movement ended on a delicious low note. Blair drew out the sound, letting it hum through the air until it died. She was breathing hard from the exertion and the memory of her hot breath panting in his ears began to burn in his blood.

She lifted the bow once more and pulled him apart in seven short notes. Broken chords breaking against him; how could she? The Prélude—their prelude. All of this, all of these years, it was all a prelude. As the piece flew high and low, spinning, climbing, higher, faster, and higher still, he ached more with every note. Further still she pulled him until they were whirling in the apex of the pattern and they came to rest in a low chord; two strings, struck together, resonating in absolute, perfect, harmony.

Still unseeing, Blair leaned against her cello as she seemed to stare down, depleted. The bow dropped from her fingers, meeting the ground with a loud clatter. Her torment and struggle burned him, the fire screaming in his veins. Without disturbing her, he left, his mind scrambling though his gait, his demeanor, was a languorous misdirection of the pounding in his heart. It was time to end their prelude.

When her heartbeat finally slowed, Blair sighed and gathered her things. She carefully tucked his scarf around her neck before walking through the desolate school and down the relatively empty streets. It was an in-between time, school children were inside now, but it was still too early to see parents rushing home. She had nestled her headphones in her ears, putting the Bach Prélude on repeat. She needed to find him. Home; go home, collect herself, and decide where to start. The music surged through her as she grew closer to her destination, eagerness for him building with each step.

She did not see him.

Waiting.

In the shadows.

Near the rear service access of her building, Chuck reached out and took her arm, pulling her to him. Breathless, her face turning to his, he kissed her before a sound or word could be made. Her body pressed into his and quickly, they were stumbling towards the door.

Blair could not bear to part from him, her hands fumbling to find the access card for the back door. She could _feel_ him, the hardness of him, wanting her, wanting to know how much she wanted him. The indicator light flashed green. The door was thrown wide and, intertwined once more, they stumbled towards the elevator.

They kissed furiously, his hands in her hair, the sound of the Prélude singing to them as they climbed higher and higher. Blair's mind swam in the sensations; the headphones in her ears forced her to hear the depths of her wanton moans as his tongue teased her, his fingers licking flames over her skin, as her hands tugged his yellow dress shirt free to find the hard body underneath.

They tumbled upwards.

The arpeggios climbed with them.

Her room, coats, scarves, bag, shirts, dropping to the floor.

With a smirk, he relished tearing the red headband from her hair. There was no need for symbols of power here: they were their power.

Headphones. Uniforms. Lingerie. It all fell away.

He pulled her to the bed, pushing her down onto her satin coverlet.

She saw him then, standing over her. The cold winter light from the windows exposed the shapes and shadows of his body. Broad shoulders, the dusting of hair across his chest, and his eyes; how had she never seen those eyes before? Full of such intense darkness and desire, they consumed her.

His voice was deep and unyielding.

"This ends here."

He casually dropped the condom he had earlier slipped from his pocket onto the bed. But he did not touch her yet, he was waiting for her confirmation, her capitulation. His gaze traveled over her body, watched her tremble, on the edge of this cliff, her skin pricked into little bumps, her deep pink nipples crowning her snowy breasts. His eyes met hers and locked there, mesmerized; the one with the other. She exhaled a shuddering breath, her voice a whisper, a soft moan from deep within.

"Chuck."

At this he finally yielded.

At this he was finally undone.

There was no more cause to keep the depths of his darkness, his passion, his want, in check any longer. He leaned in to kiss her mouth, his hands coming to part her thighs, to open her wide to him. He let a hand trail up towards her sex as he whispered, his voice deep, "Are you wet for me, Blair?"

"Yes," she gasped as his fingers dipped inside her. "Please."

"But I need you _really_ wet." He pushed his fingers deep inside her as his mouth sucked on her neck, eliciting a delicious cry. He rocked his hand hard and slow, enjoying the way she clung to him.

"Should I make you come like this first?"

Blair shook her head. "No, no."

Still he stroked her. "But you haven't come for me since November."

"I have," she gasped as he teased her clit a moment. "Many times. In my dreams."

Enough. _Enough_. His mouth sought one of her nipples, sucking hard as he wrenched his hand free from where it was buried deep inside her. Her body pitched in protest beneath him, her nails digging into his back as she cried out, "Don't leave me!"

Her outcry prevented her from hearing the foil tearing. Chuck pulled back to sheath himself, grinning at the sight of her; her eyes shuttered tight, her mouth open, inhaling a trembling breath. His grin turned a little wicked because he knew: he had to anticipate this moment no longer. She tilted her head back more against the bed, a small sob catching in her throat, she tried to cry his name, "Chu-"

Her cry ended abruptly. With the quick thrust of his hips, their prelude came to an end. Skin to skin, he felt her surge back against him and he bore down on her in reply, still staked completely inside of her as his mouth came to hers.

They were one.

They were whole.

It looked more like the end than the beginning as he stilled above her. She was his. He was hers. He whispered in her ear, "Feel me."

Blair breathed, clinging to him, her muscles tight; legs, arms, back, frozen as her mind was filled with him. Because he wasn't filling just her body. She felt him, buried deep inside her, but more than that, she felt him connect with her mind. The strength of his desire, of him, and who he had always hidden in the shadows. The pleasure of it consumed her and she welcomed his dark intensity. Yes, she could feel him. The heat and fire of him, of him and her. She registered it: the need. These moments, while only a few divine seconds, seemed so very long. Finally, she urged her muscles to unfreeze with the gentle press of her hips back against his.

She made the faintest mewling noise when he pulled slowly back, shocked at the strange sensation of losing the feeling of him; the way it was as if something was being taken away from her and she so desperately wanted to follow. But the control here was not hers and all she knew was she needed more.

"Hush," Chuck softly kissed her mouth. "Look at me."

It was difficult, but Blair managed to open her eyes to him. And all over again, she was lost. He was so beautiful. The way his hair hung forward, the adoration in his face, the expanse of his broad shoulders. And his eyes; there was no way to describe all she saw in his eyes. The darkness and the hunger, yet he harnessed it all with kindness and patience, because of his desire for more. So much more.

"Look." His head tilted down and she followed his gaze. To look at them, to watch as he sank deep inside her once again.

It was even more intense this time. The fullness of him, the way the feeling of it seemed to spread through her entire body, and burn in her mind. Again, he paused there, letting her body know how he felt, letting her tighten around him, letting her hips roll. She began to pant a little, needing more. The ache deep inside, she could feel it, and it began to drive her mad. She wanted his darkness; she wanted all of him. It was a Queen's command that fell from her lips, "Chuck!"

Her cry released him. This was no longer the playboy and the virgin. It was _them_ now. Unrestrained years of desire screamed through his body. Each thrust was hard and deep and completely unrelenting. His mouth traveled her body, hungry to claim every inch of her. He kissed, sucked, and nipped, all the time driving into her over and over again. She would feel him long after this moment had ended; he would be sure of it. There was a wicked gleefulness in his possession of her as he heard her breathing grow erratic.

Higher. She seemed to only be able to climb higher and higher towards the light as it grew more and more blinding. Pleasure screamed in her ears, through her muscles, to the tips of her toes. Then it hit; crashing upon her, his name tore from her throat, her back arching off the bed, pressing hard against him as still, he thrust into her tight body. Chuck buried his face in her neck, kissing and sucking, drinking in the feel of her orgasm.

When the intensity of her pleasure abated, her voice spent and she lay back once more, she opened her eyes to him. Those pools of dark brown had always been bright and shining, even when she was angry. The light had always been her gift, for she had always been the lightest thing in his life. Now, he saw them bright and hazy with desire, but there was more. She had changed and shifted before him…because of him. In her he saw the lightness he loved coupled with the depth of shadows.

The knowledge of her completion made his head swim. It multiplied her beauty, her splendor, cutting through his own darkness and illuminating that as much as she was now his, he was now hers. She beckoned to him, bliss and passion coursing through his body; she called to the fire burning deep within. He drove on, harder still, her cries urging him, her nails biting into his skin, her hips bucking against him. Harder. Harder. She drew his strength from him; she drew his release from the very core of him. With a guttural groan from deep within, he felt it pull, surging, her light broke free within him, only to pour back into her.

Heavy breaths.

Stillness.

Completion.

Two hearts, beating, resonating in harmony.

Breathing calmed into a normal rhythm slowly. Chuck began to pull away, unable to believe how drained he felt and how agonizing it was to separate from her. Blair's whimper did not help or the way she tried to hold onto him. Before he parted from her completely, he coaxed her by whispering in her ear, "I have to clean up, then I can hold you."

When he left, Blair curled up into a ball, shocked by how empty and cold she felt. She could hardly keep her eyes open, but she had to, as she waited for him. She _needed_ to feel him, needed to wonder at it all as he held her, so she could know this was real and not a cruel dream. She heard his soft footsteps, her heartbeat quickening before he came into view. As he curled up to her, he drew her black coverlet over them before pulling her into his arms. His touch, his warmth, the feel of his naked skin on hers, it overwhelmed her anew. She wrapped herself around him, sure to hold him back as tightly as he was holding her.

Tilting her head back, she gazed up at him. She found a faint smile on his lips before he leaned down to kiss her. Long and sweet, Blair found herself drowning in it. Eventually, it ended, though she couldn't remember when, for exhaustion claimed her in her bliss and she fell asleep in his arms, blinking out of existence for a little while.

* * *

With a start, Blair awoke, covered in darkness. The sun had set.

She found herself in her bed naked.

And alone.

Blair shuddered. Turning, she felt the soreness of her body and knew it wasn't a dream. Yet he was gone. Disgusted, betrayed, she fled the bed he had defiled her in, desperate for the warmth of a hot shower. Avoiding the mirror, she climbed in, the blast of water a welcome sensation. She hoped to feel whole and clean, but even with lots of soap and steaming hot water, Blair only grew more distressed. The heat didn't dull her soreness and she marveled through a strange sort of dismay while she cleaned herself. Scratches, faint bruises, bite marks, all over her body.

She felt nothing but despair when she pulled herself from the shower. Where had he gone? And what had she let happen? The shower had failed to banish the coolness she felt inside. So she fought to care for herself, drying and styling her hair and trying to make her face look fresher than she felt.

Stepping back into her room, she noticed something she had overlooked before. There were clothes laid out for her. Delicious black lingerie and stockings and a dark red dress that heated her blood just to look at it. The dangerous look of the dress was such temptation, she dressed without question. Gazing into her full length mirror, she fixed her earrings into place before she wondered what she was doing.

But before her mind could seek possible answers, she caught movement in the mirror. She saw him in the doorway. He walked to her, proffering peonies of brightest white and deepest pink. He had changed out of his uniform and she noticed that his suit complemented her attire perfectly. She turned to him and accepted the offered flowers, stealing a moment to breath in their fragrance.

Chuck reached out and titled her face up so he could gaze into her eyes. They had not changed; still full of light _and_ darkness. His mouth curled into a small smirk, his voice low, "There is no more denying us."

Blair leaned into him easily, surrendering to their pull. The kiss happened so naturally and easy, but quickly erupting in intensity and passion. Their bodies hungered to be united once more, here, now.

But with the greatest restraint, he pulled away. "No."

Looking down at her, Blair's pout was full of the stubborn anger one would expect from denying a Queen.

"Dinner first," he replied, carefully watching her face as he held out his arm to her.

The reality of the situation flooded her, giving her pause. Was she ready for this? She looked from the arm she wondered at taking, up to his face. She met his gaze. It pulled, seeing his warmth and his want in those deep brown eyes. It jolted her hesitation and that small idea of fear. And that was it. There was nothing to question; there was no denying this. He was here with her.

She was his, he was hers, and the rest of the world could be damned.

Blair took his arm.

* * *

AN: Edited by my dear Anjum, with a dash of content development from Brittany. Chapter title: ქიში და შამათი (kishi shamati), Georgian, 'Check and Mate', translated by 954 on .

To Sophia and Laken, to Mary and Shawn, to Brittany and Elise., to C and Eileen, to Amy and 'Rhett, to X and Anjum. To everyone who has made me feel strong enough and safe enough to share my stories. This was for you.


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